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MORAVIAN FALLS. NORTH CAROLINA, MAY, 1910. NO. 4. ROOSEVELT AND ROME. Some men can be scared. Some cnn be bulldozed. And some can b3 bought. But not the man you call Ted the Hunter. He does not belong in either of those classes Ted hangs on like grini death to the thing he believes is right. The only, way to change him is to con vince him that he is wrong. If you want a' permanent job you can have that one. I mean, of eourse,"the job of convincing Ted. J he reason he is so nara to con- vince that he is in the wrong is because he has a very troublesome habit of being always on the right side. A few weeks ago that little tin god over in Home didn't know all these things. Bufrhe knows now And he is in a fair way to learn still more if he will just keep his ear to the ground. I have never been any fool over Fairbanks. Fact is, to take him on the average, he isn't a man to enthuse over. But when he shook his fist in the face of that self appointed "Vicar of God" and told him to go to Hel ena,' Mon tana, my enthuser began to leak over the top just a little. And then when Ted the Terrible planted his number twelves in the Holy Uity there was more rattling among the dry bones of Homan Catholicism. The dose of mental salts that Roosevelt gave to the old dope-eating dago caused him to run off at the mouth just 'awful. He foamed and he fumed. He jumped up and down. He act ed for all the world like a mad dog with its tail in the fire and both hind feet in a steel trap. And all because lie couldn't dictate to a plain American citizen with a pair of eye-glasses and some teeth. In the presence of Roosevelt the ' Holy Pappy was no more than a dry leaf in a whirlwind. The Lion Hunter simply took the little old egotistical wart of humanity be tween his two thumb-nails and cracked him just like you would crack a flea, only a sight easier. It took Ted only a few minutes to make the fact known that there would be no strings on him. He . would speak where he pleased and when he pleased, "and if the Pope didn't like it he could lump it. Three cheers for the man who isn't afraid who refuses to sell his freedom for ttie privilege of - kissing the Pope's infernal old hoof. ALL KINDS OF FOOLS. I'll sing a little snatch of song About the fools that come along. There's many fools of many minds The harmless fool and other kinds. Most pitiful and most forlorn '. The fool in that condition born The idiotic, staring fool, With brain as dull as any mule. Poor man! "lis not his fault alone; In other lives the seed was sown; We should not laugh at such 'a man No doubt he does the best he can. You've seen the fool upon a limb, And sawing twixt the tree and him ; Also the fool who thought it fun To blow into a loaded gun. One other fool that I despise . Believes that he is very wise ; I have no doubt that you recall The tiresome fool who knows it all. The business fool will scheme and plan -A thousand ways to cheat a man, And cannot see that in the end He'll die without a single friend. Another place for fools to mix Is in the field of politics ; They hate the truth and love a lie, And some sell votes and thers buy. Bless goodness, I must not forget The fools that form the social set; Of all. the fools- that sin has nursed, The fools of fashion are the worst. 'rhmv wi.n nln K.p.jvirm nv r.nA anftnr,. I And jerk him down and throw him j o j - ' out; - " And high on Fashion's rotten throne Old Mistress Folly reigns alone. Religious fools of every kind It is not difficult to find So many gods, so many creeds, That do not satisfy our needs. The list is long, and yet they say New fools are sprouting every day; The Fool-Killer biffs 'em one by one, And yet its task is never done. REVERIES OF A FAMILY GHOST. I am a family ghost. I live in the graveyard. Fact is, I don't live at all I?m dead. I wouldn't be a ghost if I wasn't dead. But I stay in the graveyard. When J have nothing else to do I roost on t - a tombstone. I cannot be seen in the day-time, but at night I wear ray Ions: white shroud and am plainly visible. My name used to be Sam Simons. I; was alive then. But my neighbors treated me cruelly and I died with a broken heart. Now I'm Sam Simons's ghost. My business here is to stand guard over the family grave yard and to scare people who wronged me in my life time. I've, been here well nigh fifty, years, and have given the neighborhood no little amount of trouble. But tny star seems to be sinking. Peo- I jple don't pass this way, any more, specially in the night, and no-, body ever comes here now to get buried. My, my! What a deserted looking place this is! Even the briers have grown so thick that lithe procession moves oh. And the ban't walk about without danger I Kf tearing my shroud off. Nowr such a miserable place as this is not at all fit to be dead in. Any self-respecting ghost would pro- test against ity and I do think it is ja pity thata fellow's people won't try to make him comfortable after he dies. Don't they know that this old grave of mine is all out of repair? Why, it leaks just awfully when it rains. Every time it rains 1 have to go down and "bail out" my coffin, using my skull-bone for a dipper. It just makes a fellow's shin bones rattle together to think of himself in such a plight as this, and if matters don t take a turn soon i m going to pull up my tombstone and move to more respectable quarters. THE SUMMER. HAT. I r . ri .i. i - Vr.rea1' Sunsi vv nai nerve-raciung ana Diooa-ciircuing tmngs we cio 1 11 1 II- . 1 I have to put up with in this hea- thenish America! Is there no re lief from the tortures of fashion? Is there no limit to the dirnen- sions. of the spring hat? Last year feej him and listen to his after it was a buggy wheel trimmed dinner speeches. Amateur writers with feather beds, and this year it an( budding poets want hiin to is a hay-stack with roosters on it. r8ad and criticize about two tons It keeps getting worse. I used to Gf their trash every day. Ten see old nigger women, tote water- thousand old-field 'school-house buckets, washing-tubs and clothes- orators want him to write tl.e'r 1 1 1 11 ' . - baskets on tneir neacis, ana 1 speeches for commencement, day. thought that was an awful stunt. Babbit hunters all over the South But Lordy ! That wasn't a circum- want him to add the weight of his stance. This summer our dear lit- personality to their expeditions tie perfumed and powdered socie- against poor little Bunny, ty queens will go waltzing around ln the political field, the insur with things on their heads that gents wTant Teddy on their side, would break the neck of any nig- and the Cannonites want him on ger wench this side of Africa. - I can't understand it all. God knows these outlandish, over grown, neck-breaking head-smashers don't look pretty. Or if God don't know it, I do. They are enough to frighten a flying ma chine or give an express train the blind staggers: How would a raaff look with such a thing balanced on his dome of - thought? Gosh, Betsy, don't mention it. It would kill all the fruit in the neighbor hood and run the cats crazy. Fur- thermore, a man that would wear such a thing on his head ought to be cremated alive: and then shot dead.. And a government that would allow it ought to be thunder- struck with a mountain of mud. But the women well, that's dif- ferent. Paris pops her whip and hats, like the hole in an old coat- sleeye, jret bigger and bigger. They are so big now that they have to be built like a folding bed in order to get in at the church door. And when they do get in, the preacher has to squat down and shoot his sermon under the benches in order to reach the poor sinful men. A few years from now the wo- men will wTear church houses on their heads, and the.preacher will hold meeting in a hat. PLENTY tTOR. HIM TO DO. There is every indication that Theodore Roosevelt will not want for a job when he gets back home. He is wanted: for nearly every purpose under the sun. The nation wants him for .president. He. is also wanted in congress and in the senate. He is wanted as railroad r . . president, bank president and col- lege president. He is wanted as editor of magazines' and newspa pers every where. He is wanted as a historian, and he -is desired by hundreds of cities that want .to- their side, and Taf t is so rattled that he hasn't the least idea what vs v v In the past it has been a- prob lem what to do with our -ex-presidents, but in this case we can rest easy. A man who can take care of himself in the wilds of Africa can certainly do so in America, ana tnere seems to be enough in sight to keep the Lion-Hunter reasonably busy. Read the Bible and The Fool-Killer.