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THE $ ED ALT A WEEKLY BAZOO, TUESDAY, APRIL 15, 1884 STORY OF OSCULATION. Kisses for all Countries and of all Kinds and Times. Men ard Women Who Kiss, and Their Reasons for Sucii Sal utationThe Dude's Latest. The researchers or laborious delvers in the mines of useful information was, of course, too good a man to speak of sucn a naughty subject save m a cold, Miuerva-like way. It should have been said that the puritans of the (Jroiiv ellian were somewhat addiccd to kissing, but after a most disci eet fashion. In fact, a quaint author of the period, who probably had beni there, compared the chaste salute of a Puritan maiden to the thrust of a woodpecker's bill. Passing ihe Georgian and Victor ian eras, during which Byron sang The First ivi-s of L ve and Tom save made it no longer doubtful that Moore struck his harp and warbled ,be art of osculation is of an antiquity ery remote indeed. jlo dombt tne term designating tins charming pro ;essisoneof somewhat learned length, and of sibilant, if not of thundering sound. But it is susceptible of easy translation. It is a noun, and a very proper one, generally si caking : but, even if sometimes a little naughty, it is always nice. Holy writ is replete with records bearing on this subject. The practice is unquestionably of Oriental origin, as in truth is that of the race with which it came in to stay. There are several references in Gen esis to kissing. In the affair of Joab and Amasa, recorded in II. Samuel, it is connected very intimately with a tragedy, for it is recorded that Joab took Amasa by the beard with the right hand to kis3 him and then smote him in the fifth rib. Labial's solution appears also to have been interchang ed by Jacob and Rachel ; Laban and his sons and daughters ; Moses and ILaron ; Orpha and mirabile dicta ker mother-in-law a good girl that )rpha ! Strange as it may appear at first blush, the allusions to the practice of kissing in classic literature are com paratively few, and those mostly of a contemptuous character. It is well known that the old Greeks and Ro mans especially the latter has no tolerance for effeminacy in any form and perhaps, from their point of view, kissing came under that ban. So, too, among most of the great Roman writers. Persius and his greater successor, Juvenal, had their hands full iu lashin. the giant vices of their time, and gave no heed to trifles "Whether kissing prevailed to any great extent during the dark ages is a question involved in au obscurity as profound as its importance. The dawn was some time in break ing, but about the beginning of the fifteenth century the long hidden sun dog burst foHh in all bis effulgence. The people of Europe, and for auht that can be added to the contrary, those of Asia, Africa and the islands of the sea commenced to kis?. It was one loud reverberation from Indies to the pole ! In 1448, Lorenzo, the magnificent, reigned in Florence. He was the most magnificent patron of learning of all kinds including the science and art of kissing since Maecenas. During the three centuries following Lorenzo's reign other choice spirits bore swav in high places. They were nearly all male and fe nale devoted and assiduous patrons of t! e fine art of kissing. Contemporary literature is full of it. Shakespeare overflows with moving delineations of this ab sorbing pastime. There is hardly one of his dramas tragic or comic iu -which there is not a reference to kiss ing. The term kiss appears 149 times in the plavs ; kissed and kissing are used in eighty-two instances, making a grand aggregate of 31 times in -which thebard recurs to a soul-absorbing exercise in which, no doubt, he was himself proficient. At the court of Lorenzo the form of kissing was most decorous. Henry VII I. kissed in a sort of catch-as-catch-can fashion ; so did Catherine of Russia." In Spain the art was brought to a very high point of refinement, as indeed luight be expected from tne cnivalric character of Spain's sons and the beauty of her daughters. The Spanish kiss is described as passionate and prolonged. 1 hese conditions, ion, like a nightingale of bowers, smiles. wine, kisses and cognate subject, one comes to a new phase of the m-unrir-ous kissing quusiin and at this point it becomes necessary to dwell a little on the character of the dudus A'neri canus, or great American elude the latest product or our society and civ liizatiou. As a s rt uf z )Olgical title has been bestowed on the dude it is proper to remove any false i:n)resion that he is an as that is, not in form or feature. In fact he has iioiip of the qualities of that noble animal none of his grit, ohstiiiHcy or staving powers. The dude hasn'i the redeem ing quality of bad temper, like that other noble auimal without pride of ance.-try or hope of posterity the mule. A. uuue mav oe described in the main as the combined product of a tailor, a shoemaker and a hatter, At his birth silliness marked him for her own. Insipidity took him m tow at an early age, and will hold him fast astern through life. The dude it, indeed that nature had any particular design in giving such a being animate existence is probably designed to fur nish a casual paragraph for the news papers and to supplv an occasion for mirth to all persons who have not taken leave of their senses. One would have thought that the absurdities of this abnormal creature, in dress and deportment, had reached a climax long ago but no. The latest wrinkle among the dudesque fraterni ty is that they have taken to kissing not some other fellow's sister or wife ; oh, no, that would involve so-ne risk, but to kissing one another. Careful investigation proves this to be a fact. When two of our metronoii- a. tan dudes meet now, whether in pub lic or private, they forthwith embrace and then the oscillatory operation is A. temper. I haveu't got half as much as you have. Of course not, love. You've been giving your temper to me so long, that I sometimes think the supply ought to be neaily exhausted. There you go again, Topnoodyl You are always finding fault and try ing to make me unhappy. Forgive me, my rear. But really, now, don't you think it right to recog nize this season, set apart for the rest of the soul from the temptations, de sires and frivolities of the world ? Don't you think that Lent is the Sun day of the year and that we should observe it accordingly ? Certainly 1 do. You didn't take me for a Chicago wuinan, did you? I've got just as much religious sentiment as you have, and if you will agree to swear off on beer and cigars, until Easter, I'll agree to give up the strongest link that binds me to the Old Nick, and for a season try to be a Christian. It's a bargain, but you must tell me what you will give up, if I give up cigars and beer. Well, lopnoody, it is my husband. I feci sure if I could send him to the country for a few weeks, I could be just as good a Christian as any woman in town. Topnooily backed out. Dr. C. W. Benson's Celery and Chame omile Pills are prepared expressly to cur nd will cure headache of all kinds, neu ralgia, nervousness and dyspepsia. Proved and endorsed by physicians. course he does not want to leave them, and if not, they know he can not help himself for if he flies their torture he has to give up friends, position and all else, and go bury himself in some 3trange community. You'd naturally think that a woman having git him in to this awful position of helplessness, she'd have some mercy on hira. But if she belongs to the complaining kind she won't. Not a bit of it. She'll jump on the poor fellow with both feet and grind her heel into him. j There's only one cure. As how ? asked the cold-tea raau, ! deeply interested. A man should be a man and assert himself, replied the thin man with emphasis. Nature has created him tne superior of woman, and he should not allow her to assume a government over him, and if necessity for happi ness he should make her understand it. How men can be so chicken hearted as to allow women to crush their independence I do not, for the life of me understand. At this moment the front door opeued, and from behind the larricade of boxes came a shrill, feminine voice, :isking, is Mr. Jarflv here ? I want him this minit ! Jarfly, you good for nothing-- Great Caisar ! I came very near forgetting a very 'portant gagement ! hastily exclaimed the thin man, as he made a bolt out the rear door. COBS ml GERMan REMEDt FOR. JEJSJUST. ! THE BOSS HARROW. si A HUGE JOKE. Q-. W. Cable Suggests a Call Mark Twain's Autograph. With Comical Ke- SUlt8. for Chicago Tribune. Mark Twain h.13 revealed the facts of an April fool joke of huge dimen sions, of which he is the victim. G. W. Cable, the novelist, was his euest a few weeks ago, and noticed Mark's intense aversion to autosraph seekers. This was the basis of Cable's joke. He wrote and sent out nearly 290 cir culars to Mark's literary and other friends suggesting that they write him for his autograph. Thev readily fell into the joke, and Tuesday his mail was swelled by over 150 letters, while the front door bell was beseisred all performed. It is K? he proper thing, ! day with boys with telegraph mes- SHILOH'S COUGH and Consumption Cure is sold by us on a guarantee. It cures consumption. Sold bv Bard & Miller. H. Fehr Is manufacturing wagons at Geo. Seheer's old stand on St. Louis street, and h is on hand sevenl which Mr. Scheer ironed. Mr. Fehr has a firt-class repair shop for bug gies, wagons, &C., and will sell his wagons at low prices and warrant them as good as any ever made or sold jn the city. 12-2-w6m SAVBD BY AN ALBATROSS. CURES Fiieumatism, Neuralgia, Sciatica, '.itmbago. Backache. Headache. Toothache. Sort T5iroHt.MeIlii!..Sjmln. llruUe, Sum. SrnlK. Fruit IUt. i.mj ll other noiui.r Pins im uhes. Soldbj brills' ael l-n!eriet-rrwbr. Klftj Cataa bottl. !iircti"ut in 11 f.UKtiiri. THE ;iAKI.ES A. VOOEI.KU CO. (3wof i a. y.KCKa X CO.) Baltlmur, Xd.. C.B.a. Pipe smoking is the real test of a tobacco. Tt is the regal way of fctuokiuir. You Ket i ira directly at tho flavor an J frairrance. Yon take the f moko cooler, aiid the touic cleanlier and safer. Pije bmoking- is t-mokiujr reduced to a Cue art. The more tho question of adulterated tobacco forces itself on tho att ut.on of smokery, the more desirable it becomes to know precisely what you are sm king-. In BlackwellM Bull Durham Smoking- To bacco you haveagruarautee, always, that it is Nature's own unadulterated product. Its frairrance. flavor, and unsurpassed quality.arede rived from the soil and air. Try it. and you will le.r ujied. None genuine with out trade-mark of tho Bull. r All successful Fishermen and Sports men smoke BlackwelTH Bull Durham Smoking Tobacco, and they nJoy it. The Strange Adventure of a Sailor Who Was Lost Overboard. you know, bv Jove I Yes, said a well-known society man, who is not a fool, however, It appears to be a fact that the dudesque brother hood have fallen in love with one another. Most of them now embrace and kiss whenever they meet, like simpering school-girls. It is the lat est craze. "Well, said the Sar man, who had the pleasure of meetimr the society man, what think you will be their next maifestation of silliness? Heaven knows; I'm sure I don't, replied the man of the world. In point of capacity for doing outre and absurd things, the senilis of your dude is simply inexhaustible. Vsk me something easy. I saw the most disgusting sight my eye3 ever lit upm the other day, as I was driving up Lexington avenu near Forty-second street, said an old citizen to the rep rter. Nothing le?s than two young fellows, with long frock coats, tall hats, tiiht trousers and tinv canes in a word, a brace of dudes kiting openly on the street. It occurred directly opposii" the Vanderbiit house, at Lexington avenue and Forty second street. Unon my s ml he continued, wilh unnecessary emphasis, this is a fact. Heaven ! AVhat are we coming to anyhow ? And so it is. That famous paroxys mal kiss, of which all the world heard only a few years ago, has, perhaps, cone out of fashion, but the kiss dude will, no doubt, he found a fit substi- ute. The progress of this latest aberration of dudedom will be follow ed with interest. Certainly in res- boss bussera of his age that: Th Spanish girl is no coqtiPtt, Nor j o see a lovor uimblo ; And if love, or if lr-ue, Alike she knows not to dissemble. It was in France, however, that the kiss bloomed into the full flower of perfection. Mesdames Pompadour and Maiutenou have given names to the forms of the salute ; both have been described as courtly, but not fris:- Hi. JNinnn oe JUCios, wno prefer vcu were to be expected, for we have it on i pect to osculation, the dude3 can high poetic autnonty one ot trie 1 1))int to a noted prototype and exemp lar in the person of Ahsiloui who (11. bamuel. xi 0) kissed any man tnal came nisli to him. Of course would be too piinful if a few of our dudes should meet with a like fate even as they follow his practice. sages. iUanv or ine letters are in uie conventional phraseology of auto graph hunters, others of great length are filled with business suggestions or friendly correspondence, but inevit ably close with a request for an auto graph. The manager of the Madison Square theater asks one for purposes of dramatization. Several writers pro fess to be earnest admirers of his books but credit hbii ith the authorship of the works nf other writers. Col. John Hay asked him to send in his own chirograph v a few hundred lines of ' 'Pollock's Course of Time. An edi tor of .the Century magazine demands autograph for a lame boy. The let ters are from Henry Irving, Ellen Trry, Ciara Lni-e Kellogg, Henry Ward Beecher, MMdjeka, H. H. Boy zsen, George P. Lathrop, H. C. Bon ner, Noah Brooks. F. C. Stead man, George Gary E-jgle-ton, Charles Dud ley Warner, Col. George E. Waring, Horace E Scmbbn, Julian Haw thorne, and a hst of other personal friends in New Y rk, Boston, Phila delphia and mor d;-taut points. The recipient hs scoured a fine collection through the joke -f Mr. CaMc and is considering ihe propriety of mounting them in frame- ami adding them to the exhibit of Barn urn's great moral show. ' For lame Back, SWe or Chest use Rhi loh's Porous Pluster Price 22 cents. Sold by Bard & Miller Trie Thin Man on Marriage. The thin man without the shirt collar was evidently perturbed in spirit. He elev jvd his chin, and scratched it wi'h a match ; theu work ed the match for a time iu his ear and -tared hard at the man with the cold tea scheme. Divorce is a on or subject, at last ! he said. teilictivdv. 1 t-T . .x . ....... 1 ..sit, f rm mon OO It lt S.UU iunui Mopnoody. Mr. Topmody was quite hilarious when he came hone. Tuesday even- her charms up to her death at 90. i mg. ana going m,o me Kitcuen, ne would be embalmed in the amber ofismuea gauy ul ms we, auu bam: 3iy dear, it nad not occurred to me before, but why is this week like our umbrella ? history on th same account, if upon ho other. The kiss a la de 1'Enclos was distinguished, like herself, for its vitality and a decided disposition to stick. The poets of the restoration m I don't know. Pin sure. Ha, ha, my dear, because it is lent. lou don t mean ro say, lopnoody, "FWlnnd sad dogs most of them j that you've gone and lent that umbrel were never tired of descanting on the j la again, do you? she snapped out, kiss, with variations not fit for the regardless of the venerable conundrum mrs polite of our day. After themjner nuso-ma naa Munctiea at tier -i-i. it rt n i j x ame b lesding. omonett, ann cerunn i jther like worthies. Everybody mows what the authors of Tom Jones and Roderick Random TOere, and so there's an end on'r. Richardson, the virtuous author of Clarissa Harlowe, it's Dou't fly up that way, my dear ; onlyajok. Beides, in thelent- en season you should forego your usu al pleasure, and not be quite so high temnered. Don't talk to me, Topnoody, about Go: From the Sydney TeeRraph. A singular story has been related to us by the master of the bark Glad sione, which arrived here from Lon don. While the vessel was in latitude 42 deg. south and longitude 90 deg. ea3t, a man fell overhoard from the tarhoard gangway. The bark was scuddling along with a rough sea and moderate wind, but on the alarm of man overbbard ! being given, she was rounded to. and the starboard lifeboat was lowered, manned by the chief offi cer and four men. A search for the unfortunate man was made, but owing to the roughness of the sea he could not be discovered ; but the boat steer ed to the spot where he was last seen. Here they found him floating, but exhausted, clinging for dear life to the legs and wings of a huge albalros3. The bird had swooped down on the man while the latter was struggling with the waves, and attemped to peck hira with its po werful heak. Twice the bird attacked its prey un successfully, being beaten off by ihe desperate sailor, battling with two en emies the water and the alabatross both greedy and insatiable. For the third time the huge white form of the bird hovered over the seaman, prepar atory to a final swoop. The bird eager for its meal, fanned its victim with its widespread wings. Suddenly a thought occurred to him that th huge form so close to his face might heco'i e his involuntary rescuer. Quick as thought he reached up and seized the bird, which he proceeded to strangle with all his might. The huge creature struggled with wings and paddles to free itself. In the contest the sailor was beaten black and blue, and cruelly licerated, but he held his owu, and siowly the bird quivered and died. The carcass float ed lightly on ihe waves, its feathers forming a comfortable support until he was rescued. The must .rfec adjustable and reversible tooth vibrating and gelfahiriimn smoothing Harrows made. ft is the only harrow that each section has a di rect endways or vibrating movement. I i the onl harrow having a jointed or flexible doubletree and that either section will not hold up the other while harrowing over low 1hcc?. t is the only harrow that round, square or dia mond teeth can be used, iuterchanirablv in the j ame harrow I It pulverizs prairie and blue grass sod perfectly. I It is elf-sharr'!iing; the teeth can be turned : round when worn on one side, and the doubletree ! prevents the forepart irom rising up while in opera i lion. It wi'l n t el r or drag trash, but bury it s ue'p fhat in drilling your wheat your drill will be exempt itoiu tra-h. it is painted UI.UE. Ask the undersigned for the BOSS HARROW, painted blue, and take no other. Ths vear wh are manufacturing four kinds of mooth ng harrows, one of which is entirely of mm ant teH. n also manufacture plows, hay rickers, rakes, fieM-roll- rs, broom corn cleaners, horse power wood saws, etc. Ince low. h nil for catalogue. BARLEY BROS. & CO. 34w2m Setlalia, Mo. I s arm or Rent THE A. P. WYCKOFF, Breeder and dealer in Eegisterecl Berkshire Hogs 4-Swlv APPLETON CITY, MO. OPIUM IMQRPHIKE HASH DU. 11.11. KaJ, of t io DvQutncor Horn, now otff n IJ.-nn-lr whereby Bcyone eanrurr hlra.f If qiileUyaml patnlrHsl.r. K.r teitlmo U. X. KAXK, A. 3., 3.D., ICO FaJUts St., Xtw York lit). HE STOCK FARM ! Belonging to Mj. Gen. W. S. Hancock, situated iu Pettis county, one mile east of Windsor, will be let at very desirable rates for a term of years. The farm contains 665 acres 52-5 acres in grass is well wa tered, well improved, has on it two dwell ing houses, one is new, and is one of the most desirable places in Central Missouri. Fc vrms and information, address, HOUSTON & B0THWELL, Attorneys and Agents. March 16, 1SS4. dl2t w2t. Sedalia, Mo Dr. KEAN, Ji. 173 south Class br., Chicago ihj LblUjie.l lo3 , is still treating all Pzi vte, Xcrroua, Ciuoule aatl Special dlc-am.Sper&iatnrtifi-a, Irapotescy (MXnal inrprity . Female dineases, etc. Coa ultfttion personally, or by letter fre. I. Kcn Is tho only physician in th ' tr that warrant car., or no nr. &3S pags Illustrated book, orer 2,CuO prescriptions, 91 by ImU. " BLOCHER BROS. ARE STILL ALIVE AND FULL OF VIM M i one, or warn, one : Tin not speak for myself, replied the other, with -live dignity mixed with tobacco juice. Oh 1 Sort ol f- H "g for your fellow beings ? Without deirn:ni a reply the col !:irle.es mail comIii 'C-l : A queer sub ject. A queer -u ; -ct, sir. If people can't live happil- t cther, what do they marry for V I chip, said tln'C ld lea man. I'll tell you w i t causes most of this divorce binine-. It's the bossy nature of woiupm. There's lots of womeu in the -r 1 whose whole duty in life appeais I c nsist in nagging their husbands T!i y seem to think a marriage i---- ia u. puu mic to pester x. r"e out of a man. Thev don't war V cnuces for com- j plaint but get uf and enjoy tii-iii They seem to kw yJIP j W Troyal vzwz? 1 PC nainuative ones hev with them, have a man foul. If he has children of P0W Absolutely Pure. This powder never varies. A marvel ofZpurity strength and wholsouieness. More economical thaD the ordmarr kind, aud cannot h sold in competi tion with the multitude of low test, short weigh alum or phosphate powders. Sold only in can Kovjii. Bakixs Povtdss Co.. 106 Wall-at. K WE COME BEFOHE THE FARMERS OF PETTIS COTNTY WITH THE FLYI1TG- DTJTCHMAU, he wonder orthe age, enuring a revolution in plowing. It is the best sulky ever made, because no other is constructed on this principle. The plow is in front of the driver. The beams.are steel and the sulky weitrhs 100 pounds, less than tny two wheel aulky. It is, therefore, the lightest draft, the lightes made sulky on thiMiinrkot. Come and fee it. We have on hand a large stock of Laudreth's Garde sreds, Clover seel. Timothy and KpU Top ?re?!. Fish wajj.iis tudeba er wapus, Spring wagons, Schutler wagoi.s, Buggies, Ph:vt-ti.s, Weir cultivatois, Molii'e Cultivators, Capital cultivator?, Elwood cultivators, Barlow corn planters, Haworth Avery check rowers, Oflxrne binders, reapers and mow ers, Empire reapers, Aultman & Taylor threshers, Minnesota Chief threshers.Champion engines. i - - Manufacturer and dealer in all kinds of FINE CARRIAGES, PHAETONS, BUGGIES, SPRING WAG GON S, B A B Y CARRIAGES, single and double Harness, Sewing Machines. The "Jenny June"and the "Singer." A GOOD machine with all attach ments for $17.50. Carriag e .vork warranted for two years ; machines, live years. Job bers trade solicit ed. 3-27d&6m.