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Gilbert Bays sume fellows ‘‘fly funny” and tljere ’ 8 110 tel,ing where they 11 land. Capt. Alexander says he has ev erything pickled in cans except choice bits of conversation. “I swallowed a“ cud of tobacco by mistake,” said a neighbor. “It’s chew bad,” was the solacing rejoinder. Zim— “Captain, did you get one of my last lithographs?” Captain Whelan—“ Yes, Zim—it’s a very good likeness. Webb says: “I’ve ketched ev ery bug in the place except one and I expect to lasso him behind the ears before long.” “They may have hot buns over at the new place but we have hot turnovers here when the Judge gets after us at court,” said one of the wise denizens. “Bin up to court ag’in?” an offi cer asked one of the laddiebucks. “Yes,” he replied. “I wanted to hear ’the musical voice of the Judge for a change.” That prince of good fellows, Mr. C. R. H„ says he has concluded to remain in “our midst,” practicing as a legal tribune of the elect here for about seven more months. Brigham Young, jr., who is here for a short stay says every day seems a century to him he s so anxious to join wife number two who has stuck to him like glue. “Every time the chief engineer comes over there’s a Schatz-en fest,” said one of the prints. “If he would only put a new floor in the place all would be forgiven, he continued. Guard Goldsmith is always hap py when he acts as assistant post master and has a good bunch of mail for the boys in the print shop. Said one of the prints: “May he live long ur.d brosper.” ‘•No, I don’t believe I can trace my lineage back to Alexander the Great,” said Captain Alexander. Don’t let that worry you, Captain Any public biographer will do that for you for $50.00 and furnish certified copies of public records. Old Hutch was in the printery recently doing an artistic 30b of whitewashing. Here is one of his bon mots: “I was one of only four to escape from the redskins at the Custer massacre in 1876 —only to fall into this. Kickapoo—bow wow —b-r-r- r-o-o-w!” The golden-haired plumber was observed coming down the ave tnue the other day with a lighted lantern. “There goes Diogenes looking for an honest man,’ ob served one of tlie boys. “Yes, he s in the right pew but in the wrong church.” Mahvelous! Powers says he would like a job pulling alfalfa out of the faces of some of the Indians he knows around here. He says Etid does not dare to do the pulling act. The second baiber says lie’s used to scraping hogs so that he is available in any emergency. Davy says: “I kain’t trust no body ’roun’ here except the Ward en. Whenever I get a piece of cake or some candy some one swipes it. Of course, senator, (bowing very low) I’d trust you with anything except my best girl.” Thank you, Davy—but as before said—keep your shiny eye peeled for the Nigertoebitumis. Jo-Jo, like his predecessor, is baldheaded, but he says it is due to early piety and being patted on the cfanium by his best girl. l)i. Woods Hutchinson, the famous physician, says baldness is a dis tinction and he inclines to the old theory that the hair is pushed out by excessive brains. The whirligig of time makes changes. A certain party here has enjoyed tile unctuous satis faction of seeing the prosecuting attorney who sent him here join him in the ranks of the detained and the other day the sheriff who brought him here walked in for a stay of two and one-half years. Zim has closed his theatrical season in a blaze of glory. Con sidering everything he has done very well. Of course there are al ways a few kickers but they will have an opportunity of seeing the great professional artists when they return to private life after having rendezvoused here as the wards of the commonwealth. In the meantime give Zim credit for having put up some very credit able home talent productions. “No,” said the colored snare drummer boy, “I never whimper when I fall into the third grade. I console myself with the thought that there is not a fourth grade or I might tumble into that. I be lieve with the philosopher things are not so bad but what they might be worse —and I have the consolation of knowing that any way I can play a snare drum to the entire satisfaction of our emi nent leader—Prof. Burchard.” A philosopher come to judgment. “What’s the matter with yon?’ asked Dr. Stebbins. “I am spache less —” “What’s that?” “Isay! am spacheless whin I ought to be spacheful —and spacheful whin I ought to be spacheless.” “Oh,” said the Doctor, “you are unable to properly gauge the situation with reference to the proximity of a guard.” “That’s it—tl tf mt’s it— Doctor.” “Well, the only thing that will help you is a strict in terpretation of the rules and reg ulations —pills won’t do you any good.” Moike says simplified punctu tion is here. The oldtime rules of grammar are being changed. Take the following from an old book: “I, too, believe, as does General Jackson, that, in the event of hos tilities, a large force, properly aimed, and well equipped, should, without delay, and, in my opinion, with all possible decision, and dispatch, be pushed forward, rap idly, and without loss of time, to drive out the enemy.” Every comma used in the above sen tence may be eliminated without danger of improperly punctuating it. In addition to simpler spell- ing has come the elimination of hyphenated words and the unifi cation of two separate words into one as the following for example: oversensitive, twentyfirst, today, and the like. Simplified spelling comes by slow process. Forty years ago frenzy was spelled phrensy and phrenzy. Sulphur is spelled sulfur by many leading writers. Simplified or phonetic Spelling will require many years to make much headway —but will probably come along gradually in the future as in the past. Sim plified punctuation is being used by the newspapers and it will not be long before the educational faculties of the world will adopt it. No doubt that’s what Moike meaut to convey in his article on punc tuation. An Irish Bandies Story. While down in the Black Creek' coal country I became acquainted with a typical son from Erin’s Isle, whose name was Mike Shan non. Mike was a gieat story teller and never lost a chance of telling one. He always took the hero’s part and ulways came out on top. One night after the night shift had gone to work some one asked Mike if lie believed in ghosts. “Shure and that I do,” replied Mike, “and shure the first money I ever earned was thru one of them. ’Twas like thie: Myself and partner O’Brien were pros pecting out in Colorado and at the close of day we came in sight of a deserted cabin. Not wishing to go any further that night we decided to stop at the cabin until morning. There was an upstairs to the cabin and two rooms down stairs. The only things in the house were an old stove and a bed. O’Brien and I laid out our stuff and after making a cup of coffee spread our blankets on the bed and retired for the night, thinking we were mighty lucky to strike such a place. “We had tramped a good deal during the day so were tired and soon fell asleep. All of a sudden I got a slap on the side of my head which soon woke me up. I felt the place still smaiting and was sure it was no dream. O Brien was sound asleep. At first I thought he was playing tricks on me. I lay there a few minutes when all of a sudden O Brien jumped up in bed and said, ‘what the divel did you hit me for?’ “‘Shure,’ says I, ‘never a crack did 1 give you.’ “‘Then,’ says O’Brien, ‘the place is haunted.’ “To make sure we took hold of each other’s hands and in a few minutes both of us received a whack on the head. I jumped out of bed and taking a light went all thru the house but found nothing unusual. I finally went back to bed and just as I was getting asleep the blanket was jerked off of u«. ‘Cut that out now, says O’Brien, ‘or I’ll make you look like a ghost.’ “Of course I had nothing to do with it, and holding hands the same as before the same thing happened again, and something more not on the bill. Looking toward the stairs we saw the skel eton of a man coming toward us. This was too much for O’Brien and with a few jumps he lands on the outside, leaving me alone with the ghost. The ghost asked me what I was doing in the house and told me to leave and that if I re mained there three nights I would be a dead man. He said his broth er was mnrdered in there and'that he was keeping watch over his bones. “Shure,” said Mike, “’twas the first ghost I ever heard talk and I never was afraid of anything that could talk. I told him 1 would not leave until I got ready. Holy murther, when I told him that he jumped at me and with his bony feet and hands he liked to have killed me. “After giving me an awful beat ing he said, ‘if you are here to morrow night you will get a worse beating and on the third night if still here I will kill you.’ ‘“Why didn’t you follow him, Mike?’ some one asked. “Shure I did but never a trace did he leave. Well the next morning I reached a farm house and found O’Brien there. The man who owned the place asked me if I slept in the cabin over night. I told him I did and all that bad taken place. He said he could sell the house for a large sum if he could find some onewh«* would remain in the house for three nights. He said he would give SSOO. to any one who would undertake the job. ‘l’m your man,’ sez I. ‘Ghost or no ghost, I’ll stay.’ “Weil, the next night,” said Mike, “I was back at the cabin and had fixed up things for Mr. Ghost. I was sitting by the tire and at ex- actly twelve o’clock I heard a noise on the stairs —and sure enough there was the skeleton. Without a word the blackguaid started to beating me. ’Twas then I got up my Irish. I grabbed a club which I had brought along and made a swipe at the divil— but sure as my name is Mike Shannon the club went right thru him and ’twas just like striking the wind. After he had beaten me until I could hardly stand he said, ‘if you are here tomorrow night I will surely kill you so take warning.’ “I went back the third night, ’ said Mike, “and I was bound to solve the mystery. I bad a large pot of boiling water ready for the skeleton when he came that night. I was going to earn the money or die. Shure, I never done the man no harm and was pretty shure he would not kill me. Again at the same hour he appeared before me. He said: ‘They killed my brother —but I won’t kill you. I will give you something to remember the rest of your life —then I shall go back to where I came from.’ When he quit speaking he started in to beating me again. I grabbed the hot water and tried to throw it over him but got most of it myself. “To make a long story short 1 awoke the next morning outside the cabin door. I was bruised and scalded in bad shape and still carry the marks. I got this money and from then on the house was all right.” Mike always had a bright twin kle in his eye when telling these sto ries. “Once,” said Mike, “when I was a small boy 1 left my home and started for Dublin. Night overtook me and I lay down by the roadside to sleep. After a while two men came along and woke me up, telling me I must go along with them. They took my shoes and stockings away and said I could not use them in what they were going to make me do. Pretty soon we came to a grave yard around which, was a large stone nail. They placed me on top—then made me go into the yard o/er to the vault. One of them then said, ‘now boy, in that vault there is a woman who was placed in there today. On her fingers are three large diamoud rings. We want them and if you don’t get them we will kill you.’ They told me where the body was and after opening the door with a key they pushed me inside telling me to knock when I had the rings. There I was alone with the dead and not liking the company, I was | anxious to go out as soon as pos sible. I soon found the rings and after knocking on the door the two men opened it just a little and told me to hand out the rings. The fellow said: ‘You only got three—get the rest.’ He then shut the door, looked it and left me there alone. I was mighty scared and at once began planning how to get out. The old sexton used to come around every two hours, so I decided on the following plan. Shure if he caught me there I would be taken for a grave robber. So I took the woman out of the coffin and when I heard him coming I pouuded on the door and yelled with all my might. He opened the door, I threw the wo man at him and made my escape. It was now about four a. m. and I was tired, scared and hungry. I met a farmer who was going to town. He told me to go back to his house and tell his wife to feed me and rest myself until he came back from town. “When I reached the place and told the woman she would not let me in the house but tried to drive me away. I thought something was wrong and after going a short distance from the house I returned and looked thru the window. This is what I saw: A young fellow and the man’s wife at the table, and on the table stood a large bot tle of wine, a loaf of rye bread and a large piece of cheese. They were having a fine time while the old man was away. I heard the sounds of horses and wheels on the road and the others in the house heard them too. The wo man pushed the man iuto a small closet, put the cheese in the clock, the rye bread behind the door and the wine in the oven just as her husband came back. He had for- , gotten something. He saw me sitting on the porch and asked me why I did not do as he told me. I told him I had but his wife would not take me in. She said: ‘You know, John, I would never let a stranger in the house while you were away.’ “The man took me into the house and told his wife to make me a cup of tea and give me some nice white bread and meat. I told the man 1 only ate rye bread and cheese and only drank wiue. The woman looked daggers at me but I paid no attention to her. The man said: k Shure, what you spoke of is not within forty miles of here.’ Shure, I can produce ev erything light bore in this room. If you will open the clock you will find the cheese. He did so and found the cheese. Next I told him to look behind the door and he would find the rye bread which he did. Then I told him to fetch me the wine from the oven, which he also did. By this time his wife was almost in a fit. She was mak ing all kinds of signs at me to stop. The man was so surprised he did not know what to say. Fi nally he said, ‘what kind of a man are you? Or are you the divil himself?’ ‘No,’ says I, ‘but I can show you the divil.’ At this the woman nearly fainted. ‘l’ll show you the divil,’says I, not looking towaid his wife, ‘if you will prom ise to open all the doors and win dows and give him a chance to get away.’ “Sure,” said Mike, “I would have liked to see the man beat the divil out of the fellow in the closet, but seeing his wife was near to fainting I loft a chance for him to escape. After everything was ready I told him to open the closet door and he would see the divil. He opened the door and the fel low jumped at him and then thru the window and vanished in the woods around the house. If you don’t believe that man found a divil in his house I don t know what else you would call him. The farmer says it was and he is right. He took me to town the next day and fitted me out with a new suit and other things. And he be lieves to this day that the Banshee was in his house. A. F. B. Is to His Chest. The civil service medical exam iner gazed unfavorably at the di minutive Italian who was seeking a iiositiou on the police force. “What does your chest meas urer “Oh, about seventy inches.” “Impossible!” exclaimed the doctor in disgust. “Come down to my house an’ I show you!” “Can’t you show me here?” “No. I got ’im home full of clothes an’ stuff.” —Ex. No man was ever so much de ceived by another as by himself. —Greville.