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The Ely miner. [volume] (Ely, Minn.) 1895-1986, January 13, 1922, Image 2

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Copyright, by Peter B. Kyne
Synopsis. Captain Phineaa P.
Scraggs has grown up around the
docks of San Francisco, and from
mess boy on a river steamer, risen
to the ownership of the steamer
Maggie. Since each annual in
spection promised to be the last of
the old weatherbeaten vessel,
Scraggs naturally has so pie diffi
culty In securing a crew. When
the story opens, Adelbert P. Gib
ney, likable, but erratic, a man
whom nobody but Scraggs would
hire, is the skipper, Neils Halvor
sen, a solemn Swede, constitutes
the forecastle hands, and Bart Mc-
Guffey, a wastrel of the Gibney
type, reigns in the engine room.
With this motley crew and his an
cient vessel - . Captain Scraggs is
engaged in freighting garden
truck from Halfmoon bay to San
Francisco. The inevitable happens;
the Maggie goes ashore in a fog.
A passing vessel hailing the wreck,
Mr. Gibney gets word to a towing
company in San Francisco that the
ship ashore is the Yankee Prince,
with promise of a rich salvage.
Two tugs succeed in pulling the
Maggie into deep water, and she
slips her tow lines and gets away
in Jhe fog. Furious at the decep
tion practiced on them, Captains
Hicks and Flaherty, commanding
the two tugboats, ascertain the
identity of the “Yankee Prince"
and, fearing ridicule should the
facts become known along the wa
ter front, determine on personal
vengeance. Their hostile visit to
the Maggie results in Captain
Scraggs promising to get a new
boiler and make needed repairs to
the steamer. Scraggs refuses to
fulfill his promises and Gibney and
McGuffey "strike." With marvel
ous luck. Scraggs ships a fresh
crew. At the end of a few days
of wild conviviality Gibney and
McGuffey are stranded and seek
their old positions on the Maggie.
They are hostilely received, but re
main. On their way to San Fran
cisco they sight a derelict and Gib
ney and McGuffey swim to it. The
derelict proves to be the Chesa
peake, richly laden, its entire crew
stricken with scurvy. Scraggs at
tempts to tow her in, but the Mag
gie is unequal to the task and Gib
ney and McGuffey, alone, under
take to sail the ship to San Fran
CHAPTER Vl.—Continued.
The ship lay in the wind, shivering.
Mr. Gibney was here, there, every
where. One minute he was dashing
along the deck with a leading line, the
next he was laying out aloft. He or
dered himself to do a thing and then,
with the pent-up energy of a thousand
devils, he did it. The years of degra
dation as navigating officer of the Mag
gie fell away from him, as he sprang,
agile and half-naked, into the shrouds;
a great, hairy demigod or sea-goblin
he lay out along the yards and sprang
from place to place with the old exul
tant thrill of youth and joy in his
work. A word, a gesture, from Mr.
Gibney, and McGuffey would pounce
on a rope like a bull-dog. With the
fore-royal set. Mr. Gibney ran back to
the wheel and put it hard over. There
being no after sail set the bark swung
off readily on to her course, slipping
through the water at a nice eight-knot
speed. Ten miles off the coast, Mr.
Gibney hung her up in the wind again,
braced his yards with the aid of the
winch and McGuffey, came about and
headed north. At • three o’clock she
cleared the lightship and wore around
to come in over the bar, steering east
by south, half-south, for Point Bonita.
She drew the full advantage of the
wind now - and over the bar she came,
ramping full through the Gate with
her yards squared, on the last of the
flood tide.
As they passed Lime point, Mr. Gib
ney prepared to shorten sail and like
u clarion blast his voice rang through
the ship.
“Clew up them royals.” He lashed
the wheel and thej' brought the clew
lines again to the winch head. The
ship was falling off a little before
the fore-royal was clewed up, so Mr.
Gibney ran back to the wheel and put
her on her course again while McGuf
fey brought the main-royal clewlines
to the winch. Again Gibney made the
wheel fast and helped McGuffey clew
up the main-royal; again he set her
on her course while McGuffey, follow
ing instructions, made ready to clew
up the fore-to’-gallan’-s’l. They were
abreast Black Point before this latter
sail was clewed up. and then they
smothered the lower top-s’ls; the bark
was slipping lazily through the water
and McGuffey took the wheel.
“Starboard a little I Steady-y-y!
Keep her as she heads,” Gibney warned
and cast off the jib halyards. The
Jibs slid down the stays, hanging as
they fell. They were well up toward
Meiggs wharf now and it devolved up
on Mr. Gibney to bring his prize in on
the quarantine ground and let go his
port anchor. Fortunately, the anchor
was already cock-billed. Mr. Gibney
sprang to the fore-topsail halyards
and let them go and the fore-top-sail
came down by the run.
“Hard-a-starboard! Make her fast,
Bart, an’ come up here an’ help me
with the anchor. Let go the main-top
sail halyards as you come by an’ stand
by the compressor on the windlass.”
The Chesapeake swung slowly,
broadside to the first of the ebb am!
with the wind on her pdrt beam, Mr.
Gibney knocked o it the stopper with
his trusty hammer and away went
the rusty chain, singing through the
hawsepipe. “Snub her gently. Mac,
■nub her gently, an’ give her the thir
ty-fathom shackle to the water’s edge,"
he warned McGuffey.
The bark swung until her bows were
straightened to the ebb tide and with
• wild, triumphant yell Mr. Gibney
clasped the honest McGuffey to his
perspiring bosom. The deed was done!
It was dark, however, before they
had all the sails snugged up shipshape,
although in the meantime the quaran
tine launch hat. hove alongside, in-
WAtbruted, and removed those of the
crew who’still lived. Shortly there
after the coroner came and removed
the dead, after which Gibney and. Mc-
Guffey hosed down the deck, located
some hard tack and coffee, supped
and turned in in the officers’ quarters,
in the morning, Scab Johnny arrived
in a launch with their other clothes
(Mr. Gibney having thoughtfully sent
him ten dollars on account of their
old board bill, together with a request
for the clothes), and when the agents
of the Chesapeake sent a watchman
to relieve them they went ashore and
had breakfast. After breakfast, they
called at the office of the agents,
where tiiey were complimented on their
daring seamanship and received a
check for one thousand dollars each.
"Well,-now,” McGuffey declared, af
ter they had cashed their checks, “See
in’ as how - I’ve become independent
ly wealthy by following your lead,
Adelbert, all I got to say is that I’m
a-goin’ to stick to you like a limpet to
a rock. " What’ll we do with our
money ?”
For the first time in his checkered
career Mr. Gibney had a sane, sensi
ble, and serious thought. “Has it ever
occurred to you, Mac, how much nicer
it is to have a few dollars in the bank,
good clothes on your back, an’ a cred
it with your friends? Me, all my life
I been a come-easy, go-easy, come-
Sunday,-God’ll-send-Monday sort o’
feller, until in my forty-second year
I’m little better’n a beachcomber. So
now, when you ask me what I’m goin’
to do with my money, I’ll tell you.
I’m going to save it, after first payin’
up about seventy-five bucks I owe here
un’ there along the Front. I’m through
drinkin’ an’ raisin’ h —ll. Me for a
savings bank, Bart.”
When Captain Scraggs, after aban
doning all hope of salving the bark
Chesapeake, returned to the Maggie,
the little craft reminded him of noth
ing so much as the ward for the in
corrigible of tin insane asylum. Due
to Captain Scraggs’ stupidity and the
general inefficiency of the Maggie, the
new navigating officer was of the opin
ion that he had been swindled out of
his share of the salvage, while the new
engineer, furious at having been en
gaged to baby such a ruin as the Mag
gie’s boiler turned out to be, blamed
Scraggs’ parsimony for the loss of his
share of the salvage. Therefore, both
men aired with the utmost frankness
their opinion of their employer. One
word borrowed another until diplomat
ic relations were severed and, in the
language of the classic, they “mixed
it.” They were fairly well matched,
and, to the credit of Captain Scraggs
be it said, whenever he believed him
self to have a fighting chance Scraggs
would fight and fight well, under the
Tom-cat rules of fisticuffs.
. Following a bloody battle In the pilot
house, he subdued the mate; following
his victory he was still war mad, so
he went to the engine-room hatch and
abused the engineer. As a result of
the day’s events, both men quit when
the Maggie was tied up at Jackson
street wharf and once more Captain
Scraggs was helpless. In his extrem
ity, he wished he hadn’t been so hard
on Mr. Gibney and McGuffey, for he
realized he could never hope to get
them back until their salvage money
should be spent.
Godless and wholly Irreclaimable as
Mr. Gibney and Mr. McGuffey might
have been and doubtless were, each
possessed in bounteous measure the
sweetest of human attributes, to-wlt:
a soft, kind heart and a forgiving spir
it. Creatures of impulse both, they
found it absolutely impossible to nour
ish a grudge against Captain Scraggs,
when, upon returning to Scab Johnny’s
boarding house, their host handed
them a grubby note from their enemy.
It was short and sweet and sounded
quite sincere; Mr. Gibney read it
“On Board the Maggie, Saturday night.
“Dear Friends:
I am sorry. You hurt me awful with
your kidden when you took the Chesa
peake away from me. To er is human
but to forgive is devine. After whar
I done I don’t expect you two to come
back to work ever but for God’s sake
don’t give me the dead face when we
meat agin. Remember we been ship
mates once.
“P. P. Scraggs.”
“Why, the pore ol’ son of a horse
thief.” Mr. Gibney murmured, much
moved at this profound abasement.
“Of course we forgive him. It ain’t
manly to hold a grouch after the cul
prit has paid his fair price for his
sins. By an’ large, J got a hunch,
Bart, that old Scraggsy’s had his les
son for once.”
“If you can forgive him. I -can, Gib.”
“Well, he’s certainly cleaned him
self handsome, Bart. Telephone for
a messenger boy,” and Mr. Gibney
sat down and wrote:
“Scraggsy, old fanciful, we’re square.
Forget it and come to breakfast with
us at seven tomorrow at the Marigold
cafe. I’ll order deviled lam kidneys
for three. It’s alright with Bart also.
This note, delivered to Captain
Scraggs by the messenger boy, lifted
the gloom from the latter’s miserable
soul and sent him home with a light
heart to Mrs. Scraggs. At the Mari
gold cafe next morning he was almost
touched to observe that both Gibney
and McGuffey showed up arrayed in
dungarees, wherefore Scraggs knew his
late enemies purposed proceeding to
the Maggie immediately after breakfast
and working in the engine room -all
day Sunday. Such action, when he
knew gentlemen to be the pos
sessors of wealth far beyond the
dreams of avarice, bordered so close
ly on the miraculous that Scraggs made
a mental resolve to play fair in the
future —at least as fair as the limits
of his cross-grained nature would per
mit. He was so cheerful and happy
that McGuffey, taking advantage of
the situation, argued him into some
minor repairs to the engine.
About nine o’clock, as Mr. Gibney
was on his way to the Marigold Cafe
for bieakfast, he was mildly inter
ested, while passing the Embarcadero
warehouse, to note the presence of
fully a dozen seedy-looking gentlemen
of undoubted Hebraic antecedents,
congregated in a circle just outside the
warehouse door. There was an air
of suppressed excitement about this
group of Jews that aroused Mr. Gib
ney’s curiosity; so he decided to cross
over and investigate, being of the opin
ion that possibly one of their number
had fallen in a fit. He had once had
an epileptic shipmate and was pecu
liarly expert in the handling of such
Now, If the greater portion of Mr.
Gibney’s eventful career had not been
spent at sea, he would have known, by
the red flag that floated over the door,
that a public auction was about to
take place, and that the group of He
brew gentlemen constituted an organi
zation known as the Forty Thieves,
whose business it was to dominate the
bidding at all auctions, frighten off, or
buy off, or outbid all competitors, and
eventually gather unto themselves, at
their own figures, all goods offered for
In the center of the group Mr. Gib
ney noticed a tall, lanky Individual,
evidently the leader, who was issuing
instructions in a low voice to his
henchmen. This individual, though
Mr. Gibney did not know it, Was the
King of the Forty Thieves As Mr.
Gibney luffed into view the king eyed
him with suspicion. Observing this,
Mr. Gibney threw out his magnificent
chest, scowled at the king, arid stepped
Jjjto the warehouse for all the world
ns if he owned It.
An oldish man with glasses—the
auctioneer —was seated on a box mak
ing figures In a notebook. Him Mr.
Gftney addressed.
“What’s all this here?” be inquired,
jerking his thumb over his shoulder
at the group.
“It’s an old horse sale.” replied the
auctioneer, without looking up.
Mr. Gibney brightened. He glanced
around for the stock in trade, but ob
serving none concluded that the old
horses would be led in, one at a time,
through a small door In the rear of
“Hard-a-Starboard! Make Her Fast,
flie warehouse. Like most sailors, Mr.
Gibney had a passion for horseback
riding, and in a spirit of adventure he
resolved to acquaint himself with the
ins and outs of an old horse sale.
“How much might a man have to
give for one of the critters?” he asked.
“And are they worth a whoop after
you get them?”
“Twenty-five cents up,“-was the an
swer. “You go it Mind at an old horse
sale, as a rule. T’erliaps you get some
thing that’s worthless, and then again
you may get something that has heaps
of value, and perhaps you only pay
half a dollar for it. It all depends on
the bidding. I once sold an old horse
to a chap and he took it home and
opened It up, and what d’ye suppose
he found inside?”
“Bots,” replied Mr. Gibney, who
prided himself on being something of
a veterinarian, having spent a few
months of his youth around a Mvery
“A million dollars in Confederate
greenbacks,” replied the auctioneer.
"Of course they didn’t have any value,
but just suppose they’d been U. S.?’’
“That’s right,” agreed Mr. Gibney.
“I suppose the swab that owned the
horse starved it until the poor animal
figgered that all’s grass that’s green.
As the feller says, ‘Truth is sometimes
stranger than fiction.’ If you throw
In a saddle and bridle cheap. I might
be Induced to invest in one of your old
horses, shipmate.”
The auctioneer glanced quickly at
Mr. Gibney, but noticing that worthy’s
face free from guile, ne burst out
“My sea-faring friend,” he said
presently, “when we use the term ‘old
horse,’ we use it figuratively. See all
this freight stored here? Well, that’s
never been called for by the consign
ees, and after it’s In the warehouse
a year and isn’t called for, we have
an old horse sale and auction 1t off
to the highest bidder. Savey?’
Mr. Gibney took refuge in a lie. • - vf
•ourse, I do. I was just kiddin’ you.
my hearty.”* (Here Mr. Gibney’s
glance rested on two long heavy sugar
pine boxes, or shipping cases. Their
joints at all four corners were cun
ningly dove-tailed and wire-strapped )
“I was a bit interested in them two
boxes, an’ seeln’ as this is a free coun
try, I thought I’d just step in an’ make
a bid on them,” and with the words,
Mr. Gibney walked over and busied
himself In an inspection of the two
crates in question.
The fact of the matter was that so
embarrassed was Mr. Gibney at the
exposition of his ignorance that he
desired to hide the confusion evident
in his sun-tanned face. So he stooped
over the crates and pretended to be
exceedlngly interested in them, haul
ing and pushing them about and read
ing the address of the consignee who
had failed to call for his goods. The
crates were both consigned to the Gin
Seng company, 714 Dupont street, San
Francisco. There were several Chi
nese characters scrawled on the top of
each crate, together with the words,
in English: “Oriental Goods.”
As he ceased from his fake inspec
tion of the two boxes, the King of the
Forty Thieves approached and . sur
veyed the sailor with an even greater
amount of distrust and suspicion than
ever. Mr. Gibney w - as annoyed. He
disliked being stared at, so he said:
“Hello, Blumenthal, my bully boy.
What’s aggravatin’ you?”
Blumenthal (since Mr. Gibney, in
the sheer riot of his imagination
elected to christen him Blumenthal,
the name will probably suit him as
well as any other) came dose to Mr.
Gibney and drew him aside. In a
hoarse whisper he desired to know if
Mr. Gibney attended the auction with
the expectation of bidding on any of
the packages offered for sale. Seek
ing to justify his presence, Mr. Gibney
advised that it was his intention to
bid on everything in sight; whereupon
Blumenthal proceeded to explain to
Mr. Gibney how Impossible it would
be for him, arrayed against the Forty
Thieves, to buy any article at a rea
sonable price. Further: Blumenthal
desired to Inform Mr. Gibney that his
(Mr. Gibney’s) efforts to buy in the
“old horses” would merely result in
hts running the prices up, for no benef
icent purpose, since It was ever the
practice of the Forty Thieves to per
mit no jnan to outbid them. Perhaps
Mr. Gibney would be satisfied with a
fair day’s profit without troubling him
self to hamper the Forty Thieves and
interfere with their combination, and
with the words, the king surreptitious
ly slipped Mr. Gibney a fifty-dollar
Mr. Gibney’s great fist closed over
the treasure, he having first, by a coy
glance, satisfied himself that it was
really fifty dollars. He shook hands
with the king. He said:
“Blumenthal, you’re a smart man.
I am quite content with this, fifty to
keep off your course and give you a
wide berth to starboard. I’m sensi
ble enough to know when I’m licked,
an’ a fight without profit ain’t in my
line. I didn’t make my money that
way, Blumenthal. I’ll cast off,my lines
and haul away from the dock,” and
suiting the action to the figure, Mr.
Gibney departed.
He went first to the Seaboard drug
store, where he quizzed the druggist
for five minutes, after which he con
tinued his cruise. Upon reaching the
Maggie, he proceeded to relate in de
tail, and with additional details sup
plied by his own imagination, the story
of his morning adventure.
“Gib,” said McGuffey enviously,
“youjre a fool for luck.”
“Luck,” said Mr. Gibney, beginning
to expand, “is what the feller calls a
relative proposition—”
“You’re ’wrong, Gib,” Interposed
Captain Scraggs. “Relatives is un
lucky an’ expensive. Take, fr in
stance, Mrs. Scraggs’ mother —’’
“I mean, you lunkhead,” said Mr.
Gibney, “that luck is found where
brains grow. No brain, no luck. No
luck, no brains. Lemme illustrate. A
thievin’ land shark makes me a present
o’ fifty dollars not to butt in on them
two boxes I’m tellln’ you about. Him
an’ his gang wants them two boxes.
Fair crazy to get ’em. Now, don’t It
stand to reason that them fellers
knows what's in them boxes, or they
wouldn’t give me fifty dollars to haul
ship? Of course, it does. However,
in order to earn that fifty dollars, I
got to back water. It wouldn’t be
playin’ fair if I didn’t. But that don’t
prevent me from puttin’ tw - o dear
friends o’ mine (here Mr. Gibney en
circled Scraggs and McGuffey with an
arm each) next to ths secret which I
discovers, an’ if there’s money in It
for old Hooky that buys me off, it
stands to reason that there’s money
in it for us three. What’s to prevent
you an’ McGuffey from goin’ up to
this old horse, sale an’ blddin’ in them
two boxes for the use and benefit of
Gibney. Scraggs an' McGuffey, all
share an’ share alike? You can bld
as high as a hundred dollars, if neces
sary, an’ still come out a thousand
dollars to the good. I’m tellln’ you
this because I know what’s in them
two boxes."
McGuffey .was staring fascinated at
Mr. Gibney. Captain Scraggs clutched
‘his mate’s arm in a frenzied clasp.
“What?” they both interrogated.
“You two boys,” continued Mr. Gib
ney with aggravating deliberation,
“ain’t what nobody would call dum
mies. You’re smart men. But the
trouble with both o’ you boys is you
ain’t got no imagination. Without
imagination nobody gets nowhere, un
less It’s out th’ small end o’ th’ horn.
Maybe you boys ain’t notlced it, but
my imagination Is aU that keeps me
from goin’ to jail. Now, if you two
had read the address on them two
boxes, it wouldn’t ’a’ meant nothin’ to
you. Absolutely nothin’. But with me
it’s different. I’m blessed with imagi
nation enough to see right through
them Chinaman tricks. Them two
boxes is marked 'Oriental Goods’ an’
consigned (here Mr. Gibney raised a
grimy forefinger, and Scraggs and Mc-
Guffey eyed it very much as if they
expected It to go off at any moment) —
them two boxes is consigned to the
Gin Seng company, 714 Dupont street,
San Francisco.”
“Well, that’s up in Chinatown, all
right,” admitted Captain Scraggs, “but
how about what’s inside the two
“Oriental gooua, of com . SUld iUC*
Guffey. “They are cons'gjKd to a
Chinaman, on’ besides, that’s what 11
says on the cases, don’t it, Gib? Ori
ental goods, Scraggs, is silks an’ satins,
rice, chop suey, punk, aii’ idols an’
fan tan layouts.”
“If there ain’t Swiss cheese move
ments in that head block of yours,
Mac, you and Scraggsy can divide my
share o’ these tw - o boxes o’ ginseng
root between you. Do you get it, you
chuckleheaded son of a Irish potato?
Gin Seng, 714 Dupont street Ginseng
—a root or a herb that mcd’.clne is
made out of. The dictionary says it’s
a Chinese panacea for exhaustion, an’
I happen to know - that it’s worth five
dollars a pound an’ that them two
crates weighs a hundred and fifty
pounds each if they w - elghs an ounce.”
His auditors stared at Mr. Gibney
much as might a pair of baseball fans
at the hero of a home run with two
strikes and the bases full.
“Gawd!” muttered McGuffey.
“Great grief, Gib! Can this be pos
sible?” gasped Captain Scraggs. .
For answer Mr. Gibney took out his
fifty-dollar bill and handed it to —to
McGuffey. He never trusted Captain
Scraggs with anything more valuable
than a pipeful of tobacco.
“Scraggsy,” he said solemnly, “I’m
willin’ to back my imagination with
my cash. You an’ McGuffey hurry
right the warehouse an’ butt
in on the sale w - hen they come to them
two boxes. The sale is just about
startin’ now - . Go as high as you thhJx
you can in order to get the ginseng at
a profitable figger, an’ pay the auc
tioneer fifty dollars down to hold the
sale; that will give you boys time to
rush around to dig up the balance o’
the money. Tack right along now,
lads, while I go down the street an’
get me some breakfast. I don’t want
Blumenthal to see me around that sale.
He might get suspicious. After I eat
I’ll meet you here aboard th’ Maggie,
an’ we’ll divide the loot.”
With a fervent handshake all
around, the three shipmates parted.
After disposing of a hearty break
fast of devilled lamb’s kidneys and
coffee, Mr. Gibney Invested in a ten
cent Sailor’s Delight and strolled down
to the Maggie. Neils Halvorsen, the
lone deckhand, was aboard, and the
moment Mr. Gibney trod the Maggie’s
deck once more as mate, he
exercised his prerogative to order
Neils ashore for the remainder
of the day. Since Halvorsen was not
in on the ginseng deal, Mr. Gibney
concluded that it would be just as well
to have him out of the way should
Scraggs and McGuffey appear unex
pectedly with the two cases of gin
“We’ll open her up and in
spect the swag.”
Simple Explanation of Showers of Fish
Which Are Reported as Occasion
ally Occurring.
Showers of fishes occasionally fall in
different parts of the world, exciting
great astonishment. Instances of this
kiiid have occurred in England. On
one occasion a shower of small three
spined sticklebacks fell near Merthyr-
Tydvil, in Wales, sprinkling the ground
and housetops over a large area. If
caught up by a whirlwind from any
of the brackish ponds near the sea, in
which this species of fish abounds, they
must have been conveyed through the
air a distance of almost thirty miles.
Another similar instance occurred at
Torrens, in the Isle of Mull, In which
herrings were found strewed.on a hill
500 yards from the sea and 100 feet
above It. Such downfalls are more
common in tropical countries. In
India a shower of fishes varying from
Y pound and a haif to three pounds Id
weight has been reported. Sometimes
the fishes are living, more frequently
they are dead, and sometimes dry or
putrifying. They are always of kinds
abundant in the sea or fresh waters of
the neighborhood. The occurrence of
the phenomenon is readily explained
by the partial vacuum and strong up
draught produced in the center of a
tornado. Such a whirling column, if
passing over the surface of a lake or
river or of the sea, may suck up a con
siderable quantity of the water along
with any living creatures that may be
tn It. This may be carried for a con
siderable distance, and is discharged
as a waterspout or cloudburst when
the rotational energy of the whirl is
Home Brew Thirty Centuries Ago.
For originating the art of home
brewing the Persians claim credit.
Thirty centuries ago, according to an
account, King Jamshid had a great
jar of grapes. Pressure of the top lay
ers on those beneath squeezed out the
juice, which fermented and became
sour. One of the king’s wives, having
learned of the liquid in the basement,
which the king believed to be, and had
labeled “poison” decided to use it to
end her life. Although she drank free
ly, instead of dying, she lost her de
spondency, and became unusually hap
py. The king could not understand
her hilarity until she confessed.
Thereafter, it Is related, both the mon
arch and his court with frequent regu
larity “poisoned” themselves on home
One Order Stewed Beans.
Stuart Dean, pump manufacturer,
is a member of the Indianapolis
Country club. Recently Mr. Dean tele
phoned the club to arrange for a
dinner. One of the Filipino servants
answered the call.
“This is Mr. Dean —Stuart Dean,"
the club man said to the servant.
“I not understand good,” the ser
vant said.
“I am Mr. Dean —Stuart Dean.”
“Oh, yes, yes, now I understand
yes, yes,”
The Filipino hung up the receiver,
hurried to the kitchen and said to
the chef:
“One order stewed beans!” —Indian-
apolis News.
One admires his photographer al
most as much as his doctor. Each
improves him so much.
After Thorough Trial a Detroit,
Mich., Man Endorses Pe-ru-na
The following letter written “PE-RU-NA has done wonders
from Detroit, Michigan is no snap and to me is worth its weight in
judgment expressed on the merits gold. I shall continue to use
of Pe-ru-na, the well- PE-RU-NA as long as
knowncatarrh remedy, lip I live and recommend
but rather a mature, I to my friends who are
sober opinion formed troubledwithcatarrh.’’
after a full year’s trial. q Nothing can be more
This is the way Mr. 4 convincing than an en-
Michael Fako of 906 jK dorsement of this na-
East Palmer Avenue, kJ ture from an actual
in the Michigan Metro- VJW user. There are many
polis, writes i “After X ’ Q people in every com
using PE-RU-NA for I Diunity whose experi-
about one year will say ence,in using Pe-ru-na,
I have found it a very I has been identical with
good medicine for ca- r> Bako’s. It is the
tarrh. It has helped standby for coughs,
me a great deal and I colds, catarrh, stomach
am very well satisfied. I have and bowel disorders and all ca
gained in weight, eat and sleep tarrhal conditions,
well, my bowels are regular and Put up in both tablet and liquid
better color in my face. form. Sold evebywheee.
If men had the courage of their con
viction’s there would be more con
Some of the most successful maga
zine writers devote their talent to the
advertising pages.
Take Yeast Vitamon
Tablets To Clear
The Skin
Build Firm “Stay-There” Flesh —Increase Energy.
If you want io quickly clean your akin and complexion, put some firm healthy
flesh on your bones, increase your nerve force and power and look and feel 100
per cent, better, simply try taking two of Mastin's tiny yeast VITAMON Tablets
with each meal and watch the
results. Mastin’s VITAMON
Tablets contain highlyjconcentra
ted yeast-vitamines as well as .
the two other still more impor
tant vitamines (Fat soluble A
and Water soluble C) and are
now being used by thousands.
They positively will not upset
the stomach or cause gas, but,
on the contrary, are a great aid
to digestion, to overcome consti
pation and as a general condi
tioner of the whole system. Pim
ples, boils and skin eruptions
seem to vanish like magic, the
complexion becomes fresh and
dear, the cheeks glow with ruddy
health, the flesh becomes firm,
the eyes bright. Mastin's VITA
MON Tablets are positively
guaranteed to give you new
health, energy and ambition and
improve your appearance. Do
not accept imitations or substi
tutes. You cun get Mastin’s
VITAMON Tablets .from any
good druggist.
We had but recently moved into the
town, writes a correspondent, and I
went to church on Sunday, accom
panied by my daughter.
After the services the minister
rushed to the door to shake hands
with us, and said to Hilda: “And
why didn’t you bring your daddy with
you?” -
She replied, “Oh, he’s home taking
care of brother. He doesn’t care for
churches or picture shows, anyway.”
Time to Quit.
This one from the Flash, published
by the Merchants Heat and Light com
pany :
Harry Warren, five-year-old son of
E. A. Distler, came around the other
day when the latter was singing the
baby to sleep. “She’s almost uncon
scious, isn’t she?” he inquired. “Yes,”
said daddy. ‘Well, then,” said young
Harry, “you better quit singing or
you’ll kill her.” —Detroit Frfee Press.
Modern Formula.
“Still following up that chorus girl’s
divorce suits?"
“Yes, I’ve read so much that they
no longer seem like the scandals of a
perfect stranger.”
After all, the only man really worth
helping is the proverbial chap who
helps himself.
Much has been achieved by attempt
ing the impossible.
Life Is a problem of finding charac
ter through choices.
A “balanced diet” may sound
confusing to many people
The facts, as explained
here, are simple.
The secret of a “balanced diet” is to have food
containing all the -elements needed for proper
nutrition. These elements are protein, to nourish
the tissues; starch and sugar to furnish energy;
fat to supply heat; and mineral salts to provide
the material necessary for building nerves, brain,
and tooth and bone structure.
Grape-Nuts, the nourishing cereal made of
whole wheat flour and malted barley, served with
cream or milk, is a complete food for young and
old alike.
Go to your grocer today and get a package of
Grape-Nuts. Eat it with milk or cream for
breakfast; or with stewed fruit, jelly or jam, as a
delicious dessert for lunch or dinner.
Every member of the family will relish this
palatable and nourishing food —
Grape-Nuts—the Body Builder
“There’s a Reason”
Made by Postum Cereal Co., Inc., Battle Creek, Mich.
Misery loves company, but it is bet
ter to have rheumatism in one foot
than in both of them.
It’s easy enough to become a great
financier if you have money for ex*
Of what um ar* fin* feature* with an ugly",
mottled akin, flabby fleah, aunkan ch*eka,
pouch** under th* *y*a or a careworn, aickly
looking face? Let Vitamon correct theae
Are Positively Guaranteed
to Put On Firm Flesh,
Clear the Skin and Increase
Energy When Taken With
Every Meal or Money Back
His Condition.
“How are you coming on. Uncle
Bragg?” asked an acquaintance.
“Well, I’ll just—p’tu—tell ye, Gabe,”
answered old Bragg Sockery of Mount
Pizgy, Ark. “I hain’t doing no per
tlckler good. ’Pears like the doctor
and the neighbors don’t understand
my case. Some says one thing about
it and some says something else, till
I’ll be dogged if I don’t get to sorter
wondering whether none of ’em have
got any sense. I don’t like to dlsapp’int
my friends, though, and I hate to
waste what I pay the doctor for. So
I’ve took enough of one thing and
tuther to float a boat, and -have kinda
got the notion that what’s the matter
with me is simply what’s the matter
with me, and there hain’t no—p’tu—
help for it” —Kansas City Star.
What Ailed Hdr Pulse.
Little Louise was recovering from
a bit of fever and her appetite had be
gun to assert Itself. She gave a look
at the meager slice of toast and the
broth that had been brought to her
“Can’t I have more than this, moth
er?” she asked. “It Isn’t half enough.”
“Not just yet,” said mother. “I am
afraid to give you more. Your, pulse
is still too quick.”
“But, mother,” urged Louise, “don’t
you see it’s my excitement because I
can’t get enough to eat that makes my
pulse so quick?”—Wayside Tales.
To be disappointed in love may save
you a greater disappointment in mar

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