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MILK AND MUSIC.
DOCTOR MARY IS PLEASED. Do Ra Me (So, there Brindle!) Fa Sol "La (Back your; leg, you old fool you!) Tee Do Ra whee dledum, tweedledum; boom-de-a 1 Now, by the beard t)f the sacred prophets and the . -Big. Bear 7 s Foot, if I ain't discovered GowrHeaven I don't want your money." And the story goes like this: - - Up in Illinois, near Shecawgo, there lives a guy named Reedy, who owns and operates a milk-and-butter. joints. - JFhis fellow Reedy is some sort of an editor, too, I believe, but he has grown tired of the office and now sleeps in the barn among the cows. . For, several months Reedy lias been giving his entire time and atten tion to the cow business study ing the manners; customs and re quirements of the cow and he has just leaped into fame with a great discovery. He has discov- story is told in Reedy 's own words in a recent issue of his pa per, as follows : "I found that on several occasions when there was a small boy loafing about the barn and playing a Jews harp while the . cows were being milked, the animals gave down more freely and the butter fat was greater. The cows stood stiller and did not kick over the pails. I called on my neigh bor, Oscar H. Bollmann, stated the case to him and had him install in the barn a fine Mason & Hamlin piano, with flayer attachment. A 'professor .was hired, and now there are two concerts daily at the Clonmel Dairy "barn, at the milking; hours. ; ;:The yield of : the - nineteen Jerseys and six Holsteins has, since the in stallation of music, reached an a- mount . equivalent to that of at least thirty animals milked without the musical accompaniment. There is no mistake ""whatever about these facts. Melody has a certain softening in fluence that promotes the giving forth of the milk secretion, it soothes the cows and makes them more ea'si fly milkable. Many dairy experts have visited the musical cow-barn and ) vindicated, as it were. She start shot with a load of :scrap-iron and then fed to. the .buzzards.'1, - ; " The world should lift its plug hat to this man Reedyv Dogged If it ain't so.. -He is another of -the world 's wizards. "THe has , made ' it possible to take an ld: hollow sided plug of a cow that wouldn t give a pint of blue-john-in three weeks, give the old sway-backed beast a first-class musical educa tion, " and make her give six gal lons a day, already churned and the butter took up and salted. And with : a little more musical training I guess a cowv could' be taught to squat down over a tub and pour the milk out of herself .without the trouble of tugging it out by hand. . " v - I saw a picture of Doctor Mary Walker in a paper tether day, and the old gal was wearing a brand new smile about . sixteen feet broad. You know Doctor Mary is the original breeches woman she has always worn , 'em and refuses to .wear - any other kind of leg-covering. Jn the pic ture I -speak of she was standing there looking like a little sa wed off man with an old - woman's head on. And the 20-horsepower smile that covered her features and reached out - for several feet all around was caused by reading in a fashion journal the statement that all women are now going to wear breeches. ... . Mary has been trying all" her life to bring about this "reform- .in feminine dress, but the women wouldn 't grab on worth a . cent. But now when bid Miss Paris stamps her fine French foot and yells i 4 Breeches I " you bet they tumble to the racket in short or der. No humming and hawing in the case. The women must all have breeches this next summer even if the men have to go in their shirt-tails. And all this is very pleasing to Doctor Mary she ieels sorter" THE PARK AND THE-PEOPLE; f isrthisif our old Uncle has got ' And - so the .famous - Appalach ian Park bill has become, a lara! Well, somuchfor that. I sorter think it's. a good ihing, so far as it goes,, and "I have been in: favor of it ali along. The great virgin forests of this7 mountain- section ought; to be protected from the ravages of the;fool saw-mill' gangs who care for. nothing onlyta.cut and slash and- saw "and drag out, leaving the , country stripped: and destitute and at the mercy-of wind and flood. Cutting -out ! the forests has changed our climate andinjured our Jand more than the people have any idea. And so I'm glad that Uncle Sam is go ing to take a hand and put a stop to some of this foolish waste. But, boys, as sure : as a dog has fleas, there is another side to this 1 i Conservation " question, If Un cle 'Sam is right, plurri bad off to do something that needs doing why , in the name of Adam's Mother-in-law don't hje pitch in and do a little 'conserving" ar mong the poor down-trodden peo ple of this rotten old republic ? Why Hon ?t -i he roll his optics up and down the land and see if there ain 't something besides the trees that ought to be looked raf ter ? The old boo ger would find hundreds; of thousands of poor, L poverty-stricken - people, hungry, sick, and disheartened, fighting a desperate battle for bare- exist ence, and" being crushed to death under the wheels of this pluto cratic Juggernaut that we call a 4 'free government." You haven't heard Uncle Sam : say . anything about trying to relieve these ter rible conditions, have you? No, not nary whimper. . I reckon the old scrubby trees out in the mountains are of more value than the people. Sam can afford to have been convinced that I have made a great discovery. This discovery I am going to follow out further. I "am going to have vocal concerts for the Clonmel herd. Mr. Joseph Buse and Mr.. George Ravold have agreed to sing for us at the barn on Tues days and Thursdays, and I have in vited Mr. William Jennings Bryan to make a speech there. Mr. Roosevelt I have not invited. "I tried' tuVictrola "record of one of his efforts upon the lowing kine one evening and a little cross-eyed cow ' came pretty near jumping through' the roof." ' " Oh, glory halleluyer whoop em up and poppit tu em liza jane. That is the immortal truck. It simply takes the cake and sops the skillet. Now when old Pide begins to go dry you'll know what - to do just move the piano to the barn and put it to work. And if that don't fetch her to her milk, go and hire a nigger camp meeting and a brass band. If she still refuses to ante up, then open a Chaw-talk-wa Circle in the barn lot and. a lecture hall in the hay loft. A cow that wouldn 't do her level best under such circum stances ought to be taken out and ed the fashion about" sixty years ago, and the world is. just now catching ; up with her. Three cheers for Doctor Mary; eonsarn her old whit-leather hide ! One of the worst things that could "happen to Socialism is for it' to be espoused and advocated by such foul-mouthed, atheistic and disreputable rakes as old Dick Maple, of the National Rip- baw. Old Dick don't : believe so all-fired much ; '"money "to blow in bh " conservation,": -I think .he could, fin'd" plenty! of ' objects that need his attention a! thunderation sight worse. tKan the old scrubby trees of the Appalachian . Moun tains do.: u v ; ' A SERMON ON LAND HOGS. The Fool-Killer is going to swing its journalistic billy- around a few, times and fetch it down kerb im! on the tough old nog gin of the land hog. Do you know what a' land hog is ? If you don 't, I can purty quick tell -you. A land hog is any old soh-of-a-gun made in" human form who wants to ho g up the entire township wants jto own and control a hun dred times more of God 's dirt than, he's got any earthly use for. The land hog has oodlins of mon ey, and he slaves day , and-night for more. And every cent he gets goes to buy more land. The old hog has heard somebody say that real estate is a safe - investment, and he thinks he is powerful wise and smart if he can get a deed to, a whole county. And so he hogs and hogs, and just keeps on "hogging, and. his hoggish greed for more land is never satisfied. He "thinks about nothing but landl in' the day time and dreams about land at night, until the old -fool us plum land crazy. He buys every; foot of dirt that can be bought, pays tax .on it arid lets it lie . idle, when there are dozens of poor-families living around him who need -that land to make a living on. V The' old "hog can 't cultivate so much land himself, "and if he rents it out he wants the renter to furnish everything, .: do" all the work, and get nothing. buy up the mountains, put a gov-1 If -the. land hog had any human eminent -fence around 'em and start a rattlesnake ; ranch, but he ain 't got any, time nor: money to waste in trying to better the con ditions arid lighten the burdens of the struggling masses. The idea has wiggled itself into Sam's old cocoanut-that.it will.be'a jim dandy investment to spend a few million dollars for , . ground-hog holes and bear dens ; but to save his sole-leather gizzard he can't see any profit in giving the com mon people a living chance helping and teaching them to get better homes, better schools and better sanitary, conditions. iSo-sir-ee ! Sani d6n 't see any sense m that. It a- poor man gets sick' there is anv God. anv Devil or any future existence, and the old) and is not able to pay "for inedi rattletrap is doing his infernalest to get his personal- views along: these lines taught" as the founda tion principles of Socialism. If Socialism . wants to ; make - , any progress among - decent people 'it will have to cut loose from Old Dick and all of his wild-eyed in fidel gang. - The Legislature of North Caro lina passed a resolution of sym pathy for 'Old Booze and all his' family!" Old Booze sure needs itrand I'd want some sympathy, too' if I had. to go galloping down the-red guzzles of such a set of jack-leg legislators as thai.- cal attention -well,-- he don 't get it that's all. But if some bid tree in the , back mountains gets a hollow place in it, they wire for the government tree doctor, ; and he comes on . a special train and doctors the dear old tree. Maybe uiere ft. Liozeii' poor numans m the coves, of that same mountain principle, about him , he 'd sell- out his .surplus land in small tracts to the poor families and give them a chaiice to pay for it , and - have homes of their own. But does he do it? Well,; I gUess not. He prefers to strut around "and pose as a great ( 1 land-lord ' ' ?and hold other people 's. noses to "the" grind stone. The under .dogs have to just scratch around in the fence corners and on the.; steep moun tain side" among, the rocks in order . to pick up a kittle bite to eat, while the great land hog has thousands of acres .of good level land lying idle and doing nobody any good. , JHe is like the dog in the manger, that couldn 't eat the" hay himself and wouldn't let any thing else eaf it.- " ;, If we had a " law-making body that was worth " shucks it would be unlawful for any man' to own more land than. he has any use for. .The. land hog -regards him self as a very important vperson age, but in the eyes 6f,a just God he, is only a seeded .wart , on the dying with consumption, but -l heel of civilization, and lower nave noiicea. tnat tne government doctors and trained nurses are not thick enough around those cabins to be in the way. Why is it so? Oh, simply because. a mere, human being is not worth - as much as a tree: , - Now, fellers, all I've got to say, down than,1 a ; four-legffed swine. Let , every honest . and - upright man own a little land if he wants it and let no. rotten-hearted, miserly human hog own more than "he . needs. . That's the way I preach it, arid so ends this ser mon.. " -: - ,