By DON MARK LEMON
(Coovrisbt. by fihortalor Pub. Co.)
The advertisement mppeared but
once In the "Male Help Wanted" col
umns of a morning paper. It read:
8KVEN 8MAIX. NEAT. BALD-HEAD-ed
men will be paid handsomely for a
brief engajri-nient. No soliciting. Burke,
room CT. Ko Bid.
Tbe elevator boy at the Fox build
ing was a colored lad. and bla stove
polish grin gradually encroached upon
bin ears as he lifted cage after cage
full of neat little bald headed men to
the fourth floor. They came in such
numbers that It would seem that every
wife, mother or sister who had a neat
little bald-headed man about the house
had polished him up spick and span
and sent him forth to answer the advertisement
Dy noon of the following day the
number fell off to an occasional ap
plicant who would descend from the
fourth floor looking greatly disappoint
ed. The favored seven had been
chosen and a notice to that effect post
ed on the door of room 427.
Two weeks later there appeared
simultaneously in various sections of
the city seven dapper little men, who
no sooner removed their hats than
there was disclosed to view a device
more striking than the poet's classic
"Excelsior." On the shining crown of
each little man's bald head, written In
a new growth of silky hair, were the
The public immediately became a
smilng interrogation point, and it was
learned from these human letter-heads
that sometime during the following
month there would be placed upon the
market a hair-restorer warranted to
i '-1 m Jri
tive, and for the same reason he had
not placed the formula in writing, and
the seven little bald-headed men
gasped when they learned the true
state of a?airs and realized the predic
ament In which they were placed.
They must now go through life with
the device "Ask Me." written across
their heads by nature's Indelible hand.
unless they possessed the courage to
have it removed hair by hair by the
electric needle, or Ignoble resort
shaved their heads frequently, like so
One of their number the wit sud
denly arose and left the room where
they had gathered to discuss the situ
ation. A few minutes later it was re
called that he had boasted of having
In his possession a vial of the precious
hair restorative, and his six friends
arose and hurried after him.
But the wit had aroused his strap
ping wife and boys to the exigencies
of the situation, and safely, behind
barred doors, he coolly applied to his
scalp a liberal quantity ot the marvel
ous hair producing fluid.
From his window he could see his
late companions-ln-advertlsement gath-
ered on the sidewalk looking wistfully
and enviously at his door and he
pitied them from the bottom of his
heart. But there remained only suf
ficient restorative to grow one full
head of hair, and if any one needed
hair he did.
He rubbed into his scalp the
Dreclous drous of Eolden liquid nd
wiped his flnirers on his chin.
"Friends can always be had," he
meditated thoughtfully, "but hair once
gone returns no more!"
One by one his late companions dls
persed, as they realized the utter fu
tility of protest or appeal under the
circumstances, and the wit remained
locked In hra room for a week, at the
end of which period he sallied forth
with a luxurious growth of silky red
hair, such as he had not possessed
even as a boy.
But he found his friends lighter
hearted and more forgiving than he
had expected. They had discovered
that by letting the device "Ask Me
grow to a good length it could be skill
fully brushed and parted to represent
a full head of hair, and this discovery
had softened their hearts toward their
more fortunate companion.
The discoverer of the formula Is at
the present time being tenderly
watched and guarded by a secret
league of bald headed men, for his in
terest Is also their Interest, and in the
words of the president of the league:
"If memory should again re light her
extinguished torch in the mind of this
genius, fame and fortune will find
their way to his lodge, though it were
in a trackless wilderness."
There U a Sure Way of Knowing Good
There is really no need whatever for
any property owner to take chance la
the selection of his paint materials.
It doesn't cost a cent to learn bow to
be on the safe side. Certainly every
property owner bas enough at stake to
find this out.
A complete painting guide, known as
Houseowner's Painting Outfit No. 49,
can be bad free by writing Katlonal
Lead Company, 1903 Trinity Building,
New York. This company is the largest
maker of pure white lead in the world.
Its Dutch Boy Painter trademark
Is famous as a guarantee of purity and
quality. The outfit includes a book
of color schemes, for either Interior or
exterior painting, a book ot specifica
tions, and a simple little instrument,
with directions for testing the purity
ot paint materials.
HO NEED TO TAKE CHANCES
WISE TO NIAGARA.
Left Thousands of Veterans with Kid
The experience of David W. Martin.
a retired merchant of Bolivar. Mo, is
Just like thou
sands of others.
Mr. Martin says:
"I think I have
bad kidney dis
ease ever since the
war. During an en
horse fell on me,
straining my back
and Injuring the
I have been told I had a
floating kidney. I had intense pain
In the back, headaches and dizzy
spells, and the action of the bladder
very Irregular. About three years ago
I tried Doan's Kidney Pills and Inside
of a comparatively short time was en
tirely rid of kidney trouble."
Sold by all dealers. 50 cents a box.
Foster-Milburn Co., Buffalo, N. Y.
Teacher Johnny, can you tell ma
the most remarkable thing about Ni
Johnny Yessum; the price they
soak you for everything without going
TOTAL LOSS OF HAIR
8eemed Imminent Scalp Was Very
Scaly and Hair Came Out by Hand-
fuls Scalp Now Clear and
New Hair Grown by Cuticura.
"About two years ago I was troubled
with my head being scaly. Shortly
after that I had an attack of typhoid
tever and I was out of the hospital
possibly two months when I first no
ticed the loss of hair, my scalp being
still scaly. I started to use dandruff
cures to no effect whatever. I had
actually lost hope of saving any hair
at all. I could brush it off my coat
by the handful. I was afraid to comb
It. But after using two cakes of Cuti
cura Soap and nearly a box of Cuti
cura Ointment, the change was sur
prising. My scalp is now clear and
healthy as could bo and my hair thick
er than ever, whereas I had my mind
made up to be bald. W. F. Steese, 5812
Broad St, Pittsburg, Penn., May 1 and
Potter Drug Cbcm. Corp., Bole Props., Boston.
NOW HE HAS FOUND OUT.
Hurried After Him.
grow hair on the stubbornest bald
head in two weeks' time. The wordB:
"Ask Me" were material proof of the
hair restorer's claims.
"Gentlemen, It Is not merely an In
stance of 'heir expectant,' but an in
stance ot 'heir apparent to the crown,' "
said one ot the seven little men who
had developed into a wit under the
exhilaration ot a second growth of
Men who had been bald for 10, 20,
eoroe 30 years, and had long forgotten
the price of a hairbrush, gazed into
one another's eyes with dawning hope
and encouragement, and the seven lit
tle men went about publishing the
good news broadcast, wined and dined
by an Interested public.
Certain established manufacturers
of proprietary hair medicines circulat
ed the report that the human letter
heads were not, and had never been,
bald, but that their heads bad been
shaved, leaving only the device, "Ask
The seven little men hotly denied
this aspersion upon their honor and
their baldness, and the wittiest of them
struck off a pamphlet entitled: "A
Crown Seven Years Without a Heir,"
which sold like a baseball extra.
It wus now that something unfore
Horn occurred. The discoverer and
tuile possf ssor of the marvelous hair-
restorer was accidentally injured on
the head by a falling mortar, and lost
nil recollection of his great secret. For
better sectirlly he bad told no one of
Ui chemical formula of the restart-
Solution of a Mystery That Bothered
the Middle Aged Man In His Youth.
"When I was a boy," said the mid
dle aged man, "we used to come across
a pear tree occasionally that had pears
so hard you couldn't bite 'em. Maybe
vou've Been 'em.
They were a chunky built pear al
most spherical In shape, a very dark
green, almost black, In co'.ar and of
about the same specific gravity as
cast Iron. You threw one of those
nears against a rock and It might
chip the rock but it would have no ef
feet on the pear. These pears never
rnt Hue: thev always remained ot
timt that same hardness. There were
no apples that we could not bite into,
hut those hard pears were proof even
acalnst the teeth of our youth.
"I used to wonder sometimes wny
those pears grew, what they were tor
and what became of them. Now I
know. I came across Borne yesterday
"There they were in the dish, two
nieces of one pear, two hemispheres
of pear, looking strangely familiar
when in my mind I had reconstructed
them to make one pear; and when
after barely- escaping shooting the
niece I tried out of the dish onto the
table in my repeated endeavors to
penetrate it; when, I say, I had final
ly managed to shave a sliver off this
piece I felt morally certain, and when
I had tasted it any lingering doubt 1
might have had was removed; it was
tasteless. They were beyond all ques
tion the same old pears.
"Boiling and steaming had softened
them a little on the surface, but not
much, and despite all treatment they
still remained as they had ever been,
without taste. They were the pears,
all right the pelrlned pears ot our
youth, and while we couldn't eat them
we smiled as we thought we had
solved at last that long standing mys
tery of what they did with them they
Humor in Public Men.
The statesman who can privately re
1rx and warm himself by the fire ol
gonial talk Is ordinarily better fitted
for his work than the one who keeps
himself perpetually tense. But humor
overdone or misplaced Is fatal to men
In great office. Not to Judge alona U
Eicon's counsel applicable that is
their public appearances they should
be "more learned than witty." New
HARDSHIPS OF ARMY LIFE.
PROSABLY HARDEST OF ALL
Would You Like to Be a Nurse In a
May 1st Mercy Hospital will occupy
the new 100-bed addition, when 12
more nurses will be wanted In the
Training School. Two years' course.
Most thorough Instruction given In
theoretical and practical work, calcu
lated to train for private or Institu
tional patterns. Pleasant and com
fortable home at the hospital Seven
churches within walking distance.
Time allowed for nurses to attend
If desired. Our graduates are in
steady demand at $23.00 per week. For
particulars, address Dr. K. B. Richard
son. Cor. Sec, 21 Clinton Place, Kan
sas City, Ma
"What money-making scheme have
you devised this year?"
"One dandy. I'm getting up some
road maps for the use of department
Positively cared bjr
these Little Pills.
Tnev alta reliev Pie
i too aiMl Too lira n f
tjkliii?. A perfect r-mr
edjr fur Diiziiiesa, Katr
ea, Drowslnessi, Ba4
Taal In Ike Month. Cue ,
ed Tonjrae, Pais la ta
Side, TORPID UVKB,
They regelate the Bowels, rarely Fesretabisv
SHALL PILL. SMALL COSE. SHALL PRICE..
Genuine Must Bear
Wifey's Addition to List ef Her House
hold Duties of Course Was
After dinner the other evening Mr.
and Mrs. Brown started to speak of j
their respective duties, and soon an
argument as to whether the husband
or the wife had tbe hardest work to
perform was In full swing. First
Brown warbled, and then wifey Bang.
"A wife," argued the good lady, "has
to cock, wash dishes, clothe the kids,
scrub the floors, sweep the house.
make the beds, build the fires, carry
up coal, nail slats on the back fence,
"Is that all?" sarcastically Inter
rupted Mr. Brown.
"No," was the prompt rejoinder ot
Mrs. Brown. "In addition to those du
ties every wife haa to keep her hus
band from making a fool of himself?"
A CURE FOR FITS.
The Treatment Is to Accomplish
What Science Has Been Strug
gling to Attain for Centuries.
The intense interest that has lieen mani
fested throughout the country by the won
derful cures that arc being accomplished
iailv by epilfpticide Bt ill continues. It is
really surprising the vast nuiulier of peo
ple who have already been cured of tits
ind nervousness. In order that everybody
may have a chance to test the medicine,
large trial bottles, valuable literature, His
tory of Epilepsy and testimonials, will be
lent by mail absolutely free to all who
write to the Dr. May Laboratory, 68
Pearl Street, New lork City.
This church, like many another one,
had had trouble about pumping the or
gan, and the plan of using water
power was gladly adopted. Connec
tion was made with the pipes of the
rectory, which Btood on the adjoining
lot. All the preliminary tests were
satisfactory. On the Sunday morn
ing when the apparatus was to be
used for the first time at a regular
service the organist arrived early tor
final trial. There was not a hitch.
The congregation generally know ot
the Innovation, and awaited the open
ing strains of the processional with
uncommon Interest. Not a sound came
from the organ, however, and the
choir had to march in singing the
hymn as best It could, unaccompanied.
Of course the disappointment was
The rector's wife was resourceful.
A clergyman's wife usually has to be.
She Blipped out by a side door and re
turned In five minutes with a note.
This she forwarded to her husband.
It read: "It's all right now. Cook
waa taking a bath."
"Colonel," asked the beautiful girl,
"did you ever ride a horse 90 miles In
"No," replied the veteran of two
wars, "but I once ran 20 miles In about
30 minutes, which I think was going
some, considering the fact that the un
derbrush was thick and I was In so
much of a hurry that I forgot to throw
away a knapsack that weighed nearly
"See here, kid, If I ever catches you
cry-in' like dat big booby here, I'll dis
own you and cut you off without a
Thers la more Catarrh In this sect Inn of the country
Ulan all other diseases put tmtellirr, end until the last
tew years waa supiwsetl to be Incurable, tor a great
many yean OOClurs prunouncru it a mvai uimbm- mm
prescribed local remedies, and by rnnsuntlt latum
tn cure with local treatment, pronounced It Incurable.
Science haa proven Catarrh to be a constitutional dla
taM. and thercforn requires conatltut'.onal triutmeut.
Hall's ratarrh Cure, manuracturea Dy r. J ineney
4 ro. Toledo. Ohio. Is the only Constitutional cure on
ihA market. It la tnken Internally In doees Irom 10
drops to a traapnonful. It arts directly oil the blood
and mucous surfaces of the system. They oner one
hundred dollars lor any case It talis to cure, oeuu
lor circulars and testimonials.
Address: r. J. Hi Mum w., loisao. viuu.
Hold by Drucelsti, 7te.
Take nail's Family full tor oonstlps 'Jon.
Proper Food Put Him Right.
The food experience of a physician
In his own case when worn and weak
from Blckness and when needing nour
ishment the worst way is valuable
"An attack of grip, so severe It came
near making an end of me, left my
stomach In such condition I could not
retain any ordinary food. I knew of
course that I must have food nourish
ment or I could never recover.
"I began to take four tablespoonfuls
of Grape-Nuts and cream three times a
day and for 2 weeks this was almost
my only food; it tasted so delicious
that I enjoyed it Immensely and my
stomach handled it perfectly from the
first mouthful. It was so nourishing
was aulckly built back to normal
health and strength.
"Grape-Nuts Is of great value
food to sustain life during serious at
tacks In which the stomach is so de
ranged it cannot digest and assimilate
"I am convlneed that were Grape-
Nuts more widely used by physicians,
it would save many lives that are oth
erwise lost from lack of nourishment
Absolutely the most perfect food In
the world. Trial of Grape-Nuts 10 day
proves. "There's a Reason."
Look In pkg. for the little book, "Tbe
Road to Well vllle."
Km rend III above teller f A
ewe appears from ties te time. Tare
are aeaalae, Irae. aaa fall ef aaiuae
Cured by Lydia E Pink
ham's Vegetable Compound
AlX-fa. XVXi A J J.W sV. JL kUU V .J uva JUM
rinkham's Vegetable Compound haa
fven me new ate.
suffered for ten
years with serious
female troubles, in
could not sleep.
Doctors gave me
up, as they said my
chronic I was in
despair, and did not
care whether I lived
or died, when I read about Lydia E.
Pinkham's Vegetable compound; so l
bepan to take it, and am well again and
relieved of all my suffering.'1 Mrs.
tiEOBGE jordy.uox 40, juariton, JN J.
Lydia E. rinkham's Vegetable Com
pound, made from native roots and
herbs, contains no narcotics or harm
ful drugs, and to-day holds the record
for the largest number of actual cures
or lemaie diseases we Know or, ana
tuousandsof voluntary testimonialsare
on file in the Pinkham laboratory at
Lynn, Mass., from women who have
been cured from almost every form of
lemaie complaints, inuammation, ul
ceration, displacements, fibroid tumors,
irregularities, periodicpains, backache,
indigestion and nervous prostration.
Every suffering woman owes it to her-
seii to give L.yaia E. nnKnam a vege
table compound a trial.
If you would like upeclal advice
about your case write a confiden
tial letter to Mrs. l'inkliam. at
Lynn, Mass. Her advice is free,
and always helpful.
MORE BIO CROPS IN 1908
Another 60,000 see.
tiers from the United
States. New dis
tricts opened for set
tlement 320 acres
homestead and 160 at $3.00 per acre.
A vest rich country and a contented proe
pereue people." kxtrtut frtm ntrtintnc
' a A'etummi FJUf, 4ar mil Hrstrm
Cseeafd, m Amfrut, pel. awj iuiftraiun. -
Many have paid the entire cost of their
farms and had a balance of from $10X0 to
$20.00 per acre as a result of one crop.
Spring wheat, winter wheat, oats, barley,
flax and peas are the principal crops, while
the wild grasses bring to perfection the
best cattle that have ever been sold on
the Chicago market
Splendid climate, schools and churches
in all localities. Railways touch most of
the settled districts, and prices tor produce
are always good. Lands may also be pur
chased from railway and land companies.
For pamphlets, maps and Information re
garding; low railway rales, apply to Superin
tendent of Immigration, Ottawa, Canada, or
tbe authorized Canadian Government Agent!
Is. CS V. hints Sirtet. Isaau CUr, Niuoaii
Took an Antidote.
Percival came running to his grand
ma one day asking for a drink of wa
ter. "Quick, quick, grandma," he said,
give me a drink ot water, quick!"
After he got his drink he said: "The
reason that I was In such a hurry, 1
thought I swallowed a worm while eat
ing an apple and I wanted to drown
You Need a Tonic
if you feel languid and depressed
all the time. The best thing to
help nature build up the system is
This great tonic is not a false stim
ulant as many of the so-called "spring
tonics." It is a natural strength
giver. . For all run-down conditions
of tbe health it is an invaluable rem
edy; imparts new life and vigor and
builds up the entire system.
Sold by All Leading Druggists In tiM
size bottles, 50c and 35c
The Reason I Hake and Soli More Hen's $3.30
to $3.00 Shoes Than Any Other Manufacturer
to tocaus I its tat marar tha VtMtt sf Uw ssoat
tompuu artt&liattoa ( talasa exparta an aaiUea
ahuamakar, la th. coantrr-
Tba Mlacttoa ot the lattaara for aaca part 1 the eltaa,
and aTart dat.il -oi ttm aaalne tn anry aVpaitmant, la
looka attar by tha kaat ahoe .aJtan la tha ahoa laoaitry.
II I coal efcow yaa How carotaUr L Dooalu asoaa
sr. mad.. yo wsaldtbaa indaratand why taryaold tbalr
Uy Mtthudof Tanning thSlci makes them Hera
fltxibli and Longer tutoring than ant othtrx
si hoes for r.Te-ry Member f the FtllT,
Men, lloya. Women, M lues and I hUdn a.
For sale hy shoe dealers everywhere.
PAHTinM I N'M in-imliie nithnnt W. I. lawsiM
vHU I lUll I nama and price Hamprd on ltluiu.
last Color Sralats Una Enlustalr. Catalog aallad hm
W. U D01QUS, IU Spark St. BrocUoo, Mass. .
Use Allen's Foot-Ease.
It Is the only euro for Swollen. Bmart-
In, Tired, Achilla-. Hot, Swiiitiim Keel,
Corns ami Bunions. Ask for A Urn's Fool
Knse, a powder to be nhnken Into the
shoes. Cures while you wnlk. At nil DniK-
Kists and Bhoe stores, s.o. i on i uei-epi
nnv substitute. Sample sent FKKK. Ad
dress, Allen 8. Olmsted, U'lloy, N. .
The Only Audience.
"Does anybody read real poetry now
"I presume the publishers glance at
It before sending It back."
A Domestic Eye Remedy
Compounded by KxperleneeU Physician.
Conforms to Pure Food and Drum law.
Wins Friends Wherever Used. Ask Dru
Rists for Murine Eye Remedy. Try Mu
rine In YounEyes. You Will Like Murine.
It Is the man who can't do thing
that Is always telling others how to
I'se the liest. Thiit's why they liny Red
L'ross llall Ulue. At leading grocers 5 cents.
Giving means solf-enrichmoDt as
well as self-sacrifice. Woolley.
Mr. Wlnstow's Boothlnsr Hyrap.
For cotldres teettilnu, sef lens the c'lms, rvdueea tth
aamniaiioa.allarapaia, cures wind oullu. sot a buttle.
The man who Is full, usually carries
a pocket which Is empty.
Itch cured in ! minutes hy Woolford's
Sanitary Lotion. Never fails. At druggists.
Stealing away from bad company Is
in the purchase of
ai nt matcri.Us.
t is an absolute
guarantee of pur
ity and quality.
For your own
that it is on the side of
every keg of white lead
MTIOm IEU COMMIT
1M1 Trail, lolldls!. l Tor
what Liver or Bowel medicine yoa
are using, stop it now. Get a lOo
box week's treatment of CAS
CARETS today from your druggist
and learn how easily, naturally end
delightfully your Kver can be made
to work, and your boweL move every
day. There's new lift in every box.
CASCARETS ere nature's helper.
You will see tha differtneet 883
CASCARET9 roc box for a week's
treatment, nil drwprpisis. Biggest seller
in the world. Miluoa boxes a mouth.
lr. Mi-IXTOSII celebrated
Natural Uterine Supporter
B-lvenlmmeillate relief. SM '' ,l,ur
irlinl Inatrument ilialer. ami li-iillnar
dniirelals In I nttwl Male" ami inula.
Cataleir. prii-e .taiulprui.aianuuallj
THE H ASTINGS a? McINTOSH TRUSS CO,
U Walnut St.. rhilsdVlpbla, Va.,..
n.r ..lnir. I,f Inn. - . H Till V. I
roTo iiutlcrs of tho i.mnne
suuiipeil "atclntoali" Supporter,
ACC acres high bottom, healthful, on-hard, honxes
(39 Mrlngv Tuluiilili'linitx-r. Miiii.a-lN). Ixquii'D
KiUI. add rest turner 11. Tuwa.ni. lHiiut-eii. Ark.
CletlMrf ftlkd bwitifirt Ul h!t.
Pmrrk.tfl tatuiitn. powth.
wf Fails to Bettors Grsy
Hair to irs Y.oulhful Color.
Cum trlp diMMi k hail laluufr
ASK YOUR DEALER OR
JOHN DEERE PLOW CO.
""IThompson's Eye Wa!e
W. N. U., Kansas City, No. 16-1909.
SURE FORTUNE BUILDER In Seattle
Grotmd-Vlue Grxrwth U an inevitable fortune bulkier. In New York and the
older Eastern cities, centrJll business sround-value increment has averaged more than
10 per annum for 75 yean. 1 hit u the force that made and still u increasing the
colossal Astot estate.
In SEATTLE, where population, growth and commercial and industrial development
are more rapid, the ground-value increment in the central business district has been
exceeding 25 JMC during the past 7 years. And the growth and development ot
this really marvelous city have only airly begun.
Let me show YOU how to become an owner ol one ol the mod prominent
centrally located business properties in Seattle, with all the returns in rental income and
. . . r i i . .i . . i -1 i-
srowth-ui-value, minus taxes ana care ol management, mat actual ownertnip implies.
i write to me at one:, whether you have much ot little to invest.
FRANK T: HUNTER. President.
THE TRUSTEE COMPANY. Seattle. Wash.
L COLT DISTEMPER
g uOw b tmndlwl wpy my, Tw mrrd. anrt li vf,rrr
MnserUaM.uomwui'r now -eiiisrsi. ,' irvni ustinn u tiit
Vj fctdsVtm UT U,V ii'rma uiji if I'lsir.-sii r.r . i. r.n, uitsi pa
V YAitiis Knsni.tr in fmU Aft, on Ot IiUhms sand ei) rvrm of'
F? vf V"1 1 rsj hrttt 1st u"Lvnanltrrl to rti r inn asta. hoc am- tl at htittisw auarati.
i I sUttilorun of.n.wtitYftnt haimtwtlwi.irsntnns j.iii try
nianiiitaJ-'iin'r. mi ,'ih) now w khiiiiv turoawL vwr rrs
All P'' Sf"" " 'llf. i-wi sayvnsaa WSUISMs ftassrsrwb n-iiaasx
vv honrntmrnmix iasA4smsoovwsMvvws.r
stPOHM MEDICAL CO CsMbta h fetrc.u CohH tntf U.S.JU
n e57DS nraeiLE kokigdei
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