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The Remedy. “No, sir,” declared Gazzam, as he warmed up to his subject. "You’ll never be happy so long as you are in debt. Pay your debts, Swayback, pay your debts.” "But I have no money,” said Sway back. "Then borrow it,” —Detroit Free Press. One of Our Pet Phrases. ‘‘Did any 01 the inhabitants escape with his life?” inquired the man who wants harrowing details. "I didn’t stop to ascertain,” an swered the man who is harrowingly exact. “It struck me that if any body escaped without his life there wasn’t much use in his escaping, any how.” ■ a* Could She Play?—Well “Can you play ‘Down in cie Val ley?’” he asked. "I should say I could,” she an swered. “I got down there in two strokes this afternoon, and then as tonished the crowd by making a six yard put as easy as rolling into a sand pit.” Must Feel Lost. Bilkins—How de do? Play ping pong? Wilkins—No. Bilkins—l’m sorry for you, old fel low. What on earth do you talk about when you meet people?—Stray Stories. No Mother-In-Law. “Yes; I'm to be married. She’s young, pretty and rich.” “You are to be congratulated.” “And she’s an orphan.” "What a singularly lucky dog you are!” It Depends. He—The caddy is sometimes in the way, don’t you know. She —Oh, yes—but sometimes one prefers to have him in the way.— Puck. So the doctor told you whisky would make you strong. W T hat effect did It have? Well, I bought a barrel of it last mcnth and couldn’t hit It. Now I can carry it all over the house. Easy and Pleasant. “George says he can’t make up his mind what business to take up.” “What’s he doing?’ “Living on his father.”' “Well, what’s the matter with work ing at that?” They Knew Her. She —They held a mirror over her face to see if she was alive. I don’t understand that. He —Why, you see, if she was alive she’d open her eyes and look in it. Strictly Business. “Have you observed that man who has been abusing you?” “Yes,” answered Senator Sorghum placidly, “I’ve been watching him with a great deal of interest. If I wanted anybody abused I don’t know but I should hire him in preference to any body 1 know oi.” As to a Friend. "Now, his wife was willing to let him go out with the boys one night every week, but he wouldn’t go.” "He wouldn’t go?” “No. He didn’t want to spend one night being jollied about the other six ’—Puck. Her One Thought. He —You’ve seen the pictures of those great dining halls they had in olden times, with the great mahog any table and She—Oh, yes; they’d been great for ping-pong, wouldn’t they? His Only Condolence. •^rjfe—And you have the heart to come home at 4 o’clock in the morn ing. I’m speechless. Wnahand —Stay that way. Pictorial Humor A Tip for Emperor William. "I see that the Emperor of Ger many always signs himself ‘William, I. R.’ ” “Yes.” “I wonder why somebody doesn't give him a pointer on it?” “Why should he have a pointer.” “His grammar, you know. Some body ought to put him on. ‘William, I Am’ is the way, he ought to write Mrs. Flyup—Oh! dear! The worst has happened! I'm going home to my mother. Mrs. Dingo—What is it, dear? Mrs. Flyup—Why, my husband was talking in his sleep last night and I heard him say he was going to buy some new ribbons for his typewriter. .jee fcere,” said Col. Winders, angrily, “your reporter promised to print all I said at the banquet last night.” “Well?” replied the editor. “Well, he printed only a few lines, although my speech was quite a long efTort.” “Yes, but you didn't say much.” GREAT IMPROVEMENT. “You say you are making a garden simply for amusement?” “Yes,” answered the patient man. “But there isn’t any amusement in spading and stooping for hours.” "Yes there is. It amuses my wife and children immensely. ’ Eben’s Philosophy. "When you thinks about marryin’ a man to reform 'im, Miss Lady,” re marked Uncle Eben, “remember dls: It’s rao’n he’d ebber do foh you.” Judge—Prisoner, you are charged with having brutally assaulted this man. The Accused—l admit it, your honor, but there were extenuating cir cumstances. Judge—Of what nature? The Accused —This man asked me if a hen and a half laid an egg and a half, how Judge—That’ll do. Case dismissed. NATURALLY EXCITED That Was All. Amusement. JUSTIFIED. Their Oversight. ** A L*(nfr ,f ¥ dq v f A tVI (i intAvAotji^ **A king,” I say to the interested listeners, “is merely an accident of birth, and so is a hod carrier.” “Doubless,” puts in the quibbling person, “you are correct, but did it ever occur to you that the parents of the hod carrier never possess an ac cident policy?” Ere I can frame an answer of suf ficient intenseness he has flitted away. Willie’s Query. Willie—That’s the place where they make rope, ain’t it, pa? Pa—Yes, that’s the ropewalk. Willie—Oh, is that what you call it? Then the men that work there are rope-walkers, ain’t they? Pa—l suppose so. Willie—And when they get drunk are they tight-rope walkers? An Appropriate Movement. “Marne Tolliver is a lucky girl. She’s going to marry the only son of that millionaire banker who retired from business last year." "She must be ready to dance with Joy.” "Not exactly. But she’s Just about ready to do a cakewalk up the aisle.” The Careless Thing. Doctor Adjutant-Bird—So you have taken the whole bottle, eh? Well, it’s very strange that you don’t feel bet ter. The Ostrich —Do you know, doctor, it has just occurred to me that I for got to remove the cork?—Puck. Some Prizefighters. Hewitt —Shakespeare says “All tbe world’s a stage and all the men and women merely players.” Jewett—That was all right in Shakespeare’s time, but that was be fore pugilists began going on tbe stage. A Way Out. “George,” the sweet girl pleaded, “you simply must dye your hair.” “Ridiculous!’ exclaimed Mr. Tow head. her fiance. “No it isn’t. A fortune teller told me to-day I’d marry a dark-haired man.” Had Shown Good Sense. Hewitt —That rich old fool wouldn’t let me marry his daughter. Jewett —Well, he may be rich and old, but he’s no fool. Idaho Springs Always Shows You a Good Time. She Will Break the Record This Year. Celebrate IN IDAHO SPRINGS i i Thursday, Friday and Saturday JULY 3,4 and 5 1902 $3OOO In Prizes OPEN TO EVERYBODY FIREMEN’S TOURNAMENT Wet Test, Straight-a-Way Hook and Ladder FIREMEN’S BALL On the Night of the Fourth Base Ball Every Day, Free! Tug of War, Jack Races, Foot, Relay and Hurdle Races. No Lack of Sport. "Something Doing” Every Minute. $3OOO in PRIZES DO ™lZ^l¥ K ROCK DRILLING Both by Hand and Machines. First Drill Con test of Its Kind in Colorado. Every Make of Electric and Air Drill. Single and Double Hand Drilling. Big Prizes! Open to All. ORE SHOVELING CONTESTS BICYCLE FACES AND SWIMMING CONTESTS $lOOO FIREWORKS DISPLAY ! Dancing Every Day and Evening. Continuous Band Concerts. Cheap Rates From Everywhere,.