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THIS PAPER, IN SPITE OF ITS NAME, DOES NOT BELIEVE IN KILLING PEOPLE.
VOL. VI. MORAVIAN FALLS, NORTH CAROLINA, NOVEMBER, 1915. NO. 8 WONDERS. A feller come along, he did, An' tuck my photograft; Hit looked so like my ugly self I busted out an' laughed. "Ye done it that's a fack,' sez I, "But that's the limit, shore; Thar can't be no improvement made On what's bin done before." Next time I saw that pictur man He'd made sich awful strides That he could look right through my clothes An' pictur my insides. I had to own up it was done, But told the feller, flat, That I was certain he could not Do nothin' more than tl at. I hummed a little snatch of song, With music rare an' choice; An' fust thing anybody knowed He'd photograft my voice. He started up a phonograft, "Now listen here," sez he; An that-thar measley instrument Jist sung an -talked like me. A man across on t'other hill Yelled "Hello thar!" to me, An' I could hear each word he said As plain as plain could be. "Im goin' to stretch a fencin' wire On poles," sez he, an' smiles, "Then you an me can talk on that Fer most a dozen miles." Of course I knowed it wouldn't work At least, the chance was small; But when he got his wire strung up, Hit did work, after all. "Hold on," sez I, "dont l6t success Completely crack yer lid; YouH never talk a hundred miles It simply can't be did. But, bless yer soul, that crazy man, With bales of wire unfurled, Kept on at work till he at last Talked half around the world. "All right," sez I, "you're pretty smart, That much I will admit; But I will swear the limit's reached, An, so I guess you'll quit " Deliberately he cut the wires An' let the poles stand bare; Then talked around the earth an' back Jist on the naked air. James Larkin Pearson. IN THE GOOD OLD F. S. A. Onward Dear old Hypocrites Marching as to war, We have lent our flag to the devil And he's marching on before. To try to stir up trouble "Within the dear old states, Great Britain she is bidding couae And Germany only waits. Bring on your sons and daughters And drag them down to shame, Just any thing to please the rich, And give some War Lord fame. We know that great society Is always talking war, You never get them in the front, It always is the poor. They tell you to be loyal And serve your country well, And when the war is over The poor don't get a smell. H. L. BEE. Some people are so mean that they will pat you on the back before your face, and then turn right around and hit you in the eye behind your back . A LOVE LY INTERVIEW The Washington correspondent stances of the case will compel of The Fool-Killer called on Presi- us to have a pretty swell wTed dent Wilson at the White House ding, in view of my official posi last week to talk with him about tion and all that ; but really both the burning questions of the day Mrs. Gait and myself are in favor and to get his opinions on cer- of having it as simple as the con tain important matters. ventions of society 'will allow." When I was ushered into his By this time I had colllected presence, the president was seat- enough data on the presidential ed alone at his desk, with a fresh love affair to give me a start, after bouauet in his button-hole, and which the going was easy. in his eyes a far-away, dreamy x ' I expression such as I have often seen m the eyes oi spring poets i and other young people who were hopelessly in love and didn't want to get out. Not wishing to take up any more of the president's valuable time than was necessary, I pitch- ed ngnt m: "How are you getting along with Germany, Mr. President?" I asked. "Her name isn't Germany its Mrs. Norman Gait and I tell wp ATP alonor -mst. fine," was the president's earnest reply. Seeing that his mind was not on Germany and the war, I made another effort to lead him out by papers tnat . . there was a very important en A gagement on the western battle- front a few days ago. Do you think it means the turning-point of the war, as some have claim- ed?" The president lifted his eyes from a photograph on his des and gazed dreamily oat of the window as he replied: Yes, I should say it was an important engagement -for her 4 and me, at least. "We have been engaged for nearly a month rado! Lift up your heads and mighty hne chums here m Colo now." ' behold vour kinsr. For verilv I rado for a few days. Then I will "Do you think it likely that the war will be over any time soon, Mr. President?" I empha- sized the word "war" to get his attention. ried some time in December," he replied, bringing his eyes back to the photograph on the desk. "Have you sent off that note to England yet, about holding up and delaying our commerce on the high seas?" I next inquired, too hot for us if we didn't change lTy 10 aance witn my lashionable "Oh, you see I don't have to our tactics. So he decided for me wife and kiss my blue-blooded send notes to Mrs. Gait any to take the reins of government babies. Suppose you try to bor more," he replied sweetly. "I into myhands and see if I could row my silk embroidered nicht have just had a private telephone sorter pacify the restless and . , ' line built between my apartments grumbling workers. . f stlck owr smeUy car' and her home on Twenty-First And so, my dear servants, you cass under m7 perfumed sheets. Street." are hereby invited to salute your Just try any of them stunts if "What are you going to re- new king. I come to you with a you please, Mister Miner, and commend to Congress on the sub- new industrial gospel. Ye have see how quick and how hard you ject of military preparedness for heard that it was said by my old hit the side walk this country?" I asked. "Do dad: "",,, you favor a big increase in ex- "Starve 'em out, durn 'em, ' 0h e9 we and penditures for national safety?" And shoot 'em and burn 'em." pardners" to beat forty kinds "Oh," he answered, rousing but verily I say uneo you that of thunder himself from a sort of reverie, "as to that, I expect the circum- ... - . . And so you are not going to lavor the extravagant waste oi money wmcn is oeing urgeu uy Garrison and Daniels and their ring?'7 I asked, doubtfully. ".Garrison and Daniels haven't got a thing m the world to do with it." the president replied, with just a little touch of irrita- uuu m uis vuiuc, . uut u it tuc engagement ring you're talking about, I paid $75.00 for it, and don't consider that extravagant, either." A glance at my watch showed me that I must be eroinsr. ' 4 Well, Mr. President," I con- eluded, rising, "I have greatly enjoyed your wise remarks on the war situation. I now feel more than ever convinced that whatever is entrusted to your r'i 'n v - n i i care win De wen taKen care oi. Thank you, he said, extend- mg his hand. "That's what I told Mrs. Gait, and1 she said she'd rish it. Drop m any time aiter Christ- mas and ill introduce you to her.77 r AN INDUSTRIAL SERMON By King Johndee II. Hello here, you ragged and half -fed mining slaves of Colo- have left my palaces in the East and have come out here to soft- soap you ignorant guys. , My old dad has turned things over to me, and I am now crown- I, JL ed King Johndee II. Dad saw there is between you and me, sup- that his old methods of dealing with the labor situation were running down at the heels, and that the Industrial Relations Commission and other friends of humanity were going to make it taffy and soft soap shall be my weapons. My old dad has been a toler able good business man in his day, but he never was any good at acting the hypocrite. He held you folks in utter contempt while he bled the dollars out of you, and he wras perfectly frank in letting you know how much above you he felt himself to be. If you didn't like it, you just had to lump it. You couldn't help 1 yourselves. -out tnat nietnoa gradually ucyciucu a hjjjxal ul uiucst among folks that was dangerous-. to our continued lordsaip oyer you. i ioia dad tnat sometnmg would nave to De done, and He has sent me out here to do it. Dad told you the bitter truth, u uauxx j.ji.ixAav iuau he ever was. I am going to try tying and flattery. I am going to pretend to come down on a level with you lolks I say PEE- reaiiy isn t so, Dut yon ain t got sense enough to see the difference. I am going to put on a .miner's suit and go through the mines with you. I will take a pick and dig a few chunks of coal. I will go and eat with you in your I l; t i . caoms. x win oorrow your nignt- shirts and sleep on your hard, dirty beds. I will dance with your awkward and ignorant wives and kiss your ragged, tow- neaded babies. In this way I will prove to you that we are equals and that I do not hold myself above you. All that fine mix ing" is certain to make me popu lar among you, and then you will lorget how I murdered some of I ! "IT 1 - ,1- -ii K""1 W1VC dUU ucuow. es, boys, we are going to be g back to New York, and me dad will have many a hearty laugn at your expense. But now if you really want to hnd out how much ' ' ecmalitv V pose you go to New York and try to get into my private office, Suppose vou invite vonwlf a take flimsy wn me my pjfi, A . - -" mansion, ouppose you