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APRIL FOLLY. A widow (with a daughter, sixteen). A suitor (with a proposition.) Suitor— , . 1 may speak a few words, I suppose, . i In your parlor where we may retire. "Widow (aside)— He's going at last to propose— All the men my attractions admire. You must know what my wishes have been; . .. . i My intentions you surely divine. Wid. (aside)— , , , .i" «* Any fool through his mask might have seen ; And I knew his affections were mine. 6 — To look at you, no one of taste V ould suppose you were much over age. W. (aside)— /'- . . It is true, I'm eighteen round the waist, , My charms all attentions engage. ».— " To be nearer related I long And our hearts, I believe, are as one I W. (aside)— I must say, he is coming it strong, For a courting that's only begun. 6.— Should I meet with disfavor if I Called you soon by affectionate names? W. (aside)—' , t , Why, of course he has only to try; Like others, he must have had flames. E.— ■ You've a daughter scarce fairer than you ; Your sister, indeed, she might be. W. (aside)— , „ Ah ! That makes a woman look blue, When her age through a child they can see: S- She thinks she can love me, if you To accept me will sweetly relent. W. (aside)- The cheek of the girl ! There are few Mothers now ask their daughter's con sent! S.— I am dying to make my hopes known; But in love making still I am raw. W. (aloud)— Silly boy ! you may call me your own. - * c - Yes! my own, my own MOTHER-IN . - . LAW! (****!!?? Explosion). Spice. Little Emilie— l like Lent awfully, auntie. Auntie— Why, dear? Little Emilie— Because you feel so good when its over * * Bigg] y— Smith did a queer thing to day. He gave me a letter to mail and made me promise not to read the ad dress. Quiggly— Ah! To whom was it ad dressed? Hard, But Plasant Work. Hartford Post. . "Oh, Algernon, why don't you join the military and have some style about you? The battalion drill was just lovely last night." "Y-e-e-s, but you see,it's awfully hard work to carry a beastly great gun on your shoulder all the evening." "A gun Isn't as heavy as a girl's head on your shoulder." Was She, Though? Pretty Nurse Girl— Oh, Mr. Smith! don't put your arm around me; Mrs. Smith will catch you. Mr. Smith— Oh, no she won't. She is up stairs in sweet oblivion. Points for Poppers. A pon-ular query— Will you be mine? •-Washington Critic. A statistician estimates that court ships average three tons of coal each. Texas Sittings. o .fy't Curiously enough the old man "socks" It into Maud's beau with his boot.— Haven News. Finnegan says his girl always prefers to sit in an arm-chair because it feels so natural, you know.— Whitehall Times. The rapidity with which the course of true love runs depends upon the gait the lovers do their courting over. — Pittsburg Chronicle-Telegraph. The young man whom the young •woman rejected might perhaps feel con soled if he could see some of the bills for bonnets and other necessaries of life that the man she has accepted has to pay.— Somerville Journal. f w BflrT^— i ,] -i — rrr — " : Charlie— Clara, will you marry me? Clara— but how funny!, Charlie— Clara— is 8:50 and I had made up my mind to propose to you at 9 sharp. You have spared me a great disgrace. More in 'the Price Than the Size. Boston Transcript. AAA^'A '. A young wife, was recently telling in the listener's presence of the aesthetic taste of her husband and his skill as a purchaser of millinery. 7 --. "If I should ask him to buy my Easter bonnet he would know just what to get. You would, wouldn't you,- Charles?" "Certainly," replied ; the zealous Charles. "What size . bonnet do you wear?" . The' question had the effect of; de stroying the listener's faith in . Charles as a judge of feminine head wear. BUT HE NEVER DID. There are no words than these more sad— "I could have done— 1 had had." The man who chants this sad refrain Has always failed to catch the train. "He could have bought" the corner lot For fifty dollars— as not— J Which, some two weeks ago, or more, You paid eleven thousand for. The carriage team you bought in town — Planking eleven hundred down— "Be could nave got," all along last fall, For just air hundred, rig and all. : ->i_$gB "If he had had"— when Jones went in— The congressman he'd now have been. "If he'd of had" your schooling, say— A supreme judge' he'd be to-day. "If he had had your start and health, Bullions would scarcely count his wealth, "If he hud" read theology, A second Beecher he would be. . '."*:\rC: : ~ "If he had" turned his thoughts to rhyme, The ages with his muse would chime. "If he had had"— what crowns to win I "Ii he had had"— he could have been "If he had had"— how high his throne! "If he had had"— would now own. Stale, flat, unprofitable, sad— "If 1 had had— I had had." ' :.y.': % ■:-■ —Robert J. Burdette. Retributive Justice. Miss Edith (to bashful lover)— You know it is Leap year, Mr. Smith, and we ladies have a right to speak frankly. B. B. (enthused)— Oh, yes you— Edith— I wish you would cease calling. lam engaged to Mr. Brown. • A Tough Race. Tid-Bits. Governor — You've been running ahead of your allowance, Jack. Jack— know it, dad. I've been hoping for a long time that the allow ance would strengthen up enough to overtake me. ;.C 3 7; SEES BOOTH AND BARRETT. I watched them fellers actiii' folks, An' blamed if I kin see How I could be somebody else, As nateral as me. An' then the thing that's harder yet, Keeps stickin' in my craw. _ .. That's how they live some one who's dead, An' him they never saw. If I kep' changin' myself 'round Like Booth, or Barrett, does, A real, livin' some one else, How'd I know who I wuz? My kickin' cow and balky mule Would think it wuzn't "me, So would my wife; when they turned loose Gosh! what a lime there d be Why, when St. Peter's at the gate, A sortin' out the folks, Them actors might play off on him The solemnest of jokes ; 'Spose Booth and Barrett just fix up To look like Watts and me, Pass in fer us an' leave us out To scorch eternally? — Lv B. Cake in Omaha World. But He Hid Detroit Free Press. McPelter is a trifle absent-minded. The other night he was blundering about in a dark bedroom when his wife came in with light. . * - "What in the world are you looking for?" "I'm looking for that infernal, measly bootjack!" 7 "Why, what do you want of it?" "What do I want of the bootjack ! Dear, dear! What can I want of it! To nry off my collar button and hammer the baggy spots out of my pantaloons, of course!" 77. 7 . "Oh, . yes," mildly, "I thought you couldn't want it to pull off your slip pers!" 'W/A'' '"'-'' A Wife's Sharp Eye. Omaha World. First Dame— How is your husband's business progressing? Second Dame— He doesn't like me to ask him questions about his affairs, but 1 know he is getting awfully rich. "Think so?" "Yes, indeed. He's got so now that he wears one suit of cloths all the year 'round." MUSCLE-BUILDING. An Areola younglady of taste, "."*-*'.' Loved a dude who wore bangs made of paste; She told him his muscle '.--■ ft Would be big as her bustle If he'd practice at squeezing her waist. .'* - -rf'. —Areola Record. Of Course. Harper s Bazar. : Ethel— Mamma, when : I grow up, will the calves of my legs be cows? \ " -• » : Putting It in Another Light. Life..' '-' ;', v 7. '•; Energetic Mother— You should do your best to impress Mr. Featherly, Clara; he is awfully rich, and very, very good. • , Clara— l know that, mother; but he is too good. I hate good men. Mother— ; but think, -my dear . The good die ; young. [Clara promises to consider the matter.] LOVE GROWN GREATER. "You should not say my love's grown less It really is not true ■;..- - : : 77 You only said so— come, confess — '•'. - Because you're feeling blue." i;'~: >>"'• . - . "Well, greater, then. } About a word - Why make so much ado ! :'.". , :;- Your love's grown greater, for I've heard . You love my rival, too." v - _ —Life. 7 TEffiSA^ PATTL DAILY GLOBE: SUNDAY MORSTISTG, APRIL 15, 1885.— TWENTY PAGES. THE "AUTOCRATIC" JANITOR. -"** My name it Is Pat, 7 - 7, And I'm king of the flat, Where the people in layers reside; -* . - . i My will is their law, - "7 .'• : - And they treat me with aWe, Befitting my station and pride. On a set day each week - ; . • My. subjects.so meek . O'er odorous cabbage may chat; ■ ' If their families grow, -'7 '■'■'', I bounce 'em. You know . * Small strangers are barred in a flat. My income's immense, ■■■■■'. For I'm tipped by the "gents" For what is my duty to do ; If obstinate, they Soon find I've a way* To punish and humble them too. My tenants must buy From the tradesman that I Select, for "whack-ups" wo arrange; • "■'•'.' ;'•''.' I handle the stuff, . And may handle it rough If it comes from a store that is strange. . Now, take off you hat To the king of the flat, And bow down before on your knee ; For Bridget, the queen Of the kitchen serene. ' .-.- . Can't hold up a candle to me. * .■ ■ . - ■ —Puck. Pokes at Poets. " . - Poets are ode-ious creatures.— ington Critic. The poet that itches for fame should use a peu that scratches.— Boston Courier. A poet wants to know "where the fleecy clouds are woven." .In the air loom, of course.— Burlington Free Press. "I live for those who love me," says a Philadelphia poet. If he is like most amateur poets, then he hasn't much to live for.— Somerville Journal. If poets kindled the muse with the same .stuff that the servants use in kindling the kitchen fires there wouldn't be so many poets and the muse would have a Rochester Post- Express. Everybody has some vein of poetry in him: but, in nine cases out of ten, it would be money in his : pocket if that vein were filled. with blood.— Puck. The Instantaneous Process. Epoch. Dumley (to photographer)— Do you take pictures by the instantaneous pro cess? I'm in a hurry. Photographer— Yes, sir. , Dumley— You may take mine; a dozen cabinets. - Photographer— All right, sir: just sit down and wait your turn, please. ;y 77 Dumley— How long will I have to wait? ... ; ; 7'v7'7?i Photographer— a few hours; there's a baby ahead of you. Carpentry Made Easy. Omaha "World. Omaha Man (reading)— Female car penters have appeared in London. Shouldn't wonder. A woman can be a carpenter now as well as a man. 77-- vryy "Why so?" "I saw by the paper the other day that an Englishman had invented a machine for driving nails. She Had Him. Boston Courier. „'•..• "The happiest moment of a man's life," he said tenderly, "is when he knows lie has won a girl's heart." "Is it?" she shyly asked. "Yes," he replied; "now tell me what is the happiest moment iv a woman's life." She blushed and hung her head. "Tell me," he whispered. "You won't think me too bold?" "Certainly not." "When she's asked to name the day." That's What He Was. Areola Record. "You see that handsome fellow talk ng to that bevy of ladies?" "Yes; what of him?" "He has twenty wives." "Ah, indeed Is he a drummer or a Mormon?" "Neither. He's a blamed fool." The Reason He Is Rich. Hotel Mail. ; * 7 ;A\ . "I see that the proprietor of a hotel in. Washington is worth $13,000,000," said a banker to a friend. 7 j _4 7 "Well, that's not to be wondered at." "Why so?" "Because he used to be a porter in the house he now owns." An Effective Combination. Grace— that] your finance, Kate? ': Kate— Yes, why? Grace— he awfully dark, dear? Kate— Quite ; but old gold, with the accent on the gold, being the contrasting color, the combination is an agreeable one, and quite harmonious— see? *7/7 He Appropriates. Truth. ■ -'- '•::;' They give Tom Ochiltree the reputa tion of appropriating other people's clever sayings. "I wish I had . said that," said Ochil-7 tree the other day in the Hoffman house when one of his chums got off a special bon mot. "You will some day," said Ned Stokes. He Will See It Later. Detroit Free Press. Clerk— J worked off some of . that packed butter to-day. Grocer— lndeed ! Whom did you send it to? . Clerk— Blank, around on Dash street. Grocer— guns! Why, I board with her. . .. .. Jones as a Thinker. l Areola Record. ::.':'. .: 7 "So you think Jones is a philosopher, do you?*' . "I said he had deeD thoughts." : "When?" > y -yy , "^'v,-^:^ -"When he is cleaning out a well." Sook, Bossy! "; Pittsburg Dispatch: 7 . . •■ "The bull is not the head of the bovine family," remarked the Shake Editor. 7 "N0," said the Horse Editor,^tenta tively. • "It is the cow who is 'boss' " But Neb Came Up: Smiling. Merchant Traveler. . 7.' ~ The prize fight chronicler has.neg lected to note the fact- that Nebuchad nezzar was the first man ever sent to grass. : ' . " : - 7. A BOOT BALLAD. ' "Boots by mail, without fail !".. Sings the advertising shop - Boots by male make lovers quail, . If the male's your best girl's "pop." '•;■ ""■ ".- ■-.. ' '■'-■ t — Goodall's Sun. • ,. Mixed Drinks. 7 Under false colors. A toper's nose.— Burlington Free Press. ■ "'■yi'. 7*7—7' 'Tis a bouquet of old wine that makes the ;•• toper's nose gay.— Orleans ; '-. Picayune. *:.'. -. ■'-. ".'*■ •-:■ . ■7- • •? 7V '. 7*7 Tbe vessel in which a man can get half seas-over in a very short time— the : beer schooner.— Times. v 7 i It is stylish to take a little * liquorice . in the winter and ■ a little : ' ice 7 ln 's the liquor in - the \. summer.— Waterloo Ob-" server. '."'' '- "-.'" . *'. '.■ . :.y..-^l'.■-' --■ 7 Few things are what they are cracked up to be, but among the few must be in cluded the ice for the \ cocktail.— Boston Courier. - . 7: 77 "'■"-'■" 7. Swallow tails are now required at the Berlin opera house Monday nights. In this couutry the style is swallow cock tails.-—Omaha World. 7 ."-"* ' • His Revenge. 7 7 ' > Mr. Outwit— How's everything : ; in Oshkosh, madam? ' — .' Fair Traveler— You're mistaken, sir. I'm a New Yorker. Mr. Outwit— Knowing that the Psyche twist was called in a month ago, I wouldn't have believed it. On the Fence. Detroit Free Press. " "Mamma, dear," said a St. Louis girl the other : day, speaking in the tone of gentle, loving confidence that is always so charming to see between a mother and daughter, I— think George Por cine intends asking me to be his wife to-night. What shall I say if he does?" "My darling!" cried the fond mother, clasping her loved one to her bosom. "Must you ask must you ask any one—what to say at such a time? Be guided entirely by the dictates of your own heart. Ask -. your heart if you love him. What does my darling's heart say?" '-.-"■ "Well, mamma," said the maiden pen sively, "it seems to be kind o' straddle of the fence and don't know which way to tumble but, on the whole, I guess George is about as good a fish as I'm likely to land, so I'd better haul him in, hadn't I?" ■: ;^ "My sweet?" said the agitated mother tearfully, "I reckon you had." Hon. Martin Quotes French. Washington Critic. . Last Friday when Martin Foran, of Ohio, was hailed before the bar of the house to show cause why he was absent he replied in these words: . "Le bruit est pour le fat. la plainte est pour le sot, ....''■■ L'honnete homme trompe s'eloigne et ne dit mot." 7 7- "7;,;. These words are French and not Ohio ese, as was suspected by the members of the press gallery from Mr. Foran's ac cent. We give a free translation for the benefit of the congressmen who voted to j excuse the erring member: The brute is for the fat, Red paint is for the sot The honest member's trnmp Will salivate the pot. Just the Year for Him. Omaha World. Young Man (on railroad train)— Yes, I had about made up my mind to invest my savings •in a little enterprise, but I'm feeling mighty doubtful about it just now. I understand . presidential years are bad for business. Old Man— All fudge. I'm nearly driven to death; can hardly find time to sleep; overrun with orders. The fact is I just coin money in presidential years. "Eh? What business are you in?" 1 - "Liquor." _ " * ' 7 HOW TO MANAGE IT. ■ Leap year is here, . ■ ; To maidens dear, Whore waited on by bashful beaux j That smile and sigh - y. .. And oft come nigh . 7. ...•.., ■ l,'„ To popping, but who ne'er propose. "■■ i •,' Proceed witn skill, ■'.' ] . And thus you will Proposals from your lovers draw; They'll take the cue Say, How would you , '.':.. '"■ Like mother for a mother-in-law? 7' c ;.y r \f :■■: r ~ ' - —Boston Courier. Overlooked a Trifle. — Epoch. '■■'. 7 .--'A- : V ; '"/-'7 ; Farmer (returned from town)— There's the terbacker, an' the molasses, and the condition powders for the sick brindle heifer, an' the— Where's the quinine, John, I asked you to get for me? Farmer— B'gum, I ergot all about it. * f^ , Makes a Difference. Tid-Bits. ■ ' 7 % " ~ , Husband (sadly)— You are not what you used to be, Fannie. - Wife (sharply)— Of course I am, not. I used to be your best girl, but now I'm your wife, and it makes a great sight of difference. v ': ' '■■' A'Ay V She Accepted Him. Truth. •; ' ' y y \-J '.' i~> 77.. i y^\- 1 :*-v7 : The mother and daughter are at tea : "Yes, mother, Mr. Kerjose has pro posed, and 1 have accepted his offer." "Why do you want . to marry, my child?" "For the fun of the thing." Changed, the Subject. Washington Critic. ' -.' -"^ ._,-;,, He— you believe in high license, Fannie? 7 She— What kind of license? Marriage license? ■ He changed the subject. - Painfully Sweet. Epoch. - . "Did you prick yourself, dear?" she asked anxiously, as he suddenly with drew his arm. ..■■'. "Only a trifle," he tenderly ; respond ed, sucking his thumb; "every rose you know, darling, has its thorn." t'7 The Monongahela Style. When the shaving operation was over, the barber lathered his customer's face, ears, hair and neck until his head looked like a big snowball.* ; : [ ."What in thunder- are you doing," spluttered the customer, blowing the soap from his mouth, "trying to smother me?" -.■;':: ■ -; 77. ;-;•' ■: ."Excuse me, sir,". said the barber; "I forgot myself for the : moment. •:■ I used to work in a Pittsburg shop." THE SPRING POET'S FATE. The poet wrote, in his easy chair, , .. ; • A rhyme with rythmical ring. , -y 7 '. : . And over his visage a pensive air Diffused itself as he scribbled there, ' Singing a song of the spring. . - The editor cursed and tore his hair, And he raged in his sanctum grim, And down the steep and fatal stair ...•"' \ He kicked that poet of pensive air, 7 7; The poet who sang of spring. • ; And the poet, in the depths of hell, 7 . Bewails his fearful lot. -7, - '-• : : ) For the devil does his duty well, • And into the poet's private cell , - : _.t He shovels the brimstone hot.->.7 .._-:, --, And the demons rave and rage, below, . > -And they howl and dance and sing: 7 -.;. * And deep in the realms of endless woe," "■ "v : here pits of sulphur burn and glow, - .-.■.- -y *•" »j- They lay for the poets of spring. . - 7; 7 . — Bowdoin Orient. -"-*„: THE DIFFERENCE. ' . '•!■ : - .": '■■'' ;, ;TWZXTTTEABS ago. - ;, .; •: '■:■-'. - She was a widow— O so sly I . "* 7 . She was a widow— "What an eye 1 . ■■'■ s She was a widow— Me O-my ! .; A widow of two and twenty. -' And she had money— that she had ; .. . And she had money— from her dad; And she had money— Yes, egad! Yes, she had money plenty. And of admirers— and old, j -'And of admirers— faint and bold. • -.;>":' And of admirers— warm and cold, '•• f> Admirers she had many. > :}- ; ■. • ■ : : TO-DAT, She is a widow— widow still. 7 But she no longer fills the bill; ■<■ ". - f Her moneys gone, her beauty's nil— ' Admirers? Nay, not any.' • 7': a:- __§B_S«_^!' —Columbus Dispatch. He Will See It Later. Detroit Free Press. Clerk— l worked off some of that packed butter to-day. '■-Grocer— lndeed! Whom did you send • it to? 7 ■.""■' Clerk— Mrs. Blank, around . on Dash street. !• Grocer— Great guns ! Why, I board with her. 7 A Natural Logician. Tid-bits. "■■"' '■':-■ - Teacher— The object of this lesson is to inculcate obedience. Do you know what "obey", means? ° Apt Pupil— Yes, ma'am; I obey my father. Teacher— Yes that's right. Now tell me why you obey your father. Apt Pupil— he's bigger'nme! Reciprocity. * Hotel Mail. '*"*"/. - "What is reciprocity?" asked a young lady of her beau. "Well," said he, blushing like a pat heart flush, "if you do just as I do, that will be reciprocity."- Whereupon he gave her an object les son in osculation. Considerate to the Last. Epoch. Minister (to sick man)— realize, my dear brother, that you must die? "7 Sick Yes, and 1 1 shall die with perfect resignation; but please don't mention that to my wife. Same Thing. Tid-Bits. First Lawyer— heard that Brassfront had to stop his argument yesterday. They say the judge shut him up. Second Lawyer— exactly; only confined himself to facts. THE SUMMER BOARDER. "Oh, where are you going, my pretty maid, pretty maid?" He was young and fair, and a deep, deep sigh . ■ ."'.•'■'■ , 7.v.; .--* Exhaled as she lightly passed him by But he doffed his hat as she made reply, All on a summer's morning. . '.'l'm going a -milking, sir," she said, "sir," v she said, "• Not the dewy lawn or the flowered lea. Or the swelling buds by the sunset free, Were more of that golden day than she, All on a summer's morning. "May Igo with you, my pretty maid, pretty -" maid?" Ah ! the knave ! For he knew it was wrong to "7 play ' - . With her heart, since he felt she would never say, "Oh, fie ! young sir; go away, go away I" All on a summer's morning. "You may come if you wish to, sir," she said, .';.- "sir"," she said. >...■•• And she thought -to herself, ,to herself thought she, ' 7-,.. --■ ■■- :. '...-. "I wonder whatever he'll say to me; But then if I wait long enough I'll see." All on a summer's morning. . " ! • "Oh, what is your fortune, my pretty maid pretty maid?" " Ah ! A lover has never such gleams of sense ; When affection is strong there is judgment ' ~: dense. -.••■ He'd have laughed if he loved; he'd have scoffed at expense. All on a summer's morning. "My face is my fortune, sir," "she said, "sir," she said. ♦ "And the ruby of rose and the pearl have I; I've the diamond dew and the sapphire sky; I've the buttercups gold in vast supply, And the hue of a summer's morning. : "Then I cannot marry you, pretty maid, pretty maid." Ah ! A wooer who carefully weighs his plea, A suitor, but never a lover can be ; "He's in love with his own vain self," said ".she. i All on a summer's morning. "Nobody asked you, sir," she said, "sir," she said. "I've a love of my own, and he's manly, he's true ; His fortune is daisies and buttercups, too." And she laughed as she caroled "Adieu! . Adieu!" ■";/.< '•.•■- '.'-.; ; i All on a summer's morning. —Charles M. Snyder in Philadelphia Times. - ABLE EPITAPHS. ON A DEBTOR. 7 Sleep, sleep, thou poor, ill-treated one, Gone to the farther shore; - The debt of Nature thou hast paid, But nothing more. ' ON A LAWYER. , " Here lies a lawyer, cold in death. With all paid up that's due him; He lies at ease in peaceful rest, For lying's natural to him. ox A WOMAN. How still and quiet now she lies; She was a loving wife ; Her tongue is hushed, dear, brethren, for - ; The first time in her life. —Washington Critic. y * : Put Up for a Rainy Day. Rainy days would not be half so gloomy if we carried gorgeous, um brellas.Philadelphia Call. 7777; : ~ " It isn't necessary for * a man to know enough to go in when it rains, if he has an umbrella.— Life. - Don't judge a man by his trade, unless it is '"" a trade where he leaves a cotton umbrella; in the place of a silk one.— Yonkers Statesman. •; ' - This year seems to be crowded with extraordinary events. A Connecticut man has advertised an umbrella which he - found.— Pittsburg 7 Chronicle-Tele graph. '-■. 7 '"' - '7 li An Ohio man : lost an umbrella at Long Branch and the other day the tide . returned it to him. Take lessons of the tide, O umbrella borrower.— Hartford Post. • - " A Sandusky man is trying to identify an umbrella stolen from him twenty-one years ago. "•: It's a wise Ohio man that knows his own : umbrella.— Rochester Post-Express. ■ : 7>f ;; - v -'"' : ,;j -; ■■:•- , -■: - ■ ' — — ... GETTING ; THE MITTEN. In the fire ruddy glow she sat ,. Bending o'er her ■ knitting. . As through the meshes of soft, blue wool . Her fingers fas were flitting. "Ah, surely he said, "such dainty work To you must be a pleasure— If made by your hands, one little gift I should esteem a treasure." . "Oh would you, sir?" the maid replied ■ ;. With face* demure as a kitten— ■.. '■'-:'■ y. .7 : "Well, then, you may have this very one, . I'm going to make a mitten." VARIETIES. The old ladies' home— the corps de ballet.— Boston Bulletin. ._ 7 . > The purchase of a drama is mere buy-, Detroit Free Press. * Applause at the opera is cheap— be obtained . for.- a ' song.— Detroit 7 Free Press.':.'-.---' •>' , - : '- < .'." : 7'--'-7~ : .•""'• "'''".■■'"■ ■-: ■ A good \ : epitaph -for ; a theatrical ad vance agent— "Gone before."—Pitts burgh JCionicle-Telegraph. 7 ''^ ..;-: v 7 An exchange j has - an : exciting story about spirits in a theater. r They proba bly came in; between.; the acts.—Cleve land Leader. . . ; Clara Morris lias been sued by her man- I ager. If the legal delays are as long < as. l the waits between her acts , he'll never get his money.— Lowell Courier.*; % Miss Foote (Chicago)— What are those green •;. things •■ along the - edge * of the stage? :,-7;v\-7v..;- -.. McQiiillen— Why those are footlights. Miss .Foote— lndeed! Ain't . they small? Philadelphia Call. : _ , It is easier to ring a chestnut gong than to; tell a new. story.— Nebraska State Journal. .: Chestnuts resemble white wings in the ; particular that they never grow weary.— Nebraska State Journal. The chestnut mill continues to . grind with the chestnuts that have passed.— Philadelphia Call. Didn't Cain ; introduce the chestnut gong? He was the first man to strike Abel —Ottawa Bee. lt is rather late in the season, but per haps we may be pardoned for remarking that during the winter the straw, shows which way the horse car is going. — Bos. ton Post. There is no witty man with name exalted, But has his joke threadbare ; There is no funny colum, "fresh" or "salted," But has some chestnut there. —Texas Siftings. An Oswego woman : horsewhipped a young man for kissing her daughter. Beats all how jealous women are.— lington Free Press. Tulips are good, but four lips are bet ter, said the fellow when he kissed his best Waterloo Observer. The ' ladies of St. Joseph, Mo., have organized a Kiss Trust. This smacks of the worst kind of , monopoly.— Statesman. A Michigan town boasts of a girl six feet nine : inches tall. When a fellow gets a kiss from her he has to say please, and don't you forget it.— Burlington Free Press. We hope the "Honey Trust" will not a corner . make in kisses, And thus deprive us of the sweetest of all - '-'- ' earthly blisses. —Boston Courier. . Don't kiss a girl as the poet says he did,*"under the silent stars." Tip her head back gently and kiss her about half an inch under the tip of her little snub nose.— Somerville Journal. An I-deal husband is very often out late o' nights.— Columbus Dispatch. We take pleasure iv informing the Sublic that the ace is a won spot.— New [aven News. Within an ace of when the other fellow holds a pair of them and you only hold one.— Philadelphia Call. Blobson declares that there Is just about as much fun in playing solitaire as there is in trying to lift yourself by your boot Burlington Free Press. *77.77_.: : Because a man likes a woman's hand to be small is no indication that he wants to hold one of similar dimensions when playing cards.— Detroit Free Press. .. > Why should you never doubt the word of a man who has won the cut in opening a game of cards? Because he deals, in Ottawa Bee. What in the world Would Indiana do If anything should happen To John C. New? —Chicago Tribune. There are unthought thoughts And unkissed kisses, Sad for the boys And sad for the misses. But sadder than these, It may be stated, Is legislation That is unlegislated. —Columbus Dispatch. A Space-Killer. Tidßits. Foreman of , Printing Room — The "devil" 's fallen in the big press, an' is all chewed up! Local Editor— That's something like. I've got just an inch space left in the obituary column. TWO LOVERS. Two lovers by a moss-grown spring; They leaned soft cheeks together there, M ingled the dark and sunny hair, And heard the wooing thrushes sing, v-' . . O budding time. O love's best prime ! Two wedded from the portal step; - The bells made happy carolings, I The air was soft as fanning wings, While petals on the pathway swept. O pure-eyed bride, 0 tender bride ! Two faces o'er a cradle bent; Two hands above the head were locked; These pressed each other while they rocked! O solemn hour! O bidden power! Two parents by the evening fire ; The red light shone about their knees, . On heads that rose by slow degrees, Like buds upon the lily spire. ;:-:.:•••. O patient life ! . O tender strife 1 The two still sat together there; The red light shown about their knees, But all the heads by slow degrees Had gone and left the lonely pair, O voyage fast ! O vanished past 1 The red light shown about the floor, And made the space between them wide; They drew their chairs up site by side; Their pale cheeks joined, and said, "Once more?" O memories ! O past that is ! . —George Eliot. SOLE AGENTS KNOX SPRING SHAPES HATS RANSOM & NORTON 99 AND 101 E. THIRD ST. Chas. E. Lightner JEWELER, 149 East Third Street. For Novelties in Our Line, come and see me. Four Doors Above the Merchants Hotel. E V J*~*' l Twofold. t The advantage of tailoring is two fold—better work, later styles. Besides, tailoring costs no more; as we do it, cost frequently less. We tailor broadly— buy extensively— sell largely— cash; therefore low prices. Prefer to give you fine garments for the least money. It's our plan. Excess credit— old-fashioned methods —high profits— have no place in our tailoring. We have a very large assortment; more than a thousand styles. You're welcome to look. They're the sort that please, and please again in wear. Depend on us to cut, drape and tailor them at saving prices. It's our business, and upon it rests our leadership. Trousers, tailored, $5 to $12; Suits, $20 to $50; Overcoats, $18 to $60. Samples and Fashions furnished. • The Builder of Best Tailoring Methods. 21 East Third Street, - St. Paul. RETIRING FROM BUSINESS! Commencing with April 16 We Offer Out Entire Stock at IMMENSE REDUCTIONS! It Must Be Sold in Sixty Days. Ladies' and Gentlemen's Shoes at $5 and up. wards reduced $1 and $1.50 per pair. *- Lower-priced goods in proportion. This is the best opportunity ever presented to the citizens of St. Paul to obtain FINE SHOES IN LATEST STYLES at prices of common goods. Call early before the stock is broken. ALL ACCOUNTS CLOSED APRIL 14. THIS SALE IS STRICTLY FOR CASH I CHISLETTT sons, 55 East Third Street. $oc six V6 n t UU PIECES. $UtJ PLUSH PARLOR SUIT ! $1 6- Hardwood Bedroom Suit. 60c Per Yard- A II Wool Ingrain Carpet. $1 Per Yard-Body Brussels Carpet $1.25 Per Pair-Tape Edge Lace Curtains. 3 yards long. All other goods at proportionately low prices for cash or on time payments. GEO.H.LAINS, NO. 448 WABASHA STREET. HATS! HATS! Lincoln, Bennett .Go's Imported Hats —AND— DUNLAP & CO.'S CELEBRATED HATS. R. A. LANPHER <_ CO., AGENTS, Four Doors Above Merchants HoteL St. PauL Minn.