Newspaper Page Text
THE FOOL-KILL January, 1915. The Devil's Letter. T All the Pools of the Earth : ' My Dear Huckleberries: It has been a long time since I wrote to you, but business has been so brisk down here in my regions since the war in Europe began that I haven't had time to write. I have been busy day and night for over five months. Most of the immigrants who are coming here now are the fools who are shoot ing each other down without any cause whatever, and with nothing to quarrel over between them selves and without any hope of reward. They are doing it be cause their rulers tell them to and because they are made to be lieve that it is patriotism. By the way, that thing called patriotism is about the smoothest dope that rascals ever rubbed in on fools. Just a little of it will make a man forget his religion, kill his grand mother, climb a tree and be a Monkey all the days of his lite It will make a man forsake his home, kill his father or his broth er, neglect his wife and children, and transform him into a vicious and bloodthirsty brute. This is the kind of patriotism that I man ufacture. There is a brand on the outside of the label, and if you will raise the label and look on the other side you will see my trade-mark, the 1 'CLOVEN HOOF," and you will then know that it is manufactured in hell. The patriotism which Jesus in vented and introduced to the world nineteen hundred years ago, "Peace on Earth and good . will to mankind," has gone out of date and is not used to any ex tent even by His own disciples. The Socialists and the Quakers are the only two organizations on earth today that use it m prefer ence to the article I manufacture. You can easily tell the difference in the two articles. Mine is branded "WAR PATRIOTISM," while that of Jesus has on the label "PEACE PATRIOTISM. " There isn't enough of the Jesus brand to be considered as a com petitor in the market. The Big Business institutions are the dis tributors of my brand of patriot ism, especially those that manu facture guns, ammunition, cloth ing, beef and other supplies of war. Nearly all the politicians are my traveling agents. I have licensed agents in every communi ty who keep constantly on hand a good supply, and quite frequent ly preachers boot-leg it out in the country. There is no mistake as to its popularity; it has been in dorsed by Congress and the State Legislatures, and the label bears the signatures of approvals of presidents, governors, kings, em perors, and other potentates. It is used in the colleges and uni versities where they drill young men in the use of death dealing instruments, and instill in their hearts a thirst for blood. I dis pose of more of this dope than all other kinds put together and it makes more fools out of men, and plenty of fools make a rich har vest for hell. The Peace dope is not popular; if you perist in us ing it all the hounds of hell will be yelping at four heels ealling you a coward end traitor. Now, you are no doubt wonder ing why I am telling you all these things; why I am so frank with you. You no doubt think it will hurt my business; that there won't be so many fools come here when they know just how it is. Well, that is true to some extent. I won t get quite as many volun &v ivu v iv"- teers to emigrate to this place, but they will Be a better brand of fools. There e nave Deen iois ing here that, as of fellows coming soon as they got inside of the gate and found where they were, would begin to blubber and make the baby plea "I didn't know. I was doing anything to send me to hell." Then they would fall down on their bellies and grovel in the dirt and ask me to let them out. Mow, I am over stocked with that kind of cattle, and I don't want any more of them if I pan he.ln it. That's the reajjnn r ; I am teling you the truth. If you don't believe me eret vour Bihle and see what it says. Turn to the Ten Commandments: "Thou 4- Uill it mi, t i tells you that no murderers shall enter the kingdom of heaven, That's what God says about it. One of the great generals of the snail, JLLUb Ji.iJ.1. AUK SailltJ UUUH I u. o. army 101a tne people tnat ''War is hell," and you are be- ng torn tnat every day: and. be- illtl i 1 -a sides that you are seeing it. Now, if you come to hell after all this evidence you may expect a warm welcome. I want to say a few more words out this ."War Patriotism" dope. I have been usinff it on the dope. 1 nave Deen using it on the nations 01 JiiuroDe lor over 40 years. I made them believe that by arming themselves and sustain- ing large standing armies they wouiu pievem war. acn nation did its best, but I think Germany built the biffsest. ffims and Hll01 the most men. Then I shipped in a lot of the "Patriotism" dope ana my agents rubbed it on the fools; the result was that they went, at eaoh nthora' 'tTimata .A now I've got a good sized hell up there on earth. Now let me give lyou an idea that perhaps you never thought of. You take two or three gangs of cattle that all a,a.t man wno steals enougn k k on gr . -have horns and nnt thom tntmtW chickens will git rich, an de man XT j . . .J. x " r "' i-v6viiv1. horns are the worst to fight. Now dehorn these cattle and they will quit fighting. I figure that men have got almost as much sense as cattle, and therefore ought jto know how to put a stop to wars. If they don't do it, do you blame me for wanting to scoop in the "whole shootin' match?" In my next letter I wanttotellyou about - i -i -i -it . . anomer aope wmcn I use that is SES,"., " "Far xaixiuuaiu uuuipuuiiu. it. is a dope that almost everybody uses to some extent, especially the fools. They are always my best customers. Hoping to see you in the future, I am, Yours truly, SATAN DEVIL " Asthe price'of wheat ioes up, the si7p nf thp lmf o-otc cmoiil ei!hl five cents for Innkino-nthZ y five cents for looking at the place where a loaf used to be. UNCLE MOSEYS SERMON. (Reported by W. S. Morgan) Dear brederin' an' frens s: 1 se ain't gwine ter take any text dis mo'ninV t'se.a gwine ter 'spostu- . ...I,-..? wVipn T takes lftte on a subjec . When i .turn a subjec' I can fortufy it wid all de texts in ae uiDie. uv huujou dat ise a gwine to 'spostulate on nV a A h an' de T . . . . t -d Pre' I se gwine ter start out wid assertin' de propersitaon dat de rich am too rich to deyer hurt an' de pore am too pore to deyer hurt. Ley ain't any Doay but only dem who has jist enough oe comiu uui, vu - as happy as dey ought ter he, fo de ricii am er Darin Qown a 'em f 'om de one side an de pore . , , , -j j am 'er scrougin em om de ud- der side. Some say it am t no ha m ter be rich an' it am't no crime ter ka nnrp Rnt flat's a Tnnln, at 'elusions, anddis bright mij, wid de sun shmmn in de wmders an' de birds er singm in de trees, I puts de question ter de ' r Z . . bb";, fm, an' how dat pove ty git lnnO uIf ... . . , . - Dar am t no use a trying : ter cover tnmgs wia a - de blanket am full ob holes. When de wnite man gits up in ae mo - nm' an goes to de cnicnen coop i -. i J T an' make de Wery dat a lot ob chickens done disappeared m ae uuuC. uiDaFFuC "8"w "c "" lci "c .uoiy v.. dem chickens wuz stole 11 iey s a Daa niggan m ae near oy ciny he spects dat mggah. Any how Xf , , r r ; an' if he fin s em m the session of a mggah he includes dat dat niggah stole dem chickens. An' it's jis de same wid de bad white w,lu.u ?bb-y. de?ods include dat de thief am not fur f .Now my foen's we tab fome er d clon a .chickens 'longs ter de man who r.alses, em. an , we a1?0 lnolud? i , , hole in de bldat 7 can t Help seem wnat s unaer yse wlU ?my m;, , .Now de same logic plies t all Pn s 0D, PPerty; ae P1,"?.0. as moaj? flet eaea b rkm fur, .haV?r some11wa.?' hab ltKglb,tter JeU f16 hul? de benefit ob de doubt.,an sa ,1!eT.stole uNow de Bible says "Thous shalVnot otno I 77 lion Ho man whrk oroolc i rr vT Ltrtalr"'. , d udde.r Pe0Ple PTore' . . J0ne time when Jesus was here 011 dis. moondone sefere dar wuz a young man g0t victed ob hls sins- Dar was n0 moa'ner's bench n de near ,3Ulity7 an' be went up ter Jesus an' axei nim wnat e flS te bGi SYedJ Den JeSS to1 him keeP d command- ments. De young man say toe hot,. irftn' pVh li i,ia n.n Jesus tol' him: "If thou wouldst be perf&c' go and sell what thou hast an gib ter de pore and folkr me." Dat let de cat out o' de bsg, fo' de Bible say de young man was sorry dat he sprung de main question, fo- he was berry riafe an' had much prope'ty. De Bible makes it plain dat he doan' want t divide up. We am left ter ST1'mise what he done wid dem chickens an' udder prope'ty what ne got so uuuiui uu- i''u" . . , re tm d(J e got left, an', he doan' want ter gib it back t' 'em. Dar ain't much doubt in my mind dat he g0 straitway an' jine de Republi- y shmers, habhi' er time an5 gettin' toios' all de hiekens uMqt things what wu'kedlia'd ter raise. De 'crnrvivn is Ha.t. rlis vniinf man's , dg ,cmaildmeilts M his am oniy technally true, am like some of our q) like Dea. ttv a ;w a uuii JLXUuaiii. uuci iuu. -ixx vac u dg or Brudder .fa behin him ju.' 'pioyes labor in - . - J " . I hio fiAlHc ni ronto Hem rk Ho nif. h ,'de Mt f d , de eotto an dg De Deacon b . d on his ians De Deacon he an, dg mt nore. Brederin.' dar's annnd- - . .. hab opSned de hole s0 0use all . , , p.MBflla hQ - UUUVA -k-VUk) 1 1-4. ULV V V V .U U W i jji uiiiini uaKii in i if. itwii n. i . . v T 3 , ,lf , ... den haK dey make. rio i;i, j I fa . - Jb- Jesus , lain d b de e'mandments an' dey tend de A , , . -.fl . , J? fo dem ai, fo, off de taxes what dey owe jis like Annernias did, but dey V , , , ' , .. ' murdel. tex kill "em att off like de Lawd did de afo' said jn d trittin.rter an' dk mW i ivw, uvou ui JX1 clil SlSLBr- ' 1 lueMate - . some udder moA, 'venient tinTe. De nex' se m(m be f, text ..j thy neiehbor as thvsp.lf " T vain 'spostulate on dis text on de fust Sunday alter same good brudder brings me a nice fat 'possW Dggregiition may noTstan' up on to feet an' be dSLSed' de Lawd GawThave" Vj,u',u 1AC mercy on youse all while you am tryin' fer git the best uaaer m noss trades endurin' of de week days. ' : ' menever it becomeg g . tn ni A rtffl necessary to send to tis office a complaint about subscribers not getting their PaPer, you should always send the fuU names and dresses of the subWibeic ho have failed to . xV cu 10 get the paper. Unless this rule obserred there is no way of get- ting at tie trouble.