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no THIS PAPER, IN SPITE OF ITS NAME, DOES NOT BELIEVE IN KILLING PEOPLE. VOL. V. MORAVIAN FALLS, NORTH CAROLINA, JANUARY, 1915. NO. 11. The War Tax. Put a war-tax on us, Woodrow, Spread it thick and pile it high; Tax us when we're born, and also Tax us when we come to die. Tax each step of life's procession, Till we moulder back to dust; Make us pay for war and murder But don't tax the Powder Trust. Put a war-tax on us, Woodrow; Soak U3 all that we can stand; Bloody war must be supported Let it rage on sea and land. Tax the widows and the orphans, Tax the land and tax the crops; Tax the bread crust in the cabin But don't tax the Cannon Shops. Put a war-tax on us, Woodrow; Make us buy your little stamps; Stick them on tne bread-line people, And the noses of the tramps. Tax the living and the dying, Tax the tomb and marble shaft; Tax us till we cry for mercy But don't tax the Armor Graft. James Larkin Pearson. DO YOU WANT MR. MORGAN? When you have read the con- tents of this issue you will, no doubt, say that it alone is worth a dime. Don't imagine that Mr. the house of Mammon forever. Morgan has done his best in this Deacon Skinn'em will now and exhausted his resources. He lead in prayer: is the most versatile aud original 0h Mammon, Th(m great writer m America. The next is- and incomprehensible being who sue will be as interesting, and as with a mignty hand the much of a surprise to you as this nations of the earth we numbly one. He is on intimate terms with bow before thee tQ worsllip every phase of human nature and grg name. Bless us, 0 Mam human endeavor. His pen pic- mon snowers of golden dol tures are true to life. He is a larg Blegg the harvests and give master of dialect and a wizard m nnrtion of ihm THpsh th words. Clothed in humor, satire, burlesque and ridicule, he pres- nts in. a logical way the pro- f oundest philosophy the world nas ever Known. xne readers oi ine rooi noner have it in their power to secure the continuance of Mr. Morgan s and poor and get al with; contributions. My present ar- mighty little. And now O Mam rangement with him expires m m0n, bless tMs congregation. March, but if subscriptions con- Bless parson Bigsalary and fill tinue to come m as they have m him up so full with unction that the past three weeks it will en- he will spill over Blesg the able me to secure his permanent feather on sister Porkpacker's connection, with the paper.- It is hat, for it's a daisy, and I won to this end that I ask the present der what it cost. Bless the silver subscribers to do their very best buckle-on the number 3 shoe that to increase the circulation of the Miss Goldhammer has on her paper by sending in .large clubs number 4 foot. Bless Miss Sil from now until March. We want verside' low neck dress, and Mr. Morgan with us and can have that part of her bosom which the him if we get the support he de- iaw Dermits her to ns to th serves. Now let us all take a long pull, and a strong pull, and put the question of keeping him beyond doubt. If it is right for my government to tote a big gun andkeep itself in readiness to kill people, why in the mischief ain't it right for me to do the same thing? THE CHURCH OF MAMMON. By W. S. Morgan. My brothers and sisters in love, (with gold) ; I shall open the ser vices this morning by. reading the 423rd Sam. Mammon is ray shepherd and I shall not want. ' . . He leadeth me into pleasant pastures, and permitteth me to reap in the industrial fields where I have not sown, He provideth me a yacht to ride on the waters, and an auto mobile to go whizzing down the pike. He permitteth me to lie in pleas ant beds till late in the morning, and to lie to the people until late in the evening. He installeth me in high places and permitteth me to make the laws and appoint courts. Yea, though I am hauled up before his honor, he delivereth me out of the hands of justice and electeth me to Congress. He filleth my hand with gold and my belly with yellow legged chicken. the mQney and the pQwer tQ tax the pe0ple and I shall dwell in to:lArs :n hft nrV shops and fields who produce the good th-ngg for this and then kindly give us half of tne products of their toil. Put it in their hearts f ,mkft mir RmT.p larffftr for thftV arp -i hearts public ; and bless the hobble skirt which enables her to show the caif 0f her hind leg when she steps up to get in her buggy. Bless old sister Aristocrat's gold handle umbrella. Bless old Dea con Moneybag ; may he long be stronS PiUar in the church, and be more liberal in his contribu tions. Bless the politicians who divide the toilers against thera- selves. Give us most of the good things that come from the earth and we shall ever praise thy name. Amen. The congregation will now rise and sing the folowing hymn: Here are our purses filled with gold Drawn from the toilers' hand We tax them all, both young and . old, Through profits and rent on lands. We sock it to 'em day and night; They pay in oash or notes; mr A ' To be our slaves is their delight; They approve it by their voes. My dearly beloved: We have De bad ni h he late met this morning to worship the cm an d u god we love, the mighty Mam- de Wflite mon, whose influence ob human late on de cr an d lecfhilm affairs is greater than that of all to Congress. the other gods put together. In . , ' , ', this magnificient structure of De savage Injun he skelps his wood and stone and delicately enem1 tot de civilized whit painted windows, built with man he skm hls fren s hands not our own, we meet to De killin' ob one man, de lair praise the god who has prospered say,. am murder, but de killin ' ob us in this world's goods. In this thousands am wah, and dat am house, richly decorated by the 'speetable; but dat am a philo arts of man and the riches of the sophy dis ol' niggah doan' un' earth, there is no smell of old erstan . clothes, or presence of under - stable citizens." The delicious chu ch to git license to cheat an' odor of onions and eight year old slip up on de blin' side ob de pub whiskey fills the air with its frag- lie am about de wustest man on ance, and the beautifully tinted de airth. red noses of the congregation De man whose 'ligion doan' harmonize with the varied colors bodder his business now-a-days of the windows. Verily, my be- doan hab much 'ligion or am loved, our god has prospered us. doin' a limited 'mount ob busi He hath led us in the paths of ness. De woman who cuts her dress the choice fruits froin the fields iow in de neck to Hract de'tea of industry to our hearts content. ti0n ob de male sex, aometimta He hath given us luxurious pal- tract mo Jtention an A aces built with other hands. He take care ob. hath helped us to reap where we , A . , . , have not sown. He hath soften- , De,man who votes to' what h ed the hearts of the laborers who doan an c he a peered & toil and sweat in the fields, shops JT wh.a wants b, votm' and mines, that thv mav hi f? , am a failure an' ort to swap the blessea privilege of dividing places m society a Bm gat their earnings with us who When de preacher gits right "neither toil nor, spin," yet we down tu tellin' ob the plain trooi have Solomon "skinned" in the about riches dere 's some .painful matter of dress, and Croesus S(iuirmin' hein' done in de aggre 1 'faded" in the extent of riches. gatin an' dat preacher am liable He hath given us courage, my be- to ose ns jD loved, so that we fear not the If all de business in dis ole voices of discontent, nor heed the world had to be measured wid de cries of anguish of the poor and golden rule dere's lots ob big distressed. The supplications of business firms dat would be out'n the widows and orphans keepeth a job. us not awake, for Mammon hath De 'ligion what aint good only taught us that these things need one day in de week aint a gwine be, and if the husbands and fath- to wear long enough to git to heb- eis vote to give us tne greater en. wf-tirearfingS' T?ale a Dere's a string reachin' from legal right to keep what they ebery man's heart to his pocket give us and they ought not to ex- book; when de pocket-book doan' 'tC rA"" i" " j . J pam ia uiuau aiiu. UUI Way Is 1 easy and if the Socialist band wagon don't upset our ehariot we shall soon own the world, for we have nothing to fear from any other vehicle that eomes down the pike. "Many are dld but few are chosen' ' to rule the world, and, beloved, we are the "chos en." Mammon, bless us all, and continue to pour in upon us a stream of golden shekels; and may he continue to furnish blind bridles for the fools who are so numerous that it is necessary to have war" to give them an op portunity to kill each other off. The congregation will now rise to its feet and be dismissed. And now may the spirit of Mammon be with us all while we g out and do some more skinn- m8 &eAan SAYINGS OF UNCLE HOSE. 1 De hypercnt dat imes d aPen po' an' needy it's a sho sign dat de string around de heart. am closed 4 'War brings out all there is in a man," says Toothadore Specks velt. Such as gruts, for instance.