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1 1 A f it Ki Page Two THE FOOJL-KILLER April, 1912 The Fool-Killer A Pungent Periodical of Thrilling Thought. ' PUBLISHED MONTHLY. J. L. PEARSON, EDITOR. One . year to your heart, 25 Cents. In Clubs of Five or More, r 15 Cents. Entered as second class matter Mirch 30,, 1910, at the postoffice at Moravian Falls, N. C7, under the act of March 3, 1879. TAKE NOTICE! Do not send postage stamps on sub scription. Remittances should be made by registered letter, express or postoffice money order. Be careful to write your own name ani address plainly, and direct all letters and make all orders payable to: .'. . .. THE FOOL-KILLER, llcravian Falls, - - - Nortli Carolina. m Us Talk It Over f Well, dear sinner, friends, this is Th3 Fool-Killer. How does it set on your stomach? If you like it, you can get more at heiidquarters. The Fool-Killer is not even a forty 'leventh cousin to any other paper on eaith. - N ' It stands in a class by itself, and its field is rs broad , as the English laneru'aee. ' : w - This paper wears no bell, muzzle, collar nor halter. You can put that down to start with. I am the fellow who works, at the pump-handle on this - pungent period ical of thrilling thought. ' I print only whit I write; I write only what I think; and I think what I doggon pleise. : : -r-. , I own this entire establishment, and Rockefeller isn't rich enough to buy one share of it. Does that sound strange? "Vell, bless your soul, I am a great deal richer than old John. I never travelled any to speak of, but I have read a great deal, and have thunk some. ' I have also writ a few books which I know are great, because they don't sell worth a cent. Great books never do. And then I started The Fool-Killer, just to quiet my nerves and keep the ,old press from getting rusty. From the seclusion of these wooded hill 3 there will go forth each month a bundle of literary dynamite that Willi shake the' rotten foundations of society and cause the Church of Mam mon to at least turn over in its sleep. The Fool-Killer will be a monthly mm;tard-plaster for the blood-boils of Society, Church and State. It will be salted with wit, peppered i with humor and seasoned with sar casm. Every line will cut like a whip, and eve ry word will raise a blister. If you are a fool you had better not subscribe for The Fool-Killer. If you are wise you will. A.nd so that settles it, 1 . 1 IDIOTORIALS. Well, I got here again. Spring poets are in full ?loom. Skin or get skinned that's the only chance these days. II W III 1 . J- '. " . ' ' -. i.' . Work is Faith with its ,coat off and its sleeves rolled up. You have heard of April-Fools, but this is the April Fool-Killer. A man's will power is helpless when it butts up against a wo man's won't power. A good deal of the stuff that passes for human nature is just pure cussedness. If you - are willing to : help circulate some other man's lie, you are no better than a liar yourself. Some people begin at the bottom and work up. Others be gin at the top and don't work at all. - ' Go out and see whether the hills are there yet before you conclude that the word of God has failed. The fool who rushes in where . r I angels fear to tread has some times been known to walk off with the prize. Mosquitoes, peddlers, fleas. politics and the itch are disagree able things, but no doubt they were put here for a purpose. Poodle dogs should not wear gold collars studded with dia monds, as long as millions of children are ragged and hungry. The difference between, the man who tells a lie and " the one who acts a lie is that the former is not so infernally low-down as the latter." . The man who thinks more of his pet religious belief than he does of his duty to his fellow man is not worth his weight in' ordi nary compost as a citizen. Tell your Pap and send word to your Uncle Hank that the May issue of The Fool-Killer will be a devil-catcher from 'several miles up the creek. .Until a thing is done, men call you crazy if you think it can be done. And after you have done it, they wonder why it was never done before. If it was. to rain corji. likker some day,, it would be one more sight to see the old red-nosed ras casls standing around with their mouths open like a gang of young cat-birds. . Andy Carnegie has, built him self 23,000 -monuments,; and in order to' make , people read his name over the door he has had the monuments -filled with books. Sure thing, old Andy aims to be remembered. The biggest fool in alLthe cat alog, is a fellow who tamely sub mits to being systematically rob bed day by day by the . big cor porations, and then fights and votes for the industrial hydras who are doing him to death. ' The world enjoys making fun of the "dreamers" as it calls them. But did you ever stop to think that only the dreamers have made this world what it is today? Dreamers are thinkers, and think ing is the power that does things. Did you ever think any, mister? i M mi -in j. i A subscriber in Alabama writes me as follows: "Dear Mr. Editor: What is your opinion about the hen does she sit, or doles 'she set?" Aw, shut up! I don't bother about such things as that. What concerns me when she cackles is, has she laid or has she lied? A ' 'conservative" is a sort of crack-brained cuss who will run like the devil from a good thing if Jt happens to be new, but will lock arms and hug up with any old rotten, sin-soaked humbug if it wears', beard , long. enough , to hobble a mule in. . ' I don't know any big sight about the ' 'recall" of judges and other . high .officialsf. but it strikes me sorter perpendicular sideways that if I hire a man to do a piece of work for me and he don't do it to suit me, I ought to : have a right to turn off. Ain't that right? Huh? I never see a woman of intel--lect but what I recall - the fact that our schools and colleges are turning out every year about ten female graduates to one male, and yet the advocates of woman slavery say that those who wear petticoats have not the ; mental capacity to participate in matters governmental. I sometimes have a little money to put in the bank. If I put it in the savings department I get 4 per cent interest and no security. If I put it in the checking de partment I get no interest and no security. But if. I run short and want to borrow a few. dol lars at the bank for a month or two, I have to give 10 per cent interest, paid in advance, and a doubled-and-twisted mortgage on everything I've got. That's the kind of infernal,, one-sided high way robbery that the money trust dishes out to the poor man." v 15,000 THIS ISSUE. Some' of my readers are want ing to know how many subscribers The Pool-Killer hasv All right, boys, I am neither ashamed nor afraid to tell you the plain, un varnished tr u th a bou t it , as near as ! can . It will be impossible to give, you the exact figures, as a. great many names have been add ed since the list was counted. But I can safely say that it is ' not less, than 12,000. .1 here is a great de mand for sample copies lots of people calling for them in bundles of 100 or more and to be sure of having enough to supply all calls, I am printing 15,000 copies this issue. Most editors figure ihre readers to each cdpy printed, and ixn uiia.j lawu xue x uui-iviiier now has 45,000 readers. And a perfect Stream of cl ubs is po uring in all the time. The further it goes the faster it grows, and it now looks like it might reach 135,000 or 40,000 by next: Christmas. With my new printing equip ment, which I installed last month, ' I can handle a- circulation of o,UU0 easy enough. So fall in line; boys, and help me cover the earth with Fool-Killer-3v:7v'':v-:: Some little one-hoss editors like to pretend that they have three or four times as many subscribers as they really have, but I am not built that way. I believe in telling "the trutH and my books are open for anybody to examine. I don't need to lie about my circulation, as the actual truth makes a pretty good showing when you consider where it started from.. Two years ago I had nothing, and, was in debt for -that. With no money, and no way of making any, I was strictly Kup against it" if ever a man was. In a fit of desperation I started The Fool-Killer, not knowing whether it would lead to success or starvation. For some unaccountable reason the drotted thing seemed to have the guts of me in it right from the start. The very audacity of . the thing1 seemed to enect the public sorter like hitting a man in the belly with a baseball, and they thought, by jinkity, they had better sub scribe and see what in the devil L was up to. And so it came to pass that The Fool-Killer was a ho w lino- ii ixgub irum iae JUmp-ffO. hfi in come trom it has afforded me and my widow a fairly decent living, besides enabling me to buy sev eral hundred dollars worth of printing machinery and fit iip an omce ror maKmg ool-Killers. right. . - . And that's what one little coun try greenhorn has accomplished in two years out here in the woods nve miles trom a railroad.- If you and your friends, neighbors, tin.. folk and acquaintances want to rap wnat Kind of fool shines1 1 cut", from now on you had better all -subscribe right quick., See club rates on third page of this issue '