“Papa, is there really honor
among thieves?”
i "No, Mary. Thieves are just
as bad as other people.”
—Oregon Orange Owl.
Dear Editor:
Last Thursday I lost a cold
watch which I valued very highly,
as it was an heirloom. I im
mediately inserted an advertise
ment in your Lost and Found
column, and waited. Yesterday I
went home and found the watch
in the pocket of my other suit.
God bless your paper!
—Carnegie Puppet.
Brown arrived home at three A.
M. When he reached the front
door he found a burglar jimmying
it.
“Wait a minute, old man," said
Brown. “Let's strike a bargain.
I’ll open the door if you will go
in first.”
—Oregon Orange Owl.
■%:X.
' He: The Lord created man,
didn't he?
Prof.: Yes, why ask such a
(juestion ?
He: Well, why did he let us
pick our own teeth then?
—Wash. Cougar's raw.
'KrX
Cyril; What sise shoe do you
wear?
Gwendolyn: Well, four is my
size, but I wear sevens because
fours hurt my feet so.
—Pf. I. T, Voodoo.
Bride: I want a pound of
mincemeat—please take it from a
nice young mince.
—BuckneU Belle Hop.
-n.-X
A pun is a joke at which izverv
one groans, because they didn't
think of it first.
—Wisconsin Octopus.
An old black man who had 5petit
many years in a wheel chair wanted
to go on one last coon hunt before
be died. So he and his grandchil
dren, accompanied by several dogs,
started out.
Hardly had they pcnclrated the
swamps when they met a bear. All
turned tail and ran, leaving poor
Grandpap to his fate.
1 As they came panting into the
yard they called, “Oh, Mammy,
Mammy, Grandpap done got ct up
by a b’ar.”
“Foolishmcnt what yo’ speaks,
chillen. Yo’ Grandpap done enme
in ten minutes ago wid dc dogs!”
—Dartmouth Jack o’Lantcru.
An egotist is one who, reading
a book and not understanding
something in it, decides il is a
misprint.
—Goblirt.
Wealth has wings, but it doesn't
have any tail that you can put salt
on.
■ —Nebraska Atcgwan.
Fair one (tourist who is shav
ing outside of his lent): Do you
always shave outside?
Tourist: Certainly! Do you
think I’m fur-lined?
—Northwestern Purple. Parrot.
-itS
There are two sides to every
question—her side and the wrong
side.
—Missouri Outlaw.
Eat. drink and be merry—and
you’ll soon be drunk.
—Cornell Widow.- -
THE BESTwCOMEDY IN AMERICA
©, 1927, by Collegiate World Publishing Co. In arrangement with ( osnins Newspaper Syndicate. Inc.
SUPER-COURTESY
— Yale Record.
\n? (
Soph: Have you rvcr heard of
Ihc Scsqui-Ccntcnnial?
Fresh: No. What’s the name
of it?
Soph: What ?
Fresh: What did you say?
Soph: ] didn't say anything.
Fresh: Oh. I didn’t hear you.
—Carolina Buccaneer.
jf/'
Cin: In that death scene of mine I moved them all to
tears.
Emma; Yes, they knew you v.-erc only playing dead.
—Denison Flamingo.
I..AST REQUESTS
totb Century: Leave me if you
must, bul spare our family honor!
2cth Century: Leave rne tomor
row. but leave rne plenty of ali
mony.
—C a !i/o n::a /'c!ica tt.
Prof: Ami did 1 make myself
plain?
Frosh: No, God did that.
—('incinvati Cynic.
Bane: Wouldn't your mother
l»f' shocked if she saw you in that
bathing suit?
Slam: She sure would. It's
hers.
*■ -—Cornell Widow.
“I can’t swim.”
‘Why?”
“I ain’t in the wafer.”
—Ala. Rammer Jammer.
You can't rob a man of pride.
If he has nothing else to boact
about, he will boast that lie wears
thp same weight underwear all
year.
—G'Grady's Gnat.
Si Brown .stood on (hr corner
of the main street in the busy city
and.gazed .with open-mouthed as
tonishment at the stream of ve
hicles moving past. Finally he
turned lo his companion and said
in an awed voice:
“Tee-rusalcm. Hiram, they shore
are behind with their haulin', ain't
they?”
— KUmas Sour Owl.
a r.
Me: Do you know what they
call lemons in Sioux City?
She: -No, what?
lie: Lemons!
—Iowa Frivol.
If. my son. a woman values your
caresses above an unwrinJvlcd ball
gown, she loves you.
— M. 1. T. Voodoo.
Hones, like co-eds, are man’s
dumb friends.
- Wisconsin Octopus.
%. r
The wheels of time grind slowly,
but not so with a taximeter.
—Colorado IPod*
A freshman kicked a football
through the window of a senior's
room. He turned and started run
ning. but the senior collared him.
“You broke my window, did you
not?” roared the irate senior.
“Yes. sir.*’ said the fresh, “and
I 3m running towards my hall to
get money to pay for if.”
—Noire Dame Jugglrr.
OBuTHE. MORGUE
Nurse';. .What'can be done.with
the by-products of gasoline?
Interne: Usually they are'taken
to the hospital.
.—Kansas ,Sour_Owl.
Mug: Look atT the’condition
that woman is in!
Jug: Is that a condition? I
thought it was a limousine.
—Iowa Frivol.\
Mrs.: Look here, Mary. I can
write my name in the dust on this
chest..
JIary: Gawsh. there's nothing
like eddication, is there, ma’m?
—Green Coal.
"For ten rounds they stood and
traded socks.”
“Well, well—must have been
fraternity brothers."
—Stanford Chaparral.
Ari: Yes. sir. I had an ulcer all
last year.
El: 1 used to have one of those
overcoats too.
—Cincinnati Cynic.
“The baby swallowed a bottle of
ink!"
"Incredible!"
“No. Indelible!"
—Cornell Widow.
One of my best friends was dis
cussing his roommate. He said,
"Fred is one of those fellows who
would hold the lamp while his
mother chopped the wood.”
—Grinncll ilaltfaser.
“Stylcplus, my boy, how would you like to ride in an
niryplane?"
"I wooden lak it a-tall. It’s de ‘Terra-Firma’ for me,
tin’ de firmer dc groun' de lesser de terror."
—M. 1. T. Voodoo
A man isn't married more
than a week until his wife seeM
just like one of the family.
—V. of Wash. Columni.
1 rushed breathlessly into Neigh
bor Brown's apartment. “Brown,"
I panted, “your wife just eloped
with the saxophone player who
lives next door.”
(Pause.) “You don't seem ex
cited.”
“No. there’s no reason to be.
We stood the saxophone groaning
as long as we could. This morn
ing the wife and I tossed to see
who should get rid of him. She
lost.”
—Cornell Widow.
“How arc you coming along will
your reducing?”
“I guess I must be one of thost
poor losers.” '
—Northwestern Purple Parrot.
-s.-«
Proud Father: I understand,
son. your school now boasts of a
glee dub.
The Son: No, sir, we don’t
boast of it.
—Scream,
“Did you ever let a man kiss
you?"
“No, only a couple of college
boys.”
, —Grinned Unlteaser.
Pretty Girl: I live at 515 East
Fourth Street—now don’t you dare
follow me.
—Wash. Coupar’s Pea*.
“Don't you think that Words
worth was right when he said
‘Heaven lies about us in our in
fancy’?”
“Sure, but he forgot to add that
everybody lies about us in out
maturity.”
—/lienors Siren.
Powerless to Resist
Sweep of Avalanche
There were several destructive j
avalanches in the St. Gut hard re- I
gion in 1935. when the railway was j
damaged at several points, and I
many peasants and workmen were '
killed. Hut one rainy Sunday in ;
September, 43 years ago, 100 per
sons perished when a large portion
of the Plattenbergkopf split off and
slid down on the village of Elm.
Early in the day great boulders
began to come crushing down with
disturbing frequency, and quite a
number of men were out watching
them. Suddenly they saw a whole
cliff sway and topple over. Seven
teen minutes later another cliff fell,
and, to their horror, the doomed
villagers saw that, the mountain
had been thus undermined and was
poised over thin air far above them. I
Four minutes later it fell, shattered j
into millions of fragments, and
came sliding down at terrific speed.
Through the village went the uvn- j
lanche, across the tranquil mead- i
ows of the valley, and up the op- I
posite mountainside for a couplp j
of hundred feet, when it diverged ;
right and left, like the wash of n :
spent wave, for many hundred I
yards. i
Douglas Fir Entirely. j
Distinct Tree Species |
The Douglas fir. a native of the !
> Northwest but now being planted j
extensively in the Mast. Is beconi- j
ing a popular Christmas tree, ac- j
cording to the American Forestry j
association. The species was i
named for a Scotch botanist, who |
discovered it on an expedition in I
1825. but its scientific name is psen- 1
dotsuga. meaning “false hemlock.” i
As a matter of fact, it is neither a :
hemlock nor a fir, and. though it is !
sometimes called n spruce, it isn't
that, either. The tree belongs to
an entirely distinct species. The j
tree most commonly used for j
Christmas trees is a real fir—the j
balsam, so called because its blis
ter-like po< kets" yield the resinous
liquid known as Canada balsam,
which is used among other things
for attaching cover plates to micro
scopic slides.
Didn’t Hatch
A school teacher relates that she
was giving her small pupils a les
son on birds, and after telling
about the hatching of the eggs, the
care of the mother bird and the
first lessons in flying, she said:
“Now, children, I am the mother
bird and you are the little birds
nestled in your cozy nest. I waut
you all to spread your wings and
fly away.”
Each child, waving arms to the
music she beat, skipped to the
dressing room, with the exception
of one little fellow who remained
motionless in his seat. Turning to
him she said: “Donald, why didn’t
you flv away with all the other lit
tle birds?’*
“’Cause.” come the prompt aud
unexpected reply, “ ’Cause I was a
bad egg.**—Boston Transcript
Make your wants known *
—"Where i« your doll, dear?”
asked the family visitor. "Oil,"
said the infant calmly, "the boy
next door has the custody of the
doll and I'm awarded throe lolli
pops a week alimony.”—American
Legion Monthly.
—llo was a loyal little fellow and
he wouldn’t let anything said
against his parents; go unchalleng
ed. One Sunday afternoon a boy
friend said: Listen to your father
snoring.” "Dad isul snoring," was
the indignant, reply. "He’s dream
in# about a dog, an’ I hat’s the dog 1
growlin'."—Pathfinder. |
—“I wish 1 had money enough to
get married.” Jim remarked.
Katherine looked down and blush
ed. “And—what—would—you—do?”
she asked, looking very hard at. the
carpet. “I would spend it traveling," I
Jim replied.—Pennsylvania Punch
L»owl. •
—Unfortmmtely those accidents j
that happen in the best regulated
families are not always covered by |
insurance.
You Can Buy LUMBER
At Almost Any Price.
'
Hut you cannot buy Quality Lumber
—the only lumber you can afford to
use to build your home—for any less
than we are selling it. Get our prices,
and REMEMBER-WE GUARANTEE
THE QUALITY.
Lake & Risley Co.
Yr
"What do you think of Iho attacks
on George Washington ?’* "They
show wiiut a great man tlcor;;o
was," answered Senator Sorghum.
"Most of our heroes receive* pro- '
- • • I *2
| funetory eulogies. fieorpe is one .
j ol‘ the lew still considered worthy 1!
i o!' beiup attacked.” , %
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NortSifield Baking Company
--SPECIALTIES—*
Home-Made, Layer,Fruit, Pound Cake
—AT YOUR DEALER'S -
r:
^300000<x/000c00c000000000000c0<xx>00000000000000c>
Phone 914
Wilson & Helfrich
Plumbing and heatlxig
QUAKER HEATERS SOLD and INSTALLED
110 S. MAIN STREET PLEASANTVILI.E, N. J.
PRESTON
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SHINGLES
Put on over your old roof—NOW
, Call, write, or phone u.-i at lMeasantvillo
.'MO, and wc will send our representative
to (jive you an estimate.
Time Payments if you wish
South Jersey Asphalt Roofing Co
Mill Road and Shore Fast Line
Northfield, New Jersey
awsm&’&WsW&’SOTOT
CARPENTERS’BUILDING & LOAN ASS N
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NEW SERIES
ISSUED
JANUARY
and
JULY
Everybody Invited to Subscribe.
Fixed Premium on Loans.
January Shares Now Ready.
Meets First Wednesday Evening
Each-Month at
| THE PLEAS ANTVILLE NATIONAL BANK
Fruit of the Tree
Probably there is no-build
ing material more universally
used than lumber. As a fruit of the
trees of this earth, the building
material which shelters us ranks with
the food that nourishes us.
Like all fruit, some is good for
one purpose. Another kind is needed
(or a different purpose. It, must be eared for.
It must be used in the right way.
Lumber Our Specialty
Our business is the buying of
lumber in large quantities in order to
serve those of you who wish to use it. It is our
business to know what kind" arc the hC3t for
every purpose. It is our business to care for it
to the best of our ability while it passes from
tree to you.
Most of all it is our duty to see
that you get the lumber best suited to
your needs at a price that is fair. We are trying
to live up to these ideals in daily practice.
Come to us for
CLARK LUMBER CO.
Phone 287 ^ Pleasantville, N. J.
v