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RUMPUS IN THE PLAT.
The room was cold. Which roused her And straightway Her eyes fleshed Are. The Janitor she Summoned then; A man was he. Of five foot tea. She lashed him well. Upon the spot; A tongue lashing Was what he got. The landlord next Was plainly told That she was hot. For she was cold. The landlord tried To square up things, But got a round Of nasty flings. This only would The dame declare: " Tts steam I want. Not your hot air." The Janitor fired up And told Her that the furnace Fire was coaled. The quarrel endless Might have ruled. But heat came up. And then she cooled. *Bdgar A. Ouest, in Detroit Free Press. The Promise. “Ton told me that if I would lend you my Influence you would have a place all picked out for me." "So I have," answered Senator Sorg hum. "I have the very place for you. The only difficulty Is that the man holding It at present la one of these obstinate long-lived people who don’t seem to care for the good of their country."—Washington Star. Thinking Hard. Toast—This paper says four hours' hard thinking exhausts the ordinary person as much as ten hours of man ual labor. Crlmsonbeak—Well I guess that’s about right I had to sit for four hours and hear my daughter practice on the piano, the other day, and I can tell you I did some pretty hard thinking. —Yonkers Statesman. Greatness Appreciated. "Katy, -who’s in the high school," re marked Mr. Dolan, "have been rendin' Herbert Bpencer to me." "Who’s Herbert Spencer?" "He’s wan lv the smartest min an earth. He could explain anythin’ at all ty yes if yes could only be polite enough to stay awake an’ pay attin tion."—Washington Star. OF COURSE SHE DID. "Mrs. Bmythe, the young widow, says she is going to break her hus band’s will.” "I thought she did that soon after they were married.” Safeguarded. "Do you expect to get on well with your foreign son-in-law?" "Surely," answered Mr. Cumrox. "Neither of us can pronounce the other’s name well enough to get on quarreling terms of intimacy.”—Wash ington Star. Well Acquainted. Mrs. Oadd —Your husband appears to be very busy to-day, Mrs. Gabb. Mrs. Gabb—Does he? Well, If he Is very busy at anything, you may Just be sure It’s at something of no earthly use to anybody but himself. —N. Y. Weekly. Unnecessarily Angry. "I hear you remarked at the club last night that I was a thief and a liar?” "What of It? There waa nobody around but a few of your personal friends.” The Point of View. “Well, old man, after all, there’s no place like home.” “I know it, durn it! But what *m I going to do?—I can’t think of any place else to go!"—Cleveland Leader. Revised Holy Writ. It Is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than It Is for to get a rich man a house of correction. —Detroit bVee Press. Positive Proof. Patron—How can you tell whether a couple are married or not? Hotelkeeper—lf he orders two whole portions, they are not; If he orders one portion for two, they are.—Judge. Papa Must Have Tried Both. Bobble —Papa says "honesty Is the best policy," doesn’t he, mamma? Mamma —Yes, dear. Bobble —Well, how does hs know? A Philanthropist. Robbins—That man has made a great many people happy. Mack—Who is he? Robbins—A divorce lawyer A LONG-FELT WANT. Able Editor—Want a position, ehT Do you understand the tariff question? Applicant—Um—to tell the truth, I don’t know anything about the tariff. “Are you familiar with International law?" "No, I can’t say that I am.” “Have you followed up the various African and Polar explorations, the various theories regarding a probable war between the United States and Japan, and have you all the localities at your flnger-ends, so that you could write column after column on any of these subjects without exhausting yourself?" "I—l never took any Interest in such things." "Are you thoroughly familiar with English, French, German and Russian politics?" “Don’t know anything about Euro pean squabbles, and don’t want to." "Young man, take that desk there, I shouldn’t wonder if you could make a paper that sensible people would like to read."—N. Y. Weekly. HIS ONLY ASSET. Weary Lancelot—At the age of 15 I was left an orphan, guv’nor! Crusty Old Gent—Well, and what did you do with it?—Chips. Personal. My hands are such peculiar things I'm really glad I own ’em; They feed my face, they comb my hair. But what Is sad, they're fastened where I cannot even loan 'em. My ears are great, large loppy things That stick out sideways from my head. And when It’s cold they get quite frls. I like ’em. though the trouble Is They Interfere when I’m In bed. —Judge. Grotesque. He conceived a grotesque whim tor driving his car more slowly than It could go. Friends warned him, but he persisted. At the end of a month he began to show signs of a nervous breakdown. In six months he was taken to a madhouse. “Poor fellow!" sighed everybody, in speaking of him. Yet it was his own fatuousness which had been his undoing.—Puck. Boy's Idea of Baby. "Pop!" "Yes, my son." . "Did the stork bring that new baby of ours?" "Yes, my boy." "Guess he was mighty glad to get rid of it, It cries so much! —Yonkers Statesman. Possibilities of Profit. "You couldn’t interest that capital ist In your flying machine?" "No,” answered the Inventor. "I con vinced him that it was practical, but he couldn’t see it because there were no provisions made for strap-hanging passengers."—Washington Star. Needless Reminder. "You must not think that the mere possession of great wealth makes you a man of consequence.” "You needn't have said that,” an swered Mr Cumrox. “Mother and the girls let me understand it every time we give a party."—Washington Star. Defective Eyesight. ’1 fell In love at first sight," said the New York girl. “I don’t suppose any of you Boston girls ever do that?" replied the girl from the Hub. "Most of us Boston girls wear glasses, you know!"—Yonkers States man. Already Informed. "Are you one of those mean-spirited men who ask their wives what they do with the money they receive?” "Certainly not," answered Mr. Meek ton. “I don’t have to ask my wife. She plays bridge whist."—Washington Star. Didn't Look It. Mrs. Brindle—Now, Mary, I want you to be careful. This Is. some very old table linen—been in the family for over 200 years, and— Mary —Ah, sure, ma’am, you needn't worry. I won’t tell a soul, and it looks as good as new, anyway. Famillarity Breeds Contempt. Grandpa—Don’t get scared, Willy; the tiger is about to be fed; that’s what makes him jump and roar so. Willy (easily)—Oh! I ain’t afraid of him, grandpa; papa’s the same way when his meals ain’t ready. Appreciative. Landlord—l am sorry, my man, but I shall have to raise your rent on May 1. Patrick —Shure, an’ I’m much obliged. I was wonderin’ how I could raise It meself by thet toime. —Judge. Losses Caused by Thoughtlessness. It Is one of the greatest trials of the employer of men that his employes so rarely think of what they are doing. Ask the claim agent of a great rail road Sow much money mere un tboughtednese costs his company In a single year and his answer will sur prise you. For the railroads of the United States these unthinking work ers cost their employers tens of mil lions of dollars every year as the ex pense bill for unthoughtedness.—Chi cago Tribune. Coward Sharks. The cowardice of sharks Is well known among men who have been much to sea In Southern waters. The fiercest shark will get out of the way of a swimmer If the latter sets up a noisy splashing. Among the South Sea Islands the natives never go bath ing alone, but always in parties of half a dozen or so, in order that they may make a great hubbub in the water.—Home Notes. Made It a Full Day. Here Is one man who does not limit himself to eight hours of work a day. A farmer In the Bedsworth district, Warwickshire, England, created a local record in connection with the hay harvest by working In one Held for 21 hours in a single day. He began cutting at 1:30 a. m. and ceased at ten o’clock at night, when the grass was turned. French Optimism. We are not so blind as not to see that manners are becoming more gen tle, that the number of honest peo ple increases, that morality is spread ing more and more into the social masses. If thirteenth-century people could witness our mid-Lent they would doubtless reproach us with be coming much too virtuous.—From Le Slecle, Paris. Praise-God Barebones. Praise-God Barebones was a fanat ical tanner of London. He became a member of parliament in 1563 and headed a procession of the people in protesting against the restoration of Charles 11. to the throne. He was a Baptist minister after 1630 and was quite popular as a preacher. Surely the Limit. A friend was once talking with a crazy woman, when a stingy man passed by. "Do you see that man," said she, with cunning smile. "You could blow his soul through a hum ming-bird’s quill, into a mosquito’s eye, and the mosquito wouldn’t wink." —Sunday Magazine. We Keep on Being Selfish. The source of nearly all the evil and unhappiness of this world is selfish ness. We know it, but we still keep on being selfish. We see that the world might be made Ideally, beautiful If only all the people would live un selfish lives; and yet we keep on be ing selfish.—Minot J. Savago. The Crowd and Success. To-day there are no public entertain ments save those which are intended for the world at large. Whether the entertainment provided takes the form of the drama, music or sport, the crowd Is Invited, and its presence is indispensable for both financial and moral success. —Hlbbert Journal. Good Ones. Dr. Henry Van Dyke of Princeton, who handles a trout rod almost as deftly as he handles a pen, was prais ing a book of new flies. “They are wonderful files," he said. "Why, If I venture to leave any of them lying around loose the spiders come and carry them off." Why He Never Spoke. There was a man in our town, and he was wondrous wise; he never spoke unto his wife of his mother’s cakes and pies. The secret of his wis dom—guess it if you can; but if you can’t behold it he was a bachelor man. —Chicago News. Feminine Hand in Literature. The literature of all European coun tries reveals the feminine hand. Male writers are devoting themselves more and more to sport and Industry. All modern books are effeminate in char acter.—Maenz, Vienna. Use of Flowers. There’s no phosphorescence in flow ers to speak of, but they may lighten up many a darkened spot in life.— Manchester Union. Sunday-School Contributions. The average missionary contribu tion for each pupil in the Sunday schools is higher in the Episcopal de nomination than any other. Seldom. People seldom forget the names or faces of those whom it may pay to know. Mother of Hard Work. Necessity is the mother of hard work with most of us.—Atlanta Georgian. Expensive Luxuries. Castles in the air cost a vast deal to keep up.—Lytton. Misplaced Kindnesses. m nwifl Miimnw,,,,. Kindnesses misplaced are nothing but a curse and disservice.—Ennius. Or the Lubricating Oil. Love makes the world go round, but money buys the axle grease. Slang Terms for Money. ”Bpondullx’' Is Interesting. The word was first applied to shell money used on the west coast of Africa, and It got Its name from the town whence It came Spondula. "Sprats" Is Eng lish. "Vwag” seems to originate in the Norwegian svaga, to sway; from It came to mean to weigh heavily; therefore, a pack or baggage, then the booty of highway robbery. The Expert. If we ever come across the heaven sent being whom the "expert" seems to some minds to Incarnate, we shall fall down and worship among the first. But officials, as we know them, are much like other people, and on the whole do their work very msch better when liable to criticism and subject to supervision and dismissal. —London Nation. Straight Path Always Best. Nations as well as men have gone down to the dust in disgrace when they fell away from the rectitude of morality and the code of truth. Sub terfuge and dishonesty have paved the way to extinction and oblivion, while integrity and manhood have upraised the standard of commonwealths and placed it on the sun crowned heights of victory. Wonderful Swiss Machine. An automatic machine capable of threading 1,000 needles per minute is a mechanical marvel of a large Swiss factory. The operation Includes pick ing up the needle, propelling it to the suitable position, tying a knot, cutr ting the thread and returning the needle to its assigned resting place. Try the Experiment. A Boston writer says that Goethe wrote the initials of his name, and, folding it over, was surprised to get a butterfly. It makes a very pretty oc cupation for an idle 15 minutes to see what you will get, and some of the designs are pretty enough to be used as embroidery patterns. Riches and Arrogance. Nothing is more hateful to a poor man than the purse-proud arrogance of the rich —but let the poor man be come rich, and he runs at once into the vice against which he so feeling ly declaimed. There are strange con tradictions in human character.—Rich ard Cumberland. Too Much Talk. One of the dangers of the age is that of speaking too much. Judging from the frequency with which a few people give the world the benefit of their views on every possible subject, it might be thought that they were qualifying for the post of lecturer to the human race. —Child’s Guardian. To Live One’s Own Life. To live one’s own life is a matter of such poignant and absorbing inter est that it Insensibly creates an indi vidual atmosphere which obscures the larger known phenomena of nature. — Mary Stewart Cutting, in “The Way farers." The Open Window. The best part of a modern house is its windows. To keep these open day and night and to make the air inside approach as nearly as possible the air outside should be the first busi ness of the housekeeper.—Good Health. Manual Training. Manual training is no small part of public education and should be given precedence over mauy of the latter day frills and furbelows introduced in the free schools.—Memphis Com mercial-Appeal. Learn for Yourself. It is a most beautiful and salutary order of things that you should first bear the burden you place on others and learn from yourself how men should be ruled. —St. Bernard of Chain vaux. Best Part of It. A New York woman fired at a burg lar who was entering her window. Of course, she missed him. but the best part of it is that she did not kill aq Innocent passer by. Learn This To-Day. The courtesy with which I receive a stranger, and the civility I show him, form the background on which he paints my portrait.—John Paul Rich ter. Europe and Heaven. One difference between Europe and heaven is that people who make their money in America can’t go to heaven to spend It Lamp Chimneys. Hang a hairpin on top of lamp glass and It will never crack. Put salt in kerosene and the light will be brighter. Cause for Optimism. We have often observed that the optimists hold down pretty good Jobn Perhaps that’s why they are. Criticism’s Loud Noise. Talleyrand: An ugly criticism makes more noise than a good book. Oxygen Will Not Rust Pure Iron. Pure iron in the presence of pure oxygen does not rust. Talent and Genius. Talent creates a work; genius keeps it from dying.—Emerson. THE MEEKER STABLES H. S. HARP, Proprietor ' All kinds of Livery Turnouts, Saddle Horae* and evorything connected with a first-class livery establishment. Good Feed and Good Care Given all Horses Stabling at the Meeker. Low Rates to Commercial Travelers on "Round the Circle" Trips. RIGS FOR THE RANGELY OIL FIELDS Pure Bred Registered Shorthorn and Hereford Bulls for Sale ALSO GOOD GRADE BOSSES SOUGHT BULLS AND SOLD * \ THE j Rifle, Meeker, Craig j ] STAGE AND EXPRESS LINE g Connections at Meeker for Rangely, the new oil and asphaltum \ t fields, and all points in Rio Blanco and Routt counties. $ ! j General Passenger, Express and Freight Business ; b Livery Stable at Rifle For Information and Rates, address I&ES Sc SON, Proprietors MEEKER, COLORADO. H. A. WILsDHACK 1 Notary Public and Conveyancer II AttmS to Fn-Shnptlon and Dwnt Land fUlaca, taka aad ■» H kaowledf. annual or float proof, on Daaart cl alma aa vail aa 9n- II amptlosa, tnatltuta oontaata, ala. Waaaaaary blaaka on baaS. H MBBKBR. COLO. II i as —THE Meeker Herald JAMES LYTTLE, Editor and Publisher THe Pioneer Newspaper in Rio Blanco County mmmam Best Advertising Medium in Northwestern Colorado Up-to-Date Equipment Fine Job Plant ADDRESS : The Herald, Meeker, Colo. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa—aaaaaasaasag