Newspaper Page Text
I W lor-My I go cot to play?
t'lT -Xo today. You have a
JjlwcuUl boc bar. it get worn forth
"v!ir I to ,be ,u,re ,or ,0tt, ,t'"
. ' Tu know."
"-I nl northing now."
..vjv Island have mypliotograph taken.
kmw bow I looked when I'm
MmT:i... You bad your photograph
tli;n,ltlt"'k;" . .
i; tu ntilit l-t me go and bare a
t))vtb f-alird anyhow." Hood News.
( lljd r'allh Theae.
, v,r r.miin on In yer new place?"
-t jmii'i JoUniutf f Matilda Snowball.
. ..;,.:. laid up nioah den f JO. and I
-.t:n t j
rt afivml dry will bold back yer
,.. I e isot prrfec' confidence in 'em."
A Vmrttttm wf til.
-I. tb; building fireproof?' asked the
Kin v.;:h bltu
and a large gripsack.
-y-t it tixi rv a ikxik agent. replied to
r cvJh InMVrly Washington Star.
h 1 bar lorrd Ton all along.
f-liaTe you? Fdidn't know It. J oat
tolas of the ga we baTe watted! Truth.
1 tat,-. US the breath af last stove!" e-
m.iltn: KtaelswraaywaeaUw wwe.
npie.- rmn ike alttlag room itove. Coal-caa la
ko ; -peif ma or lixru." csmsand wltfe the
r:a prrna afflicted with catarrh, but
tlsix EU) other aysiptoaM the scase of nail
ofro dvaJrned. so the aulaier to asoosscloa
,1 t!, uVieoea.of his praeeaet. Way say
! J1 nlar uca a palatal, sanfrrous and
tin derate, whea Dr. safes Catarrh lew
ejuaxslyMeat will ears the stoat
ititvrn tmt, l cne of lb away atyetertea.
-rwprr.;ntoraraocoaflJest of the oaceaea at
nUMVtnh ErmrJT. thu they otr to forfeit
tvv far urr care of catarrs ttov casast cam. It
ou:j or taleide fir their iindy. for the a to
mi tan 9r. sslnw they aaderatosd It exact
STMSSER'S Ol CACO
)K( UK5TKA. lAVESroKT. Ia.
20 iCEX SO
jir t aroi'hrJ tor partle. reception, thes--.t:c.
An rx.-ellent ttrtna U.uarieU ami y jln
t, :: for rrcptlnn ami evening eawnataawau.
Jicotraor. Uirocuir: llreiy Hiodt Mana
err K-t ! Trlr""e So. IT. Downpnn;
uftcc: ll'jrsttvard Tamer Hall. Harm port.
Waoleaile Dealer aad Importer of
Wines and Liquors.
1616 and 1618 Third Av
(Sicceaeor to II. WE2TDT.)
Merchant -:- Tailor,
119 EightewnUi 8treet.
layFit and Workmanship
intccd the Ikst.
Cleaning aad Repairing Done.
TIH5 AlUjhUa. THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 2.
MUCH OMOROEIIEO. HE CALLS MRS.
BlaaCai la BltTn.
light. Tall. M.r . wn, fy,
tOoprrlght. 1 by Charle a Ixwl,.
2jVIloWTr Bowaer came horn? the
Other CTenlng with that peculiar lraS to
omething was wrong.
.i.Th0to.!?,r,,?Kl the Interior e.f
fall on the floor and oat down in a war to
Jar the bourn from cellar to garret
t"m.of "We" "be replied. -Has
anything happened to the interior of our
If there ia another hooar in North Amer
ica run on your yatem.I'd like to aee it!
The wonder to me to that I haven't been
orttrea to the verge of desperation and com
mitUd tome awful deed. Mrs. Howaer. I
give you fair warning that that"
Mf- Borr sallowed the lump in
bis throat . and flushed up and glared around
like a liarr drlrrn to bay.
WiU you please explain what has han
Pedr' quietly asked Mrs. Bowser.
"Look at mer- he hoarsely whispered as
harass up and extended hia arms at full
"Why. what's wrong?"
"What's wrong! Look at the act of this
collar this shirt-this coat! I'm all hunch
ed up and humped over! I've felt like a
tan tied up in a sack all the afternoon,
and when I got off the street car I fall on
"Let me see if I can find out what's the
natter. You were late this morning aad
in a great hurry about dressing. Let me
helpyou off with your coat. Do you sea
this. Mr. Bowser?"
"Here is one of your suspenders twisted
around on your back. In your hurry you
forgot to slip it over your shoulder. The
other one Is also unbuttoned behind. It's
no wonder you felt hunched up, as you call
It Let's get your vest off."
"I'd like to know who dared fool with my
clothes in this fashion!" growled Mr. Bow
ser as be wriggled out of his vest.
"Look at thin!" said Mrs. Bowser as she
removed a towel from bis shoulder. "I gave
you this clean towel as I went down stairs.
"LOOK AT ME!"
and yon threw it over your shoulder and
left it there. That was one of the humps
"I'll give tiO.000 to find the party who
played that game on me!" shouted Mr.
Bowser, trying to look very fierce.
"And you say your shirt bunches up?"
"Hunches! Why, the blamed thing has
been trying to climb over my bead all day,
while my collar has almost sawed off my
Mrs. Bowaer turned him around and
opened his shirt and qnietly observed:
"It's uo wonder I looked the whole house
over for your nightshirt and couldn't find
"Oh! I suppose you have discovered it
under my collar button!" he replied.
"A portion of it is. In your burry you
didn't take it off, but put on your day shirt
"What! Are you trying to make out that
I'm a born idiot'." howled Mr. Bowser as
be danced around. "I know I never did a
thing of that sort."
"But it's there, and no wonder you felt
to uncomfortable. I don't see how you got
your collar around your neck." '
! to -Ides fcov !
No man can afford to nave a mck Wife or
Daughter, nor. in such times as these,
A big Doctor bilL Zoa Fhora cares
the sickness, saves the bills.
What Is the coafBtiM of yowra? Is yoerr teir y,
tianii siiiiu ivw k ntit at the ends? Has it a
Mekss atipmraac? Does it fall oat whea combed or
btwahed? is it fa of oaadrvff? Does your scarp Itch ?
a H dr or (a a lMartl codilitioa ? If these are Some Of
tewlBMreaaoBi. Tta prodaeUna ta sot TJSiTLlX'ZTa. ul
iitiii. knrbu.o( 1M. dumimrf taa kaJraaaaoalp
rry of fcowto irsat tmrm. "ataana "aaoaatt
ToakJi Ry t
tfaotaPmoataa.lia-lirrarrconitac aad ryJfJJ
loo MUctaa, at ttarajalliaa ar. mm saadnuT awd
ttv Com the seslT) elsaa. haaltar. sad free frrwn IrrilatraroiaBMoaa, p
is ao at Aiiiin.1 Afaa anna. ltdawwsaranfia aaMi'ii, naia jmmmm
US'HStimmmM ooptIt j and dtreet to as..aad vyw forward
e J yW sJaWSWa - ... . aa. gasiM fPfa dsfh '
Ta SKOOKUH ROOT nKjww
m aaansi Ftnai Awasa, Vmm Task. a-T.
"A FAIR PAC3 LIAY PROVO A FOUL DAR
GAI." LnVA PLAIN GIRL IF CI 10 UCZO
aalrtr neflrwsaoeosaaTwieaaMsnejcesaaa j
toe Hush on his cheeks.
"I do, and keroisoneof yoorsocteeaugfat
an the backleof yowt tronwia aad rolled
up In a ball!"
"And I did It myself?"
"Why. who else could have done it?"
Mr. Bowser marched off op stairs and re
dressed himself. In doing so hecameacroos
the necktie be bad worn the day before
smuggled away between fate two shirts. He
realized that he didn't have much of a case
against Mrs. Bowser, but it would never do
to let her off scot free. Tlwrefore, as be
came down stairs and she asked if he didn't
feel more like himself, he drew himself up
to bis full height, looked down at her for a
proper length of time and then replied:
"Mrs. Bowser, don't let this thing bap
pen again not if you wish to continue liv
ing in your present position! That to all.
It to no us discussing the matter, and it
doesn't look well for a wife to give her hus
band any back talk. We will now go down
to dinner, and In overlooking the matter as
I have I trust you will be induced to be
more careful in the future!"
THE ARIZONA KICKER.
la Which Happily Mo
Mctcallt Mistakes. Monday night
tast at about U o'clock we left tbeSpread
Eagle hotel for our bedroom in The Kicker
office. We had been playing draw poker
with an editor from Santa Fe and an alder
man from Tombstone and had won over
WOO. We have no apologies to make as a
pokertot. We found the game hepe when
we arrived, and one of our earliest discov
eries was that the Alison editor who didn't
play poker didat run much of a paper.
We had leathtd Cochise avenue on our
way home when something bumped against
us in the darkness. When a citiaen of this
town collides with anytb ing after 10 o'clock,
he generally begins shooting It may be
mule, and it may be a man, but it to
safest to find that out afterward. In thia
ease It was our esteemed fellow citizen.
Major rant water, who was drank, as usual,
and trying to find his way home. We both
began faring at the same iastana, but after
polling trigger four times we recognised
the peculiar grunt which the major utters
when excited and called out to him. He
bad fired Ave shots to our four, and the
wonder is that neither of us was wounded.
We ware dodging what we thought was a
pair af hind feet belonging to an astray
mu'. and the befuddled major took us tor a
billboard blown over on him by the gale
which was raging. After the shooting we
took off our coat and were going to lick him
within an inch of his life, but the major
lay down and cried, and we finally led him
borne and helped his wife pull his boots off.
We do not look upon this as a warning for
H ? ...
WE WERE DODGING.
us to eschew the game of poker in the future,
but rather as a caution to such of our citi
zens as get drunk to either start for home
at a more seasonable hour or to take the
middle of the road and thus keep clear of
Afologetical. While we aim to run
The Kicker on metropolitan lines, and
while no human reptile can bluff us down
when we know we are in the right, we do
not claim to be infallible. In the rush and
bustle of getting out a great family news
paper, mistakes are liable to occur, and
when we find ourselves in the wrong we do
not hesitate to admit the fact. During the
last few weeks we have unintentionally
wronged certain of our fellow citisens, and
we now proceed to apologize, as follows:
First It was stated in a local item that
Colonel White, proprietor of the Red Front
saloon, had been tarred and feathered by
the citisens of Prescott for beating bis
wife. The colonel has furnished us posi
tive proofs that he was never in Prescott in
all his life, and that the whole story grew
out of an attempt to lynch him at Tucson
for shooting an Indian.
Second Some three weeks since we had
a breezy item detailing the escape of ex
Judge Lucas from Sing Sing. The judge
has documents to prove that he was never
an inmate of that institution. He was
once in jail hi Ulinoto, and was allowed to
escape by the sheriff because the roof leak
ed and the walls threatened to cave in.
We did him an injustice and hereby apolo
gise. Third While we were out hunting jack
ass rabbits a few weeks ago an item slipped
Into the paper to the effect that Mrs. Cap
tain Drayton, whose high teas were a great
social feature last winter, was formerly a
concert hall singer in Chicago. During a
school vacation many years ago, when she
was a thoughtless girl, she handed around
beer in a summer garden in St. Louis for
about a month. The whole story grew out
of that, anil we trust that this explanation
may restore her to that high position in
society from which she has been tempora
Fourth About four weeks ago we had a
brief and crispy editorial paragraph in
quiring if our popular register of deeds in
tended to remain drunk for the remainder
of the year. As near as we could figure
out be hadn't seen but three sober days in
two months. He has come forward "with
proofs that he was perfectly sober and able
to do business for U days out of the 60,
and we hereby tender him a public apol
ogy.: Fifth In a very readable article pub
lished last month we referred to Professor
Johnson, the singing and dancing master,
as an ex-end man of some nigger minstrel
show. We thought he looked and acted it,
bat we were mistaken. He never traveled
with a troupe. He was never an end man.
He has never even been attached toa pano
rama or a balloon ascension. We not only
take it all back, bat shall begin next week
" -" -'-ir'-fr ' ' -TTtig lisaiini uf the
sandal aad upright gentleman who is fit
ting so many of our ciUaens to move ia
KILLING A TOWN. -
I wall tosswanbar the baalimkss. af the
ssalatBtrawbsrryHiU. -Trtrr fpaalhad
en trying nam tot a vear to an. as
of ns, but we held her level. Each town
bad a graveyard with the same number of
mounds in it. . Kach town had a doctor, a
postofflce and a lawyer. Turkey Bend bad
a case of cholera, and Strawberry Hill got
even by a cloudburst. Turkey Bend bad
an overflow, and Strawberry Hill met her
with an avalanche. W were rather gain
ing on the Benders when a delegation cams
up from that town one afternoon and invtt-
"WIU. TOC COSSEXT TO BE BUMS?"
ed us to torn out and come down next day
en masse to witness a hanging. That was
something we never had had, and the
spokesman of the delegation added insult
to injury when he said:
"The time may possibly come at Straw
berry Hill when you will want to hang a
critter, aad this will be a good opportunity
for you to see bow it's done and post your
selves. Turkey Bend extends the right
hand of fellowship and offers you front
seats and a fraternal welcome."
When the delegation had gone, we real
ised that something moat be done to save
our reputation. In this hour of peril we
looked to Judge Watkins, and after reflect
ing on the matter the judge said:
"We've got to beat 'em or slide back into
barbarism. If they are going to hang one
man, we must hang two. Have we any
patriots at Strawberry Hill? Gentlemen,
thar's Jim Williams and Hank Phillips.
They are poor, miserable reptiles who oner
be glad to die for the honor of this town.
Somebody git 'em out."
A messenger was dispatched for the two
men referred to, and when they had put in
an appearance the judge explained matters
"Now, then, will you consent to be hung
to git ahead of Turkey Bend? If you will,
we've got 'em; if you won't, it's the death
blow of this town."
Neither of the two men would consent.
The judge held it up to them that they
were miserable apologies for human beings
as they stood, but would rank with George
Washington if they would consent to be
hung, but they were obstinate about it.
Nothing he could say or the rest of us could
add would change their decision. Even
when the judge drew a picture of Straw
berry Hil! as a desolate and abandoned town
and wept over it their eyes never moistened.
When he realized that all further efforts
would be futile, he said:
"Gentlemen, it's no use, and we must
face the inevitable. When patriotism dies
out of a town, that town is bound to slide
back into barbarism. From this tainit we
begin to slide. Down thar i be lwnd to
morrer they will scoop us liig.i and drv, and
it'a the beginingof the end. How ttvosit h
miserable critters as Jim Williams and
Hank Phillips kin flatly refuse the glory
which awaits them is more'n I kin liggcr
out, but they do refuse, and that ends it.
Farewell, old Strawberry Hill! Patriotism
could bev saved you, but we hain't got no
They hung their man at Turkey Bend
next day according to profmimme, with a
sale of town lots nt miction immediately
following, and inside of six months Straw
berry Hill hadn't an inhabitant left.
A GIRL OF BUSINESS.
With ricara to Support Her. She Carried
"Father, I would like to see you in the
library on a matter of business."
"Very well. Viola come along. Now.
then, what is it?"
"Father, you are aware that Henry Noo
denbammer has been paying me his atten
tions for the last year?"
"Ves, and I've felt like kicking him! The
idea of a Noodenbammer daring to aspire
to toe hand of a Grafton!"
"He has asked me to be his wife."
"The scoundrel! Why, I'll maul the tar
out of him!"
"And I have almost promised,'
"What! What! My daughter marry a
Noodenbammer working for tl5 a week
Never! Go to your room while I seek the
"Father, I want to talk straight busi
ness with you," she interrupted. "As you
are aware, this is the state of Massachu
"Have you seen the vital statistics of the
state for the last year?"
"No, of course not. The idea of that Jim
Noodenbammer skulking around here after
"Wait! According to statistics, this state
has 871,940 more females than males. There
are 236,890 more marriageable girls than
can find husbands, to say nothing of 182,421
widows anxious for a No. 3. The number
of young men in the state earning over S15
per week and in the market to only 83.107.
There are camped on the trail of these
young men exactly 230,000 young women
and 150.000 widows. Three out of every
five children born are girls. Death removes
two young men to one married man or old
The old man turned pale and grasped a
chair for support, aad after a pause she
"From June to October over 80,000 mar
riageable young women visit our watering
places, and it is estimated that 81.443 of
them catch husbands, thus further reduc
ing the chances of a resident. Father, take
this pencil and figure on your Viola's
chances of catching another man if she lets
James Noodenbammer canter away."
"Great Scott!" he gasped, after figuring
for a moment. "Whv. vonr chM
only one in 21,875,f7!"
"Just as I figured it out myself. What
shall I say to him this eveninat?"
"Say! Say! Why, tell him you'll have
him and be mighty glad of the chance, and
don't kt him draw a long breath before
you add that the eeremonv ean tmk nUn.
right after breakfast tomorrow morning,
aadthatPm to give you a wedding pres
v wm oa,w in caaar' M. QUAD.
Prison Missionary What are you ia tor,
Convict (bittrly)-Jast for
"No sb i. sir. I
Caatoria, Is Dr. Somaael Plters pracriptkm fa
ad Children). It contains neither Opium, Morpbiae i
osJscr Xarcotie cabatanco. It is a harmless mbetitsrto
for Patworie, Drops, Soothing Syrups, and Castor OH.
It is Pleasant. Its faarantee is thirty years nae try
Millions of Mothers. CastorU destroys Worma and sJlaya
ifeverigliness. Caetoria prevents vomiting Soar Card,
cures Diarrhoea and 'Wind Colic. Castoria relieves
teetUnc troubles, cures constipation aad flatulesscy.
isalmHates the food, regulates the
boarels, sivins; healthy and natural
-aria Is the Children's Paaacea-the MotherS :
taan imwllaw) milli isa for chll-
aotaershava iwpssaadrwjUaaeaf Ms
Da, a. a
I hope the day to sot
wlU eosatdsr the real
" OaaSor la Is so well I liaii I si
Owr physkasns ia the eaudrea
swfflfnasHw the real I sacs hi their wawaaa
aUxlUa!!TaCaiii,'i "" r""""l " eair haws sssaag war
aawajkmnia tadaaaw.ayforcSBXopBaa, prassota, yet wears free to eaatwa taZ'tha
lUju'y.--' Ibna ls73isMhT aauff UkT ""' tolsskB
to i in i i i. tj nswiiii asrjiiM
Coaway, Ai. Ausat C. Sam, rVta,
THE IIOLINE WAGON,
Uoline Wagon Go.
UsMllxXums ol FAR1I, SPRUG AliD FREIGHT WAG0Z3
A roll aad eomptota liae of Platrbraa aad ntaar Sprtwg STp .rTimsIrr I
idanisa Ilhusntad Pries 1
f Itcanoa. Bee the MOUHS WA4MM baton
Prfe. Last treses
Heating and Ventilating Enginears,
Gas and'Stoam Fitting,
A complete line ot Pipe, Brass Goods, Packing Hoaa,
Fire Brick Etc. Largest aad best equipped
establishment west of Chicago.
DAVDS tUAAJXL Molme, m 1 112. 114
Talephone 8068. Tslsphons 1148.
Rssldanos Telanhoaa 11 SB'
Everything in the line of spring vehicles, and tha
largest assortment of
Harness. Laprobes, Whips, Etc.
Mason's Carriage Works, ,
East Fourth 8treeL - DAVKNPOBT, IOWA.
B. F. DeGEAE,
Contractor and. BiiilcLer.
Office sad Shop 225 EighteenthQStreet
EOOX ICLAITD. TT.T.
omcs. so: ssn tanqivExuv, .
EOCX ELAED. IXsV