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SIDE LIGHTS |S|EED
God sends meat and the Devil sends cooks. —John Taylor. A successful executive seldom leans ou hasbeens and wuzzers foi advice. In addition to liis other accom plishments Anglious is a'politician of no mean order. Ease and speed in doing a thing do not give work lasting solidity or exactness of beauty. Plutarch. The Duke of Oxford has joined the staff of regular contributors to The Mirror over the signature of A. R. “Yes,” said Butoh jr., “I am a warm customer. Sometimes I feel about 180 degrees hot. Vat you tink bout dat?” “Haven’t heard any more hollers from Heliograms lately about his corncob pipe,” said a feller. Corn cob pipes are mereshams, anyway,” he concluded. “Yaw,” said Davy, “cohse I like to see my name in print. Don t you leave me outen dem Side Lights or I will feel homesick.” Henoe the paragraph. Mr. Waldorf says he hopes some local impresario will put on an amateur performance before he leaves here so he and his sidekick ers can show the natives what they can do. A reward of a plug of tobacco is offered for the disclosure of the indentity of Yens Yenson. It looks like Anglicus was sending telegrams to himself —but he de nies it. Young Steady says: “Since I have been in The Mirror office I have become a new man. The at mosphere here is so different. It is not surcharged with sulphur or a bad odor. The Mirror makes old men young and young men strong.” Portirio Alexio Gonzolio says the shoe shop runner is a discrim inating “gent.” “Do you know,” inquired Porfiro, “that I am becom ing famous under my new cogno men? Well, it is a fact, sir. I am beginning to get over that grip feeling—or feeling for the grip that belongs to the other fellow.” Si Haskell will attempt to jump the hurdle for a parole at the next meeting of the Board of Control, it is said. Si has contributed to the “gaiety of nations” while here and his contributions to The Mir ror have been highly appreciated all around —especially by the read ers. There is nothing too good for the worthy, contrite of heart and proper mien. “Get ready to bathe,” said Guard Goldsmith to his bunch of summer resorters. “I can’t bathe —I can’t get my shoes off, y’r hon’r,” retorted a laddiebuck. “Get those shoes off damp quick,” replied the officer, “and be ready on time to bathe or I’ll give you grass gruel for supper.” The shoes came off —and the fellow took his punishment —in the foim of a bath. Heliograms was bemoaning his sad fate to the effect that he could not read all the good publi cations he received for a while be cause the oculist failed to show up with his ‘glims”—glawses. Try Mistah Ford’s plan—that of using ten cent speos. They nfever break. Not worth breaking. They beat the expensive “glims” all hollow. The saving in worry over not break ing them is worth several times the price of the costly ones. Never mind the looks—go in foi comfort and results. The other evening King Menelik, formerly the chef —was sitting on his home throne at Number 2, Aristocracy Avenue, with books, pencil, paper and slips of all kinds before him, wearing a puzzled look in addition to one or two other things. “What’s the news, Your Highness?” the soribe inquired. “Well, suh,” responded Menelik, “I’m greatly puzzled, suh. I oan’t make my assets and liabilities balance.” “You don’t want to make ’em balance,” was the re sponse. “You can only make them balance by adding your surplus to your liabilities.” “Well, in that case, suh,” replied King Menelik, “I am busted b’gosh—wuss ’n a | hickory nut split in two.” Sometime ago The Mirror quot ed Tailor Nelson to the effeot “that coats would ’be worn longer by some than by others.” This para graph is now making the rounds of the American press revamped in various forms. Human Life' in a late number plays on it in this way: “First lady—‘l see dresses will be worn longer now—by some than others.” “Second Lady — ‘Well, mine would have to be made of sheet iron to be worn longer.’ ” That is the substance of the story as remodeled in Human Life. The quotation of Tailor Nelson was original. Yes, The Mirror exchanges with the publi cation mentioned and is pleased to note that it observes a bon mot wherever it happens to be. The time is not far back when Elbert Hubbard in similar circumstances would have consumed quite a few sheets of paper in hollering, “I seen it fust,” or words to that effect. “Pshaw!” said Ez Cobb, a Ba kersville (Conn.) farmer and poul try financier, when he read about a hen owned by H. C. Spalding of Colebrook digging for her owner when he had the fishing fever. “That’s nothing. I’ve got some Rhode Island Reds that poisoned fish to death because the fish stole worms from ’em.” “But how did they do that?” demanded the incredulous listener. “I have a deep spring in an open lot,” replied Ez. “The fish I kept in it got so wise that they dug leir own worms. The earth at the edges of the spring had lots of worms and whenever the fish saw one crawling out of the ground they would jump out of the water and grab it. My Rhode Island Reds, in scratching about the spring, saw what the fish were do ing. “Now, what do you think those murderous hens did? They went to my potato patch, where I’d put paris green. They got their bills Hull of poison, went back to the spring washed their bills free of the paris green. I tried hard to get the poison out of the spring, but I was too late. It dissolved., Next morning all the fish were dead. “Now the hens have the worms and we don’t dare drink water from the spring. And some people say hens haven’t any brains!” — New York World. “What’s the matter with that chap going along over there? He walks like a spavined horse.” “Oh, that feller,” answered the party addressed, “is suffering from to matoitus —cauning one and. trying to eat two to eaoh one canned —but he cauned do it.” Who threw the brick? The Billboard is in great demand around here among the elect. “If it was a Boardbill no one would want it,” remarked a neighbor. Diamond Dust. By R. L. It is said that Cy Young is using the spit ball these days. After a tenday holdout ex-Tiger Claude Rostman reported to the ' irowns. Ty Cobb has succeeded Eddi 6 Colllius as swat king of the Amer ican League. Cole, a young outfielder purchas ed from the Wichita club is hit- ting and fielding like an oldtimer. With such sluggers as Crawford and Cobb any team in either league would be a factor iu the race. Major League hauls via the draft and purchase route amount to 805 players costing the big clubs $819,200.00. Pitcher Walter Johnson injured his salary wing at Cleveland and if reports are true may never go on the mound again. Many believe Hugh Duffy will pilot the White Sox next year re gardless of the denial made by President Chas. Comiskey. Sherwood Magee of the Quakers has been benohed for indifferent playing. He is said to be sore be cause the Donlin deal failed. Columbus has traded Billy Mo riarty to Louisville for Larry Quinlan. Both Clymer and Pietz claim the long end of the deal. Billy Hanna remarks, with all due credit to Archer’s throwing, he hasn’t yet convinced the fans he is Kling’s equal as a backstop > John Kling says he will be in the game again next season as manager of an Eastern club. John does not want to be forgot ten. The three best finds of the year are second basemen, namely: Col lins of the Athletics, Egan of Cin cinnati and Dots Miller of the Pirates. Clark Griffith sold southpaw Billy Campbell to Kansas City. Billy is back with the man who drove him to the outlaws a few years ago. Jawn McCloskey is the whole works in Milwaukee. Owner Have nor has annexed him for 1910. Jawn says he is very well satisfied with his Beerville position. Outfielder Harry Gessler is put ting up the best game of his big league career for Fred Lake’s Red Sox. Lake signed him when he was scout for Boston two years back. The veteran first baseman John Ganzle now manager of Rochester E. L. club is slated to succeed Harry Lumley as pilot of the Brooklyns. Harry has sure prov ed to be a false alarm as a man ager. In only one department of the game does Hans Wagner promise not to shine this season as form erly. The Flying Dutchman is not stealing as many bases this year having but about thirty to his credit to date and being far from leading the National League in this respect. President Ebbetts began the task of becoming owner of the Brooklyn Baseball Club twenty years ago when he was club sec retary and chief ticket seller. He says if it were not for the war of 1902-3 he would not have been able to accomplish his purpose. When competition was hottest the stockholders became alarmed and readily accepted his offer. He now holds seventy percent of the stock and intends to devote his time and money in providing a winner for the City of Churches. The Land of the Poets, -if -r LEAD ON, O LIGHT. Lead on, O light, guide us our way Along the narrow lane, Lest we, perehanoe, should go astray Toward the sinner’s plane. Lead on, O light, we hear the call— ’Tis ringing in our ears. Our burden then we can let fall, And wipe away the tears. Lead on, O light, the way is dark, A mist hangs o’er our eyes. A little light, a minute spark, Will help us to arise. Lead on, O light, we come, but slow, Let us be born again! Show us the path that we must go To make us better men. Lead on, O light, don’t wait or halt, Or else ’twill be too late. Show us our wrongs, aye, every fault— Lead us beyond the gate. —Acrobatus. I SUMMER’S FLED- Cj The skies are gray, the morning’s keen, jjj Whilst now and again a nose is seen nj That’s looking red. 0 From these and other signs’t would seem K That summer’s fled. jjj No longer now a need for ice, S Or cooling drinks, or sleepless nights— g* No need to swear. S This weather will brace your appetites jjj For winter fare. S No longer flowers of pleasing hue jjj The seargrown plots of grass bestrew— K They all are dead. jjj The healthy, rollicking kids, they, too, jjj Are tucked abed. jjj Ah, me! ’tis very sad but yet K Upon jny soul I cannot fret jjj For the time that’s flown. nj My mind on a future date is set — K Let that atone! H -D. M. } Alba, Tke Monk. | ( Alba, the Monk, by myriad doubts perplexed, • Prayed that from the burden he might be freed. • • To die, and in the grave perchance, to rest— J J A voice from Heaven said: “Sod, tell me thy need.” t “That from this sepulchre of earth the stone be rolled, J • My soul forever from the toils of doubt be freed, J 0 Th&t I might one celestial truth behold, . } Then onward in the path of light my kindred lead.” J \ “Behold!” the answer came, and there appeared l 0 The peaceful image of a sleeping child, * 0 Rocked by the waves; beyond, a darkness weird, 2 J And league upon league stretched a watery wild. f t The sleeping babe tossed on an endless sea, £ 0 So full of shallows and of depths untold, £ 0 In all its helplessness resembles thee; a i Its fate and thine by Heaven alone controlled. \ J , —D. M. £ “ENGLISH AS SHE IS SfOKE.” English as it is spoken down the line with the elite. This is what a conversation in regard to some soap sounded like to an outsider: “Jit th’ suds?” ("Did you get the soap?”) “Nope nuthin twit.” (“No, nothing to it ) “Jask th’ sturd frit?” (“Did you ask the steward for it? ) “Uhuh —twicet.” (“Yes—twice.**) “Woddy sturd tellyuh?” (“What did the steward tell you? ) “Heesed tell.” (" He Baid to hell with ‘ Jaskim gin?” (“Did you ask him again?’) “Uhuh, un heesedllece.” (“Yes, and he said ‘I will see. ) “Hotter get summers!” (“Hot to get it somewheres. ) Is it any wonder the English language is hard to learn? There are people born in this country and who have lived here forty years who would’nt know what this meant. _ SI Haskell .