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Idaho Springs siftings. (Idaho Springs, Colo.) 1900-1905, December 13, 1902, Image 8

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Persistent link: https://chroniclingamerica.loc.gov/lccn/sn90051005/1902-12-13/ed-1/seq-8/

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JEST and JOLLITY
#
f The Gentler Sex.
5 Miss De Style—Were you to that
9 bargain sale yesterday?
f Miss Gunbusta —I was, but I had
an awful job bucking the center.
Miss De Style—l went around the
end, but was stopped by a big stout
lady.
Miss Gunbusta —The line weakened,
though, and I broke through very
easily.
Miss De Style—After hard pushing,
I rushed to goal. It was a great
touchdown, wasn’t it, from 19 to 14
cents a yard?
Miss Gunbusta —Yes; ta, ta.
Miss De Style—Rah, rah.
Easily Satisfied.
Primus —Although you are a mil
lionaire my love is so great, sir, that
it emboldens a poor man like myself
to seek a daughter of yours in mar
riage.
Secundus —Which of the rirls is it,
young man?
Primus —Any one of the three, sir.
Detective —When did you first miss your watch?
Victim —In Casey’s saloon. When I felt for my watch I found only a
fried oyster in my pocket.
Cure for Overwork.
Physician—Overwork is the cause
of your trouble, sir.
Patient —But I can’t stop these
times. Our business requires con
stant attention, and I must have an
income, you know.
Physician—True. Make over your
interests in the firm to a stouter man
and then get a job on a salary.
Intellectual.
“Just fahncy, Weginald; I’ve forgot
ten ma cahrd case.
“Nevah mind, deah boy; I’ll lend you
some of mine.”
“But—ah —the name would be differ
ent, you know.”
“Bah Jove, so it would! What a
head you have, Algy!”
Not a Safe Sort.
She —No, I like you very much, in
deed, but I can never marry a spend
thrift.
He —How do you know I am a
spendthrift?
She —By the way you have been
wasting money on me.” —New York
Weekly.
Wouldn’t Go Too Far.
Wife —“Bob, dear, what would you
do if I should die?”
Husband —“Don’t say such things.
Why, I should be quite desperate.”
Wife—“ But you would marry again?”
Husband —“Oh, dear, no! I don’t
think 1 should be as desperate as all
that.”
Lawyer Dunn —Your Honor, I respectfully ask you to rcir.c,\e that last
furor. He is deaf in one car.
Judge Knox—What difference does that make?
Lawyer Dunn —He can’t hear both sides.
Conductor (after the railroad collision) —Are you much hurt?
Passenger (very foxy)—l can’t tell until I see my lawyer.
LEFT A CARD BEHIND.
First Chorus Girl —l did a good thing to-day.
Second Chorus Girl —What’s his name?
OF COURSE.
A WISE PASSENGER.
Won by a Faint Heart.
“I can never marry you,” said the
beautiful blonde.
“But,” pleaded the wealthy old
man, “won’t you make my life happy
for the few short years I will be here?
I am troubled with a weak ant'
faint heart.”
“In that case I accept you.”
And yet they say /aint heart never
won fair lady.
Not a Complaint.
Upgardson—l hear there is some
complaint that the continual damp
ness is rendering many pianos use
less.
Atom—l have heard of its ruining a
great many pianos, but I haven’t
heard any complaints about it.
Thanks to Her, No Doubt.
“She says she believes in evolu
tion.”
“On what grounds?”
“Well, she married a dude, and he
has turned into a real sensible hus
band.” —Philadelphia Evening Bulle
tin.
BEHIND THE SCENES.
An Exciting Game.
“Dat were a very excitin’ jackpot
I won las’ night on a bluff,” said Mr.
Erastus Plnkly as he tilted his cigar
and dropped his hat over his eye.
“Did you raise de opener?” asked
Mr. James Colliflower.
“No, suh; I opened a razor.”
Prevented a Lot of Wrangling.
“How did you come to select Olive
as a name for your baby?”
“Well, you see my wife’s father
objected to our marriage, and when
the little one came he forgave us, so
we thought it no more than right to
let her have proper credit.
Laying In the Winter Coal.
Lady—lt is a wonder you are not
disgusted with the cheap beds in the
lodging houses.
Tramp—l am, mum; dat is why I
slept on a very costly bed last night.
Lady—Costly?
Tramp—Yes, mum; I slept on a ton
of hard coal.
A New Suit in Prospect.
“All my best gowns were destroyed
: in that railway wreck.”
“And didn't the compar.* give you
: any redress?”
Must Remain Legally Blind.
A German dancing master, who the
other day apeared before tho tribunal
of Hamburg, Germany, for a trivial
offence, was described in the charge
sheet as blind. He protested against
this asseAion, and politely requested
the judge to correct the mistake, ag
there was nothing wrong with his eye
sight. He was, however, informed
that no alteration could be made. In
consequence the man will remain
legally blind as long as he lives.
What Might Have Been.
Colonial Secretary Chamberlain’s of
fer on the part of the government of
Great Britain to favorably consider the
representation of the colonies in one or
the other of the two houses of the im
perial parliament approaches a revolu
tion of the colonial system. Had Eng
land made such a proposition to the
original American states, what a
change would have been effected in
the colonial history of America.
Has Attraction for Dogs.
A bulldog attacked Julius Hager,
near his home in West New York, N.
J., and the savage brute sank its
teeth in his arm. Hager grabbed
the dog by the tail and dashed out
its brains against a telephone pole.
This w’as the fourth dog that had
attacked him within a month, and all
of them he served in the same way.
How He Might Be Identified.
An amusing story is being told In
Paris of an Auvergnat coal merchant
of that city, who was found intoxicated
in the streets. Asked who he was, he
said he didn’t know, “but go and ask
the coal merchant in the Rue des
Ecoles. If he is at home, I don’t know
who I am, if he’s out, it’s me.”
Getting Rid of the Cause.
Doctor (finding patient sampling a
bottle of whisky)—Here, here, my
man, that will never do. That’s the
cause of all the trouble. Facetious
Patient —Well, then, fill your glass,
doctor. Now we’ve found the cause,
the sooner we get rid of it the better
-Glasgow Evening Times.
No Use as Fuel.
“As to the suggestion that the coun
try’s stock of unsold novels be used
for fuel in this emergency,” observed
Mr. Naggus, literary editor of the
Daily Bread, “all I have to say is that
the idea is riaiculous. They will not
burn. Most of them are too rotten.”—
Chicago Tribune.
The Future of Coal.
Apropos of Lord Kelvin’s assertion
that in 400 years the coal of the
world will be used up M. Cartleux,
chief engineer of the Northern Rail
way of France, says that in ten years,
between petroleum and alcohol, coal
mining will not pay.
Long Felt Wants.
The profession of medicine and law
are already overcrowded and young
man are advised not to prepare for
them. In at least two professions, how
ever, there is a crying demand for
trained men. They are forestry and
soil physics.
Trouble in Australia.
The rectent wholesale distribution of
poison for the extermination of rab
bits in Australia has been attended by
an unexpected misfortune. Birds are
being killed ofT, and the country is
threatened with a pest of insects as
the result.
Good Advice.
When you don’t know what you're
talking about, keep still. By wearing
a wise look, trimmed with a lurking
smile, you may be able to blufT along
without anybody finding out how lit
tle you do know. —Exchange.
Strange Case.
A woman has sued for divorce be
cause husband ’’gives too much at
tention to the church.” This will puz
zle a lot of other women, who have
heretofore thought they knew some
thing about man.
Transit of Venus.
A transit of Venus occurs only four
times in 283 years. It is most im
portant to astronomers, because it
gives them an opportunity of meas
uring the distance of the earth from
the sun.
German Postal Stages.
The multiplication of railways has
not diminished the number of postal
stages in Germany. On the contrary,
the number of stage drivers rose from
5,176 in 1896 to 5,314 in 1900.
The Popular Profession.
The reason why giving advice is so
much more popular than taking it, is
that it does not require one to be so
nany different kinds of people—Wash
tngton Times.
Wealthy Men Win Prize.
Twenty-five thousand pounds, the
first prize in a Prussian state lottery,
has been won by four members of a
wealthy banking firm at Halle.
How Advertising Grows.
N. W. Ayer & Son, the “Keeping
Everlastingly at It” advertising
agents of Philadelphia, have found it
necessary to move into new and
larger quarters at 300-308 Chestnut
Street in that city.
This announcement will Interest
many publishers, because Ayer & Son
are so widely known as promoters of
newspaper publicity. They began
business thirty-three years ago, with
two people and an annual business of
$15,000. They now have one hundred
and ni lety employes, and have for
years done the largest advertising
business in the world. The difference
between then and now is, they say,
simply the result of making news
paper and magazine advertising pay
their customers.
Rubber Tires Better Than Iron
In his experiments with various ve
hicles, M. Michelin has found that iron
tires require greater motive power
than either solid rubber or pneumatic.
An electric automobile running at five
per cent, greater speed with pneu
matic tires took eighteen per cent, less
power than when fitted with solid rub
ber tires; and in stopping, the solid
tires required an increase of fourteen
per cent in braking power.
Hundreds of dealers say the extra
quantity and superior quality of Defi
ance Starch is fast taking place of all
other brands. Others say they cannot
sell any other starch.
Green—Say. do you know how it feels
to be kicked by a mule? Brown—No. I
don't—and what's more. I don’t want
you to show me.
NOT A FISH STORY.
Baxter's Bullhead ciaar as as good a So
smoke as you can And.
“And so this street was named after his
grandfather?” "Yes. The tree on which
the old man was hanged stood right over
there until a few years ago.”
Deafness Cannot Be Cared
by local applications, an they cannot reach the
flisea-ed portion of the ear. There is only one
way to cure deafness, and that is by consti
tutional remedies. Deafness is caused by sn
Inflamed condition of the mucus lining of the
Eustachian Tube. When this tube is inflamed
you have a rumbling sound or Imperfect hear
ing, and when It is entirely closed deafness is
the result, and unless tho inflammation can be
taken out and this tube restored to its normal
condition, hearing will be destroyed forever;
nine cases out of ten are caused by catarrh,
which is nothing but an inflamed condition of
the mucus surfaces.
We will give One Hundred Dollars for any case
of Deafness (caused by catarrh) that cannot
be cured by Hall's Catarrh Cure. Send for
Oirculars, free. _ „
F. J. CHENEY & CO., Toledo, a
Sold by Druggists. 75c.
Hall's Family Pills are the best.
“Of course, clothes don't make the
man.” "Certainly not.” “At the same
time. If you have a new suit yon’d bet
ter nut It on when you go out to ask for
credit.”
? Many women and doctors do
not recognize the real symptoms
of derangement of the female
organs until too late.
•* I had terrible pains along my
spinal cord for two years and suffered
dreadfully. I was given different
medicines, wore plasters; none of
these things helped me. Reading of
the cures that Lydia E. Pinkham's
Vegetable Compound has brought
about, I somehow felt- that it was
what I needed and bought a bottle to
take. How glad I am that I did so;
two bottles brought me immense re
lief, and after using three bottles more
I felt new life and blood surging
through my veins. It seemed as
though there had been a regular house
cleaning through my system, th.-it all
the sickness and poison had been taken
out and new life given me instead. I
have advised dozens of my friends to use
Lydia E. Pinkham’s Vegetable
Compound. Good health is indis
pensable to complete happiness, and
Lydia E. Pinkham’s Vegetable
Compound has secured this to me.”
Mrs. Laura L. Bremfr, Crown
Point, Indiana, Secretary Ladies Relief
Corps. M5OOO forfeit If original of above letter
proving genuineness cannot be produced.
Every sick woman who does not
understand her ailment should
write Mrs. Plnkhara, Lynn,
Mass. Her advice is free and
always helpful.
ni n
JANUARY BUYING
There is no time like January for
natisfactory buying. Tho holiday
rush is over and the early Spring
trade has not yet begun. In January you al
ways get first pick of all tho earliest Spring
goods and there is ample time to rill and
■ hip your orders with creator promptne.6.
Send 15 cents TODAY for our large General
Catalogue No. 71. It gives pictures, descrip
tions and prices on almost everything you
eat, wear or use. Save >4 to >* on everything
you purchase by sending your orders to ■
MONTGOMERY WARD & CO. |
CHICAGO
■ “ The House that Tells the Truth.” B

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