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mm R ENTEEPR JUJ r V VOL V SWEETWATER TENNESSEE, THURSDAY, DEC. 21, 1871. NO. 5. nn P I i THE ENTERPRISE. PUBLISHED EVKUY THURSDAY, BY C. B. WOODWARD, At Two Dollars n Year, I'uyiiltla In Advance. atk or invummso. square, lfllinesor less, one insertion. . .$1.00 For each snbfeqiicnt insertion 50 The rut, for three month and upwards, will tie found in the following table : 3 nine It nine 1 year ii.nit 6h.iI'. II 'i. On 8.1.0 l.t.MO 2U.M0 n.no Hi.. 28.00 M.Oil 20.011 38.110 I ll. Hi) 2"i.0l) 411.01) 2."i.no 4o.no fiu.iui .'in.oo sii.oii 7s.no lO.oo I cn.ou ioi.oo One square Twoe iiares Three xiiwrea Four squares One-fourth column..., One-half column Three-fourths column Due column gtjJT Local Nstices, nertion. Non-resident Notice An' hmi'iit " 10 cent per line each in (In advance! 4.00 ' 4.00 ATKIK HOUSE, KNOXVILLE, TENN., .TAJIK- 1I1CLL, PJlOP'lt. SlTPAThU WITHIN" A KKW STKPlt f TliK OkPiiT. A new and elegant Fir.1t lass Hotel, well fnr niiiheJ, and having every comfort and conveni ence. , SUFFICIENT TIME FOR Passengers on the Truint East A West to get Dinner. oct'tf XIIK 1IATTLK 1IOUSK NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE. . I HAVE Leased the Hotel lately known as the Hfacey Ilunse, nnd will henceforth conduct en tho must approved style. T f patronage of the pnhlic generally, and of my oil IVirii'lH partiriihirly, who have stood by me an truly in tl.o past, ia rewpe.-tfully solicited. I promise them cordial reception and a com fortable Inline at the K ittle House. Hv.Hl be iieen from the above that I have leaned the Storey House to fieneral utile. In reiiittig from the position which I have occupied for several enrrt in this city, I desire to tender my thanks 'nnd kind wishes to nld friends, and to earnestly entreat a continuation of their pnt tenrge to in.v anccenor, an one who will make their stay wilh him comfortable in every re pect. jl3-f J. E. STACF.Y. W. II. STALKY, T. K. It. MCCR'ISKKY- Kingston, Tenn. M.idisouville, Tenn. r a i.i:y &. ccb:okky. ATTORNEYS AND SOLICITORS, MiidisoiivUle, Tenn. W1U. 'PRACTICE IN ROANE, MONROE, LOUDON and adjoining counties. Prompt nlteiition (liven to the collection of all claims, mi l the pi osecutiou of suits either ill Circuit or Chancery Courts. feb9 ly STEPHENS, FLYNN 6 CO., (Jcncnil Commission Merchants, Fomjth Street, Atlanta, (1 o o r g 1 a . 'jiiixiffiwwnU Solicited ami return prompt ly made. feb2.1-Iy I'll I J.LI i'S, CHARLES k CO., PRODUCE DEALERS AND COMMISSION MERCHANTS, MITCHELL STREET, ATLANTA, GEORGIA. (Igy Jons C. Vaihiiin, at Swcetw ter, Tc nn will make liberal advances on all shipment.. Ieii2:i-liin A DAY FOR ALL with Stencil Tools. Address A. E. OilAlUM, Fpringlifl 1, t. MRS. C. M. McCONNELL & DAUGHTER FASHIONABLE MILLINERS, 5)7 Civ Strkkt, (nearly opposite Express otBce) KNUXVILLE, TENN. A LuffTe Assortment of Ladies' Furnish injj Omuls always iti hand. All Kinds of lllcaching Neatly Done. niavM-fiin W. R. HRCMBV. WALLACE M'l HKBSON Brumby & McPherson, Wholesale niirl Betnil GROCERS, No. 13 Whitehall Street, ATLANTA, GEORGIA. CONSIGNMENTS of Butter, nnl I'roduce generally, solicited. j)20'7l-!y Benton Male and Female HIGH SCHOOL Under the superintendence ot REV. W. II. CRAWFORD, Assisted by Miss C IARLOTTE E. ROBERTSON and Miss MA TTIE E. CRAWFORD. fjgjrFor particulars, address the Principal nt llcnton, Polk co., Tena. aug21-ly FRAN K BOG ART, M.D. SWEETWATER, TEN N., (TILL devote his entire attention (o the practice of medicine in its various lepnrtments. novHtl '117 9 tf. TRIUMPHANT! 1869. 1870 17 Gold and bilyer Medals Were awarded to CI1AS. M. 8TIEFF, for the heat PIANOS over 14 different makers of New York, Baltimore and Boston manufacturers. Oflice nod New Ware-Rooms, No. 0 North Liber ty Street, above Baltimore Street, Uiiltiraorc, Md. THE 8TIEFFS PIANOS Contaiu all the latest Improvements to be found In a Arst.-cliuM Piano, with additional Improve ments of his own invention, not to be found in other instruments. Die lose, touch and finish Jiis instruments cannot bo excelled by any ictureii. assortment of second hand Pianos al- I aM...n.l A7r. .A O'llin r nd Church flnran... some 20 different ' XI, Iron a;i and upwards. ilpstratC'l l.nlalogue, containing the fl.ooo Southerners :i60 or wiiicn mUi have hougiit the StietT Pl- jise nt te war. npziy ttcr-Hcads :ud r4 Hie EnttTjuise OfTiw ( IT LEADS TO HAPPINESS A lloou to iUtt Whole Ilaoe ol Womuu t DR. J- BRADFIELD'S Fcmalo Regulator! IT WII.Lbrlnjnn the Menses; relieve all pain at the monthly " Period ;" cure Rheuma tism and Neuralttia of Back and Uterus; Len enrrheca or "Whiles," and partial Prolapsus Uteri ; check eicessive flow, and correct all ir regularities peculiar to ladies. It will remove all irritation of Kidneys and Bladder; relieve t'onliveneae ; purify the Blood ; give tone aud strength to the whole system; clear the skin, imparling a roav hue to the cheek and cheerfulness to the mind. It ia as sure a cure in all the above diseases as Quinine is in Chills and Fever. Ladies can cure themselves of all the above diseases without revealing their complaints to any one, which is always mortifying to their pride and modesty It is rccouimcuded by the best physicians and the clergy. LaGranok, Ca., March 13, 1870. Bradficld i Co., Atlanta, Oa. Dear Sirs : I lake pleasure in stating that 1 have used for the last twenty years the medicine you arc now put ting up, known as Dr. J. Brndffehi's Female Regulator, and consider it the best combination ever gotten together for the diseases for which it is recoinmeuded. I have been familiar wilh the prescription Loth as a practicioner of medi cine and in domed ic practice, and can honestly say that 1 consider it a boon to suffering fe males, and can but hope Hint every lady in our land, who maybe sullering in any way peculiar to their nei, maybe ubleto procure a bottle, that their sufferings may not only be relieved, hut that they may be rcatorid to health and strength. With my kiudeat regards, terv respectful ly, W. B. FERRELL, M. D. Nfah Mahik.tta, 0a. March 21, 1H70 Messrs. Win. Hoot & Son. Dear Sirs: Some months ngo 1 bought a bottle of Bradlield's Fe male Regulator from you, aud have used it in my family with the utmost satisfaction, and have recommended it to three other families, and they have found it just what it is recommended. The females who have used your REGULATOR are in perfect health, and aro able to attend to tlieli household duties, and we cordially recom mend it to the public. Yours respectfully. Rev. II. U. JOHNSON. We could add a thousand other certificates ; but we consider the above amply sufficient proof of its virtue. All we a k is a trial. For full particulars, history of diseases and certificates of its wonderful cures, the reader is referred to the wrapper around tha bottle. Manufactured and sold by llltAi ril'XD Ac CO., Price I.5U. ATLANTA, OA. Sold by all Druggists. junel5,'71-ly R. F. Scruggs, M .D. Sweetwater, Tenn., Pure Drugs and Medicines Paints, Oils, Dye Stuffs, Perfumery, Toilet and Fancy Articles, Patent Medicines of all Kinds. Horse and Cattle Powders, Cigars, Smoking and Chewing Tobacco, Pure "NV i n c s and Brandies, For Medicinal Purposes. Colognes, Hair Oils, Pomade, Cooking, Flavoring and Handkerchief Extracts. Candies. Raisins, Window Glass and Tutty, LAMPS AND CHIMNEYS. Lamp Oil of the Lest Quality. Envelopes, Paper, Pens and Ink. Pocket Cutlery, IN STRUM ENTS, Combs and Brushes, And, in fact, everything usually kept in a Drug Store, and for sale at popular prices. Prescriptions accurately com pounded. Persons wishing his Professional services can find him at THE Drug Store, dcc2 ly. N, 1, IVJAYESj DENTIST, ftweeiiraur, Tennessee. DEVOTES his entire attention to the practice of Dentistry. tT7 Insures satisfaction, and charges to suit the dull times'. Posters Neatly juinlecl nt tlie Enterprise Office I87X. Higlit & Scruggs. FALL AND "WINTER STOCK COMPLETE! We have received and want to sell Complete Stock of MerihandUe, nt prices to suit the times. You cau buy of us, Domestics, Tickings, Drillings, Satinetts, Cassimeres, Linseys. ALPACCAS, DELAINES, Flannels, ass'td colors, Jeans, Blankets, Shawls, Breakfast Capes BOOTS E SHOES Sugar, Coffee, Salt, Iron, Nails, Quccnsware, and NOTIONS OF ALL KINDS We make a spc-Ialty of HARD W A R E, And intend keepiog on hand to suit Buy era all kiixls of Mechanics' Tools, Building Hardware, Cutlery of all kinds and everything in this line, aud will sell them as low us they can be bought aud brought bore. PRODUCE, We will buy vour Wheat, your Corn your Oats, 1! utter, Eggs, Chivkeu.s, Dried bruit, reus, &e. HIGHT & SCRUGGS. JUST RECEIVED! A LARGE AND VARIED STOCK OF miL & WINTER a s f Which we propose to sell cheap for cash, nr guild nu leu Lie produce at the market price. Our Stjck cuusists of DRY GOODS, CLOTHING, HATS, BOOTS and SHOES, NOTIONS Cutlery, Axes, Hoes, Knives and Forks Pocket Knives, ic., &c We have also a large stock of Queens ware of every kind, price and description. FRESH GROCERIES always in store. In fact we have almost everything usually kept in a first class re tail store. Give us a call, examine our stock and we will give yon satisfaction. J. W. GODDARD k CO., No. 2, Enterprise Block, Sweetwater. apr20tf BOLIVAR MALE ANJ FEMALE ACADEMY, MADISONVILLE, TENN. rpHE EXERCISES of this institution will begin L its next session the First Monday in Sep tember, under Prof. R. H. Ramsey, who has had charge of the Female School for the past five yenrs. Latin, Greek, the Sciences, Higher Mathematics, Belles Letters and a thorough English Primary course will be taught. Entire satisfaction is assured to all patrons, from the success of Prof. Kamser anil his popularity as an Instructor and Disciplinarian. Hoard can be obtained at the usual prices. rates or tuition: Primary, 5 Months, $10.00. Intermediate, 5 Months, $12.50. Advanced, 5 Months, $15.00. Dr. Joseph TJptok, Frea't. JJoiml Trustees. mi. Emiirrants and Travellers- SAVE YOUR MONEY If yon are going to Memphis, Little Hock, Pine Bluff, New Orleans, fialveaton, Texas, or sny point on the Misalasipp. Red or Arkansas Riv ers, or to St. Louis, Kansas City, ft. Joseph, Omaha, or sny point West or Northwest, be cer tain and buy your tickets via St. Louis, Memphis, XashTllle and I'liattanoosa Great Through Line. Trains run through from Chattanooga to Mem phis, Tenn., and Columbus, Ky., Without Change of Cars. Therefore milking Only One Change Jlflvem Chattovirri and St. Louin. .'-' This Is the shnrt and qnick route "West and Northwest, being from 28 TO 100 MILES 8HORTER an bvth any other route. And equal, It not bet ter than any Line to Texas, Arkansas aud the Mississippi river Emigrants by this route will not he put in Box Cars which have no tires, seats or comforts ot any kind; hut wilt have excellent Passenger cars, thoroughly heated and well ventilated. Remember this and give us a trial aud see if we do not do as we nt'owwa.. Rates of Emigrants are as follows : Knoxville to Memphis, (13.90 ' Little Rock, 21.011 " St. Louis, (Rail) 21.35 " " (River) 17.35 " Kansas City, (River) 27.35 " " " (Rail) 31.35 " Bt. Joseph, " 31.35 " " (River) 27.35 " Omaha, " 33.35 ' " (Rail) 37.35 11 San Francisco, (Rail) ... .114.35 ' (River) 110.35 Kansas City, all River,.... 21.85 Passengers and Emigrants by this Line from ChattaiioDga have choice of 3 different Routes to the Went and Northwest, as follows : Via Union I'ity, Hickman or Louisville, tnerelbre giving ti superior advantages overall other Routes. Trains, run to and from Chattanooga, as follows : LEAVE. ARRIVE 3.10a.m. Sundays Excepted. 4.30 a. m 8.01 p. in. Daily, 7.10 p. m All passengers are entitled to 100 povnds bug gage, which will be bandied with care free of charge. For further information address Agents of this Line at the following places : R. M. Hook, Chattanooga, Tennessee II. C. Rose, " " L. L. ( lumen t, Cleveland, H.W. Renfm, Loudon, W. J. Taylor, Morristown, " O. M. tlnrrill, Knoxville, 41 For Quick Time and Sure Connec tions don't forget to buy your Tickets of the St. Lvuin, Mrmihw, tfnxhmlle and Chatta nooga Great Through Line JOHN W. THOMAS, Gen'l Superintendent W. L. DANLEY, ' ; Genl P. & T. Agent DR O. S. PROPHITT'S Celebrated Liver Medicine. 'S9HsWBVsMJBMSMKflBflBUflSJSJSJQtt2!Sn9JSflB9g ACTS with gentleness and thoroughness upon the Liver and Oeneral Circulation keens the Bowels in natural motion and cleanses the System from all impurities. JfcP Never fails to cure Liver Disease In any lorm I lorpntity, Enlargement, Dyspepsia, Indigestion, Lohs of Appetite, Nausea, Sour Stomach, Heart Burn, Debility, Low Spirits, Cold Feet and hands, I'oativenese, l.istlessness, Colic, Chronic Diar rhea Chronic Chills and iever. ItTT Compounded in strict accordance with skillful chemistry and scientific pharmacy, this purely Vegetable Compound has, after the everesl tsst of twenty years Incessan use, heen ntyled the Oreat Restorative aud Reeuperanl by the enlightened testimony of thnutmnde using it; so harmoniously adjusted that it keeps the Liver in healthful action; asd when the direc tions are ohcesved, the process of wiihte and re plenishment in the human system continues un interruptedly to a ri pe old ace, and man, likn the patriarchs of old, drops into the grave full ef years, without a struggle, whenever Death claims his prerogntive, Adapted to the most dcl- n ate temperament ami romist constitution, it oan be given wit.i eiUal safety and certainty ot success to the young cuilu, invalid lady or strong man. je22 ly Weed FAMILY FAVORITE SEWJNG MACHINE. SOME OF ITS POINTS OF SUPERIORITY. IT IS the lightest and fastest-rnnning of any first-class shuttle Machine. It has mora room to admit of work under the arm. It is cleaned and oiled with much less trouble every part being in plain sight, It is less liable to get out of order there be ing no acting springs used in its construction. It has the most simple and effective feed de vice. It is decidedly the simplest and most durable Machine in the market. It is easier learned to operate than any other Machine. fgJ-BE tURE.CDj to examine it before buying any other Machine. STACY & ANGEL, Gen'l Ag'ts., 102 Oay Street, Knoxville, Tenn TJogart & Mayes have this celebrated Machine for sale. Call and let us show you how it works and we are sure you will buy no other. jcO '71-tf BOGARI & MATES. JOHN W. HOPE. t. MILLER, HOPE & MILLER, Watchmakers and Jewelers DEALERS 1JI Watches, decks, Jewelry and Silver Pllc4 Ware, TE Respectfully call the attention of the cltl if Jens of East Tennessee to our splendid Diocn or Watches, Clocks and Jewelry, Table t' utlery nftlie Finest Quality. Watches, Clocks, Jewelry Sc., Repaired on shor Notice on the most Reasonable terms. IC7 All work done by Experienced Workmen ani Warrauted.OI Don't fail to call and see us when you visit tba city. I10PE A MILLER, OAY STREET, nkxt door above the entrance to 1st Baptist Church, Knoxville, Tennessee. junel -P tf 11. 1 lit " fa F. Booabt. N. L MAYE3 nOG.IRT Si HAYES, Druggists and Booksellers SWEETWATER, TENN. WE TIAVE JCST REPLENISHED OVR Stock of Good.', aud have now for sale cheap for Cash, A NICE ASSORTMENT OF PURE DRUGS, MEDICINES, DYE STLTFS, PAINTS, OILS, TOBACCO AND SEGA US ALL KINDS OF Fancy Toilet Articles, Illjflily perfunirtl HoiipM, HAIR OILS, HANDKERCHIEF EXTRACTS, AC, AC. A1."0, an assortment of ROOKS & STATIONERY, Consisting of all kinds of School, Literary and Miscellaneous. FINE FRENCH PAPETi AND EN VELOPES. Visiting Curds, Tom Thumb Note Titpor, Initial Taper and Envelopes, PICTURES OF ALL KINDS AND SIZES, AND PICTURE FRAMES TO SUIT ALL. HIOTOGRAriI ALBUMS, &a, ac., Antl, in fact, almost everything that is kept in a Drug and Rook Store. We can, we think, offer inducements to buy goods from in. Give us a trial an test our prices. Any Book, or other article, jfj our line, ordered we can furnish in 21 hours. L0GA11T & MAYES. Juael-'tf SIXTY-FIVE FIRST PRIZE MEDALS AWARDED THE CHEAT jOITHEUN I'IANii .MANUFACTORY. Wm. KNilBE & CO., Mnirifucturerg of GRAND SQUARE & UPRIGHT Piano Fortes, Baltimore, Mp. These Instruments have been before the pub lic nearly Thirty Years, nnd upon their excel lence alone nttaineil and unpurchased pre-eminence, which prouounces them uucijuulud, iu TUNE, TOUCH, WORKMANSHIP AND DURABILITY. CJAU our Square Pianos have our New Im proved OvisiM kum biAI.K and the Auiukfk Tkhii.k. CJWe would call special attention to our lute Patented Improvements in (Jraud Pianos and Hijuure Grands, fouud in no other Piano, which bring I lie Piano nearer Pcricctiou than has jet been attained. KVKIIY I'IANII Kl I.l.TWAItRAXTKIl FOR FIVE TKAI1S. ttaj-We are by special arrangement enabled to turuish Parlor Oignns and Mclodcons of the most celebrated makers, Wholesale aud Retail at lowest Factory Prices. Illustrated Catalogues and Price Lists prompt ly furnished on application to WM. KNAIlli & CO., Baltimore, Md., Or any of our regular established agencies. oct2ti-lv Just Hecciycd AT MY OLD STAND Sweetwater, Tenn. Coffee. Sugar, Syrup, Candies, Spices, Pepper, Fine Tulacco, Cheese, Crackers, and in fact everything in the Grocery Line, Which will be sold Strictly for Cash, which will enable mo to give better bar gains than to sell What I keep shall be good, aud sold at low as possible. Try me. I am making arrangements fn keep MKALnnd FLOUIl, Also nice Bacon and Lard. Will keep a good supply of eatables nnnstantlv on hand. H. L. YM. oct26 3m. THE ENTERPRISE. Sweetwater. Thursday.Dec. 21,1871. 'A Printer's Misfortune. Some yenrs ago, when the writer wa9 a reporter upon an Eastern paper, it de volved upon him to write for the same edition nn -account of the presentation of a gold -Loaded cane to the Rev. D. Mudge, the clergyruun of the laoe, and the description of a putent-hog-killing and suusuge machine, that h:ul just hecu put in opi itilion at tho factory. Now, what iiiiule Dr. Madge mad was this. The inconsiderate buccaneer who made up the loins got the two locals mixed up in a frightful manner, nnd when wu wo-.ttto pie;.?., a M.itthing hko thU was the appalling result: "Stiveral of the Rev. Dr. Madge's friends culled upon Liin yesterday, aud after a brief conversation tho unsuspec ting hog was seized by the hind legs and slid along a beam, until ho reached the hot water tank. His friends explained tho object of their visit, nnd presented him with a very handsome gold-headed butcher, who grabbed him by tho tail, swung him round, cut his throat from ear to ear, and in less than a minute the carcass was in tho water. Thcro-upon ho ciine forward nnd said there were times when the feelings overpowered oue, und for that reiwin ho would not at tempt to do more than thank those around him for tho manner in which bo hugo an animal wns cut into so many fragments was simply astonishing. The doctor concluded his remarks, when the machine seized hiin, nnd in less time than it takes to write it tho hog was cut into fragments and worked up into de licious saus.'igo. Tho occasion will long bo remembered by tho doctor's friends as ono of tho most delightful of their lives. Tho best pieces can bo obtained for fifteen cents pound, aud wo nro sure that thoso who h ive sat so long un der his ministry will rejoice that ho Las been so handsomely treated." Mad? "Well, about nino o'clock that morniug tho offico had been abandoned by every man but the advertising clerk, and lu ascended to the roof and robed himself in boiler iron, so that ho could watch the venerable clergyman tearing round there in tho street with his con gregation, all wearing the panoply of war, and carrying butcher knives and things. The next day wo explained nud apologized, but tho doctor stopped his subscription and began to tuke tho rival paper." Exrhango. -- Girls' Opinion of Newspapers. Margary Dean, in ono of her spicy letters from Newport, gives tho follow ing piquant discussion between some young ladies concerning tho merits of certain newspapers: Sitting on the hotel piazza tho ether morning, watching a group of young la dies, I overheard a curly headed little maiden who was frizzled and punniercd and puffed in tha height of style, ex claim, "Oh, I like the Independent best!" A moment beforo I could have sworn la I'dili; never looked at a newspaper, and somewhat surprised, I took the lib erty of listening further. "The Tribune suits me," said her black-eyed compan ion. "I take the Evening Post," chimed in a stylish saucy looking girl, who was pelting somebody over the railing with pond lilies beautiful LimcIi, by t!ie way, which tivj minutes beforo I had siian a gentleman carefully selecting for her from a lit tiu urchin's basket. And when, I wonder, do you girls get time to rend tho ucv.-.spaper.-? "Fold them four double, i f coiuv-o," was tho next sentence L caught, and more puzzled than before, I very impolitely wulkod near the group, when everything was mado clear to me by tho blomlo liUlo oue saying, "I had rather have a newspaper any nay than tho best pannier that was ever made in Paris." I fell back in my seat, uncertain whether to laugh or to feel provoked with tho chatterboxes, who h id strolled off to lay seige to a party of gentlemen just from tho beach. To tho Point. For brevity and perspicuity commend us to the following official report of a California vigiluuco committee. If the Great North American Present Taker would model his State papers after it, his reputation might be the gainer. For fear he will not otherwise see it, we shall tuko pains to send him a copy of this edition .of the Telegraph & Messenger. Says the report: "Wo, the 500 emigrants, quietly mar ched to the Justice's court and deman ded tho prisoner. They refused to give him up. V,'e, tho COO emigrants, took him, tried him, condemned him, and hung him on the same tree he had mur dered nis victim under. 'Farewell, vain world,' were his last words, as tho mule walked away and left him there. "Wo, the 500 emigrants, followed the mule." In the window of a Broadway (New York) variety store is to be seen a toy eallcd the "mechanical milking-cow." It cau yield more milk than any live cow that ever was, soeing that through a hatchway in tho spinal ridge the hollow bidy of tao bovine fraud cau be supplied with milk at discretion. A Long Island farmer had sued his wife for divorce because, after coming to this city and listening to a lecture in fa vor of free lovo, kJio insisted upon hail ing evory maD who passed the house and inviting him in to have a talk. World. It is said that Jnlien, the musician, has "skipped" with the entire proceeds of the grand concerts and bulls recently given in New York for the gratification of the Grand Duke. Ho owed his musi cians in the neighborhood $1,000. -- "Why nre people who hnvo nothing to be proud of but their pedigree, liko po tatoes? Because the only good belonging to thcia is tinder ground. Just ii Question or Tiro. An exchange thus deseaots upoa printing office beres, hitting the mark so fairly ou the hrad, we cannot fail to appreciate, eudorse aud copy. Here ar a few of the inuumerablo questions which printers are called upou to answer: Do you print both aidej of the pnper at once? How long does it tuka to make a newspaper ? Suppose you write everything you print, don't you? Why lire thoe boxos of different sizes, and how do you know where to find a certain letter? Can't you print a picture of anything you want to? I should thiuk you could. Why can't you ? (After priutiiig some horse bills for a man not long ago, ho found fault with them because tho 'cut' was not like his horse. On another occasion, a, gcntle mau came to us with the information that he had left his horse in front of tho oflice, and ho wanted a picture of it tak en aud some bills printed .) If you print oue hundred bills for $3, I suppose you will let me have four for twelve cents? I should think it would be fun to be an editor you don't do anything but sit down and read newspapers and sto ries all day ! Do you throw your type away after you have printed upon it once ? You don't care if I take a handful of this type do you ? It can't be very Lard to set typo all day is it, now? Can't I help you print something? I wish you would priut my name for mo; it wouldn't be much trouble to print off just one nume. What is this for ? whnt do you do with that? what makes that look so fun ny ? what are you going to do now ? what for? why? what makes you keep so still ? You don't care if a fellow justs talks, do yon ? By tho time a man goes through with this list of questions, his company be comes so monotonous that he cunnot fail to perceive its effects upon the listners, and ho walks olT with the impression that we have treated him unkindly and impolitely. AH the above is to the point, and when the questioner takes tbe hint and leaves of his own accord, we feel serene. But then, as occurred with us the oth er day, a man comes in with a 82-page pamplet, with tbe backs torn off, aud in sists on us printing him a copy of that same, backs and title-page included, for ten cents, because that is all the original copy cost him, we feel disposed to ex plain to him the quickest method of get ting down stairs, free of churgo. : -4 A Renouncing Dictionary. Mr. P. What is the meaning, my dour, of tho word "dictionary" being stuck against the wall within our area gale? I have observed it these two morn ings. Mrs. P. Really, I can't tell. It must b:t some scheme of tiiat infatuated cook, i li ivu no doubt it conveys some pri vate signal to tho police constable who is so often lurking in the area- her Hich am, as she calls Li u. But I'll ring the bell and insist upon knowing. (Kings the bell und causes Cook to appoar.) Now, cook, I thought I told you that if you didn't warn that policeman off the premises I should warn you oil? Cook. Yes, ma'am. Mrs. P. Well, then, what is the mean ing of the private signal your master has seen against area wall? Cook. Private signal, ma'am? I.Irs. P. Yes, Private signal; yon know verv well what I mrau the niece of p.-.per with tho word "Dictionary' up on it!" Cook. "La, ma'am, why, that be just what you told me to do. Poor Richard can't read writing, and I've been made promise not to speak to him; so tbe on ly way I could warn him off, as you or dered, was by a printed notice. Ho can read printed letters, von see. ma'am. and our Sainivel said as how all I'd got to do was, to cut "Dii k-xhitn-airy" out of a book, and stick it up where he,d see it." Very Decided. A paper called the Caucasian, publish ed in Lexington, Mo., thus proclaims its attitude on national politics: "Horace Greeley, Gratz Brown, Cox, Trumbull, Palmer, or the devil anybo dy to beat Ulysses the gift-taker 1" 'I here is no possibility of a compro mise between Grant and that editor 1 Ex. The following dialogue, which took place in a itreet ear, is too good to be iost: Ono of a couple of Teutonic gentle men, sitting in one end of the car, see ing a 'llashy' dressed fellow come in aud tako his seat at an opposite end from where they were sitting, asked: Who ish dat, Hans?' 'Oh, dat ish a sphorL' Vat you call sphort, aye?' 'You not know vot a sphort is, aye?' Vel, ho is oue of dor fellers vat shave all the hair off a pig, and cover him nil over with soap, and bet a green Dutch man live dollars he can't catch him.' An. Irishman, being annoyed by a howling dog in the night, jumped out of bed to dislodge the offender. It was in the month of January, when the snow was threo feet deep. He not returning, his wife ran out to see what was the matter. There she found her husband, in his night suit, hia teeth chattering, and his whole body almost paralyzed with cold, holding the struggling dog by the tail. "Holy mother, Pat," t aid she, "what wud ye be nfther doing'?" "Hush," said he, ''don't ye see? I'm tryiu' to fnize the baste !" " A physician has discovered that the night-mare, iu nine cases out of ten, is produced from owing a bill to the printer.