Stringing Her
—Lemon Punch.
A man was held up by two thugs
who had to put up a terrible fight
In order to get their victim under
control. Finally, after a bloody
fight the robbers got their man
down and searched him. They
found only twenty-five cents in his
pockets.
“Say, what’s the idea,” cried one
of the thieves, after they allowed
the fellow to get up, “of putting
up such a tight for a mere two
bits? You nearly had us both
licked. Now beat it. But before
you go, tell us why you fought to
protect twenty-five cents.”
“Well,” said the victim, “I was
afraid you were going to find the
I500 I have hidden in my sock."
—Okla. Whirl wind.
“Liza, let’s me and you get mar
ked.”
“Gwan, black trash. If you is
gonna be crazy, be a kleptomaniac
B«d jesp* pay.”
—Okla. \V klrlwmd.
1J5S W*B know that the bicy
clists at the theater this week
bad been arrested?”
“Mmmmm, what for?”
•fedelmg without a license.”
—Green Goat.
It is better to have loved and
lost . . . much better.
—Cincinnati Cynic.
“What became of the hired hand
you got from the city?”
“He used to be a chauffeur, and
be crawled under a mule to see
why it didn't go.”
—Mugwump.
(. ic, A WAIjO.i
One of the members of.our new
est class was taking advantage of
one of the low rate photographers
that abide around the city. The
photographer was concerned about
making as much profit from the
deal as he possibly could and asked
the customer:
“Well, my man, will you have
this mounted or plain?”
"Say,” exclaimed the frosh in
some heat, “I’ve been called a
farmer by dozens of fellows, but
you’re the first who ever mistook
me for a cowboy.”
—Pennsylvania Punch Bowl.
i
'vr
' “Silly idea, that, putting shoe
polish in collapsible lubes.”
"How so?”
"They can’l fool anyone that
way; I knew the difference the
minute I got the bally stuff on my
beard.”
—Dartmouth Jack o’l.ontern.
He: It's wonderful how my
hair parts exactly in the middle.
She: Yes, on dead center, as it
were.
—Cornell Widow.
Kind Old Fellow: Don’t worry,
little flapper, you're not any worse
than your grandmother was.
Flapper: Yes! That’s what
makes me so furious.
—like knell Belle Hop.
'Sr*
Even if they wiped liquor from
the face of the earth some fellow
would try to buy the privilege of
wringing but the towels.
—Arizona Kiitykat.
r
“Why didn't you get vour trous-^
ers pressed?”
”1 couldn’t."
“Why?”
“Weil, every place I’d come to
would have a sign, saying. 'Trous
ers Pressed Inside.’ ”
“Well?”
“I wanted mine pressed on the
outside."
-~HP< omin Octopus.
“I wish -every year had three
hundred and sixty-five days of
rest.”
“Are you mad? Then we would
have to work a day every fourth
year.”
—V. oI S. Cali!. Wampus.
-s>r.
“Aha, my dear Nincompoop,
there are a tremendous number of
casualties I see by the paper.”
"Forsooth, my dear Iggledeboo
boo. arid what paper?”
' F-gad, the fly |>aper."
—Rice Owl.
“That bull kicked me right in
the pants," sobbed the prolessor,
rubbing ilia chest.
—O'Grad/s Goat.
\ - -
“Is it a sin to be pleased when a man says I'm pretty?"
“Sure it’s no sin, but it’s a terrible responsibility for
the man,"
—Collin.
IN' THE LIBRARY
Young Nouveau to Servant:
One thing more—my mother wants
bookworms sprinkled through all
there volumes. We've just built
art old family mansion. She wants
eventhing in keeping.
— Yale Record.
“Those Kansas cyclones must he
terrible/’
“(i wan, down in Florida the
wind was. so strong it blew out
the fuses.”
—A'utre Dame Juggler.
•
"I'm getting so I can't sleep for
love of you,” he said earnestly.
“Let’s get married.”
“Why?” she asked breathlessly.
“So ] can sleep.”
—Amherst Lord Jeff.
“Haw. haw. haw. That joke you
pulled wasn't so dusty/’
“Not a bit it was dirty ”
—Wisconsin Octopus.
INTERLUDE ZOOLOGIQUE
The scene is a saloon. Two
Irishmen are in the- saloon drink
ing and conversing. Suddenly a
large insect scurries across the
polished surface of the bar.
' Faith, an’ did ye see the
beetle?” asked Pat (the first Irish
man).
^ “Sure, an’ that was no beetle
at all; a cockroach it was.” re
plied Hike (the second Irishman),
i The two disputed amicably for
a while without reaching a decision,
and finally put the question in the
* hands ol the bartender, one Tim
by name.
"Whisht now. ' yez is both
wrong!” announced the latter
triumphantly; “'twas a ladybug.”
“Hegorra, Tim," exclaimed Pat
and Mike together. "I wish to
heaven I had your eyesight."
— Dartmouth .lath v'Lantern.
Post: That sergeant of mine
ought to be hung!
Helium: Not hung, my boy,
hanged.
"Hung, I say; hanging is too
good for him!"
—A’ebraska Awtwan.
'»>»■
Prof: Where did the word ex
aggerate originate?
Cub student: In a newspaper
office.
—OMa. Whirlwind.
One can forgive people their vir
tues if their vices are sufficiently
attractive.
— Wisconsin Octopus.
'. eaaft.
“Where d’ja stay at Lake Chautauqua?”
“At the Belvedere.”
“I stayed at the Belva once, too.”
■Denison Flamingo.
Cactus Dill: Air you the fre h
young feller what sold me this stall
yesterday arid said it was tooth
paste?
Clerk: Yes, sir.
Cactus Bill: Well, 1 tried fer
half an hour this morning, and
I’ll be denied if it would make my
teeth stick in.
—Si an ford ('ha panal.
Newsboy: Extra: extra paper!
Passerby: All right, if you have
an extra one. VII take it—thanks.
—Wisconsin Octopus.
My girl dresses to please herself
she says. Well, it doesn’t take
much to please her.
—Ala. Rammer-Jammer.
Joe College: I want to buy
something—you know, the sort of
thing lhat will make people turn
around to look at me when 1 wear
it on the street.
Wise Clerk: Ah. yes—yes,
second aisle over—pajamas.
—Ncrthu'estnn Purple Parrot,
^r.
“I want some winter under
wear.”
“How long?”
“How long? I don’t want to
rent Vm; I want to buy Vtm.”
—Iowa I'rivol.
“Cive me a sentence with the
word vermin”
"Before 1 go fish in’, I go ver
min.”
—Annapolis Log.
Sheba:
Sheik:
JP'HI
Do you ever walk in your sleep at night?
No; I’ve never been asleep at night.
"Pardon me, I'm a little
deaf." '
"That’s all right; I’m a little
Bohemian.”
~U. of S. Calif. Warn pm.
A great commotion was heard
in the darkness below. Rough
noises, stamping of feet, scraping
and bumping of furniture on a
polished floor. A stifled voice,
then a shout.
“There's a man in the house.
There’s a man in the house. I tell
you!" The lights were switched
on, but only the son of the house
hold was to be seen below in the
dimly lighted hallway. An elderly
woman crying: "Are you hurt, my
boy. are you hurt?”
"No, Mother." as he gently gath
ered her in his arms. The father,
weapon drawn, shouting: “Where *
is the man? Where is the man?”
"Here." called the boy. “To
night's my twenty-first birthday.” 1
—.Vorth western Pur pit Parrot.
'SNft
A young husband came home
one evening to find his wife sew
ing some dainty little clothes. •
“My dear, why. didn’t you tell
me?"' . j.
"Don’t be- silly,” she replied.
"This is a new dinner gown."
—iSee Owl.
“So you think you know u
much about iL as the coach. How
do you figure that?"
"Well, he just said himself that
it was impossible for him to teach
me anything.”
—Okla. Whirlwind.
Drowning Man: Help! Aid!
Succor! 1 can’t swim!
Absent-minded Prof: That’s
nothing. I can’t play the bass
viola.
•Illinois Siren.
Hit Opportunity Lott
The small boy'll ad received many
presents ou Ids birthday, but the
best of all—a real watering can—
arrived Just as he was going to bed,
and despite bis tears and protests,
the owner of this treasure was told
that he could not use it till next
morning.
Soon after dawn Ids mother
heard howls of anguish from the
garden, and, looking out, she dis
covered that these came from
her small son, who stood in a
drenching rain clad only in his
nightshirt grasping the cherished
can in his hand.
“What on earth Is the matter?’*
demanded the anxious mother.
“Oh, oh, oil!” wailed the disap
pointed one. “I did so want to wa
ter the garden, and now God’s been
and done it!"
Good Money in Whaling
The Vastfold district of Norway,
where many of the old Vikings bad
their homes,- is still the recruiting
region of one of I lie most roman tic
callings of modern times—whale
hunting. Leaving their small farms
in the care of wives and children,
the men set out for south Georgia
and the Ross sea in September and
return#at the beginning of the fol
lowing summer. The Norwegian
whale bunting fleet numbers about
20 ships and employs 4,000 men.
The work is very hard, but is ex
traordinarily well paid, every man
receiving a royalty from the catch.
Some men average $0,000 a year,
and the ablest, after years of good
service, is trusted with the har
pooning.
Model of the Firmament
A model of the heavens, which Is
remarkable In a meat many ways,
and which was constructed in Ber
lin some time ago. is about to
make a tour of the world and will
be shown In all the large cities.
The spectators outer a large dome
shaped concrete building which Is
unliglued. Suddenly thousands of
glltterlug stars appear in what
seems to be. I he infinite sky. More
marvelous, suns and planets begin
their majestic march across ihe
heavens. In a few moments intri
cate celestial motions are revealed
so simple that you, who perhaps
never huve opened an astronomy
book, can understand mysteries of
the universe that puzzled scientists
lor centuries.
Lifting Machines Old Idea
Lifting machines wltli pulleys,
, ropes and winding drums, are as
9 old as Archimedes, B. C. They
were used in the Coliseum in Rome*.
In the Middle ages for military
purposes; and the germ of the
Modem elevator is in the drawings
of tiie universal inventor, Leonardo
da Vinci, and in Agrieola. But the
earliest known primitive passenger
elevator is that In the convent of
St. Catherine, on Mount Sinai, it
was worked by a capstan, and car
ried both people and stores to the
tipper floors, to be safe from the
desert robbers.
Make your wants known
M" •
Insufficient Evidence.
—
I An Irish witness was lining ex
amined as to his knowledge of a
I shooting affair. “Did yon see the
j shot, fired?'lfe1 ho Judge asked. “No,
jsorr; I only hoard it,’’ was the eva
sive reply. “The evidence is not
satisfactory,” replied the Judge,
sternly. The witness turned to
leave the hox and directly his hack
was turned he laughed derisively.
The Judge, indignant at this con
tempt of court, called him back and
asked him how ho dared to laugh
in Court. “Did you see me laugh,
Your Honor?” queried the offender.
“No; sir, but I heard you,” was the
irate reply. “That evidence is not
satisfactory,” said Pat. And this
time everylxjdy laughed. Pathfind
er.
_- .n i
—An Albanian brigand lias been
sentenced to 11550 years in prison.
Hut it is said that he hopes by
good conduct to cut his term in
half.—-Cleveland Plain Dealer.
You Can Buy LUMBER
At Almost Any Price.
But you cannot liny Quality Lumber
—the only lumber-you can afford to
use to build your home—for any less
than we are selling it. Get our prices,
and REMEMBER-WE GUARANTEE
THE QUALITY.
Lake & Risley Co.
—Jeffrey—So your son has been
injured and is coming homo from
college? I’ripgs- Yes, he sprained
his ukulele linger. -Detroit News.
Due of the tilings that mir,ht
he included in iliai I' S. radio con
irol hill is to limit the time used
up by announcers.
8 Mi
'-BUY— VI
NortMieSd Baking Company
--SPECIALTIES—
!
Home-Made, Layer, Fruit, Found Cake
—AT YOUR DEALER’S—
OOOCOGOOOOOOOOOOOOGOOOOQOocooocooooooooooocooocoo<,
Phone 914 —
Wilson & Heffrich
Plumbing and heath.g
QUAKER HEATERS SOLI) and INSTALLED
110 S. MAIN STREET PLEAS A NT VILLE, N. J.
P R E S T O N
H
! E
I
I X
i o
n
A
M
0
IN
1
n
Put on over your old roof—NOW
Call, write, nr phone us at Ploasantvillfl
and we will send our representative
to jrivo you an c-.lincite.
Time Payments if you wish
South Jersey Asphalt Roofing Co
Mill Ko:nl and Shore Las! Line
Northfiehl, New Jersey
4
MOW SERIES
ISSUED
JANUARY
and
JULY
Everybody Invited to Subscribe.
Fixed Premium on Loans.
• • i
January Shares Now Ready. j
Moots First Wednesday Evening j
Each Month at !
*L.
THE PLEASANTVILLE NATIONAL BANK
l
^<y(<%>wy wy(v4*^v*4>*<pw<»w4>vvv4»^4*"vv%»vvv4>'* n»w4»w4»v«V^ v'r «<& - w '•' <v (' 4» v 4>w 4*'' 4»" 4*y <ir' 4»^ ★ ^ 4* * ♦ v
—j
Beauty and
Utility
A fence crm be a thing of
beauty as well as a protection.
Your home surroundings help to make
your home. I
You can select fencing here
that reflects your ideals of home
building. Or it it is rugged strength
that you wish find it here in our ex
tensive stock.
Sturdy Fence Posts
After all wood is truly the I
natural as well as t he economical 1
fence material. Quality and designs II
have improved with the years but the y
basic material holds its own. I
< )ur fence post s especially— the |
backbone of .any fe.net—are sturdy D
yet inconspicuous. They will !in«l favor with fl
you. Come u;sd see. Come to us fur I