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k Pungent Periodical of Thrilling Thought. PUBLISHED MONTHLY. James Larkin Pearson, Editor. One year to your heart, 25 Cents, Cash in Advance. Application will be made for entry as second-class mail matter at the postoffice at Moravian-Falls, N. C. TAKE NOTICE! Do not send Postage Stamps on subscription. Remittances should be made by Registered Letter or Post Office Mon ey Order drawn on Moravian Falls, N. C. - .; ' Be careful to write your own name and address plainly, and direct all letters and make all orders payable to: .- JAMES LARKIN PEARSON Moravian Falls, North Carolina. Let Us Talk Jt Over Well, dear sinner friends, this . is The Fool-Killer. How does it set on your stomach? If you like it, you can get more at headquarters. The Fool-Killer is not even a forty-'leventh cousin to any other paper on earth. . It stands in a class bv itself, and its field is as broad as the English language. , This paper wears no bell, muzzle, collar nor halter. You can put that down to start with. I am the fellow who works at the pump-handle on this pungent period ical of thrilling thought. ; I print only what. I write; I write only what I think; and I think what I doggon please. ; , I own this entire establishment, and Rockefeller isn't rich enough to buy one share of it. Does that sound strange? Well, bless your soul, I am a great deal richer than Old John. I. never travelled any to speak of, but I have read a great deal, and have thunk some. T have also writ a few books which I know are great, because they don't sell worth a cent. Great books never do. And then I started The Fool Killer, -just to quiet my nerves and keep the old-press from getting rusty. From the seclusion of these wooded hills there will go forth each month a hot old bundle of literary dynamite that will shake the rotten foundations of society and cause the Church of Mammon to at least turn over m its sleep. The Fool-Killer will be a month ly mustard-plaster for the blood-boils of Society, Church and State. It will be salted with wit, peppered with humor and seasoned with sar casm. Every line will cut like a whip, and every word will raise a blister. . If you are a fool you had better not subscribe for. THE FOOL-KILLER. If you are wise you will. And so that settles It. IDIOTORIALS. Even hush-money talks. ' Do a little thinking, mister. It is not work, if you like it. The Johndee Oil Co. still lives. The devil loves a cheerful liar. And with all your getting get busy! It takes- money to grease the sucker-traps. : I believe in giving the under dog a chance. . V . m ' So far as I know, all dead men are honest. . The chief end of man is the one with the head on. No man is wise or safe unless he is honest. ' The Sugar Trust fellows want more sugar in their?n. A slop barrel is cleaner than a gossip's mouth. A dandy is a poor imitation of the male chicken. First think out your work, and then work out your think. If all we read on the tombstones was true, hell would be for rent. Eat, drink and. enjoy yourself, for tomorrow you may kick .the bucket. Let him that thinketh he stand- eth take heed lest he come down kerflap! Too much freedom becomes a chain, and too much rest is tire some. Necessity is the mammy of in vention, but she isn't alway proud of her baby. Carry your Fool-Killer about in your pocket and read it to ev erybody you see. The new Sultan of Turkey must be a god man. He is never men tioned in the papers. A man who can be hired to commit a crime is none too good to do it without hiring. Some of those people who claim to have seen Halley's comet with the naked eye, may have been as sisted by an icy sidewalk. Your ten toes are much nicer things to play with than an infer nal old deck of cards. Freedom is not the right to do as you please, but the liberty to do as you ought to. A man who has got sense e- nough to be a Socialist has got sense enough to know better. The "moderate drinker'; of to day is the "old soak"' of tomor row. It hardly ever fails. Some men are not ashamed to do a lot of things that they would be ashamed to be caught doing. The Fool-Killer only comes once a month, but it makes things hum when it does come. - A place of amusement that isn't (it for a girl to go to, isn't fit for a boy to hang around. The kids of this country would not be so mean if they had better daddies and mammies. What advantage is it to be able to speak French, German, Greek and Latin if you can't tell the truth in English? A woman will pray like a saint to get into heaven, but she will fight like, the devil to get into society. , The great men- that you read about kinder "swink up" when you get personally acquainted with them. - 'God will be satisfied with the best you can do, but the neighbors will criticize you just as severely as ever. Every day is bargain day with The Fool-Killer. -One dollar value for 25 cents. Come across, gentlemen, come across! A slot-machine that would spit a divorce at a man when he poked in a nickel, would make a fortune for its inventor. ' : Men and women have been in existence for several thousand years, but ladies and gentlemen are modern inventions. There isn't a "card game" on earth that I know how to play, and I thank God for my ignorance along that line. That married man who hikes off to the red light joint about twice a week, will have no kick coming if something goes wrong at home during his absence. Whenever somebody puts out a volcano by weeping softly into it, I will then believe that the Stand ard Oil Company can be dissolved. Tom Watson, of Georgia, is an. old antiquated Populist, and all that, but he is one of the biggest and smartest men this country has produced. Great Caesar, what a stink they have .stirred up in the sugar trust! If sugar will not preserve the su gar trust, why not put it in vine gar and pickle it? replugged up my nose with cot ton and sat down to my desk to give that Tillman gang a lengthy 11 n i iic"Ui. jjut cvcu biic-ii iiuo oiucu was so rank that I had to give it up in disgust. No wonder old Ben Tillman was stricken with paralysis. The won der is that a merciful Providence has allowed old Ben and his brute . of a son to stay out of purgatory ftvip.ri thia lnncr. If The Fool-Killer was just like other papers there -would be no use to have a Fool-Killer. But it's different. In alt the wil derness of printed things in the world, this paper stands out like a white preacher at a' nigger meeting. .;.'. A man who is too stingy to pay 25 cents a year for this paper would skin a flea for its hide and tallow, pasture a goat on .the grave of his grand addy and steal the butter from a blind nigger's bread. Don't let that . apply to you, brother. mm , . Society decrees that women may button their collars around their waists and go around with their backbones grinning at the men. But the dear things would have a fit and fall over in it if & man should appear in their presence with his coat off. The little old green-eyed fool who goes sneaking around with a pistol swinging to his hindquarters may think he is brave, but he is the most contemptible coward this side of perdition; Judge Kenesaw Mountain Lan dis has gotten back into the lime light with a great splash. He is twisting the tail of the beef trust this time. Landis, you remember, is the fellow who got off that huge joke about fining the Johndee Oil Company twenty-nine million dol lars. An optimist is a fellow who don't care what in thunder hap pens, so it don't happen to him.