The fool-killer., January 01, 1910, Image 1

About The fool-killer. (Moravian Falls, N.C.) 1910-1917

Image provided by: University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill Library, Chapel Hill, NC

VOL. I.
MORAVIAN FALLS, NORTH
CAROLINA, JANUARY, 1910.
NO. 1.
What I Believe
I believe in a God who knows His
business, and a devil who is not as
big a fool as some folks.
I believe the Bible is a great deal
nearer right than the smart guys who
assail and denounce it.
I believe God made the world, but
the devil has been running it for a
good many years.
I believe the so-called Church of
God is so sound asleep that Gabriel
will have a hard time waking it.
I believe the belly and the pocket
book .call more preachers than God
does.
I believe that if every church mem
ber had a - praying-machine, lots of
them would forget to wind it.
I believe, if there isn't a hell, there
ought to be.
I believe that cold water, hard
work, fresh air and sunshine are the
four best medicines known to man.
I believe marriages were originally
manufactured in heaven, but since
the patent ran out the devil has put
lots of substitutes on the market.
I believe tne man who isn't as
virtuous as he expects his wife to be
ought to be hung.
I believe when a girl is kicked out
of society and her destroyer sent to
Congress, there is something wrong
with the "system.' 9
I believe if no liars can go to heav
en, then God and George Washington
will have it all to themselves.
I believe if all the hypocrites were
dead, there wouldn't be enough peo
ple left to bury them.
I believe the world likes to knock a
man down and stomp his guts out
just for the luxury of crying at his
funeral.
I believe, to sum it all up, that the
wqrld contains .more fools and bigger
fools to-day. than ever before. '
I believe, therefore, that The Fool
Killer is needed, and that it will
"fill a long-felt want."
I believe you had better subscribe.
No Use To Die
The other day I found in my
mail a greasy-looking roll about
the size of a corn cob. On looking
into it I found a great assortment
of mail-order circulars and adver
tising matter. The wad had been
sent me by one of these profes
sional "circular mailers." I get
lots of such stuff, and hardly ever
read it, but there was one piece of
rot in the recent bunch ' that
caught my eye and I have singled
it out as a target. It is an adver
tisement of a book called "Per
petual Life, or Living in the Body
Forever." The alleged book is by
a guy named . Grammar, and the
old fool pretends that he has dis
covered a great secret the knowl
edge of which will enable every
man and woman to stave off Old
Age, give Death the dodge, and
hang right on to this present life
forever. Yes, bless your soul, if
you will divorce yourself from a
dollar and get .Grammar's book
and read it you will be able to
make old Methuselah ashamed of
himself. When we all get armed
with a copy of "Perpetual Life"
and get it thoroughly memorized,
and get things going according to
the new plan, won't we have a
glorious old time of it? Just ima
gine a world full of men three or
four thousand years old, with
beards long enough to step on,
and then think what a poor show
a young fellow like Methuselah
would have among all those wise
old heads. Under the new order a
boy will wear his baby dresses
until he is a hundred or so. At
five hundred he can put on long
pants, and when he reaches the
thousand mark he can begin to
cast sheeps eyes at the blushing
maidens of six or eight hundred
sweet summers. Yea, verily, that
will be the truck!
Shame On 'Em!
The whole fabric of society is
honey-combed with corruption
and reeking with rottenness. Scan
dal and scads, rascality and riches,
go hand in hand, and they are. the
only things that can open the gild
ed doors of society to a man or
woman. If you want to stand in
with the 400 foolish fops of garru
lous Gotham or any other center
of snobdom, you have got to be,
financially sound and morally rot
ten. Society never enquires how
you got your dough or how you
lost your decency, so long as your
pocket sags heavily and you are
willing to go the gaits. Maudlin
matrimony, promiscuous para
mours and doodlebug divorces
constitute the sum of . life in swell
dom. Oh, for a law that would com
pel these kid-glove kangaroos to
get out of their gilded dens and
follow a burly Buckeye Binder in
the blistering sun L And, oh, for
another Jaw that would lift the
be-jeweled and be-alimonied fe
male fops out of their sealskin
slippers and put them to plying
a pair of greasy overalls across
the corrugated bosom of a wash
board! .
The Chronicles
of Cook
1 And it came to pass in the
year of the trusts, 1908, that the
voice of adventure spake unto Doc
Cook, of the province of Brook
lyn, saying:
2 Get thee up quickly, O Doc,
and make ready a vessel for the
Arctic Seas; for behold thou shalt
go in search of the North Pole.
3 And it shall come to pass that
when thou needest money thou
shalt speak unto one Bradley and
he shall put up the scads.
4 And when thou hast gotten
thy, vessel, after this manner shalt
thou lay in supplies; yea, all the
things herein mentioned shalt thou
take on board:
5 Four hundred dogs, fifty dog
sleds, two canvas boats, one bal
loon, a dozen tents, fifty barrels of
dried cow-corpse, twenty-five bar
rels of hog-corpse, a hundred bar
rels of bread, eight milk cows,
twenty stacks of fodder,
6 Three hundred gallons of corn
likker, one Keeley Institute, one
thousand pounds of bear skins,
fifty feather beds,
7 One telescope, one camera,
one moving picture machine, one
wireless telegraph outfit, one elec
tric light plant, one blacksmith
shop, one drug store,
8 One thousand cords of kind
ling wood, a wagon load of match
es, a dozen Winchester rffles, for
ty pounds of fish-hooks.
9 And when thou hast provided
for thy bodily comfort, behold
thou shalt also provide for the in
tellectual enjoyment of thy com
pany. To this end thou shalt take
with thee for reading matter the
following books: One Webster's
Dictionary, one Sanford's Arith
metic, one Barker's Almanac, one
copy of "Through Missouri on a
Mule."
10 Thou shalt also carry with
thee men skilled in nautical obser
vations, that they may keep thy
records for thee. And thou shalt
carry one hundred reams of fools
cap and five gallons of ink.
11 And behold if thou shalt fail
to reach the Pole, thou shalt bribe
thy men with money arid they
shall swear that thou didst get
there. Thus thou shalt be able to
fool the public.
12 And Doc Cook arose straight
way and did as he was command
ed and fitted out the ship with
supplies."
13 Then it came to pass that
Doc Cook sailed away with his
crew into the far North to find
the Pole.
14 After many weeks he re
turned with stories of success,
and all the world believed and
applauded.
15 But there was one named
Peary, a mighty man of the Navy,
who believed not, the same having
also a claim on the North Pole.
16 Then Peary opened t his
mouth and taught the people, say
ing: Behold Cook lieth and I can
prove it. He hath never been far
ther north than Boston.
17 Now the University of Co
penhagen, when it had examined
Doc Cook's records, agreed with
Peary that Doc Cook was a liar
and a fraud.
18 And about the same hour
Doc Cook thought it was time for
him to skiddoo, and so he skiddid,
and no man knoweth the place of
Doc Cook until this day.
A good deal of the "cream of soci
ety" ought to be churned.
Extra. Senses
In another column, under the
entitlement of "Bridging the Riv
er of Death," I have somewhat to
say about psychic phenomena,
Spiritism, Devilism, and so forth.
And just now I see that Tom Edi
son 4ias shouldered his tool kit
and joined the bridge force. Who
would have thought it of Tom?
The idea of him chasing off after
spirits, ghosts and hobgoblins!
Speaking of what will take place
in the near future, listen to the
warble of Tom's prophetic tongue:
"A new force in nature will be
discovered, by which things now
dubbed "psychic" will be well
understood. Mental phenomena
will then seem no more wonderful,
than physical phenomena do now.
We have but five senses. If we
knew more we would have at
least eight."
Yes, my dear Tommy, I feel
satisfied that as the devil gets a
firmer hold on the world he will
be able to make himself seen and
felt through extra senses. Man
could get along very well with the
five senses which God gave him,'
but the devil wants him to have
more, and I guess the devil is able
to supply them.