Newspaper Page Text
ADVICE TO LOVELORN
By VINCENT G. PERRY. (Copyright, 191 S, by the lfcClurs Newsp* p*r Syndicate.) “Dear Joan: —The young man I am euguged to insists upon using rose perfume on his hair, and I I Just detest the odor of rose per fume on anybody’s hair. I am afraid It Is going to cause us to break off our engagement I love him dearly, too. What would you advise? Broken Hearted.” Bob Clarke read the letter over and shoved a piece of copy paper Into hi* typewriter. In less than half a min ute he had written a paragraph of advice to “Broken Hearted” and pinned It to her letter, ready for the printers. There was a heap of letters before him and he dealt with the ones on top. They were all along the same line. When Bob had answered more than he thought the editor would let go through, he sat back In his chair and looked at the pile of unanswered ones that would have to go Into the waste paper busket It seemed as If every person In love In the city wrote to “Joan" for rfdvlce. If they had known that Joan was a man —and a very young one, too—perhaps there would not have been so many letters. Lovers’ quarrels had always seemed a joke to Bob, until he had had one of bis own. It was no joke. He paced up and down to think It over and then sat down again. He had the room to himself, so he was able to think It out undisturbed. He wished there was some one to tell him how to go about It to fix things up. Then the idea came to him. Why not follow some of his own advice? he thought. He had his col umn on file for a year back and he went through the paper to locate a case like his own. He did find one that was very much like his. The girl In the rase had been just as stubborn as Cleo and had banged down a re ceiver Just as Cleo had done. Re ceivers seemed to be a popular weapon In lovers' quarrels. He read his answer and noted each Instruction. “Be bold; don’t let her see that you are down-hearted; go to her home and demand admittance; show her that you mean business, and she will be sure to forgive you," he had said. That answer didn't seem to fit his case at all. But If “Pining Away" had been successful, he didn't see why he couldn’t be, by carrying out the same plan. It wouldn't hurt to try, at any rate. Cleo couldn't do any| thing worse than dose the door In his face. . Cleo didn't slam the door In Bob's face, but after ahe had snubbed his every effort to talk to her, for fifteen minutes, he wished she had. "Why won't you be Cleo?" he pleaded at last "Reasonable 1" she exclaimed. "Have I not been reasonable? It Is you who are not reasonable. If yon really had loved me you would be." j “But I have apologised, dear, and taken all the blame,” he said. "Wont I you be your old self again? Why did you allow me to come here If yon weren’t going to speak to me?" "I don't want you to take the blame and I didn't want you to come here. If you really thought you were to blame you wouldn’t acknowledge It— men never do. There was an entirely new mrgu ment for Bob. He had always been I of the Impression that women were odd, but now he was convinced of It. "Any one will tell you I am to, blame,” he said. Then he was struck with a sudden thought. "Why don't you write to the 'Advice to the Love lorn' column In the paper? The an swer will convince us who is to blame, 'Joan* knows all about such things." “But Joan must be a friend of yours; do you know who she Is?" Cleo asked suddenly. "Jonn Is my worst enemy," he an swered. “My knowing who Joan Is won’t make any difference In the re ply. I will guarantee that." "You will have to help me compose the letter," Cleo said, as she secured the stationery. Bob did most of the dictating and Cleo did most of the writing, chang ing his views of it here and there. "Read It over," Bob said,'when it was completed. Cleo read It aloud. "Dcc.iu’t It sound foolish?" she asked, us he finished. "It Is as silly as the ones that appear In the paper. Bob, we’ll muke Idiots of ourselves If we send this In. We really didn't have anything to quarrel over." "I don’t think we had, either," he agreed. “Let’s settle It without send ing this letter In. Tear it up.” I Cleo needed no second bidding. The ' letter was reduced to fragments. I "I am so glad we didn't decide to send It,” she sighed, wearily. "News paper people must have lots of fun out of letters like this one." "We do,” he answered seriously, "but do you know, I'm never going to 1 laugh at another of those letters. I*ll 1 answer any one of them and I'll spend ■ more thought on them." "You’ll answer them I What have you got to do with them?” she de manded. Bob had to confess. "To think that you deceived me no," Cleo began, but the smile on Bobk face silenced her. "We'll be quarreling again In a minute," she laughed, “and we’ve decided quarrels are foolish, haven't we?" "You bet we have,” he answered. I "Let's kiss and make up for good." I Allegation Is Denied. The familiar charge that artists who Illustrate stories pay no attention to the text they Illustrate Is grossly un true. declares the Kansas City Star.. We know a young author who wrote a story In which a man with long whis kers got wound up In an electric fan. The Illustrator might have ignored the fan altogether, but he didn’t. The only detail he omitted was the whiskers, and the picture of the man with a smooth face tangled up In the fan was declared a masterpiece by the artist’s family. Hands and Fingers. Nearly everything of money value in this world gets Its worth from the human touch, according to Industrial Management magazine. The Midas hand of humanity turns whatever it fingers into Its representative weight In gold. Diamonds gain their high value not only from rarity but because tons of the earth’s soil have to be hnndled to find one little stone. Gold Itself gets Its worth not merely from scarcity but from the Immense work In accumulating one ounce. Mocha Sheepskins. The world's supply of Mocha sheep skin Is obtained by about a dozen buy ers, who have their native collectors in caravans collect the skins at various centers, of which Mocha, Berbers, Zey lath, and Hodeldah are the main points, from which they are sent*to Aden, a British coaling station, which, on account of Its excellent location. Is the shipping point for skins sent to London, the continent of Europe, and the United States. A Broken Lot. Little Gwennle felt It her duty to entertain a man who had been called In to do some carpenter work, and be gan by asking If he had a papa and mamma. He said yes. Then she asked If he had any brothers ,or any sisters. He replied by saying he had three half brothers and three half-sisters. After looking at him for a moment Intently she said: “Are you the only whole one there was?” Efficiency of Ether. Ether Is the tenuous, highly elastic fluid that Is assumed to fill all space, and by vibrations or waves transmits light and heat. Although the exist ence of ether Is assumed to explain certain phenomena. Its actual exist ence Is very generally credited by sci entific men, and In reality proofs are not wanting to fairly establish such existence. Real Friendship. Honest men and women esteem and vklue nothing so much In this world as a real friend. Buch a one is as It were another self, to whoip we Impart our most secret thoughts, who partake of our joy, and comforts us In our afflic tion; add to this that his company Is an everlasting pleasure to us.—Tranf latlon from the Brahmin. Taking Care of Pennies. Ben Franklin hnd a wise old head when he advised his readers to take care of the pennies because the dollars would take care of themselves. The boy In whose pockets the pennies hum holes will understand the difficulty of taking care of the pennies, and. Ilka as not, declare that It cannot be done. Esparto Shoes Wear Long. "It Is not uncommon In some parts of Bpaln or Portugal to hear the na tives boast of wearing a pair of Es parto shoes for 23 years or more,” says a writer In Popular Bdence Monthly. "The soles will survive an aggregate exceeding 6,000 miles of walking with out wearing away appreciably." An Extravagant Woman. “My Auntie Frettle was In certain ways the most extravagant woman 1 ever knew,” stated the old codger. "For example, she got the measles at sixty-seven, when by taking time by the forelock she could just as well have had them at nine."—Judge. History of the Bracelet. There Is nothing very new-fashioned about the bracelet. According to ar cheologists it was first Invented as a badge of Insanity. In time It was used In Eastern climes as a capital means of Investing money. Folding Stairs. Recently a stairway has been pat ented for reaching seldom used por tions of buildings. It folds Into a celling and Is hidden by a panel when not In use. Hardening Wood. Wood acquires a remarkable hard ness and toughness when It Is placed In tanks and covered with quicklime, which Is gradually slaked with water. Honey and the Sting. "An opportunity,” said Uncle Eben. 'is like a bee. One man kin foller It up an' find honey where another will only jes’ gtt stung.” The Reading Habit. If you like to read, and have many books, be careful lest you read too *much and think too little.—Exchange. Many Can Answer Her. Will you tell me what way I can get rid of my character.—Lady Gregory. The Scrap Book LESSON WAS RATHER SEVERE Girl Pe J d For Morrcr.t of Absent-Mlnd odnsss With Publie Humiliation That Stung. She was a demure little thing that sat opposite me In the street car a few days ago, says John, and she looked still more mlnufe whet* a big burly woman with a black shawl over tier head came In and sat down be side her. The girl had a dreamy look in her eyes and appeared an- conscious of those around her, but when her sentmate took out the eve ning paper and unfolded It, some news to It apparently arrested the girl's at tention. Unahnshed she read for a moment, still evidently unaware of the fact that she was committing that un pardonable offense, reading over an other's shoulder. But the woman turned to her, handed her the paper, and In a voice loud enough to be heard across the aisle, asked: “Wouldn't you like to read the paper? I can’t see without my glasses.” The girl was brought back to her senses with a start, and much cha grined she took the paper nnd read It for n few minutes. Then she pass ed back with a murmured "Thank you." had been great before but It Increased visibly when she saw the woman reach In her handbag, take out her glasses, and calmly begin to read the pnper. Pneumonia Threatens Fishes. If the fishes In the New York aqua rium—home of all the queer flnoy tribe and the city’s most expert pick pockets—are taken down with pneu monia, bronchitis or the sniffles, the city authorities will be to blame. They have been warned that the fishes are likely to catch galloping consump tion because of the damp basement and cellar under their living room, where they receive callers. Charles H. Townsend, director of the aquarium and an intimate friend of the fish, has written an article in all New York newspapers warning of the danger. He says the condition of the basement has pat the lives of the angel fishes, rain bow trout, electric eels and all their Mends and relations In jeopardy all winter. Ye gods and little fishes! he walls—the city does not seem to care. Summer Hotels as Hospitals? America’s summer hotels are to bo converted Into army hospitals for re turned wounded from France. The proposed erection of special big sani tariums has been suspended as a defi nite program In order to save steel Cor ships. The surgeon general’s of fice, at the request of the United States shipping board, will lease large hotels already equipped with heating apparatus rather than make Inroads on the short supply of boiler plate by constructing new buildings. It Is said that this co-operation by the surgeon general's office alone will Increase by thousands of tons the available boilers for war cargo car riers. , Easily Put Off. 1 Patience —Father has engaged that young Charlie Huggins as s collector. Patrice—Well, he'll not make much of a success at It* "Why not?” "He's tried to marry a dozen girls and has never succeeded In getting one to accept him.” "What’s that got to do with ItT” I "Why. any man who Is as easily put off as that will never maks a success as a collector." Mlnlaturs Marvels. Almost any commonplace object magnified under s good tens will reveal astonishing and unsuspected forms, structure and life. For exnmple: Insects of various kinds may be seea ! Id the cavities of a grain of sand. Mold la a forest of beautiful trees, with branches, leaves and fruit. Butterflies are fully fenthered. Ilalrs are tubes filled with pith and ornamented on the outside with scales. Th, tin of It j "The applause an acrobat gets Is a paradoxical sort." "How so?” "Because he always gets a hand oa his feat." His Plaes. I "You can’t see my master, the law yer, air. He’s lying down In the library." "I must see him. I want him to be lying up In the court." Clever Work. I Mrs. Ftatbush —You say your bus 1 band Is clever In the kitchen? | Mrs. Rensonhurst —Is he? Say. yon ought to Just see him dodge s rolling pin I No Uee fer Them. I "1 never take my politics to bed with me." Tlwt explains why yon seem ta have no use for political sheets.” Couldn't Mias Thtm. "Did you observe all the meatless I and wheatless days?” "Observe them I They have been | forced on my attention." WRITTEN BEFORE THE WAR Impressive Fact In Nature Is Stillness and Quiet on Earth, Says Observa tory Director E. L. Larkin. One of the most Impressive facts In : nature is the stillness and quiet hero on earth, writes Edgar Lucien Larkin. 1 director of Mount Lowe observatory.; Ancient roarings, thunderings of pent- j up potential of electricity, the terrific energy of heat, the exploding surfaces of millions of suns so many times larger and energetic than our sun. | Itself 1.310,000 times larger than the earth, had to be hushed down Into a . stillness, quietude and silence to make ' ready for that amazing event, the ere- j atlon of life on worlds, revolving' around genial suns, giving out life-sus- j mining light and tempered heat. | None can Imagine this perfect bal ance of titanic forces, for, with slight Increase or decrease of the sun’s radi ant energy, all life on earth would van ish. How accurate the adjustment of mighty powers, that living things, | where Imminent death always lurks, j could even appear and then survive. The mere Item of the careful adjust- ] ment of the heat energy output of the sun for reception and use of the, most delicate organisms on land and Id the sea. this even balance Is beyond Imagination, nnd one of the mnrvels of the careers of the earth and man. With the creatton of life on earth. Mind Supreme appears, so far as man Is able to see, rested and retired. There Is no trace of the action of the Original Mind now on earth. The 003 laws of nature, their force, is all that can he detected In action now. BUFFALO WAGES GAME FIGHT Wounded Animal Qlvss Battle Royal to Huntemen Whsn Hs Is Poked i In the Eye. An exciting story Is told of s party who went buffalo shooting In Zuzuland recently. During the course of the holiday a buffalo was shot early one morning. The party saw the animal drop, nnd ns It did not move, decided to deni with It later In the day. Re turning In the afternoon they saw the buffalo from a distance, apparently In the same position as they left It. One of the hunters went out to the buffalo, and on reaching It poked a stick In Its eye. This hod the effect of restoring animation In the animal, which was only badly wounded. and a warm thereupon ensued for the gentleman In question. The buffalo jumped up and tackled the hunter, who hang round the neck of the buffalo In the hope of tiring It out. When the other members of the party arrived the buffalo and his foe were whirling round at such a rate, , that It was Impossible to get a shot In 'VltMOt endangering the life of the lat ter. The buffalo tried to stamp the man to the ground with his forefeet, and at last lifted him with s terrible toss of Its horns Into s thorn-tree near by. This gave the other men the chance of a shot, and the buffalo’s career finally terminated. Press Gang at Church. The cursory examinations which many recruits allege they received In the earlier days of the war were far greater tests of endurance and stain- Inn than the recruit of 80 years ago was wont to receive. In those days. If a tnnn*could count all his llinbs and hnd sufficient teeth to enable him to crunch the hard army biscuits and salt beef, or bite off the end of a cartridge before putting It Into his old Brown Bess, he was certain of being accepted. In earlier times, however, there wns no pretense at medical examination at all.' When Queen Elisabeth resolved to assist In raising the siege of Calais In 1806. the lord mayor and aldermen of London received Instructions to raise s thousand men for this service, nnd on Easter Sunday they proceeded to several churches with their con stables, fastened the doors, and select ed from the congregation the number of men required. Without any medical examination they were equipped nnd sent to Dover. —Tlt-Rlta. Typical American Eloquence. Following Is the peroration of a speech delivered In an Intercollegiate oratorical contest In central Kentucky, 1806: "Standing upon the last decade of the grandest century ever measured by the flight of worlds, 'I dipt Into the future as far as human eye could sec; saw the vision of the world and the wonder that would be;’ saw the Amer ican continent formed; saw It the great sun of the solar system of na tions around which all revolved, giving life and liberty to each nnd prosperity nnd happiness to all; saw Its ports filled with the argosies of commerce; Its brow blooming with the wreath of science; the breath of heaven blessing Its flag; yet. In the vigor and buoy ancy of youth, scorning pessimism and decay, marching ever onward to the accomplishment of Its grand and glo rious destiny.”—Exchange. Bpcsklng of Metallic Rings. "I might have known that you would have refused me,” said the poor but otherwise honest young man, who hnd failed to mnke an Impression on the mniden’s heart. "I noticed s metallic ring In your voice when I entered the parlor tonight, that bode me no good.” "And had you been s little more ob servant," she replied, “you would also have observed s metallic ring on my third finger, which Charlie Gotrox placed there last night.” Thirty seconds later his feet were i following each other along the bome : ward trail. THE LITTLE FLAG. Thr little flag os our ho::*# Is floating all th# day . Bostde the gre«t bis Stare and Ptrlftes; You can almost hear it say To mil the tolke tn our street. As the breesee make it danre; "Look up and see my one »*!ue »tse- We've sot a boy In Framel" The little ftas on our house. It floats sometimes at night, And you can see It 'way up there When the street lamp shines )«S* tight. And sometimes, 'long toward morning. When the cop comes by. perchance It signals with its one blue star; "We’ve sot e boy In France!" The little flag on our house Will wave, and wave, and wave Until our boy comes home agals. Or flnds In France his greve. Nay—though Its blue star turn to gold Because of War'g grim chance. It still shall wave to say: VThenk Omd! We've got a boy In France."* -Will Beely, In l.talte'S. WANTED THAT LITTLE FROCK Daddy's Kilt, Scan by Small Girl for First Time, Looked Derided'? Good to Hor. A Scotsman In Canada had com pleted his preliminary training with the “kilties.” nnd his wife Journey ed down to his depot to say fare well, taking with her their six-year old girl, related Lord Curzon at a recent Loudon banquet. When they ai* rived, ss It hap pened. the hus band wns on try duty, and so they could not approach him for a lit tle, while. until it was his turn to bo relieved. The child eyed her "daddy” with a rather'sorrowful but amazed expression as he paced up and down the barrack square, shouldering bis rifle and wearing a kilt. She had never seen him thus array ed, and for a few minutes the spec tacle seemed quite beyond her, but for no longer could she keep sllenco. "Mamma," she said In a voice that betrayed a trace of childish covetous ness, "If daddy finds the man that stole 'ees trousers will he gimme dut Ifckle frock?" Want to Asylum to Koop Warm. M. R. Pearlman, a hatter employed In Peeksklll, N. Y., astonished attend ants of an Insane asylum last winter by committing himself there because, as be explained, be “needn’t worry any more about coal to keep warm.” , Pearlman turned up at the Middle town state hospital with commitment papers he procured from the Orange: county authorities. He bad com plained that he Buffered from Insomula | and melancholia, and worried over [ getting adequate coal. Doctors Miller and Burke thought he needed medical treatment, so they gave him the proper papers and he took them to the asylum himself. When attendants asked him why he came he replied: "Well, to solve the fuel problem for one thing. I needn’t worry any more about coal to keep warm.” —New York Bun. / Dog Always Soldier's Friend. The American army, according to an article In the Humane Review, Is the only one of Importance Id the European war which does not employ dogs. But American dogs have had their share In the war. If not under the American flag. It Is worth noting that the dog, la army service, Is true to his Immemo rial office as the friend of man. He, carries his faithfulness even on to the battlefield. Lsss Lunatics In Wartime. Evidently a great national struggle makes for mental steadiness. For the past two years there has been s de crease of over 3,000 In the number of Insane persons cared for In England and Wales. This fact Is thought-pro- , voking, because before the war the 1 yearly statistics showed a constantly I Increasing number of lunatics.—Popu- ' lar Bdence Monthly. A Skilled Camofleur. “I'm very fond of llmburger. My wife hntes It, but I manage to keep a little In the house surreptitiously.” "Gee whiz! How do you mqnsge the surreptitious part of It?" A Sign. “They say It was a banquet of ro yal magnificence the Spenders gave St their daughter’s party." "8o It was. All the bread served was made out of real flour." An Exception. "We haven’t any lords over here to rule with autocratic away over ths people." "Haven’t we? What about the apart ment-houae landlords?" Fully Appraised. "Fa said you had more money than brains.” "Hat That’* one on him, for I'm broke.” "Pa added that" Various Circumstances. "How many hours do you think t msn ought to sleep?" "It depends, somewhat.” replied Mine Cayenne, "on whether ht'a at homo or •t a lecture." ' Back With an Argument. "Look at the money you could asvo If you didn't smoke.” "Look at the revenue 1 make for the government by smoking. Ta do ing my bit" A Sock of Living Mnttsr. As Bright bo expected, it Is among the Inhabitants of the water that wo find the simplest types of life. Ono of the polyps, the hydra. Illustrates bow simple these structures aometlmss are. This little creature is nothing more than a sack of living matter, the Inside coating attending to the work of digestion and the outside membrane doing the breathing. Yet the functions of the two membranes are ss sUghtiy specialized that the polyp may bo turned inside out and th* former stom ach begins respiring, and the former breathing apparatus digests food. Asia Minor Puxxle. "Asia Minor” Is a geographical term ef vague extension. It pussies anyone to say exactly where It leaves off. The fw dates only from the fifth century, A. D., when Oroslus used It evidently as a novelty. The Roman empire knew no Asia Minor. Indeed, the Roman province of “Asia” was actually small* or than this Lesser Asia. The, alter* native name Anatolis (land of the sun* rise or east), which has found favor with the Turks, la equally Indetermi nate * Whits Africans. That race In Northern Africa known as the Berbers is white, and if they dressed like our own people and had the habits ox Americana or Europeans they could easily pass for such. The Berbers are believed to be descend ants of the white inhabitants of an cient Europe. They are Mohammed ans. Blue eyes, fair hair, and rosy cheeks are quite common among thtm, and many of the women are striking ly handsome. Dream Makes Author. A well-known dream In which the facts are vouched for Is that of R. L. Stevenson. This popular writer could dream when he liked, and could com plete an unfinished dream of the pre vious night. According to Mr. James Psyn, himself a famous author, Ste venson had a nightmare of a dual per sonality, and on that basis wrote the novel of “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde."— Tit-Bits. *! ■. ■rain Peefl. The more brain* a man ha* the more be la In need of brain food, though not necessarily the kind ho would take tn through hie month. That Is, the beet kind of food for tho brain is the kind we pat Into tho brain Instead of the stomach. Then Isn't much nee to take food for tho brain we haven't got, anyway.—Ex change. Highly Valued Pen. One of the moat valuable peas la the world, end one that has been much coveted by carlo hunters. It one owned In New York. It wee made from a carved box In which George Washing ton, when a young man, kept the lenses of his surveying Instruments, the wood of which formed the ltd of tho deck of tho captain of tho historic Mayflower. Enjoyed tho Frosting. Dick wee t guest at Diana's third birthday party. At tint he was quiet and morose. Then, at the eight of ice cream and cake, he suddenly became cheerful. Burying hi. face In a bags piece of marshmallow cake, ao that only hlo eye. could be distinguished, he shouted: -Say, kids, this la tho froatlngeat cake I ever ata." I Sparrows Numerous. ! The house sparrow, or tho "aviso ' rat," aa be has been termed, le respon sible for one of the biggest leaks suf fered by this country. Numbering one flfth of the total bird population. It requires an enormous smount of good seeds, fruits, buds and young vege tables to feed the sparrow Mbs. I Dseay of Tin. Ths most remarkable exempts of i ollotropic disintegration of metals , is perhaps that of tin. Investigation has shown that the disease can only occur In a temperature not exceeding , 64.5 decrees Fahrenheit Tin decay Is, I therefore, most prevalent in cold cli mates. Eucalyptus Outgrows Cedar. A cedar tree requires more then a century to grow large enough to yield e 80-foot telephone pole. The eucalyp tus will attain a larger growth In 80 years, end its wood Is quite as desir able. Crossed tho Euphrates. Ths word Hebrew first occurs as given to Abraham by the Cauaanltee (Generis 14:18) because he had cross ed the Euphrates, the name signifying “beyond, on tho other rids." Cruel Constable. Country Constable (to motorist >— You have evidently been drinking to excess. There Is hardly enough left In this bottle to soften my heart suffi ciently to release you It—Ufa. Kempiri Works Translated. The works of Thomas Kempis warn written in Latin, but they have been translated Into the language of tlmori every civilised people. Injured by Prosperity. The mind is more Injured by proa parity thin by adversity.