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How He Progressed.
"He used to kiss me on the lips." She sighed, "and then somehow He moved on up bty )00R goods at any price are not cheap and it is merit even at a little price. We've built a 1 Lawn Furniture. We have about 175 pieces of furniture, in the shape of chairs, settees and rockers, suitable for porch ana lawn One third off the regular price to close them out. All col- ors come early if you want a bargain. Kitchen Cupboard,$5.25 Made of elm, finished in golden, has glass doors, ad justable shelves, and place below for linen. Worth $9.50 Dining Tables $1.75 And Up. Oak Dresser, $9.95 Made of oak and finished in golden, has 3 good sized drawers a good, size 14x24 PVench Ovul Bevel Plate Mirror. Worth $12.50 Book Cases, $4.50 Will buy a neat book case, made of birch, polished finish in mahogany, adjust able shelves with brass rods, one of the best Grand Rap ids makes worth $12.00. Trading Stamps Given with all Spot Cash Purchases iyv^/^wvwvw^MVwyvvwr*1 little trips Until he sr Unto a favored spot Close to the border of my brow. "He used to kiss me on the lips, Then on the cheek, then on the brow, To-day'he kisses his linger tips And blows or throws The kiss back as he goes! Ah, we've been married five years now!" ^a Uncle Jonah was the only sailor in our family, and that was one too many. Undeterred by his Christian name, he ran away from home in boy hood and began his notorious marine career as a stowaway in an Australian clipper. For twenty years or so Uncle Jonah held no communication with his be reaved family, who alluded to him as "a lost vessel," and regarded his probable decease with equanimity. One day, in the ordinary course of business, I was sent to Bow Street police court to write up a case of piracy on the high seas that promised to afford good copy. The intelligent reader will have guessed that the ac cused person proved to be my Uncle Jonah but I need hardly say that I was wholly unprepared to find a rela tive in the dock. My professional zeal enabled me to stifle any emotion that might have in terfered with the business in hand. To say that he bore himself with dignity (I took the liberty of saying this in my report) would be inaccur ate. Uncle Jonah never had any dig nity, being one of those familiar, vul gar persons in whose company even the dignity of others withers like a leaf in autumn. He recognized me, and winked. The evidence taken that morning was purely formal, and, pending the attendance of some important wit nesses, the prisoner was remanded in custody. I foresaw that the coming trial could be made to excite excep tional interest, cases of piracy being comparatively rare. The inspector of police, after pock eting a sovereign, confessed himself unwilling to resist the appeals of the prisoner's beloved nephew. I was per mitted to spend half an hour in the cell, on condition that I made no pro fessional use of the interview. The exigencies of journalism obliged me to pledge my word to the inspector, though I foresaw the impossibility of keeping the promise. And this is the story of baffled piracy as told by my Uncle Jonah. I E. NAYLO ^VS^W^/^^^^V^^AA^^^^N^S^/NAAB THE FURNITURE MAN BEMIDJI, MINNESOTA retaie it as neanyas possioie in ms own words, omitting his lurid mari time explicatives: "In these days of keen competi- tion," said Uncle Jonah, "it's no sort of good, my lad, trying to run a pirate craft on old-fashioned lines. Steam's played Old Harry with piracy, and spiled the slave trade. To start with, there's the cost of the plant.- Eighty years ago thej^ could build a wooden line of battleship for 100,000 quid,: now you can't buy a 400-ton steam yacht at the figure. Well, I needn't go into details, and there isn't time, but even a land lubber can see that only millionaires can run a pirate of their?$pfrn." "Then hov did you get the money to fit out your ship?" I asked. Uncle Jonah winked, and spat skil fully into the corner of the cell. "The Falcon was run by a syndicate of Ger- mans," he said, "and my instructions was to attack nothin' but British ships. If I knew the names of the shareholders I'd give 'em you, but they always paid my salary through an agent." 'What did you earn, uncle?" I asked. "Two hundred quid a month and 5 per cent commission," he replied. "The first mate was to get a hun- I was permitted to spend half an hour in the cell, dred," he added, "and the seamen and stokers six quid a week." "Then the wages bill must have been very heavy?" I suggested. "That's where you're wrong, James," said my uncle. "In the old fashioned way of business the Falcon would have wanted a crew of about fifty hands, and the company wouldn't have paid 10 per cent unless we' cantured a mail steamer or two every month. As I said just now, a modern pirate's got to be run on economical linos, so the stingy directors only al lowed me a dozen hands, including the cook, who was under contract to fight as well as stew." TERM S not economy to buy a tiling without eputation for selling goods that you are better pleased years after than when you lirst get them. This does not mean that our prices are high. It means simply that we buy in unusually large quantities, and can and do sell for actually less than some dealers pay. We do and always will give our customers benefit ol every cent we can save by big buying. Our .terms are carefully com putedbased upon a fair return for our money and upon the con venientability of the great bulk of the people to pay. "A dozen hands!" 1 echoed, Incred ulously. "The rest was dummies," growled Uncle Jonah, "mechanical dummies, my boy." "I can't see how you can construct a fighting dummy," I objected. "These didn't fight," said Uncle Jo nah. "They was only meant to fright en the passengers of the mails we stopped. Their inards was chock-a block with long steel springs, James, and the wigs and beards made 'em look as fierce as if they was fed on raw beef. "Some of 'em could do the cutlass exercise, others used to walk up and down the deck on rails, and one used to lean over the fore'sle rail and spit as natural. as life. The works was fitted to go for two hours after that you had to wind 'em up afresh. "We had thirty of them German dummies," continued Uncle Jonah, "and if you'd seen 'em half a cable away, you'd have taken your davy they was as 'uman as any other pirates. I believed in the beggars myself, James that's where I made my bloomin' error." I wrung his hand in silent sympa thy and resumed my notes. "The burst-up came about in this way," Uncle Jonah resumed-. "We'd taken one good prize in the Atlantic and sent all hands comfortably to the bottom, when the ilgant sent me a code message saying as how the cape "About three fathoms of spring came jerking out the spitten' dummy." mail, with di'monds a*id gold aboard, would be off Madeira on a certain date he mentioned. "Thesf mails carry a lot of people, you know, and one had to put 'em in a blue funk, else they'd have shown fight. "She was well up to time and we sighted her abcut six bells in the af ternoon watch, coming along at six teen knots through a sea as smooth as a duck nond. As luck would have It, tnere wasn so much as a safling ship within twenty miles, and I made almost sure of them di'monds and the gold. "Between you and me, James, I meant to retire from business if pulled it off, and I shouldn't have been over particular about settling up with the syndicate." This confession of dishonesty pained me, but I let it pass. To re prove a pirate for swindling his em ployers seemed on the whole incon sistent. "We slowed down," continued Uncle Jonah, impressively, "wound up all the dummies and stood by to give her a couple of rounds from our 4.7 gun. The chap who bossed that gun had been a navy man, and he could hit a funnel at 1,000 yards four times out of six. "When the Rhodes Castle closed within about five cables I. gave the word and ran up the black flag. The pavy. man let rip and the foremost funnel went over- like a candle in a hot room. The second shot carried away the chart house and part of the bridge, and then the captain stopped engines. "Now, you must bear in mind we only had twelve hands besides the German dummies, and the mail boat carried a big crew without reckoning the passengers. We could have sunk her in half an hour, but it was nc good doing that till I'd got the stuff out of her. "My plan was this: I left the mate and the navy man in charge of the Falcon and took the other nine along with me in the boat to overhaul the mail. We was armed, of course, but I trusted more to the dummies than our revolvers, and I told the mate not to close nearer to the mail than 500 yards. At that distance our dummies looked right enough, but they seemed a bit stiff in the joints at close quar ters. "Perhaps I was a bit flurried. Any way, I didn't notice anything wrong with the mate when I gave him the orders. When we got alongside the mail I hailed the captain and told him to send all hands forward except him self and the mates. Then we boardr ed the ship, and I had a few words with the captain. "I told him we'd come for the gold and the diamonds and the loose cash and the wimmen's jewelry, and if they gave any trouble I should sink the ship with all hands. I meant to sink her, anyway, but there wouldn't have been any sense in making them desperate. My instructions from the agent was to sink every prize we took and spare no lives. "The skipper cheered up consider able when I told him we hoped to get through the job without cutting a throat, and he handed over the keys of the safe like a lamb. Those two shots from the 4.7 had done our' busi ness, and to look at the Falcon you'd never have doubted she carried a strong crew of oul-and-out murdeVers. 'With that I followed the captain down to the strong room, taking four hands with me to carry up the gold. My idea was to hang on to the di'- monds myself until I could get 'em under lock and key in my own cabin. "So you sc3, James, I couldn't avoid going below to the strong room, and if that lurid as3 of a mate had obeyed orders, I might have been in South America by now, living like a lord mayor." At this point in his narrative my Uncle Jonah fell into a gloomy rev erie, from which I had to rouse him before he resumed it. "There was 100,000 quids worth of gold in that strong room, or I'm a liar," he continued, "and enough di'- monds to have half-filled a bread bag. It took us some little time to get the gold on deck and lower it into the boat, but I never tackled any job that seemed to tire me so little. "When I got on deck the third time, I saw in a shake that something was wrong. The crew and passengers of the mail was all craning their necks over the side, and staring at the Fal con. "I took a peep at her n-vself, and dd if the mate hadn't closed in that near that you could have heaved a bis cuit aboard her. The fool must have been drunk, I suppose, or h^'d have had the sense to know that he was risking all our necks and his own, too. "We might have pulled through af ter all, but just as I was shouting to the mate to go farther off, the spit ting dummy got out of gear. The inards of the dummies were full of long steel springs, and ,they had to be oiled twice a week. Oiled they were, too so it was no fault of mine that about three fathoms of spring came jerking out of the spittii.*: dummy's ugly mug, in full sight of everybody. "Now it stands to reason no hu man can spit up twenty feet of steel springs, and the people on the mail knew that as well as I did. The loose end of the spring whipped around the neck of the next dummy, and the bloomin' image kept on workin' as if it liked that sort of a collar. "The passengers began to laugh then the crew laughed, and when they'd done laughing, they just tum bled aft in a heap and made prisoners of us before we could shoot a dozen of them. That's what comes of trust ing your life to goods made in Ger- many," concluded Uncle Jonah. "If you want to do me a kindness James, fihd-eut who made that spitting dum my, and drop him down a sewer." My interview with Uncle Jonah, which duly appeared in the Daily Scum next day, procured me a very acceptable raise of salary and im proved my position on the p-.ner. A few weeks later i had the pr'vii^ge of witnessing and reporting the execu tion. Poor Uncle Jonah! H's savings went to the crown, but he really was of some service, to me.King. j1 HE DID AS HE PLEASeO. But It Happened That His Wife Was Away from Home. "I cannot understand," "said Whit tier, "why it is that so many fellows I know are in such awe of their wives. I don't feel that way." "Do you mean to say," said Bilter, "that you do exactly as you please, without being influenced by anything your wife says?" "That's exactly what I mean," re plied Whittler. "This idea of losing your individuality just because you happen to be married is all nonsense. I tell you that 1 lead an absolutely untrammeled existence. If feel like not going home after business I don't go. And if I want to ask my friends in for a little game at cards I don't hesitate to do so. I smoke all over the house, insist upon having my fav orite dishes, stay at home from church when' I want-to, -rearrange -the furair ture to suit myself, and, in fact, down to the smallest detail of my daily life, I do absolutely as I please, without let or hindrance. It's the only way to live." Bilter regarded his friend with a look of grave suspicion. "Well,, well," he said, somewhat sa tirically, "you are a wonder. How long have you been doing this sort of thing?" "I have been doing it," said Whit tle.r, calmly and complacently, "ever BUY A LOT IN THE NEW TOWNSITE OF MALLARD LOCATED ON MALLAR LAKE.CLEARWMER COUNTY F, O. SIBLEY PROPRIETOR SOLWAY MINN First Class Sample Room. MACS MINT Geo. McTaggart, Prop. Choice Wines, Liquors and Cigars. Beltrami Avenue. Bemidji, Minn. smc my wire wene 10 ner cousin's in the country on a visit." Usually the Case. "Daughter," said the mother who was long on Solomonic wisdom, "what ever you do, don't marry a man with dreamy eyes." "Why not, ma?" asked the beauti ful bud. "Because," replied the mater, "it's doughnuts to fudge he'll also possess a dreamy pocket book." Point of View. "Hope springs eternal in the human breast," remarked the person with a mania for quotations. "Yes,' rejoined the morbid party, "and I suppose that's why the pool of disappointment is always slopping over." His Appeal. "An* now, bruddern an' sistern," said the old colored parson, "de col lecshun will be tooked up. Ah jis wants ter say ter yo' all dat while de whitewash ob salvation am free, de pahty behin' de brush am got ter libe an' Ah is dat pahty." Movement of Earthquake Wave. An earthquake wave has been known to travel across the Pacifle ocean in twelve hours and sixteen minutesthat is, at the rate of six miles a minute. Old papers for sale at this office. 1 Choicest Brands.