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i His Momentary Lapse of Deference
Coat Him High Position. It does not pay to laugh at kings, st least in their presence. On several occasions where men have been given to levity before monarchs it has been amply proved that this is so, It was awkward for the confidential adviser of the czar of Russia, not long ago, that he was unable to control his im pulse to smile. On the occasion in question the czar was tired and in an unpleasant frame of mind. His foot slipped on a wolf-skin mat. There was something so funny about it that the confidential-adviser lost control of his features. That laugh at the wrong time cost him his high position and a salary of many thousands of dol lars a year. WASTE OF PUBLIC MONEY. Example of the Incompetence of Brit ish Officials. A somewhat curious waste of public money has just been brought to light by the report of the British Committee of Public Accounts. Recently the war department built a store for the am munition of the navy at Gibraltar, costing 42,000, to be charged to navy votes. The store was found too damp to keepoammunition in so It was converted into a cold meat storehouse for both army and navy. This was done at the expense of 47,000, in cluding the cost of freezing machin ery, etc., making a total expense of 89,000, of which the army pays only 23,000, although each department re ceives the same accommodation as the other. Stamping Out Use of Opium. When the Japanese took possession of Formosa they found there a popu lation more or less addicted to the use of opium. It was decided to abol ish the practice by degrees. Only those who have suffered from its ef fects to the extent that it occasions intense pain to deprive them of their pipe are now permitted, by a special warrant which they are obliged to procure, to continue the use thereof. To newly commence opium smoking is strictly forbidden, or even continue it unless it can be shown that absten tion is impossible. A government monopoly of the article was expressly established to facilitate the final ex tinction of the habit of using it. In the Wrong Place. A well known and popular physi cian, whose belief in the future ac cords with that of the late Col. Inger soll, had occasion recently to perform a surgical operation upon a man not select in his language. After etheriz ing his patient the operation was suc cessfully performed. When the effect of the ether had passed off, the sub ject, looking wildly around the room exclaimed: "v/here am I?" The doc tor replied, 'Oh! you are all right." "But," said the man, "I may be all right, but where am I?" The doctor answered jocularly, "In Heaven." The patient responded: "If that's so, I'd like to know what in you are doing here!" Recklessness of the Motorist. That the motorist can not help reckless driving was maintained by & French savant in a recent meeting of scientists in Paris. The furore steals on them. In setting out they Intend to go at a moderate pace, but as they warm to the work they must rush on faster and faster. The flying landscape through which they tear forward produces the kind of giddi ness which Arabs say takes hold of them in the fantasia. In this state motorists would run down those nearest and dearest to them as un hesitatingly as though they were so many animals. Is Richest Woman in World. Mrs. Mary Louise B. Owen of New York has become the richest woman in the world through a decision of the California courts awarding her the title to 40,000 acres of land in Mexico valued at $50,000,000. Her husband, Col. A. K. Owen, secured a grant of the land from the Mexican government in 1872. This grant has recently been affirmed by the Mexican courts, while a dispute between Mrs. Owen and rival claimants in this country has just been settled by the California supreme court in Mrs. Owen's favor. The Hungry, Lion. A little boy was being shown a pic ture depicting a Roman arena, in which there were a number of Chris tian martyrs. A pack of lions were in the act of springing upon their vic tims. "It isn't fair." said the little fellow, excitedly. "No, my son," agreed his mother "it isn't fair: all those big, hungry lions "But," in terrupted the young hopeful, "there's one poor lion that hasn't got any Christian." Will Be Credit to America. Eugene H. Lehman, the young Col orado college student, the first Amer ican to be awarded a Rhodes scholar ship at Oxford, worked his way through Yale, where he got employ ment as a tutor at $1 a day and wheeled an invalid in her chair for 25 cents an hour. His credentials showed a higher percentage than those submitted by twenty other stu dents. Morgan's Gold Dinner Service. Pierpont Morgan has a gold dinner service, said to he worth $SO,000, which was presented to him by Will lam H. Vanderbilt when he (Morgan) made an extensive sale of New York Central stock in Europe. It is a re jtroduction of a service in the British Ibyel family, but the Morgans are not tau6 of display and seldom use it. Subscribe for The Pioneer. THE SMALL BOY'S LONGING. Part of the Show That Was Woefully Disappointing. Little Willie's father took him to the show. It was a variety show, end ing with a sketch called "The African Belle," in which, after a missionary had been bound to a stake by a lot of dancing savages, he is rescued by the chief's daughter after the manner of Capt. John Smith. This last part of the show Willie's father thought would please the boy immensely but the son and heir fell into a state of gloom at its close. On the way home the fond parent inquired: "Willie, didn't you like'the part where all the savages come out?" "No," replied Willie with a sigh. "Me and the other boys play that. When you pay to go to a show I should think they might kill the missionary." PEAS FROM PHARAOHS' TOMB. Their Product Unlike Anything Known at Present. There are bargains and finds to be made in the plant world equal to any picked up in old curiosity shops. Some time ago a Glasgow gentleman re ceived from his son in Egypt an en velope full of peas, which were said to have been found in the tomb of one of the Pharaohs. He sent them to a friend, of his at Kames, in the Isle of Bute, who sowed them. They grew up into plants quite unlike anything known at present, strong and about six feet high, with a great white flow er having a red center. The pods were long and full of excellent peas. This new old variety found a ready sale at good prices. Muscular Christianity. Prof. Bryce, in his biographical study of Bishop Fraser, of Manches ter, tells of a clergyman of Fraser's diocese who had knocked a man down who had insulted him. The bishop wrote him a letter of reproof, point ing out that exposed as the Church of England was to much criticism on all hands, her ministers ought to be very careful of their demeanor. The of fender replied by saying: "I must re gretfully admit that, being grossly insulted.'and forgetting in the heat of the moment the critical position of the Church of England,^ did knock the man down, etc." Fraser was de lighted with the turning of the tables on himself, and afterward Invited the clergyman to visit him. Superfluous Boys. A British parliamentary paper shows that, as usual, nearly 20,000 more boys than girls were born in the British isles last year. Whence, then, the "superfluous woman?" The boys die, during the first weeks and months of life, at a far greater rate than the supposed "weaker vessels." In a few months they have sunk to an equality and soon woman takes the lead, numerically, and keeps it, nu merically. The reason is not uncon nected with the larger size of the baby boy's head, for which he either pays the penalty very early or reaps the rewardif woman will forgive the hintlater. Why He Disliked Spelling Reform. Senator F. Dumont Smith of Kins ley lectured on "Words" in Wichita, Kan., a few nights ago. He is for spelling reform, and in advocating it in his lecture said that he knew of only one argument in favor of the old way and that was given by an Eng lish bishop who declared that the present method of spelling helped the churches. According to the bishop: "By the time you can make a boy be lieve that 't-h-r-o-u-gh' spells 'through,' that 't-h-o-u-g-h' spells 'though' and 'to-u-g-h' spells 'tough' you can make him believe anything." Motor Cars in Switzerland. Should the experiments in progress in the neighborhood of Berne prove as successful as is anticipated travelers to Switzerland in the summer of this year will be able to cross the moun tains by motor car instead of the usual post diligence. The actual trials will be made in tne spring, and the result, if successful, will be not only to allow travelers to make the differ ent journeys in half the time, but to open the mountain roads, which are at present closed to them on account of the horses. Much Money in Tramp-s Clothes. A lot of young fellows in an Ohio town had a good time with a tramp last week. They took him into a shed, gave him a good bath, shaved him and cut his hair. They then bought a new suit of clothes, white shirt and stand-up collar and dressed him out complete. But when they attempted to burn his hobo clothes he objected and fought for them with such des peration their suspicions were aroused, and upon searching they found $1,400 sewed up in the coat. Girl an Excellent Athlete. Miss Agnes S. Wood, the champion basket ball player and all-around ath lete of Vassar college, has beaten the girls' record at running and almost equaled that of men, despite the fact that her gait was somewhat impeded by a rather cumbrous costume. She does not allow athletics to interfere with her studies and will graduate near the head of her class. Few Automobiles in Washington. Official Washington does not take kindly to the automobile and very few persons in the executive or dip lomatic service are seen in vehicles other than carriages. The president is too fond of horses ever to take up the craze. He has always shown a preference for surreys and seldom drives out of town in any other kind og vehiclft- rasi ROYALTY AT THE RECEPTION Wearisome Duties Imposed on Those \,in High Position. How royalty and their suites ever manage to survive those weary hours of standing is always a mystery to me, says "The Countess," in the London Outlook. "You get used to it in time," say the maids of honor, but ap parently not till they have been car ried out two or three times in a faint do the gentlemen-at-arms tightly but toned up in uniforms and smothered in helmets get used to the ordeal. It is within the memory of many how in Dublin a certain distinguished viceroy in the middle of a drawing room gave the order to c\ose the doors, and having cleared the room the entire viceregal party sat down on the floor in various stages of collapse, and I often wonder how it is that our own king and queen are not similarly overcome on these occasions. Royal ty is the best paid profession, but as suredly, it must be also the most wearing. THE JOKE OF A KING. Historic Hoax Perpetrated by Guata vus III. of Sweden. King Gustavus III. of Sweden had been frequently invited to the little court of Schwerin. In 1783 he paid a visit to Germany and as soon as the Duchess of Mecklenburg heard of his approach she prepared fetes in his honor. But Gustavus, who disdained the petty courts of the small rulers, sent two of his attendantsa page named Peyron, and Desvouges, a valet who had formerly been an actorto be entertained by the duchess. The two personated the king and his minister, Baron Sparre, and sustained the char acters throughout. They accepted as their due all the homage meant for their master, danced with the Mecklen burg ladiec who were presented to them, and Peyron went so far as to ask one of the ladies for her portrait. Meantime Gustavus was enjoying him self elsewhere in secret. Overlooked a Detail. A Long Island farmer came to Brooklyn with his wife to do some shopping the other day. On his way back the thought came to him that he had forgotten something. He took out his notebook and went over each item, checking it off, and saw that he had made all the purchases he intend ed. As he drove on he could not put aside the feeling that there was some thing missing. He again took out his notebook and rechecked every item, but still found no mistake. He did this several times, but could not rid himself of the idea that he must have forgotten something. When he reached home and drove up to the house his daughter came out to meet him, and, with a look of surprise, asked: "Why, papa, where is moth er?"Mail and Express. The Long-Suffering Editor. A Queensland contemporary re cently published the following: "Our foreman printer recently measured up the space occupied by obituary notices in the Herald during the last couple of months or so, and found it made three and three-quarters yards. This is so much dead loss to the pa per, and if a fatal epidemic struck the town ruin would stare us In .the face. We have, therefore, decided to future to charge for such notices. So, when people feel like dying, we hope they will give directions to their next of kin in respect of paying for the same." Painting the Dome of the Capitol. The dome of the capitol at Wash ington is being painted. Every five years its coat is renewed and 15,000 gallons of white lead are used in the process. The work is being done by eighteen men, under the direction of "Billy" Lewis and "Al" Ports. The latter has been employed for such work about the capitol for thirty-nine years. Ports is the only man who ever climbed to the top of the Statue of Liberty surmounting the dome. He did this on Labor day, 1894, and fas tened a garland of electric light bulbs around the neck of her majesty. Congo Road for Motor Cars. The Congo Free State government is enstructing a road in the northern part of the state for the transport of passengers and goods by means of motor cars. The new route, of which nearly 4*50 miles have been completed, will join the important trading centers of Dongu and Lado. While making the road a local engineer hit upon the happy idea of driving forty elephants up and down the projected highway until the thick undergrowth was trampled down, allowing the natives to complete the task. No Royal Road. St. Clair McKelway believes that the journalism of the future will be a profession and that men will be espe cially educated for it. They are and always have been. Did that important and valuable member of the profes sion never hear of "the hard school of journalism?" There is no other, and never will be, worth a pinch of snuff, in our humble estimation. The uni versity of experience is the one which gives the real degrees in journalism. Waa Always Running. The Duke of Argyll tells this story of Winston Churchill, which shows that the talent for talk developed young in the author and member of parliament. Some years ago he visit ed Harrow, and noticing a boy run ning around the cricket field all by himself asked what he was doing it for. "That's Lord Randolph Church fill's sen, and whenever he talks too much we make him run three times round the cricket field." THE OUTLOOK FOR AUTHORS Really Good Writers Need Not Fear Discrimination. The rush of the crowd to read a book which may have no literary merit or vitality, either of material or of presentation, simply hecause it is talked about, is never wholesome, and if the crowd has grown more critical and clear-minded in its judgments, and has ceased to move upon sudden impulses and learned to decide for itself, the loss will-fall, not on writers of real merit, but on a few whose re wards were generally beyond their deserts. The average of literary work in this country in many departments Is high. If great books are not pro duced in large numbers, good books are produced in very considerable numbers, and in soundness of knowl edge, in good taste and literary work manship, a great advance is evident over the work of an earlier generation. It Is a period of quiet progress, a time of preparation rather than a time of accomplishment. JOKE ON SWEET CHARITY. And the Colored Porter, He Thorough ly Enjoyed I The other day a colored porter from one of the hotels was sent, to buy some tin cups. After making the purchase he started back to the hotel and met one of the hostlery's best patronsa commercial travelerand the latter asked the negro to carry his sample case to a Washington street store. A few minutes later the negro, sam ple case, and tin cup3, were in front of the store. The traveling man was in the store. While waiting for him, the negro sat down on the sample case, and in less than a jiffy fell asleep. One of the tin cups was in his hand, and it fell forward, as does the cup held by a blind man. Perhaps you won't believe it. but that negro collected 43 cents while he slumbered. Passersby thought him a blind mendicant. And maybe that por ter didn't enjoy the joke! He did 'deed he did.Indianapolis News. What One Mian Said. At the City Federation meeting In the Waldorf there were many amusing incidents. Husbands of the broad minded women tarried in the ante room waiting for their spouses to go home. One of these patient escorts was Leroy Sunderland Smith. He gazed through the glass doors once, sighed and returned to his chair. Men would come, inquire for their wives, and then retreat to the cafe below. One man heard a few minutes of a certain paper. He said: "If these women's clubs did not struggle with the prob lem of how to raise other women's children they would have no excuse for being." He flung out the last words savagely and then disappeared to the place where highballs are con cocted.New York Press. An Enterprising Woman. Miss Jessie McCubben of Alamo, Oregon, is the owner of a valuable mining claim in the Granite district, which she "jumped" precisely as the year 1903 came in. Learning that the claim would be vacant the 1st day of January, she drove through a blind ing snowstorm on the night of Dec. 31, the mercury 14 degrees below zero, and, waiting the advent of the new year, staked Aer claim. Another pros pector had done likewise earlier in the evening, but Miss McCubben was legally in the right, and the court sus tained her. She is a Portland girl, 19 years old. Reminder of Old Times. A rich man who has joined the mul titude in New York since his quick fortune came to him was entertaining friends at dinner the other night. The service was magnificent and so was the dinner. The wife, gorgeously clad, reigned over the table. During a lull in conversation the rich man watched a servant who was dexterously remov ing crumbs from the table. Then he looked down the glittering table at his jeweled wife and remarked: "Sadie, remember when you used to shake the tablecloth out of the back door to the hens?" A Paper May Criticise. A trial jury in England gave the manager of a fifth-rate show a ver dict of $3,750 against a newspaper which published an adverse criticism. The Appeal Court reversed this, and held that the jury had no right to sub stitute its own "opinion of the merits of the play for the critic's opinion. The court said it was of the highest importance to the public that the crit ic should not be exposed to the risk of having a jury pass upon his taste, and held that the trial judge misdi rected the jury. The Artist'6 Revenge. A Chinese story tells how a very stingy man took a paltry sum of money to an artist, who always ex acted payment in advance, and asked him to paint his portrait. The artist at once complied with the request, but when the portrait was finished noth ing was visible save the back of the sitter's head. "What does this mean?" cried the sitter indignantly. "Well," replied the artist, "I thought a man who paid so little as you did wouldn't care to show his face." He Was Kept Busy. That was a curious little confession made to an interviewer the other day by Color-Sergeant Barry, for twenty seven years keeper of the stage door at the Lyceum. In reply to a remark about his knowledge of plays and play ers, Sergeant Barry romanced: "I have never seen a play in all my life. My place is at the stage door. I have never any time to see what is going on on the staae."London Tit-Bits. STATISTICS OF MIGHT HERONS They Are Sought, by the Smithsonian Institution. Eight hundred night herons are wan dering free aLout the Uuited States, each wearing on one leg an aluminum band inscribed "Smithsonian Institu tion" and a number. If any person shoots one of these birds he should write to Paul Bartsch, biologist of the Smithsonian, telling where it was and how large was the bird. The night heron is one of the most beautiful of the aquatic birds of America, but scientists know less about it than they are satisfied with. Last year Mr. Bartsch discovered several breeding places of these birds on the Potomac in the District of Columbia. Recently he visited the place with several as sistants in the night and the 800 aluminum bands were fastened to the legs of as many young herons. Science is anxious to know how long the night heron lives, where it spends the win ters and how much of the country it covers in its wanderings. It is be lieved that by the time a few of the numbered aluminum bands have been reported some of these facts will hav been established to the satisfaction of the ornithologists. Cleveland (O) Plain Dealer. THE RAINFALL IN ENGLAND. Cyclonic Disturbances Had Little Ma* terial Effect Fortunately for the south of Eng land the cyclonic disturbances, which this year have been more than usually numerous, have kept fairly regularly to their normal track, says the Lon don Chronicle. This course has tak en them across Ireland and Scotland, and as a result the rainfall account in these two countries is now much ahead of the average. Scotland north has had an excess of nearly ten inches the surplusage in the west and east being nine and five inches, respective ly. Ireland has beaten the average by between five and six inches. The south of England has had but a trifle more than its usual allowance the eastern counties, on the other hand, being nearly an Inch short. Advancement of Women. At a meeting of the English Wom en's Liberal association a letter was read in which the daughter of George Meredith, the novelist, said: **My father, George Meredith, wishes me to say that it heartens him to see women banded together in union. What na ture originally decreed men are but beginning to seethat they are fitted for most o* the avenues open to en ergy, and by their entering upon ac tive life they will no longer be open to the accusation men so frpquently bring against them of their being nar row and craven. Much more he could say, but he has short time at his com- mand." A Good Plaoe to Stop. He really ought not to have gone into the Latin class that day. He was called up first, and read as far as he had prepared. Then he skirmished on a little farther. This is the way it went: "I, Ulysses, saw her (Dido's) heavenly form advancing like a god dess in the sunlight. I sprang to ward her, and she welcomed me. Her hair fell down upon her shoulders like the sunbeams on Olympus. Her eyes shone like two jewels of the sea. II threw my armsmy armsabout about herher neckneckandand that's as far as I got, professor." Philadelphia Ledger. The Butcher and His Hat. "I always thought it paid to be po lite until I got into this business," re marked a prosperous retail butcher, "but I find that it costs me about $25 a year. My trade is with nice people, and when fashionable women come into the shop I have to tip my hat to them. A butcher's fingers are always mofe or less greasy from handling the meat, and in about a month a new hat Is no longer fit to wear. Grease is about the only thing that won't come out of a derby, and I will be the hat ter's best customer until the weather grows warm and I wil-1 be able to go bareheaded." Production of Nitrate of Soda. The annual report of the Nitrate Association of Chile, which controls the world's supply of nitrate of soda, shows the production in 1902 to have been 2,982,522.80 pounds from sev enty-eight works. The nitrate beds are near the surface and are worked as stone quarries. It is anticipated that the immense amount of nitrate the United States now gets from Chile for use in fertilizers will ulti mately be supplied by factories mak ing it by electrical process from the air, as is being done at Niagara Falls. Etiquette of the Feud. "There's just ene thing, sah," ob serbed Col. Gore of Kentucky, "in which we are away behind Turkey." "What's that?" CoL Bullet asked, quickly. "Well, sah, after a general killin' the porte always sends a polite note of apology to the survivors of the massacre. If we could only end our feuds in that way, sah "But we can't, sah," exclaimed Col. Bullet, excitedly, "for the simple reason, sah, that when one of our feuds ends'no body's left, sah, to apologize to!" The World's Rarest Bird. To find the rarest bird in existence you must go to the mountains between I Anam and Loas, where there is a cer tain kind of pheasant. For many years its existence was known only by the fact that its longest and most splendid plum* was in much request by mandarins lor their headgear. A single skin is wartti ?500, and the bird living would be priceless, for it soon die* in captlrity. CLEANLINESS AS A VICE- Young Matron Criticises Methods of Her Mother-in-Law. "Cleanliness is next to godliness, I know," said the young matron whosa mother-in-law lives with her, "but there is such a thing as carrying it too far, I think. Now, my husband's mother ia fearfully and wonderfully neat. In fact, at times I feel that to live in a pigpen would be a relief. From morning till night there is noth ing but clean, clean, clean. Bits of carpet are- laid in the places most likely to trip you up. These are in tended to keep the floor underneath) free from stain and then the carpets are taken up and the floor underneath scrubbed as carefully as if it had not been protected all the time. You can not imagine just how trying it is. But the other day she reached the limit. She came in, took off her shoes, care fully washed them and set them but to dry! Think of it! It's a wonder sha did not wash her hat." i STRENGTH OF MEN AND OXEN. Bulk for Bulk, the Former Are the Stronger. Few people know that a man, bulk for bulk, is stronger than an ox, but it appears that such is the case. The matter was tested not long since at a. fair in America, one of the attractions* of which was a congest of a yoke of" oxen against an equal weight of men. A drag was loaded with granite blocks*, weighing in the aggregate 4,95fc pounds. The yoke of oxen that mad* the trial weighed 3,220 pounds, and twenty men, allowing 160 pounds to' the man, were set against them. The men took hold of the drag first, and easily walked off with it, covering a distance of 95 feet in the space of two minutes. The oxen at their trial moved only eighty-five feet in the same length of time, and the men were accordingly declared winners.Pearson's Weekly*. Governor Saves Boy's Life. It is fortunate for one Georgia youthi that Gov. Garvin of Rhole Island is a. physician and surgeon of standing. The governor and a number of north ern friends were at AndersonvQle to attend the dedication of a monument in memory of Rhode Island soldiers who died In Andersonville prison. While the exercises were in progress a carriage team took fright, ran away and upset the vehicle. Edwin Calla way, one of the occupants, had his leg' broken, the jagged bone severing an artery. Gov. Garvin, on hearing of the boy's plight, hurried to his help,, tied the severed artery and cut the broken bone, just in time to save the sufferer from bleeding to death. Bank's Burglar Trap Didn't Work. In its account of the recent bank, burglary at Allen, the Emporia (Kan.)- Gazette explains that the trap set by the bank for robbers did not work. The trap in question is unique enough to be interesting. "Above the vault," says the Gazette, "was a thin ceiling and about a ton of sand above it. This was there in case cracksmen should attempt to blow open the safe, when the ceiling would burst at the explosion and the sand fill the vault, making it impossible to get at the safe. However, the ceiling did not burst and the sand remains undis turbed.Kansas City (Mo.) Journal. Chorus Girls of Wealth. Among the twenty girls who took, part in an amateur comic opera per formance in Philadelphia the other evening were fifteen whose fathers are millionaires. It is said that the girls in question represented some- $40,000,000. The affair was the big gest event among the Hebrews of Philadelphia for twenty years. A trainload of wealthy New Yorkers went over specially to take part in or witness the performance, which was given under the auspices of the Mer cantile club. Brave Sailor Soon Forgotten. Discouragingly tardy progress is be ing made with the proposed monument to Rear Admiral James E Jorrett. It was thought that the gallant conduct and wide popularity of the admiral would have called forth generous re sponse to the committee's appeal, but that expectation has not been realized. The headquarters of the association, are in Washington and Rear Admiral A. E. K. Benham is chairman of a committee having the matter in imme diate charge. The Ones That Suffered. An aged Scotch minister, who was very boastful, says ex-Speaker Joseph L. Barbour of the Connecticut legisla ture, once said to his good friend. "Think of it! I preached two hours and twenty minutes last Sunday!" "Didn't it weary you very much?" in quired the other solicitously. "Oh, no," said the minister. "But you should have seen the congregation!"New York Times. One Point of View. "I am very much afraid that you do not* appreciate the spirit of a free country," "Oh, yes I do." answered the man who had recently landed in New York, in a dialect which it is needless to reproduce. "What do you understand by a free country?" "It is a place where you are free to do as you choose if you manage to get on the police force." Had Had Opportunity. Two society buds at the Waldorf Astoria were commenting upon the marriage of Mrs. I^ewis Rutherfurd to William K. Vanderbilt "It's a fine match." safci one "the bride certainly, belongs to the Upper Ten." "She ought to," was the tart answer, "she's mar ried three of them!"New Yorto' Times.