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The fool-killer. (Moravian Falls, N.C.) 1910-1917, February 01, 1910, Image 1

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Moravian falls, north Carolina, February, 1910.
NO. 2.
Alas, and did I read it right?
Or have my eyes grown dim?
Did Fairbanks snub the Pope
Or did the Pope snub him? '
The Hoosier statesman was in Rome
A-taking in the town;
He talked with the Italian king,
And did the job up brown,
He had his plans already made
To drop in right away
And shake the Pope's old fishy hand
And pass the time o' day. 4
Meantime the Methodists had sent
A very strong request;
It said that by the Hoosier man
They'd like to be addressed.
And then the Pope a message sent;
It ran: "Loo& here ahem! 7
If you desire to talk to ME,
You must not talk to them!"
The Methodists got theirs, all right ;
The Pope his share was slim;
And now did Fairbanks snub the
Pope, ,
Or did the Pope snub him?
self-respecting prisoners will pe
tition for pardons, and who can
blame them? They will close their; Word comes from Missouri that . The following is a copy of the
roll-top desks with, a pang of re- Ijsome of the charitably-inclined out petition which is beiuo- circulated
there are working on a plan to col- in behalf of Convict Morse,
onize the hoboes. George M. Read it:
Jackson, a wealthy farmer, has "To His Corpulency, William
I offered to donate 4.000 acres of TTmvnTvl T-ff
, ' . I v -a..v, A vOlUV11 U J I ' llllC
(land for the purpose. J. Harvey United States:
1 Nolan, a Socialist, has offered sev- "Dear Bill: We. the under-
gret, and the chains and padlocks
that have held them there for
years will tnow them no more.
forever. How utterly sad to
Oh, murder! Police! Run here
ble crime has been committed.
can hardly hold back the scalding
tears long enough to pen these
immortal lines.
One of the contributors to "The
Star of Hope," an .intellectual
journal published by the inmates
of Sing Sing prison, has been de
tected in the crime of stealing
editorial thunder from the works
of Bill Shakespeare, Julia Ward
Howe, and other great editors.
Oh, the pity of it! The shame
of it! How it upsets our time
honored traditions to think of a
citizen of Sing Sing in the capaci
ty of a thief! The bright pages of
"The Star of Hope" are contami
nated forever, and all Sing Sing
howls. If Shakespeare had pla
giarized from "The Star of Hope"
it would have caused no surprise,
as we have always heard that
Shakespeare was a sheep-rogue in
his young days; but for "The Star
of Hope" to plagiarize from
Shakespeare well, what is the
world coming to, anyhow?
The effects of this crime will be
far-reaching. The uttermost ends
of the earth will wail because of
it. All the eminent literary men
who have looked forward with
pleasure to spending a few years
at Sing Sing will now heave a
mournful sigh and return mechan
ically to their pld tasks. All the
The cost of living has come up
for discussion, and the wise ones
are putting their heads together
to see what can be done about it.
The trouble seems to be that ev
erybody is charging everybody
too much for everything that ev
erybody has to buy. TsTow if every
body would sign up an agreement
with everybody to charge every
body only half as much for every
thing as everybody pays for ev
erything today, it seems to me
that everybody would then be
perfectly happy.
A man's existence here in the
world costs just all that can be
squeezed out of it. If a man's in
come is $200 a year he can live
passably well on $200. But if .his;
then it takes $1,000 a year to run
him- And so it goes. The more a
man prospers and the bigger his
wad, the harder the world squeezes
his hand to make him drop it. The
process of living manages to wring
from a fellow, in one way or an
other, about, all he can make, be
it much or little. There are excep
tions, to be sure, but I am speak
ing of the average plodder through
this wilderness of tears-the men
on the dead level of humdrum ex1
istence, with no rich uncle and no
political pull.
The consumer is the key to the
whole situation, but he can't help
himself. Every time he moves up
a step in his methods of living,
the departments above him auto
matically adjust themselves to a
new cost basis, and thus the mer
ry war goes on. Man is a bull
when he wants to sell and a bear
when he wants to buy; and the
bull movements and the bear
movements work out by the. rule
of cancellation and leave us right
where we started. Then we start
all over again and get the same
results as before We kick if the
price we sell at is low, and we
kick if the price we buy at is
high. And it all goes to empha
size the fact that we don't any of
us know much about what we
want, nohow.
eral hundred acres more. And so signed members of the Society for
they are going to take up the un- the Prevention of Punishment for
washed knight of the road, give- Thieves, do humbly command
him a soap-bath and a goose-neck your Excellent Fatness , to write
hoe, and put him to farming. out and sign without delay a full
Maybe they are, but I doubt it. and absolute pardon for Charles
I am also "from Missouri" in this Way ward Morse, our unfortunate
particular case, and they will have brother who is now doing time in
to show me. When they get all the Atlanta Federal Prison.
the Plodding Petes and all the "We know that Morse is guilty
Meandering Mikes rounded up in of every crime in the catalogue of
a nice bunch and go to drilling high finance, and that he richly
them in the science of agriculture, deserved a life-sentence instead of
I would like to be there to see. 1 fifteen years. But that isn't the
would like to stand in open- question. Morse was one of the
mouthed wonder on the sun-lit Big Ikes, and the court had no
summit of Hobo Heights and right to send him to prison. If he
watch the desert blossom like the had been a one-gallus laboring
pumpkin vine. man and had stolen a chicken or
All that would be as pretty as a pair of old shoes, then the court
red shoes, but I f never expect to would have had a right to hang
are not built that way. The genus Morse was a poor down-trodden
hobo is a natural outgrowth of money-king. He had never known
civilization, and you can't rub him the luxury of owning a fine as
off the map. He is here to stay, sortment of poverty. And just be
lt would be cruelty to animals to cause he stole a few millions to
try to make a farmer of the hobo. rUn a few banks to control a few
He would pine away like a sick ice-houses to destroy a few lives,
rat and go into the hands of a re- the law has dared to punish him
ceiver. Pete likes his present job. 1 as severely as it would a chicken?
Farmer Corntossel could never be thief! We refuse to submit to it.
Pete, neither could Pete be Farm- We swear by the Great Hopping
er Corntossel. The two profes- Toad that such an injustice shall
Ml -1- 1 i-U ' i- I . 1 rni
sions win not mix worm a ueuu not be done, xneretore we warn
The hobo's home address is 23 y0u, Mr. President, that you had
Skiddoo St., On-the-Roau, Any- better belly up to your typewriter
where, and he likes to stay at and punch out that pardon right
home. When he does travel he at once."
carries his suit-case in one pocket
and his trunk in another and puts
up at the best strawstack on the
road. He is president of the
Work Haters' Union and secre
tary of the Kitchen Door Grub It will pay you to be on the
Seekers' Association. He works lookout for the March number of
so hard devising wavs and means I The Fool-Killer. It will be by
to keep from work that he has all odds the richest thing in the
absolutelv no time to work. way ot a paper that you ever saw.
But here's to the Socialistic I have several whopping big fools
Look Out!
Hobo Colony, and may it
long and cut a wide swath.
Work hard, and cheat your fellow-
Live on the scraps you cannot sell ;
And there's nine chances out of ten
That you'll die rich and go to hell.
in soak, ready to be skinned in
next issue. If yo'u want a piece
of the hide for shoestrings you
better send in your subscription
to-day. Show this to all your
friends and send in a big club. I
am not talking to that other fellow
now I'm talking to YOU!

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