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SIDE LIGHTS jt E-EII
It oosts nothing to be a gentle man. “He that is out of debt and hath a nickel in hie pocket is rich.” Judge Taft lost his voice in lowa but recovered it in Nebraska. The sun shines here tlie ‘same as elsewhere. While there’s life there’s “soap” —for some. The insects seem to be carrying tool chests around with them these “brown October days.” Jawbone is generally the princi pal bone of contention —blit not around here. The Go3sipers’ Gazette is filled to overflowing here the same as elsewhere. Pessimists get nowhere. Opti mists get somewhere —even tho it be in jail. No matter who’s elected Presi dent Thanksgiving and Christmas will arrive on time as usual. Fame is generally posthumous. Notoriety is cashable while one’s alive. “Equality before the law”—in equality after the lawj has gotten in its deadly work. Good advice is cheap—and per haps that is why fso many gdisre gard it. A lot of political candidates will relapse into a state of “innocuous desuetude” after the election. A fellow •whispered to me the other day: “Going to join the Cir cle?” lam in the circle now dear boy—the “home” circle The Independence League is the most dependent ofjali the part ies. It depends upon one man for its “wind and ink” and dough. Education is of little value un less combined with experience. *j I Experience is the best teacher —as it is the school of hard knocks. An old proverb runs something like* this: “He that is wise and knows not that he is wise is a fool —bat he that is wise and knows that he is wise is a wise man.” One of the bright guys here says he piuched a cash register once upon a time and when be opened it found a hairpin in it. He said he was so disgusted he took the thing right back. Garfield was a mule driver on the towpath of the Ohio canal — but that does not signify that it is necessary to go thru that course of employment in order to become President. Men and women have been known to destroy valuable things they could not use —simply to de prive others of the privilege of en joying them. Davy is in his element now. He carne into the sanctum the other day-aud inquired: “Where’s the high jigger?” Main squeeze or pipe will go, Davy—but not jig ger. There are no jiggers herea bouts. A young man going to school said: “What good’s an education? Linooln had only six months’ schooling.” Tes, but Lincoln was endowed with brains and possess ed the habit of application to duty not equaled by any man of his time. “Come up to the hospital and I’ll weigh you,” said Mr. L. When— at midnight? A henjn Sooth Berwick, Me., recently laid an egg measuring six and one-lialf inches one way and eight inches the other. The ques tion now arises, was the hen’s cackle in consonance with the size of the egg? Switzerland annually exports $10,000,000. worth of Swiss cheeze —chiefly to Ameiica. That prob ably explains where a good deal of the money of American saloon keepers goes. The author of Heliograms evi dently believes with Elbert Hub bard that lawyers are chiefly li censed robbers. Siug ho! for Carter—Carter — He “done” what he hadn’t “ar ter.” He is improving in looks While distributing books— And is growing smarter —smart- er. [Seven years more for that. Eh?] If all those who are out of jail that ought to be in were in—and all those who are in jail that ought to be out were out —how would the score stand? Here comes Mister Ronk Whose press goes honkety-honk. He works hard all day, At eve has nothing to say— But happy is Mister Onk. That whale story by Whaler will make us all “blubber” if be does not let up on living on stale boot leg leather. Boot-leg whiskey, tho, they say is all right. A fat man does not like to be called fatty—a slim man slim my— but a young fellow’ is always de lighted when addressed as “old man.” I said to one of the boys some time ago: “I am pleased to ob serve I am losing weight, judging from the slack in my trousers.” “Nonsense,” he replied, “your clothes are stretching.” Another fond hope punctured. A lot of highfalutin’ reputations of leading statesmen are being punctured this fall. The average man who goes into politics must pickle his reputation or it will him. Foraker, Bailey and Has kell are on the shelf—and the re turns are not all in yet. Carrie Natiou is a much mis understood and abused woman. She is not the rantankerous ter magant she is represented to be by the press. She is mild, meek, gentle and womanly and is prob ably the best versed biblical schol ar in the country. Our worthy librarian is not an agrarian, But he farms out papers Containing wild capers That are “raisehairian.” “I like salted peanuts,” said one of the prints. “When I’m out and want some I go up to the vending machine, break the glass, hold my hat and get it filled. Then I scoot. I never wait to take ttie pennies out of the box.” No wonder he’s sticking type in the prison print ery. Anyone who will swipe salt ed peanuts ought to get a life sen tence. Uncle John works in the store room, laundry and bathing pavil ion, waits on table, plays in the band, presides over the Chautau qua circle and cracks a smile once in a while with his eyelashes. Be sides he sees new comers safely in and old timers cheerfully out. Too much for the money, Uncle John, too much. Sy Haskell’* Wolf. ’Taint often I pose as au arthor, but these late doin’s of President Roosenfelt, a-caHiu’ everybuddy natur fakers, au’ mollycoddles, an’ sky poodles, has sure riled me up some. Now I’ve hed quite some experience in my time a ranch man, au’ a sojer au’ a statesman, an’ etcetery, etcetery, an’ when I tells of some of the tricks that I’ve seen real liveannymuls do, I ’spoee Roosenfelt will write a letter an’ say as how I otter be locked up, which is also somewhat like what the judge said some little time ago. But howsomever, I’m goin’ to tell you of the sagasaty of an ol’ he wolf 1 wunst hed sojxie experience with whilst herding reindeers on the cream of the range in the ice packs in Wyomin’. We usty herd them reindeers out on the ice fields duriu’ the day, an’ we’d drive ’em into the currel we hed down near Denver, every night. Now Denver in those days wuz badly invested with in jane, an’ populists an’ wolves, an’ other dangurons varmints, but everyone knows thet reindeers 'r the most peacebulest annymuls on yearth. Thet’s why we had to feed ’em on ice cream, an’ shurbut an’ sech stuff, becuz them deers wouldn’t eat ennything tbet hed life iu it, an’ they bein’ so peacebul, we hed to close herd ’em all day to keep the varmints from pesterin’ of ’em; consequenchally there wuz putty poor pickin’ on ’r range for thim varmints afore mentshuned, an’as thim ol’ guys usty say, we waxed fat an’ oppulence. But we reck onin’d without ’r hosts, for one day we nutussed thet the reindeers hed tuck to fightin’ amongst their selves, a thing herebefur unhearn of. Fur two or three days their fightin’ wuz not so danguroug, but one day we nutussed thet two deers wuz left behind bekuz they wuz so bad banged up they couldu’t walk, an’ from thet time on the fightin’ got more fiercer and more furiouser, as the referee would say, an’ some days there would be as menny as ten deers left behind, au’ the curiostiest thing of the hull thing wuz, there wouldu’t be a sign of enny of them damaged deers in the mornin’, wbeD we come back next day from the cur rel. Now here wuz a mystury wusser then the “hand writin’ on the wall” or the “Sign of the Four Hundred” or enny o’ thet kind o’ stuff, an’ etcetry, an’ etcetry. So we ups and sends a telegarph at wunst to Cronin Doyle an’ he sends out Shurluck Homes an’ the doctor with thur Chaldeen beads, an’ Plantagunt board an’ thur Basketful o* Hounds, an’ etcetry, an’ etcetry, an’ they goes to work on the case at wunst, or instanter es its said. Fur days an’ days they shadder ed them deers, but thur wuzzent a thing to show why they shud fight so much. They wuz gettin’ the same grade t>’ ice every day; they wuzzent, ’lowed to comingle with the pops er enny other con spiehus kt-rackturs. So Sherlock ups and says to me one day, “I’ll shake them deers an’ go to invest igashuuiu’ the range,” an’ the sec one day out he has discuvered a a most purtickulur clue. Shurluck sijys the range is visited every night by a tremenjus large wolf with one eye, lame in one leg, an’ a mighty great traveller. This sounds like Siwash to us, bat Shurluck explains it to us by say ing that the wolf is tremenjus, which is showi# by some of bis hairs found on the ice, which shows thet the wolf wuz nearly es big es a cow; and thet he is lame in one fut, beouz he fins where he hes set down to scratch hisself; an’ thet he wuz blind iu one eye, be coz the soenery hadn’t been look ed at uuly oue siae; aid tliet lie wuz a great traveller becuz he found granels o’ sand tbet unly comes from Arizonny an’ uther fnrrin ports, Now this unly makes things more mistiferous than ever, but Shurlpck ajures us to “bide awee me friends, an’ all will yet be well.” The next day Shurluck an’ the Dootor an’ the Basketful o’ Hounds lies disappeared an’ we don’t hear a word of ’em fur three days, an’ besides them deers ain’t a-fightiu’ es much es they wuz, but on the fourth day in comes Shurluck an’ the Doctor an’ the hull bunch a-carrying a big bushel basket, an’ tliet basket is plum filled up with a wolf’s head. Tliet wolf muster weighed et least 1,800 pounds. But the most amazzin’ thing wuz Shurluok’s account of the mystury. I will quote eggs tracks from his masterful report on the experdishion: Shurluck says: “We spotted the wolf on the first night out at 2:18 a. m. He wuz in the middle of the ice range an’ seemed ter be rubbin’ his face over the ice. He would go to a purtickular spot an’ tek sutthin’ in his mouth, an’ then go to a-rubbin’ his face along over the ice. Altho we wuz cun sidubul mistificied, I never changes from my regular systum of solving the mystery an’ captur in’ the culputs; so the Doctor an’ meself restrained areselves from shootin’ there an’ then. On the other hand, we did not disturb him, but waited until he had fin ished what seemed to be a regular incantashuns er relijue cermunny of Eome kind, an’ by which time it wuz just 4:28 a. m., when the wolf raised his head an’ let out one long howl, au’ started off to the south in a long swingin’ trot, with me an’ the Doctor a-close shadderin’ him. We left the ice range far behind, crost the Great Americun Dessert, an’ by sun up wuz in Arizonny, where abides the Bosco killers, an’ the tarantillars, an’ the centrifugulpedes, besides numurus poisunus an’ nefarious botanymus 6peeshus an’ etcetry, an’ etcetry. We reached the lon gitudinal of Arizonny about 9:15 a. m. an’ the wolf imejutely went to work a-diggin’ in the bowals of the yearth, an* every wunst in a while he would sulect sutthin’ an’ go an’ lay it in a pile. After a while he teks a look at the pile; seems satisfied with it, an’ goes over in the shade of a gigantical catkuss, an’ goes off into soronam bulistical dreams. I left Doc to watch the wolf while I exarains the pile, which I finds wuz com pussed of a stack of roots of some of the ajashunt botanymus speesh us. I sulects a few specymums, an’ goes back to Doc, when we re lays each uther fur the rest of the day with trips tomorfyhus. “On the following day at 8 a. m. the wolf arou«es hisself, picks up an ol’ gunny sack which we hedn’t heretofur nutussed, fills the same with his roots an’ heads fur the north agen on anuther tong swing in’ trot, with me an’ Doc a-olose shadderin’ him agen. But op the way up 1 comes to anuther de sist) un, an’ I drops off at Denver, an’ tells Doc to go on a shadderin’ the wolf which he duz. “In Denver I goes to a policy offioe kept by a man since elected to the slate senate, an’ I looks in his dream book an’ fines thet the Arizonny roots are the botanymus speeshus known as the Loco Weedicus; which the same bein’ applied internally (thet is taken thru the mouth) will change ihe most timmurus bovine into the most cnrragus carnivurra. A ©ot« ton tail rabbit properly dosed with Loco juice kiD lick a twelve poppd bob cat in a fourteen foot ring en ny day in the week, leastwise that's what the vivereection man says. Just as soon as I lied read this treatus on Loco juice, right then the lights were on an’ the mystury was solved. So I puts out es fast as I kin trevvel fur the ice range, where I finds Doc still shadderin’ the wolf; the latter is goin’ thru his same purformance as the night afore. But 1 gives the sign to Doc an’ we exterminits him, and remuves his head, which we hev herewith placed before you. “I examine the wolf’s mouth an’ fines it full of the roots, an’ it wuz just es I hfd expected. Thet wolf y’r see lied been rubbin’ thet Loco root into the ice every night, an’ in the morniu’ them innurcent deers would come an’ unsushpisb undly eat the ice fur their break fuss; then they becomes Locoed au’ goes to killin’ each other with out prevus inalus afurthought, es it is said. Then the next even’ the wolf would come an’ eat the dead and wunded deers, an’ when thet wuz dun he’d rub more Loco roots into the ice agen, an’ hike back to Arizonny fur his siester an’ more roots.” Now if thet ain’t human sagasa ty, I don’t want a cent, an’ if Roosenfelt calls me a natur faker I am here to prove it an’ kin show him where the wolf dug them roots. G. Poise. People who would attain ex quisite mental poise must dive be neath the white caps and the waves on the surface of thought, down into the depths of their be ings, where there is eternal’ calm which no mental tempest can dis turb. A perfectly poised miud must be in frequent communication with the divine. Dwelling upon human qualities will never bring that perfect mental balance, that divine serenity which makes mere physical beauty unattractive in comparison. There is a sweetness, a ripeness, a divine something about a serene mind which eludes analysis, but which we all feel. No wealth can compare with the benign, satisfy ing influence which radiates from an exquisitely poised personality, Borne of our best observations are built upon mountain tops so that the great lens which sweeps the heavens may not be obscured by the dust, the dirt, the mists floating in the atmosphere. In order to shut out the din, the terrible noises which distract the mind, in order to shut out the thousand and one disturbing in fluences in our strenuous life, the things which warp and twist and distort us, it is necessary to rise into the higher realm of thought and feeling, where we can breathe a purer air, get in closer touch with the divine. Success Maga zine. Au eastern soap manufacturer used t) advertise that his soap was pure enough to eat One day he received a letter from a far-off place reading as follows: “1 at© one cake of your famous soap and • it cleaned me out.” After that the manufacturer ceased advertising hie soap bs pure enough to eat. He was evidently afraid some one else might accept the statement literally—eat a cake and croak— and then put him out of business. “Have you,” asked the judge of a recently convicted man, “any thing to offer the court before sentence is passed?” “No, your' honor,” replied the prisoner, “my lawyer took my last farthing.”—London Titbits. People seldom improve when they have no model but them selves to copy after.—Goldsmith.