Newspaper Page Text
ExiRA. 1 he Little Globe, extra.
UUHI-IAM, X. C, SATuKUAY EVENING, JULY 14, 1SJ)4. Fiom M. Onad. P'UNDEIt'S ALMAXAC. IT'S OUT AND WILL BE READ ALL OVER THE WORLD. Carl Says It' a Rook That Will Make You laugh Just to Look at It The Sergeant A 1 vines Jlliu to See a Ioctor A Few of the Jokea. Copyright, ISO, yy Charles R Lewis. "She vhas oudt, sergeant she vhas omit!" shouted Carl Dunder as he rushed into the police station and waved an object in the air over his head. "Ha! ha! ha! I haf come down to tell you she vhas oudt, und to bring you a copy! Here she vhas! Gaze on dot!" "Did you wish to see any one here, Mr. Dunder?" asked the sergeant as lie looked up and then dropped his eyes on his work again. "Do I wish to see somepody! Vhell, I Bhould shmile some shniiles dot I didt! I come to see you, of course. I vhas telling you aboudt dot almanac for two weeks, Und here she vhas. Ha! ha! ha!" "What almanac were you speaking of?" "Vhy, my own almanac dis one Carl Dunder's Comic Almanac. Sergeant, ob serve dot book. She vhas going to be heard of all oafer dis worldt in three months. Shust two hoonered shokes, besides funny pictures and family recipes und politics. Ha! ha! ha! Vhy, it makes me laugh shust too look at herl Take her in your hand, sergeant, und see if you doan' haf some tih miles pooty quick!" "You ought to see a doctor, Mr. Dun tier," said the sergeant as he sadly shook his head and continued writing. "I doan' vhant some doctors! That ails me vhas dot I feel teckled, und dot vhas a sign of goot health. Ha! ha !ha! Keep quiet, now, und I gif you some samples of my weather reports: "Sunday Too bad weather to go to church, but shust oxactly right to go lishing. It vhas funny how often she hap pens dot vhay, but der man mit a fish pole vhas not tv blame for it. Monday Too bad weather to go fishing, but shust oxactly right to go to church, only dere vhas no preaching aroundt to day. "Tuesday Werry good weather for hoeing corn, but a good dr;il better for go ing to dot circus. Maype it vhas all right to sphlit der deefeivnce und go rabbit hunting. "Wednesday Look oudt for some rain und shpoke to your wife dot she doan' leaf der wood pile Tudt doors. ''Thursday If you can only find some pody to argue politics mit you, it won't bo necessary to go to work today. "Friday It looks so mooch like cy clones today dot you hadt better shtay aroundt der house und shnioke your pipe und be prepared to safe dot family. It,. a n x : i X -.s-. "OBSEKVK HOT BOOK." '"Saturday Seems too bad to go to work on der last day of dot week. Shust keep quiet und get some breath for next Monday." "It seems too bad that this should come upon you at your age"' sighed the sergeant r.;.: V:! 1JH1 11U UUCtUi I say what caused it!'" 'Vhas it my shokes you mean? Now, look here, sergeant, dot vhas no way to treat a feller! I go oudt of der saloon pecsness und inwent a comic almanac. She vhas full of shokes. I begin more ash ' two weeks ago ha! ha! ha! to laugh, und I vhas shtill at it. I read you some fun, und you look solemn. If you haf some great sorrow on your mindt, vhas I to blame? If you should inwent an almanac, : doan' you belief I would encourage you? i Of course I would! I like to see somepody 1 climb oop, I do. " ''But what do you want me to do?" "Xeffer mind! You keep on mit dot shealousy und see how you come oudt. ! Hold on, now, und I vhill read you an ad- ! vertisement: "Notice to Some Burglars Dis vhas to Inform you dot I haf shust mofed into my new house on Golden Hill avenue und can be found at home any night in der week after 10 o'clock. Yhile dot house vhas puerwided mit a burglar alarm, und all der doors und windows vhas equipped j in der latest style, I like to tell you dot : you shall be admitted if you ring dot front door bell. Doan' took some troubles to : break in und lose your time. I vhas dead I broked lxfore dot house vhas half finished ! oop, und she vhas now under mortgage ! for more ash she vhas worth. My salary i vhas cut down, my wife's family vhas j come to live mit us, und if you can find a : quarter in dot house I shall cheerfully gif I you one-half of her. Xo use to look for my watch or winter oafercoat, for I haf to ' put 'em oop der spout long ago. All der j shewelry vhas sold to buy dot burglar ! alarm, und I use my railroads bonds oop ; to paper der kitchen walls. It vhas no use : to waste vour time. Come und see me, ! but come by dot front door und act like a shentleman. I doan' gif nopody avhay! "Ha, sergeant, vhat you tink of dot, hey?" asked Mr. Dunder. 'Vhen I got her wrote down, I went oudt und found a i burglar und read him to her, und you ' ought to hear him slap his leg und yell: 'Ilo! ho! ho." Vhy, dot burglar vhas con wulsed mit fun, und he vhill take 10 copies of dot almanac." "If you were lo years younger," said the sergeant in a meditative way, "you might pull through, but at your" . ''Hold on, sergeant! Here vhas one more. I read her more ash 10 times to a friend of mine, und eafery time I reads : him dot man doubles all oop und vhasblask in der face und faints avhay. He finally ' calls in a policeman to make me shtop. Listen to her; she vhas richness: ' 'To Dot l'ooblie A shentleman who vhas cured f drinking, smoking, talking too loud, running oudt nights, going to der races und gambling, und who also gained 20 pounds of llesh in three years und vhas completely restored to health, vhill sell der secret) to some respectable person for ten dollar. Xo cure no pay. Address in eoiilidenee. ' und so forth." "Well:-" queried the sergeant. 'Vhell ha! ha! ha! Oxcuse mc . ser geant, but 1 haf to holdt my sides! Do you snow vhere dot man vhas?" "He wasn't anywhere." ''Yes. he vhas! He vhas oop in Sing Sing Ha! ha! ha! Goodby, sergeant. 1 look for some grins aboudt tomorrow on a postal cardt!" THE ARIZONA KICKER. A Few .Remarks Ahout Some Struggling Contemporaries. Aboi'T On: ('ontkmi'okai:ii:s. We were pleased to not ire a change for the better in the Blue Hill Tribune last week. By some hook or cium!; the editor has not In Jil of enough type to set up both read ing matter and advertisements and last week he threw away the carpi t tacks, horseshoe nails and buttonhooks which have bvn doing duty for the la-t year in his advertising olumiis. This is a step ahead, and now if he will get some real ink. use a glee roller to put it on and steal his editorials from the St. Louis in stead of the Denver papers there is no rea son why he can't make a go of it. Sain Colfax of the Turkey Bend Boomer i Tiromisinsr his suborivr- a ringing Un .Mr. ounaer iuiiin,-o.. good paper after his new press arrives. Yes, Sam not only needs a new press, but a new head on his shoulders. We don't know where or wnen he learned the English language, but what he's got of it is peculiar to himself. Such trifling things as orthography, grammar, punctuation, etc., don't worry Sam. He'll never have an income of over $7 per week out of a newspaper, but as that is $2 per week more than he could earn at anything else he'd better stick. The Turkey Bend people like Sam bemuse he got two east ern men to invest $" apiece in real estate MEKTIXG Mli. OTIS. and boom the town, and as not one in ten of his subscribers knows how to spell "cat" they have no fault to find with his news paper. The Little Valley Star reached us with a new head last week. The one it lias used for the past two years was cut off the end of a saw log, while the new one has been carved out of a plank. It is an improve ment, however, and we are pleased to chronicle the fact. When we were over at Lattle Valley a few weeks ago, Mr. John son, the editor and proprietor of The Star, had just purchased an acre of ground to establish a private graveyard, and he as sured us that he had at least six vic tims marked down for slaughter. On that same day, an hour after we left, a man entered his otlicewith only a club for a weapon and drove Mr. Johnson under the editorial table and made him beg for his life. He may pick up. however, and The Star may yet become the leading fam ily paper of the world, as he predicts. We shall at least say nothing to discourage him. The I'ocky Hirer Journal of last week referred to us on its alleged editorial page as a "viper," 'coward." ''office seeker," "villain" and several other things. The Journal is a four page weekly paper pub lished by a man named Otis. As most of its issues have been prirTtvd on a cheese press, with molasses and lampblack as a substitute for ink, we have never been able to read except an occasional line here and there. Some two years ago Mr. Otis was driven out of New Mexico into I'tah. They shot him out of I'tah into Montana, and the Montana people kept him hanginir at the end of a rope until he agreed to leave fcr Arizona. We had something to say ubout these things a few weeks ago, not knowing that this Otis was the Otis refer red to, and of course he feels like getting even. Well, we are not saying anything. Some day we shall meet Mr. Oiis and t.ake him by the ear and demand an apology, b it there is no hurry about it. The Gila Kiver Chronicle resinned pub lication last week after a suspension of four weeks. The Chronicle is the sort of paper to own and publish. If it suspends publication, no one misses it. If it runs right along for two or three months with out a break, all the boys drop in to tell Bill Jackson that he i- wording him-. If to death and ought to take at least six weeks' vacation. All th- political articles are c;;t from the San Francisco papt r and all the lo'-al articles from a Cincinnati ex change. We gav. William the stt rt otypes for the si veil columns of dead ads. he has Iktii running for the last year, and now and then we s. nd him up the picture of a coal baron, an anarchist or a .statesman, and he passes ir off on his suh-cri'oers for Captain Kidd or Christopher Columbus. There was a ru ncr afloat t hat The ( hron- i 'i i.l i'., ..' S.' 1 in i...r.tli. but Bill personally assured us a fortnight ago that the sum was less '.ban $40. Ho sleeps on the Ihxir of the office, lives most ly on rxts and barks, and the buckskin suit he wears was 11 years eld last Decem ber. Some day in the far distant future, when The Chronicle man can get $4 or $5 in cash at one time, lie is going to pack up and look for another young and growing town, but until then he will continue to issue whenever he feels like It and trust in Providence that the wooden legs under his press won't give way on the down hill side. We are in receipt of the first issuo of a new weekly paper called The Great West, published at Prairie City by James M. Clay. We don't know why Mr. Clay should have quit mule driving to go into the newspaper business, but he can prob ably explain. Why ho should call his newspaper The Great West is another co nundrum to all except himself. The sheet is a combination of dead buzzard hashed up with old cactus and sprinkled with war whoops to make it go, and the first issuo will probably be the last. If Mr. Clay didn't hang himself before all his papers were mailed, he hasn't got the sense wo credit him with. He Told Him So. I stood on the depot platform talking with the town marshal when a scrub look ing man rode up on a buckskin pony and asked of my companion: "Say, ar' you the galoot who runs this town?" ''I am the marshal, " was the quiet re ply. "My name's Scott. I am from the bead waters of Terror lake." 'Well, what of it?" "I'm goin to turn loose." "About when. " queried the officer, with a look of contempt. "About now. Name's Scott. I'm from the headwaters of Terror lake. Lake's chuck full of alligators all the year round, while the grizzly b'ar won't drink no other water. No other human critter but me kin git within three miles of that lake on account of the Gila monsters and rat tlesnakes. I'm dangerous, I ar'. D'ye want to stop me before it's tfo late?" '"No, I don't want to stop you." "Waal, I ;:n ye the chance, an yo mustn't blame me fur what happens. I will now turn loose! Whee-op! Waugh! W-o-o-f!" "Is he dangerous?" I asked of the officer as the stranger rode off up town at a gal lop. "Humph! A Chinaman could run him!" Not more than five minutes had passed away when we heard shooting up the street, and both started on a run to ascer tain the cause. It didn't take long. We first came to a dead man. t hen to a w ound ed one, then to another corpse, then to the man from Terror lake. He was down on the ground with rwo bullets in his breast, anil his face had already liecome ashen. His eyes were wide open, how ever, and as the marshal bent over him he smiled and said: "Name's Scott. I'm from the headwa ters of Terror lake. 1 told ye I was dan gerous, bi.t e wouldn't stop mo. Mustn't blame blame me t u r what 's what's" And he drew up hi- legs, -r retched them out again and was dead. The marshal looked at him for a minute and then turned away with the exclamation: "Durn his hide, but I thought he was blowin!" M. ijv l. M idsiiiiinier I'air. "You must be careful about your diet," paid the physician. "Don't take any ice water. " "No ice water'" --i . d 1 h- inv alid. "Not a drop. Arid don't take any lever age hut w iter." "That 's pretty hard." "Ard don't take any en ie that you can help." "But I'll gt-t fat in two weeks!" "it makes no diffVreree. Arid don't tak. any" "Hold on. doctor. I'll go bark to my first principles for summer hygiene." " Wt. rir- tiicv:-'' "Don't Take ...n take ;:iiv n.'dlcme or ad vie? c :..- ice' -Washington Star.