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Image provided by: University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill Library, Chapel Hill, NC
Newspaper Page Text
The Fool-Killer IDIOTORIALS A Pungent Periodical Thought. of Thrilling PUBLISHED MONTHLY. J. L. PEARSON, - - - - - - EDITOR. One year Xo your heart; 25 Cents. In Clubs of Five or More, 15 Cents Entered as second class matter March 30, 1910, at the postoffice at "Maneuver" is the word. .: Tom Watson "thinks . Booker" was drunk. A woman is as old as she looks be fore breakfast. Truth is mighty that is, it's mighty. doggon scarce these days. Maybe Hitchcock had better put a. Moravian Falls, N. C, under the act tax on newspaper scareheads. of March 3, 1879. TAKE NOTICE! Do not send postage stamps pn sub scription. - : ; - Remittances should be made by registered letter, express or postoffice money order. Be .careful to write your own name and address plainly, and direct all letters and make, all orders payable to: : THE FOOL-KILLER, Moravian Falls. - - - North Carolina. Lei Us Talk It The more worthless -a man is, more fish he can catch. the All nations go armedbut won't let their citizens do it. they Champ Clark is now Editor-in-Chief of the Congressional Record. The new Democratic Congress is on the fence, and the fence is afire. Music, uplifts me, but 1': drop "back again as soon as the music is over. Over Well dear sinner friends, this is The Fool-Killer. How does it set on your stomach? If you like it, you can get more at headquarters. The Fool-Killer is not even a forty 'leventh cousin to any other paper on earths - - - v - . It stands in a class by itself, and its field is as broad as the English language. This paper wears no bell, muzzle, collar nor halter. ' gt You can put that down to start with. I am the fellow who works at the pump-handle on this pungent period leal of thrilling thought. Every day - thousands of people ex claim, "I can't stand it!" But they do. If I were a woman, I don't believe I ever saw a man that I'd marrv. - w - . . A man can feel in his pocket any time and bring out a little ball of fuzz. It takes money to grease this ma chine. Can't you grease it a little? If the women had plenty of money, how well they could get along without men! c- ' ' ' " " X SERMON ON CARD PLAYING. Jeeminy crickets! Maybe you thought I wouldn't Jump a-straddle" of society's pet sin and ride it a-bug- huntin'. Well, you'll see. curing my hirty years of knocking about here in this old sinful world I have been an unwilling, eye-witness to a good many kinds of club-footed' cussed ness ; but my peepers have' never pen etrated into the hiding place of a more useless and senseless" and deyil- insplred business than this infernal card-playing habit. When I see a gang of boozy-breath ed bummers gathered around an old dirty table or goods-box; when I see for.: the young bucks to get them a deck, of the ''old "reliable" , and go on to the Umlt perhaps .winding up with a hemp neck-tie or a zebra suit. - When- it comes to playing cards, I don't know "seven up" , from . thirteen dpwn: in the cellar, and if a man should offer ;: to learn me I'd knock him down and stomp him, . CONSISTENCY, THY NAME IS MUD. Here is a world. People in it. Smart people. Great armies. Great navies. - Millions spent on these armies and the cigar and cigarette smoke curling navies every year, and their only ob- above their heads like an old woman ject is to kill folks. burning a plant-bed, and strong e-1 People say it's right and necessary nough to stifle a polecat, I can always guess what they are ; doing. They have got a bunch of old greasy paste boards that look like thefejiad been used for shipping-tags to send : a nigger baby's laundry . to hell arid back. It's a sight to see them double up over those old nasty cards, and smoke and cuss and-play. One feller grabs up the bunch and flips off little bunches to the other fellers. Then that folks should be killed that way; Just a pleasant pastime that the nations have. And the people like it. Jolly good fun, they say. So they prepare for the music. It comes. War people mangled and slain. That's what they wanted. y But when the machinery of war gets to working right good, and every- they all pick up their bunches and body ought to be perfectly happy- look at them and say "Dam" and throw them down again. They keep I recently saw a list of things that people should not do. I do every one of them. A hookworm passed my office go ing north yesterday. It must be that Spring has, arrlv. Helen Pink has succeeded Alice I print only Blue, but Hetty Green is still on the what ! write; I write only what I job. think ; and I think what I doggon please. I own this entire establishment, and Rockefeller isn't rich enough to buy one share of it. Does that sound strange? - Well, bless your soul, I am a great deal richer than old John. I never travelled' any to speak of, but I have read a great deal, and have thunk some. I have also writ a few. books which I know are great, because they don't sell worth a cent. . Great books never do. And then I started The Fool-Killer, just to quiet my nerves and keep the old press from getting rusty. FronT the seclusion of these wooded hilfs .there will go forth each month a bundle of literary dynamite that will shake the rotten foundations of I . society and cause the Church of Mam mon to at least turn over in its sleep. The Fool-Killer will be a monthly mustard-plaster for the blood-boils of Society, Church and State. It will be salted with wit, peppered with humor vand seasoned with sar- casm. V rU:;"' Every line will cut like a whip, and every word -will raise a blister. If you are a fool you had better not subscribe for The Fool-Killer. If you are wise you will. And so that settles it. Every town has a few men who take pleasure in running after other men's hats when they blow off. It is better for a fellow to have one sweetheart and get her than to have a dozen" or so and not land any of them. Senator Buffalo Bill! I hate like the mischief to see Bill falling into such bad habits in his old age. x - I would hate to be that hard pushed for enjoyment, and I would hate to be so low down that I could get en joyment out of that kind of a game. I would rather be a hound pup and spin around like a pair of, winding- blades trying tocatch my own tail. I would rather stand out in the sun- For every man who gets without earning, some other man has got to earn without getting. You can't, rub that out. - If all that Sweet William Lorimer said in his own defense was true, there ain't no dickens if he oughtn't to have been a preacher. what happens? Why, bless your : soul, they begin that up for hours and hours, and it to yell for the Florence Nightingales seems to be awful interesting. But and the Clara Bartons to come with the only effect such, a performance their soft hands and ' their ointments ever had on me was to fill me with an and tie upthe wounded limbs and unspeakable disgust and a profound bathe the fevered brows. . . pity for such a set of infernal fools. Wanted the men killed, : Sent them to war for that purpose. But when there was a good pros pect of getting it . done, wanted them nursed back to life again, v ------ So as to have them shot to death some, more, and then nursed back to life some more. " Using the poor fellows for foot-balls shine all day arid admire my shadow, and kicking them back and forth be For real enjoyment I would rather tween life and death. spend my time sticking, my finger in a If it's a soldier's business to die, tub of water and pulling it out and why don't they let him do it? looking for the . hole. I would rather And if they don't want him to die, do most any fool thing you could what do they send him to war for ? mention than to be a poor, miserable, The army officers and the hospital low down, besotted, devil-possessed nurses work directly against each and God-forsaken card player. other one trying to kill men and the When a card player starts into the other trying to keep them alive. And business, he usually plays "just for yet the same set of 'fools are behind fun" although -where the fun comes both enterprises arid just working a- gstinst themselves as hard as they can. I can admire . the army hospital nurse the gentle hand that brings relief and comfort to the wounded and suffering. But when it comes io admiring the In at is a nut that I can't crack. But of course the old devil has got some kind of an attraction hidden among those old greasy cards, and when he gets a fellow started to "playing for fun" he soon has the poor fool grad uated into the betting and gambling business and the men that make the ciass, wnere iortunes come and go with the flip of a 'card and where guns and butcher-knives abound. . army hospitals necessary, my. admir ing machine gets out of fix. My eye sight isn't fine enough to see the con- A western preacher pokes up his head and wants to know if a gentle man will tell a lie for a dime. I won der if that's all he charges ? Half an inch, half an inch, Half an inch onward, Hampered by hobbleskirts, Hopped the "Four Hundred.' .Old Satan is the champion card sistency or the business sense in run player of the universe, and he always ning two trades that offset or cancel holds a full hand. He has introduced each other. Yes, poor old Consistency, you have done been counted out of the affairs of this world. Your name is Mud. into society and the church a number of new and "respectable" card games They have high-sounding names and look so innocent that high-toned-nn- ciety just falls oyer itseirto give them Roastology, boilology, stitchology, a hearty welcome. The new-fashioned darnology, patchology,- and general What has become of the Republi can papers that used to refer to Gro ver Cleveland as "Old Fatty?" Now that they've got an "Old Fatty" of their own it ain't so funny. . "mammas" of good old Israel just can't manage to raise money fpr the heathen any more without , a card party or a gambling game at the church, -and the daughters of ZiQn prance around among the devil's old stud-hosses till they tear all the lace off , of their new Sunday petticoats. domesticology, are" some of the sci ences that every girl ought to srad- uate in. A harem breeches woman met an automobile in the road, and the poor old machine jumped astraddle of a Starting with the lessons learned at barbed wire fence and spewed gaso- the church social, it is an easy matter line and chain Unks for two hours.