Newspaper Page Text
& "STANDARD" BREVITIES. The young gentleman who flew into a passion has had his •wings clipped. The following words, if spelt backward or forward, are the same: "Name no one man." -1'•. "Those who use our goods are very much attached to them," is what, a porous plaster company advertises. "What a beautiful form!" exclaimed Miss Titelace the first time she saw an eel "such a long, thin waist, you know." \!A new gas meter just invented is called the -'George Washington". This is re fined satire boiled down ana strained through silk. Afc a cheap country boardiug-house:— "You never get fresh butter in the city, do you?" "Well, no but it's never quite as old as this." "Why are you going into that dry goods shop when there are so many pretty girls on the street?1' "My dear boy, I find counter attrac tions in there." "Hurry up, Tom! There goes the dinner bell,'' Baid one boarder to an other. "Tbey ought to call it the chestnut bell this house. It always rings for the same old thing—hash." "This miserable editor! I sent him a poem of ten stansas, saying that tiie last four stanzas might be omitted without injuring the sense. He returns it with the remark, 'So may the first six.'' "What makes that girl walk so funny inquired l)e Smyr 1e of Browne. "Is she intoxicated?'' "Oh, no she's not intoxicated," said Browne, "it's only her shoes that are tight." They call a mar. in Congress A Rebel or a "fault, Imposter. upstart, vandal, A beja trar or a crank They slip these extras in. As a sort of mild digression. And apologize next day For the warmth of their expression. Now is the time when the hunter takes his way to the grove and the meadow and spends a day in seeking game and is made game of himself by his wife when he returns at night with a sparrow and a crow blackbird as the result of his prowess. But he has lots of fun never theless. A certain witty clergyman was ex tremely apt at checking those who were fond of caviling at the meaning of differ ent texts of Scripture. On being asked one day what was to be understood by the expression, "He clothed himself with curses as with a garment." "The clear est thing in the world," replied the doc tor, '"the man had a habit of swearing." A little girl of three years noticing the ligKtning for the first time, came rushing to her mamma crying, "Oh, mamma! did you see the sun flying by?" The same little girl asked for some plums for luncheon on being told there were none, she stopped a moment, then said: "Oh! yes there are, for the plumb ers were here yesterday." A costly error:—".Do you hire college dudes to wait on the table at this house?'' asked an elderly gentleman as he step ped up to the desk of one of our summer hotels. "Well, yes, we do, but I'm afraid you're a little too aged to come uuder that head." The clerk saw he had made a mistake when he glanced at the afternoon paper and saw that the Hon. Josiah Jumper and seven daughters reg istered at the rival hotel. "Gracious, Mr. Dusenberry! What was that noise iu the next room?'' "Mrs. Brown's baby fell out of bed, I suspect. It's a lucky thing if it did." "Why so?" "It's a popular superstition, you know, that if a baby tumbles out of bed it will never turn out a fool." Mrs. Dusenberry (after a painful pause), "do you know what I think?" "What my dear?" "That it's a great pity you didn't fall out of bed when you were a baby." Jones—Ha! old fellow, how aie you? Just heard that you had gone into the newspaper business. Smith—Yes. Just bought a country paper. Jones—Glad to hear it, old man. Hope you will succeed. Where is your office situated? Smith—Why, right here in the sub urb? Jones—That so? Good enough. Why, I gness you can give me an occasional puff, then. Smith—Certainly. What are you busy with now? Jones—I'm in the clothing business- ready-made clothing. Smith—Ha! Then I guess you can give me an occasional pair of pants, then. Jones—Well, I dunno about that. It costs money to manufacture clothing, you know. Smith—That'strue,andit costs nothing to manufacture newspapers. 'wi'V'/ Then they parted. SSI#/', '/b Sit-U-f AjtLMJilGK. ^)E WORLD AT LARGE, More massacres of Christian in Ton quin. Crows stole 430 Piegan horses in Mon tana. King Milan, of Servia, will open the Skupt-schina on Oct. 16. There was it $10,000 fire at the Des Mornea soap works Tuesday night. Gen. Miles says Gerouimo's sorrender was entirely unconditional. Tammany Hall has put up Abram S. Hewitt for mayor of New York. The Beckon & Marshall Carpet Com pany of St. Louis has failed for $70,000. Frank Hoilister, Independence, Mich., is in jail for shooting a neighbor in a duel. The supreme court is in session at Washington with over 1,000 cases on the docket, Jake Blount, one of the old James and Younger gang, was shot Tuesday at Leadville. Burke Fairchild, aged 60, Mineral Point, Wis. killed his wife and •wounded himself. I 1 Four hundred head of young cattle from Fayette, Iowa, were quarantined at Livingstone, Mont. John Boyd, the murderer of W. B. Johnson, of Rockford, Mich., was sen tenced to prison for life. Henry George addressed an immeuse meeting Tuesday night. He said New York needed home rule. Bear Admiral Edward T. Nichols died! at Pomfret, Conn., Tuesday afternoon, I Ttio Adventure of a Plucky Texas Judge witli a Heavy Villain. alter a short itlness. [Fort Worth (Tej..) Gazette.] The Sew Orleans exposition has been allowed to export it^ pictures free be cause it is bankrupt. A. correspondent of a London news organisation has been expelled from Bulgaria by the order of the Bulgarian government. A commission has been appointed to collect evidence in the Colin Camp bell divorce suit which comes up at London next term. The British troop ship Tvne is stranded near Sheerness. All eft or' float lier have failed. A heavy gale in blowing and the vessel is in a dangerous situation. Gen. Kaulbars has arrived at Varna. He was received at the station by a pro Russian deputation, which greeted him with cheers. Subsequently he pi'o ceeded to the Russian consulate, which was surrounded by a threatening crowd. It was necessary to place a military pa trol at the consulate to protect it. A duel with swords has been fought between M. Bauer, editor of the Paris Echo, and Count Dion, a well-known flaneur. The trouble was caused by comments on Count Dion's coming marriage with an actress of the Theatre Francaise. M. Bauer was wounded in the arm. Uliurcli Heroes. The Catholic Church is ever fruitful of true heroes willing to sacrifice much and to endure much for the love of God and the salvation of souls, and ready to lay down their lives for the faith. It is related that during the recent mas sacres in China, foreseeing the coming danger, Father Terrace, of Yunnan, where he had lived for nine years, gathered his little flock within his house, administered to them the sacra ments, atid calmly awaited the worst. When the rabble begau to batter in his door he opened it and addressed them "Here am I to answer for all." He answered with his life. In Tongking, Father Bediet saw a number of liis converts beheaded, and shared their fate. Father Chatelet was less accom odating. He refused to go to the block. "It you want my head," said he, "come and take it.'' He was cut down where he stood. "What is more awful to contemplate," said a lecturer, glaring about him, "than the relentless power of the Maelstrom?'' Aud a hen-pecked-looking man in the rear of the building softly replied: ,'"Fe milestrom." r,^ 1#.^^ sat FACT AND FICTION. Good Stories »f the Present Day Keporte# from all Parts of-the Country. THK. "Lth" is what the next Congreai will be somewhat awkwardly styled. Two POLICEMEN have been discharged in Cincinnati because they could neithe* read nor write. A PHILADELPHIA newspaper man ha« been arrested for being out after twalv« o'clock at night WILLIAM FABKSWOKTH. of Washington, N. H., has a tame hen-hawk that lives peaceably with his flock of chickens. IN New York a careless handler of the whip has been made to pay forty dollars for bespattering and ruining a lady's dross. JOHN C'OOLEY, of Watarbury. Conn., has a horse which becomes so frightened dui ing a thunder-storm that' it cries like a child. .. PKOF. J. H. MILLER, of Cuthbert, Ga., has a salt- stand which has been in pos session of his family for one hundred and sixteen years. A CURIOUS animal of the cat species is owned by a Philadelphia family. It has no claws or tail, and the hind- legs are consid erably longer than the fore ones. A DANBCHT (Conn.) family having all been ill after a fish dinner, it was con cluded that the fish were poisoned by dye stuffs in the Still river, where they were caught. A CITIZEN of Norwich has a beautiful pec rattlesnake with a sage green head and finely marked body. He handles her feui* lessly, but a rat that she struck the other day died in twelve minutes. I A EUCALYPTUS tree fifty feet from a well in Alameda CoiVaty, Cal., sent two roots through the brick wall of the welt fifteen feet below the surface, and completely covered the bottom with a mat of fibers. IN a skirmish during the war of the re bellion Augustus Penney, a Maine soldier, lost a finger, and afterward wrote a rbym iug description of the affair to his wife. In lieu of other evidence, these rhymes have been accepted at the Pension Office as proof of Augustus' right of pension. MKS. BUCKFOKD, of Hampton, Va., was recently in a stage coach in California when it was stopped by highwaymen. She wore large solitaire diamond ear-rings. A passenger by her side jerked one out of her oar and put it in his m'outh, and she did the same with the other, and thus both were saved from the robbers. Her ear: were both cut somewhat. NINETEEN years ago a man in Du Bois, I Pa., lost his voice so that he could spealr only in a whisper. A year ago he hurt his arm. and since then has occasionally found ROBBED BY HIS HOST. Illo other night a Gazette man, while perambulating the platforms of the Union depot, fell in with Judge Dickerson, the worthy and popular county judge of Hen derson County, ancl was told, of a little personal ad Feature of a rather interesting nature. Judge Dickerson recently went to Jack County to coliect some school land money due his county. Wednesday nigbfc be stopped at the house of a man named WiJson, about four miles west of Willow Point, in Jack County. During the night he awakened from some cause, aud, his 1 V4 THE IRISH STANDARD: SATURDAY, OCTOBER 16, 1886. astonishment found that his watch, a very fine one, and several hundred ool« lars in money were missintr. Hurrying into his clothes, the judge ran out to the gate, where two men were sitting on horseback. One of these ran. oil and the other was about to follow suit, but the judge grabbed the bridle and pulled him from his horse. A fight ensued between the robber and the robbed, in which the latter got the best of his opponent, who took to his heels to save himself. It was a tight race, but Judge Dickerson finally came up with the thief and this time dealt him a sting ing bio- liat laid him out. Dragging tho .. jit to the house, he procured a f.-uce of rope and, unaided, tied him band and foot. But while bending over him to fasten the knots he made an amazing dis covery. The thief whom the darkness had hitherto prevented hini from recognizing was none other than the owner of the house where he had put up for the night. This, however, did not prevent our plucky official from doing his whole duty. A search was made and the stolen money was found in the pockets of the villainous host. Tha watch was afterward discovered near the gate, where he had thrown it down in the first struggle. The next day Judge Dickerson completed his part in the little drama by turning over the heavy villain to the sheriff of the county, and the sunlight now reaches him through the bars of the bastile at Jacksboro. ARCHITECTURAL SCHEME. How ail Enterprising Chicagoan l*ro« poses to Dispose of tlie Dead* (Chicago Letter.]: Frederick Baumann, the architect, has submitted to Health Commissioner Da Wolf a gigantic aud decidedly novel plan for disposing of the dead of Chicago in a manner neither expensive or calculated to injure t&e health of the liviug. The inven tor claimed that cremation had not yet be come sufficiently popular for general adop tion, and the cemeteries around Chicago were already too numerous, and filling up too rapidly for public healthfulness, and some thing must be done- to meet the emergency. He therefore proposed to erect a moa ster edifice resembling the ancient tower of Babel, with a gradual ascending stair way, and which might be carried to any height that was desirable, from twenty five to fifty stories. The structure should be architecturally beautiful and classic ia design, and built of solid masonry. Thou sands of vaults could be arranged in thi3 building, which could be sold or rented to parties for single interment, or for. the ac commodation of families. The walls of each department were to be of stone, with ornamental entrances, and the entire build ing to be hollow to the sky. Afc all times a huge fire was to be kept burning in the basement of thrs hollow cen ter. which would effectually destroy all th« poisonous vapors and gases which aros* from the process of human decomposition. All that Was required to carry out the scheme, claimed the enthusiastic invent or, was an act of incorporation and half a million dollars, and then Chicago coald vie with. Egypt in the magnificence and colossal character of her pyramidal mau soleums. tw. relief from the pain by placing it on a large driving belt that generated cousio'er- We're neither knaves nor criminals, O Lord of able electricity. Recently while doing so the hosts divine his voice suddenly and completely returned Yet, if we could see thy lightnings strike his and has since been good. ftS jW AEOHBISEOJf uuiililGAlT. AN IRISH HrVOOATIOXf. AVe do not ask thee. Lord divine, for a phalanx of an ire. I liosts, To sweep like chatr in a whirlwind the enemy from our coasts We raise notour eyes to the upper spheres— praying- as best we may For a grift of Krupps from the planet Mars, or shot from the Milky way: No Snyders fall with the falling stars no bombs come raimnjr down, When we need them most to turn a throne, oi shattet a tyrant's crown. Grain is for hi in who sows the seed ore is for for fiiio who delves: Providence lenrteth a hand to those who learn to help themselves. Wo would not ask thee, Lord supreme, to changc one sole decree Thy wisdom framed—to give a land to pariaha such as we I ifet, blame- us not if we would advise a close :in the ruthless reign Whose iron chains clank 'round the limbs of our brathron|f erthe maiii Whose burning fires consume the hearts aud hopes of a groaning' race. And wrap men's souls in the putrid flames of serfdom and disgrace: Whose steel hath-crushed, a myriad clanB for the "crime—•if crime it.be— Of a dauntless faith in the sacred rights of human liberty! ciuisers o'er the brine, Anfi if we could see his cities razed to ashes— one .by one— With fires, whoso glow' would laugh to shame the splendors of tiio sua And if we could see the Cossacks spit upon bis trempled frame, And rend bis flaw', and shatter its staff with scimitars of flame. Oh, Ave could' not rfhed one pitying (ear, nor breathe one sincere, siffh For the foes whose crimes are writ vrHt. blood upon the earth and sky! We're neither cold nor callous, O Lord! yet lo! if the Indians s.njfrht To wreak rtvenpe lor all- "the lust and terrible deeds be wrought By the Ganges lands, in Cashmere's vales, in jungle and iu dell, And smote the vile wrecker in his cave—the devil in his hell 11' Kaffir brands and Moslem hands, the Egypt ians aad Burmese Made ducks and drakes of his ill-got st oils and graves of his boundless seas. We dare nor curse—Oh! we could not ourse the honest wrath that starts To smite the wronger— bubbling up from wronged raid outraged hearts! O Lord! let the Kaiilr do his best!—permit tho Moslem men To scourffe.the robber for his theit—the sinner for his sin And o'er the Afghan plains and hills—far as the eye can scan Lord speed and hasten iu its march the Russian caravan! And nerve the Cossack arm to strike, and bless the valiant Boer, And let revenge in India's heart rush seething to the core! For us, Oiord! the Nemesis that strike a das tard foe Would be an ample recompense for centuries of woe I —Eugene Davis in Chicago Citizen. "Is your son studying the languages?" inquired the visitor of Mrs. Bentley, whose son George was at college. "Oh, ves,''Mrs. Bentley replied, "it was only yesterday that he writ home for money to buy a German student lamp and a French clock." Gen. Diaz. President of Mexieo, says that during the late attempt to estab lish an empire ip Mexico, Marshall Bazaine offered to place iu his hands the towus occupied by the French, and to surrender Maximilian. The following congressional nomina tions were made Tuesday, all in Mass achusetts—Fifth district, Eepublicsn,E. D. Hayden Seventh district, Democrat ic, James H. French Seventh district, Fusionist. Eev. Willard Spaulding. Different Kinds of Harps. Our ancestors possessed four kinds of harps—the Clarsech, or common harp the Ceirnin, or small religious harp the Cinnard Crnit, or high-headtd harp, and the Crom Cruit, or down bending harp. The first was that used by the bards and the harpers, and is the Irish harp, properly so-called the sec ond, more exclusively clerical, probably accompanied Druidicai as later Chris tian hymus. JAMES V. McHUGH, Of the Firm of GRETHEN & McHUGH, Attorney-at-L aw, 49 WASHINGTON AVE. S..- —THE I V? I£F IRISH STANDAR A2T Irish-American Family Jourm THE IKISH [STANDARD since its first issue has had a marvellous growth, and the indications are that its future progress will still be more phenomenal. Its subscription lists are daily growing larger its influence is making itself more widely felt, and it is universally recog nized now as the leading Irish-American paper of the West Thousands of its readers and scores of its exchanges have repeatedly stated this fact, and its management flatter them selves that THE IRISH STANDARD is one of the best papers of its class printed in the English language. Its editorials arc always crisp and opportune, its political articles and paragraphs pointed and pungent, its Catholic information authentic and recent, its Irish news compre hensive and reliable, while it presents features that are adapted to every reader's taste. Ireland is malting history every day that passes now, and it is the duly of the Irish American people to acquaint themselves tully with the story of this memorable and mo mentous period of her existence. In no better way can they do this than by reading THK IRISH STANDARD, which presents every week a care fully-prepared "umiir.H'y of the progress oi Irish nationii.l cause who3e editorials on the national question are everywhere commended, and whose aim is to foster the growth of the national spirit in Irish-American hearts, and ^hus hasten the day when Ireland shall again take her place among the nations of the earth. While paying especial attention to Jrish Amerieau matters. Tub IKISH TAI5DAHInever allows any matter oX public interest to escape its observation, and it pays particular attention to the interests of the laboring classes, in whom it recognizes thebrawa and sinew, the hope and promise of this couwtry. Thoroughly Catholic intone, it does not obtrude its religious pre ferences, liut stands always ready to defend its belief. The- duty of Catholic paients to pro vide their children with good, wboiesome Catholic reading, and the obligations Catho lics in gonerf.i are und^-r of supporting their own press, have been so often and so forcibly Elated by Cittholie councils and pastors that there is no necessity of repeating them here, The late Baltimore Council was very explicit on this matter, aud tlie veteran and veiiiTable Father Daroeu, the distinguished Jesuit, sn. "The Catholic pre* is a power for CV.lhosle.ity. and every Cat hi .lie worthy of tin a\ao sb-nild support it. Therefore, gel CaiIK'ie pyper into your house, and you sons and d:i ugh I ers, by oerusing it, will become bitter citizens aw" better Catholics." Knowing that ours is one of the very best Catholic papers published, and being desirous ad liag to its constantly Inereasiii^ patron age, and of making its influence more widely felt, and its worth still hotter known, the pub lisher trusts that it will receive npprobation. iil 1mpe that its readers will kindly show it to their triemls and acquaintances with a view of inducing those individuals to become regular subscribers to it. I TEBMS-P08TAGE PEF.S. One ye«ir §2 00 iix months I 00 1'fcree months 50 Any person getting up a club of ten will re ceive a copy free. TIIE IRISH STANDARD will be mailed to Ire laud, England, Scotland and Wales at per year. Remit by check, money order or postal note to THE IRISH STANDARD, •12 Third Street South, Minneapolis, Minn. Agents wanted in every city and .•town, to whom liberal terms will be given. Minneapolis Produce. MINNEAPOLIS. Oct 15. "WITn:AT—No1hardat TO^c bid Oct. No 1 northern 68c bid for Oct. CORN—Sales light 8B@38c, according to con dition. Fr^oun—Minneapolis patents, in sack3, to local dealers,?! 60@4 70 :for shipment in sacks.carlots, 84 2Q(&4- -W in barrels,*450f§i4 60 delivered at New Enfflnnd points,5oO©523 at Clew Vnrlr points. •24 8'J®4 80 ryeflcur, pure, nominal at $1 7.r@2 per 100 lbs, and buckwheat. $4Si5 per bbl. BRAN—HeM at 700®7-25 in bulk. SHORTS—Bulk, 7 25. OATS—No 2 white selling at 24@26C on track. The range of sample sales is from 23® 28c ot. RYE—Nominalat 42@15c for Nos 2 and 8. Harvey—Quiet at from 40®46e for Nos 2 and hiSMSAL—Coarse, city, 14 00®$14 50, deliv ered in lots of a ton or more. MIXED 1'ERD—Good southern ciuiet at 14 00® 16 75 on track and to arrive city ground. $15 00@ 16 25 for choice, delivered in lots of a ton or more. HAT—.Receiptsmoderate market steady and quiet prices steady choice sold at 87 75@8 00 a a S 4 0 0 0 0 0 OATMEAL—Steel cut, $2 3r@S3 per half bbl. BOTTEU—In job lots: Fancy creamery, 25c extra firsts, 16® 18c dairy, fancy ,20@22c dairy, seconds, 14@15c dairy, thirds, £@9c. packing etock. 4@5c jrrease. 2®2J^c. DBI&SED MEATS—Prices for well dressed: Eeef.hindqu's.6&@8 Hams, city 9@11 Countrydres'd.5 @6 Hams, country 7@ 8 Sides,citydre'd.o faWj^Breaklaet bacon.. 9@11 Country dres'd.4!i@5 jShouldera 5® 6 Fore quarters. 3 @4 l&ides.....:.......... Veal, choice... 8 @10 Mutton, city Dressed hog8..4J4@4^iMutton, country Eoas—Strictly fresh, IS to 19c. mmywt am. I, Once More Only If You Intend to Spend'' Christmas IN THK Call at our passage now, up. FOR SALE- tk^'Wk office and secure before the price FOR AND UPWARDS, SSSF-'FREE OF OHAKGE. Genera! Northwestern Agents, Corner Third and Sibley Streets ST. PAUL. Ml INK. Finnesan 312 Hennepin Avenue, Lot between Twenty-ninth and Thirtieth, on Hurriet avenue only $1,250. Six lots on AldricJi avenue south, between Thirty-second and Thiny-third streets, full, size: only 3650 each. 1 lot, east front, corner Lyndale avenue aad Thirty-second street 81,050. 1 lot on Pleasant avenue, between Thirty-first and Thirty-seeond streets south, full size only $1,050. Fine foot lot on Nicollet avenue, be twron Twenty-llfth and Twenty-sixth streets,. $3,600. Fine lot on Ridgewood avenue. 100x217, for $7,000 H2'/2 fed on Oak Grove street at 125 per front foot. 2 lots on Fourth avenue south and Twenty ninth street at £1.250 each. a&Hootlotson Thirteenth avenue south and Thirty-fifth streets, east fronts, on corner, One 80 foot lot on Aldrich avenue, between. Fifth and Sixth avenues north. 82.500. 5 lots, cast front, on Fourteenth avenue* south, between Twenty-sixth and Twenty-sev enth streets, $1,150 each. 2 lots on Second, avenue south, between. Thirty-fifth and Thirty-sixth streets, for $1,100. 2 lots corner Fortieth and Fourth avenue south, 875 each. 2 lots, between Twenty-first and Twenty-sec ond, on Tenth avenue south each 1,600. FARMS, Wild Lands, Stocks, Etc. 1 SOLD FOR SMALL 4@ 5 .5@54 DOWN ft /-vf your goes JI DEALER IN resh and Salt E A S \NrO. 27-5 CEDAR AVENUE. A. P. IVfcCARRON, IPaixxter, House Painting, Graining und Kalson.ining OK short notice and I easouab.e rates. 37 South Sixth Street, Minneapolis. Dr. W. C. Wickings New York Dental Roams, Room ]\ro. 5, Mackey-Le^s Block*. 400 NICOLLET AYEXUE, MINNEAPOLIS. MINX. TAKE THE ET,EV ITOE.. 'ft ?fcC0. 8 east front 55-toot lots, corner Twenty-third, avenue norih and Si.\tti street. only $1,000. 2 iots on Park avenue, between Thirty-fifth and Ttiirt.y-Mxt'n street: each §1.000. 1 lot corqer Twenty-ninth street and Portland avenue, east front. Price, SI.500. 1 lot on Portland avenue, between Twenty- ninth and Thirtieth.* Price 1.8(0. 1 lot t0 feet front, in Lake of Isles addition, o». Franklin avenue ouly $1,500. 2 lot-: on Aldrich avenue, between Twenty fourth and Twenty-filth streets south, $1,500 each. 1. lot corner Twenty-sixth street and Eigh teenth avenue south: lot 58x127, only $1,500r east, front. 1 fine east front lot in Monroe Bro3 addition, 1 lot on Clinton avenue. letwecn Eighteenth and Nineteenth streets, $5,000. 08 feet, east side Mary Place, «t 8105 per from foot. r. vvv )Ma -'n H i-j. 3 For sale cheap or exchange -for vitjk Property. Houses and lpts mm.