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I -"1 t I C=S=ZT> I i~W~ ■ \ rzJ a I L—— ■■ ■ ■■—* Page 12 Satan Writes Letter To Kaiser Wilhelm e» * Monarch of Hell Abdicates in Favor of Prus sian Murderer —Hands Over Keys to the World’s Champion Eaby Killer, Syberkrop, of Creston, lowa, an nounces that the Kaiser has succeeded Satan as Lord of Hell. Mr. Syberkrop has given to the press the following personal letter from Old Nick to his former pupil: •'The Infernal Region. "To Wilhelm von Hohenzojlern, King of Prussia, Emperor of All . < f cr ™®l*t y ABp Envoy Extraordinary, of Almighty God. "Mv Dear Wilhelm: “I can call you by that familiar name, for I have always been very close to you, much closer than you could ever know. From the time that you were yet an un developed being in your mother s womb, I have shaped your destiny for my own P^Tu“ < the days of Rome I created a roughneck known in history as Nero, he was a vulgar character and suited my purpose at that particular time. In these modern times a classic demon and ef ficient super-criminal was needed and as I know the HohepzdUern blood I P’<-k --ed you as my special instrument to place on earth an annex of hell. t gave you abnormal ambition, likewise an " supply of egotism, that you r !J lK . h t not discover your own failings. I twi. t-d your mind to that of a mad man with certain normal tendencies to o by, a most dangerous character P-aeea in power; I gave you the powerof a. hyp otist and a certain megnetic force that you might sway your people. I.am re- sponsible for the deformed arm that hangs helpless on your left, youi cripnled condition embitters .life and destroys all noble impulses that mi„.it otherwise cause me anxiety, but your strong sword arm is driven by your am bition th.it squelches ah Sen t‘™ e 'Y 1 nitw I placed in your,-soul a deep hatred for all things English, for of all nations on earth I hate England wherever England plants her flag she brings or der out of chaos and the hated C ross fo lows the Union Jack; under her rule wild tribes become tillers of the soil and m due time practical citizens; she isth great civilizer of the globe and I HATE HER. I planted in your soul a cruel hatred for your mother because she was English, and left my good friend T.is marck to fan the flame I had ® d -J*®’ cent history proves how wed our work was done. It broke your royal mother s heart, but I gained my purpose "The inherited disease of the Ilohen zollerns killed your father, just as it will kill you, and you became the ruler of Germany and a tool of mine sooner than 1 you and further hasten my work I sent you three evil spirits, Neitz sche, Treitscke and later Bernhard!, whose teaching inflamed the youths of Germany, who in good time won d be will-, ing and loyal subjects and eager to spill their blood and pull your chestnuts, ours and mine; the spell has been perfect— you cast your ambitious eyes toward the Mediterranean, Egypt, India and the Dar danelles and you began your great trad- ( way to Bagdad, but the ambitious arch- , duke and his more ambitious wife stooit , in your way. It was then that I sowed the seed in your heart that blossomed into , the assassination of the Duke and his wife, and all hell smiled when it saw how | cleverly you saddled the crime on to Servia. I saw you set sail for the fjord • . of Norway and I knew you woud prove an alibi. How cleverly done, so much like your noble grandfather who also se- : cured an assassin to remove old King Frederick of Denmark, and later robheu : that country of two provinces that gave . Germany an opportunity to became a na- | val power. Murder is dirty work, but it takes a Hohenzollern to make away anti gc.t it. Your opportunity was at hand; yon set the world on fire and bells of hell were ringing; your rape on Belgium caused much Joy, it was the beginning, 'the foundation of a perfect hell on earth; the ; destruction of noble cathedrals and other ; infinite works of art was hailed with joy ■ in the infernal regions. You made war | on friends and foe alike, and the murder | of civilians showed my teachings had. borne‘fruit. Your treachery toward neu tral nations hastened a universal up- I heaval, the thing I most desired. Your under-sea warfare is a master stroke, I from the smallest mackerel pot to the great Lusitania you show no favorites; as a Wars Lord you stand supreme, for you have no mercy: you have no con sideration for the baby clinging to its mother’s breast as they both go down into the deep together, only to be torn apart and leisurely devoured by sharks down among the corals. “I have strolled over the battlefields of Belgium and France; I have seen your hand of destruction everywhere; it’s an your work, superfiend that I made you. I have seen the fields of Poland; now a wilderness fit for prowling beasts only; no merrv children in Poland now; they all succumbed to frost and starvation. I drifted down into Galicia where former ly Jews and Gentiles lived happily to gether- I found but ruins and ashes; I felt a curious pride in my pupil, for it was all above my expectations. I was in Belgium when you drove the peaceful population before you like cattle into slav ery- you separated man and wife and forced them to hard labor in trenches. I have seen the most fiendish rape com mitted on young women, and those who were forced into maternity were cursing the father of their offspring, and I began to doubt if my own inferno was really Ul "You have taken millions of dollars from inocent victims and called it Indemnity: you have lived fat on the land you usurped and sent the real owners away to starvation. You have stayed away from all legalized war methods and in troduced a code of your own. You have killed and robbed the people of friendly nations and destroyed their property. You are a liar, a hypocrite and a bluffer of the highest magnitude. You are a part of mine, and yet you pose as a per sonal friend of God. Ah, Wilhelm, you are a wonder. You wantonly destroy all things in your path and leave nothing for coming generations. FRENCH AND CAMP "I was amazed when I saw you form a partnership with the impossible Turk, the chronic killer of Christians, and you u devout worshipper of the Lutheran church. I confess, Wilhelm, you are a puzzle at times. A Mohammedan army, commanded by German officers, assisting one another in massacreing Christians, is a new line of warfare. When a Prus sian officer can witness a nude woman being disemboweled swarthy Turk, committing a double murder with one cut of his cabre, and calmly stand by and see a house full of innocent Armenians locked up, the house saturated with oil and fired, then my teachings did not stop with you. but have been extended to the whole German nation. “I confess my Satanic, soul grew sick, and there and then I knew the pupil had become the master. I am a hack num ber, and, my dear Wilhelm. I abdicate in your favor. The great key of hell will be turned over to you. The gavel that has struck the doom of damned souls since time began, is yours. I am satis fied with what I have done; that my ab dication in your favor is for the very best interests of hell—in the future I am at your majesty’s service. "LUCIFER 11. SATAN." ENGLISH AS SHE IS SPOKE. Different lands have different ways peculiar has been brought to light by the World Outlook Magazine, which blames the result upon pupils of the Methodist Birls’ School atKuala Lum of speaking English. One of the most per, Malaysia. Here are a few sen tences from a school examination: When the form of a verb is changed it. is called congregation. The prime meridian is 'called the eternal date line. Gibraltar is the keynote in the Med iterranean. The finest wheat that ever cropped grows in Russia. The masculine of spinser is bore. A wife in the upset (opposite) of the husband. The place was taken by storm and thunder. The cat was thin and pale. Gibraltar is knewn as the keyhole of England. St. Helena Is a place where Napoleon had been diminished. 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