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The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, December 13, 1896, Image 19

Image and text provided by Minnesota Historical Society; Saint Paul, MN

Persistent link: https://chroniclingamerica.loc.gov/lccn/sn90059523/1896-12-13/ed-1/seq-19/

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I xnnlly tin- Reason.
"They 1<>:1 me the r»e Courceys have a skele
ton in thoir cIomH."
"Ami that they have been dropped by so
" Yes."
■Hecause of the skeleton in the closet I
■ -Xo: at all. It was beacuse they didn't
keep it there."—Chicago Post.
■ . I_ ~H
I—Cholly Halfback—As I live, my old pal, Rushem, of Yale. I'll speak to
' ' '
1- ■ ■ —. jm-£-f- —*——»••
2—Faker—Buy-a-nic-a feather dusta?
A Producer.
'My misguided fnend." said the fat man
with Uie puffs under his eyes, "I will admit
that I am a capitalist. That part of your as
sertion can go unchallenged. But when
you gay that I am not a producer you are
wrong. I have been backing a comic opera
company for two months."—lndianapolis Jour
Medical Advice.
•'ls there anything to be done for that boy
of ours, doctor? His brain seems to be ab
solutely inert."
•Oh, yes. Get him an eyeglass and a big
cane, and then scare him into dropping his
rs when talknig. He will be right in it."-
Detroit Free Press.
1 ' ill \\{\ U _jgi~Tfl^* > /■////%*
• —— /
Kind-Hearted Old Lady—When you finally reached the barren island
four hundred leagues away from the beaten courses of ships what was the
first thing- met your eye?
Recently Shipwrecked Tar—"Bicycles Sold Here," mum.
Needed It. x
"That young widow next door has bought*
a bicycle."
Isn't that a trifle ofid?"
"No; she says she had to have it so she
oould carry flowers out to the cemetery."—
Chicago Record.
Mfaerte* of Maiiaßrm.
Stagp Manager—Great snakes! Stop! Don't
move that scene yet.
Supe—lt's most time.
"•Don't touch it. Juliet is there dead in the
tomb. If you move that canvass it will let
In a draft, and she'll sneeze."—New York
. - : A Gror-f Solime. >-*{%^'"-
Jones—You. say you want to make money
Smith—l do. That's what I'm after. : .
"Well.': here ia your chance. The shad . lays
50.000 eggs in ; twenty-four i hours." ■■■ rr. .- • "
- "Well, what of it?" i -. °:t ,-• -1 ':
"Hear me out. Put your wits, to work and
get up a cross between shad and th* barn
yard hens, and you can make $100,000 a day."
-Up to Date.
A\ Of I I.\|{ 1)1.1 I *lO>
A Reflection on Her Age.
"That prim Miss Passay is mad enough to
bite me." ...... : v
"What's the matter?" - , •-.--• - ■ . :
"Why,, she has Just joined the new society
that believes that - human impressions are
mainly derived through the sense of smell."
"Well, I suggested that she was a scent
enarian."—Cleveland Plain Dealer.
: •
Monumental Sncce*«.
"Mr. Manager, do you think that tne at
tempt to elevate the stage has met with any
degree of success?" • »
"Why, certainly. Look at the roof gar
dens on the sky scrapers."—Detroit Free
Press. . - _■•.";o - "-
Care of Valuables.'
"James, has the ice come?"
"Well, go out and padlock it to the steps
until I get time to carry it in on the silver
tray and weigh it."—Louisville Courier-Jour
How It May Be Done.
"Is it possible to get a woman to keep a
"Don't let her know it's a secret."—Chi
cago Post.
< ondiftrn Punishment.
Two Georgians had engaged )n a warm
political discussion, which was brought to
a close by one of the disputants shooting
and killing the other. There was a disposi
tion to treat the affair lightly, when a North
ern man said to a resident: ■
"Don't you really think that something
ought to be done to a man who kills a poli
tical opponent?"
"Wall," was the reply, "I s'pose it would
be all right not to 'low him to vote at the
next 'lection."—Life.
Saved From the Wreck.
"I see that your coachman has left you,
"Yes. I was one of the few things he
couldn't steal."—Detroit Free Press.
I—The uroDosal.
f '
3—Just one ;jttie kiss.
He—Darling, shall I buy you a diamond engagement ring?
She —No.George, buy me a diamond frame bicycle.
i A >ew Opening for Him.
-.Aspiring. Youth—l understand there is a
vacancy on your local staff. ." '
City Editor— there is; in fact, we are
very short-handed and • I can ■ give you a job
at once. I want some one to go around and
interview Slugg Bulldozer, the eminent poli
tician. This paper charges that. ho beats hia
wife and starves his children, and we want
to know what he thinks about it.
"Um—er—haven't you a regular interviewer
for that kind of work?"
"Oh, yes, several of them, but they are all
in the hospital."New York .Weekly.
,-c~;>_---- —. -riiSi~ — —£_•
. / Friction. -
She— l suppose it's heredity that makes
pugs' noses so short.. .'." " •■"'-
He-^Yes, being kissedt there for so many
generations.— ; '.
I—The proposal.
2— The acceptance.
4-1 I .? I I I I I
A Matter of CircDmntancei.
"What do you intend to do with that pict
ure?" asked the artist's friend.
"That's one of my disappointments," was
the reply. "It's a chef d'ouvre."
"Why, you ought to be proud of It, then."
"No. 1 started it as a pot-boiler. But tha
man who ordered it changed his mind and
refused to pay for it. There's nothing now
for me to do but add it to my collection of
masterpieces.' '—Washington Star.
, 1 .
No Survivor* Left.
Pruyn—l wonder why there are so many
more borrowers than lenders in this world?
Waite —The explanation is most simple, my
dear fellow. Full 90 per cent are born bor
rowers, and always remain such, and the
few who start in as lenders are soon driven
into the other class.—Truth.
. cori Rev
]T" —-i.fr
I—"Now when old Chris comes, we'll
catch him in the trap and take all his
presents away."
2 —Father—Won't those boys be sur
3—And it was a surprise—■
4^-all around.
He Gained Weigrkt.
"Talk about yonr Western air to build up
a man," said Charlie, "why, I know a fellow
who went out there about two years ago
and gained oVer ton pounds in a week."
"Holy smoke! it it possible?"
"Yep- Ha sprang an.old joke on the cow
boys and they filled him full of lead." — New
York Journal.
• ._-... v :':) Plenty-: of Gamß .^: \y^,^':-"
J ln Livingston; Montana. r -
Tenderfoot— there any game around here? 1
■ Kindly-disposed, Native—Oh, yes; ; poker ; and
pea-tenuckle ; and I seren-up almost f any : time,
and > ftaro t Sunday nights- but - I'll - tell "■ you
what It is, young man, Judging by your looks,
if . you want to ■ carry any. money back ■ home
with you, :ou hadn't ■ better try 'em,—Somer
vill«Journ»L """-,..•• •
I Jl Sp c -
Romeo eathers—Why, Tom! so glad to see you. Come with me to th«
theater, and I can get you a position In our new drama.
•- Tom—What am I to do? : ■
you^tabb^nd^i off mPnOllSrh- Ther6' S& balC° ny fi«y feet hi^
Tom— No, I don't see. Good-bye.
The Boy Was Spoiled.
Farmer Hayseed—l Jes' tell you this 'ere
edication ain't no good to a young man at
all; jes' spiles 'em.
Visitor—Think so?
"Huh! Know so. Do you know Bill
Smikes? Don't? He lives in that 'ere white
house over the hill. Well, Smikes had a boy
he was bound to edicate, an' he did, too—
sent him in through the hull business, frills
and all, an' mortgaged his farm to do it.
Well, sir, that boy come back from college
such a dum fool that he was accepted as
a joror in amurder trial."—Xew York Week
Xo Reward Offered.
"What do they mean by 'virtue is its own
reward?' "
"I suppose they mean that it is no use ad
vertising when it is lost."—Xew York Jour
Did the Right Thing.
Cleverlon—lf I had known that you were
going to call on me, old man, I would have
laid in some cigars.
Dashaway—l thought It was just as well
to take you by surprise.— Puck.
Tillie—Where did your brother get the diphtheria?
Billie —In the neck.
A Grand Opportunity.
A clergyman, upon introducing some new
hymn books to his flock, instructed his clerk
to give out the notice just before one of the
collec-ts. The clerk forgot, and instead read
out: "All those who have children that they
wish christened, let me know after the serv
ice. ''
The clergyman was very deaf, and added
''And I should like to add, for the benefit
of those who have none, that they may be
obtained in the vestry any day between 3
and 4, the ordinary little ones at 25 cents,
and the special ones, with red backs, at 35
Wheels Care Wheels.
"Yes," said the noted Homeopathic alien
ist, "we now cure insanity by teaching pa
tients how to ride the bicycle. '"Similis
similibus euraniur," you know, is the sub
lime motto of our school."
It was apparent that mental, disease had
received a severe upper cut In the breadbox.
—New York Press.
M* »
Miss Gotrox—Would you love a woman for her figure, Ix>rd Howmuch?
Liord Howmuch—lt would depend altogether upon the size of the figure.
•■'•;- t-ir''-. ,■;-- l;lß«cape.^:..- ;.-"-■" '• w i --\^.;,'
„ "Aren't you late in getting ' home from
Sunday aehpol, Bobby?" '.. ;<.".
I "Well, : I guess! There wm a man ,• therf
who made ■an ; all-day speech, ■ and ■ I ■ thought
he would never get out."
■ : ';who waa her* ,,,,..,.?:; ■- -J, ( ■ 'j;
"•' : "Aw, I . forgot l his name, :> but he was ■aa
•scaped . missionary."—Judge.'
~ s Romantic Old Man.
"Your father must have a very romantlo
disposition," said Maude to Mamie. -
"I don't think so," was the answer. "Hl«
mind ia too much taken up with politics."
"I'm sure he must be poetical, though, or
he wouldn't be so fond of nature."
"What gave you the Idea that he was fond
of nature?"
"A remark that my father made. He said
that your father was always hollering befor*
he got out of the woods, and that whenever
he went. on the stump he was sure to be
found up a tree sooner or later."—Washing
ton Star. . v
, ■ — —^ag^— —
A Man Eater. .
Weary Trampum—D'yer know if they've got
a dog in there? . : .
'■' Dusty IJeers— ■ Fed ■ him myself last
week.—Truth. X, '
B m
' The Preliminaries.' ; j JjJT
She—ls my hat on -straight?; -.'.'-."■ • •; '$■
He—Yes. Is my-necktieup behind?.
She— -..,- .--;--,-_ C,-
—Then I suppose we may venture out.-"
Life. ..;r,/■:,-;,;; '
... - . ..... • ■ .- •.
Tom Barry—l don't see and sense In
girls kissing each other. Now, you hate that
girl you Just kissed. .
Prudence—You bet I do; but Just see how >
the freckles show where I kissed the pow
der off.—Life. •;=•. : io. -i.v-, •.:•
■ ~"—: * ■—-
A \i'.rrt»\v Escfipe.
Rev. Dr. Primrose—This is the first time
I've seen you in church in over a year. Sam
bo. I'm glad you have reformed this blessed
Thanksgiving season.
Sambo—Yes, sah, I'se feel thankful to da
Lord that he didn't let dat spring-gun go off
las' night.—New York World.
———•: — : —- •
Tlie Similarity.
"Mr. Chalkley Waters, the retired. milk- .
man, reminds me of the whale that swallowed
Jonah." ■'!,-"
"How's that?" - >
"Because he got a profit out of the water. *•--.'■
—Washington ■ Times.

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