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$m (progressive, farmer, : februaryi 1886: 7 THAT BOY; Is the house turned topsy-turvj?tv ; Does it ring from street 'to; roof?, j Will the racket still continue - ( Spite of all your mild reproof? ! Are you often in a flutter ? 5s Are you sometimes thrill'd wjtlrjoy ? Then I have my grave suspicionart That you have at home that bov. - : ' . ,v. f . Are the walls and table hammered'' , Are your nerves and ink upset? Have two eyes so' bright and roguish Made you every care torgetr Have your garden beds-a prowlr J Who delights ! u to destroy?,' U These are well-kn wn indication f That you have at home that tx)y. llave you seen mm playing circus With his head upon the mat?Tj 1 And his heels in mid-air twirling-; For hi? audience the cat? j Do you ever stop to listen, ; j When his merry pranks annoy- Listen to a voice that whispers, y You were once just like that boy ? ft Have you heard of broken windwi I And with nobody to blame? ft? r nave you seen a trouserea urcnin Quite unconscious of the same Do you love a teasing mixture Of perplexity and joy? You mav have a dozen daughter But I know you've got that ! flashes of gnn. in, .C t, The cricket and grasshopper sing in the dew wet. A wise man may be pinched by poverty, but only a fool will let himself be pinched by tight shoes. Mamma Don't you think, Em ma, you are getting a little too old to play with the boys so much ? Emma I know it ; but the older I iret the better I like 'em. The opinion now held by phy sicians that "raw cow's milk is "bet ter for children than boiled " is very gratifying, as a raw cow gives much better milk than a boiled j,ne. "Don't tell me you won't!" said an Elmira father to his little daugh ter of six Summers. "Well, but, papa," said the artless little one, "what shall I say when I mean I won't? " Don't be afraid," said a suob to a German laborer. "Sit down and make yourself my equal." "I would haft to blow my brains out," was the reply of the Teuton. How foolish most of our proverbs are! For instance, it is said that a a straw shows which way the wind blows, when everybody knows it is the wind which shows which way straw blows. Do you think I would make a very attractive angel?" said a dude with very large ears, to a young lady. "Well, no," she replied, pointing to his immense years; "I think your wings are a little too high up. "The best remedy I know of for this foot-and-mouth disease, remar ked old Mrs. Blinker, as she looked up from the paper, "is for folks to stay at home more and talk less." and then she resumed her reading. The choir of a church in Michi gan couldn't make out why the tre ble notes of the organ all of a sudden kept getting so much stronger tljan the bass. Until they opened the thing and found a half-starved cat in there. "I have neither time nor inclina tion to pass partgorieson the de ceased," remarked an orator. Pane gyrics," corrected a person present. "As you please, sir," remarked the orator stiffly, "the words are anonymous." "Thank heaven, the-fuss is all over," said the groom, ?.'frfid I have you all to myself." ." Ye'$ returned the happy bride, 'ami now let us take one last look at the wedding presents before pa sends them back to the jewelers." n "Just one," said f the lover as he stood upon the stoop, with his girl. "Just one," said the : mother, put ting her head out oft ,tjio bedroom window above; " well, I guess it ain't so late as that, but it pretty near twelve, and you better be going or her father will be down." And the lover took hi' leave with a sad pain at his hearts -- ., - .f It was Josh Billingsl who origina ted the phrase that is now a nation al expression "the. business end of a wasp," and when he said to a lady, -It is better to be laughed at for not being married than to; be unable to laugh because you an " it seems to me he uttered a sentence; to use one of his own expressions, "bulging out with first-class wisdom."! "Shall I send you up some candy this evening, my dear ?" asked Mr. Koggins of his wife. "Yes, Charley, but be sure to get only marshmallow and chocolate." "Why, I thought you didn't, liktr chocolates?" "Wejl, I don't Charley, but sfiice dear mb ther!s death Li only eat black arid white candies, 'Neio York-Judge. Her Mother's Fault, Old man (to daughter) Young Mr. S. paid you a very fine compliment last eveniug, my dear, Daughter (de lightey What was it, papa? Old man re vsaid you were a very in telligent young lady. Daughter (disappointed) Oh, pshaw! 1 told mamma I would look like a fright in the brown dress, but she insisted up on my wearing it. New York Sun. "I wish you would renew this note. My father will endorse for me," said a Texas youth to Mose Schaumburg. "Ven a fader has got no more sense . than to endorse-'for such a son as you vas, vat segurity :sh dot fjr me? Dot shows, dot your fader vas a block of the young chip." Tdras Siftings. - The commercial traveller of a Philadelphia house, while in Ten nessee, approached a stranger as the train was about to start, and said : " Are you going on the train?" ". I am." " llave you any baggage ?" " No." " Well, my friend, you can do me a favor and it won't cost you anything. You see I've two big trunks, and they always make me pay extra for one of them. You can get one checked on your ticket, and we'll euchre them. See?" Yes, I ee; but I haven't any ticket." "But I thought you were going on the train ?" " So I am ; I'm the conduc tor." " Oh !" He paid extra, as usual. A tramp called for food at the house , of a surburban agriculturist recently, and while he was eating the rations that had been furnished at his solicitation, he was asked: "Why do you not go to work ?" "I have looked for a place that would suit me he replied, "but I have never found one." "Isn't there plenty of work at harvesting ?" asked the in- terrogator. "6h; yes," said the tramp, "plenty of it ; but you see, sir,' I want to find a vineyard where the man who goes in at the eleventh hour is the first to come out and drav a full day's wages. In the olden time they dealt fairly with a man. That is the revised edition treatment and that is what I am looking for." At the close of the meal he started again in pursuit of that coveted opportunity. IX MAKES A DIFFERENCE. "Si) you have been fighting again on your way home from school ?"' "Yyes, Sir," "Didn't I tell you that this sort of businVss had got to stop?" "Yes, pa, but "No excuses, sir! You probably provoked the quarrel!" "(Mv no! no! He called me names 1" "Names? What of it? When a boy calls you names walk along about your business. Take otf that coat'Or "But he didn't call me names !" "Oh, he didn't ! Take offthat vest!" "Whfhhe called me names I nev er looked at him, but when he pitch ed into you, I I had to fight." "WMt! Did he call me names ?" "Lots. of 4em, father! He said you lied to vour constituents, and went back ou the caucus and had " "William, put on your coat and vestf arid here's a nickel to buy pea nuts! I dcuVt want you to come up a eliiger,? and I wish you, to stand well with your teacher, but if you can' (lick that boy who says I ever bolted a regular nomination or went back on my end of the ward, don't be afraid to sail in !" Detroit Free Press. M A COW. BOY IN A SLEEPING CAR. "Where do I camp?" he inquired, and was shown the lower berth next to me. -y: : "That's ny pigeonhole, is it ? All right,-old : son ; just watch my mo tion While. file myself away." At this 'juncture he was desired to turn over his revolver to the porter, which he -declined to do in a very spirited mariner. . "'Old Dad his revolver and me always sleep together, and we don't wants na divorce," he explained. The conductor remonstrated, but was advised hot to try to "braid this mule's tail.'!)' ' "This here's a sleepin' car, ain't it ?" h inquired. "Yds." -: "Well, why in don't you let people sleep then, when they've paid and gone into your game ? If you're aiming to keep people awake and want company just dance into the next car ; there's lots, of folks there don't; want to sleep Inohow, and'll bo glad to see you. . ' , The conductor withdrew and my friend pulled off his boots and stretched himself, with many com ments in an undertone on the pov erty of the surroundings. In about ten minutes this erratic person had his head out in the aisle. I "Say, you boy," to tHe porter. 'Well, sah .?' ; ' "Come a runnin'." The porter- drew near, and a pil- f low about as big as a'pincushion was handed to him. "Take that gooseha'r thing away," said the cowboy- - "Don't you want a pillow, sah ?" asked the porter. "That ain't no pillow, and I don't want-it, nohow; I'm afraid it'll get in my ear." : v After this, silence, and for a short time I slept. Roused up, however, at an exclamation on the part of my neighbor, J "Hold on there, my son ! Jist drap them boots !" "I was only jest gwine to black 'em, boss." "Drap 'em." They drapped. "Jest gwine to pull them spurs, I reeken. Now, don't monkey round my camp taking things no more. If you want anything, speak for it. If you can't speak, make signs, and if you can't make signs, shake a bush. Youh'arme?" "Yes, sah." After this silence. The wheels and rails again sang together, and the car again kept approving time, and presently I slept without interrup tion. Edwards, Broughton & Co,, RALEIGH, N. C, PRINTERS, BOOK-BINDERS AND BLANK BOOH MUFACIUmS, ESTABLISHED 1872. THE MOST COMPLETE HO USE OE THE KIND IN THE ST A TE. Prepared for all Kinds and Styles of PRINTING OB BINDING. Keep tle Only Complete $todk of Iegal blanks'. MSRC ANTI L31 R AILEO AD, BAKE AND LEGALJPEINTING. We solicit orders and guarantee prompt attention. Address, S0WARD3, SROUSHTON & CO.. Pj inters and Binders, 1-tf. Raleigh, N. C. OF RALEIGH, N. C, INSURES AGAINST LOSS BY FIRE. This Company has been in successful operation for Sixteen Tears. W. S. PKIMROSE, President. W. G. UPCHURCH, VicePres. CHAS. ROOT, Sec. and Treas. P. COWPER, Adjuster. Feb.lO-ly. JOHN A. MITCHENER & CO., SOUTH FLORIDA, REAL ESTATE AGENTS, UMATILLA, Orange Co., Florida. jggT" Correspondence invited. l-4t. i NORTH CAROLINA With Cotton at Eight and a Half Cents, Poor CrcpaniBaiFrb, WHAT SHALL BE DONE f Raleigh, N. C, Feb. 1, 1885. The situation of our Farmers, and more especially of those in the Eastern Counties, is a serious one. With cotton at 8$ cents and everything else in the same proportion, it is doubtful whether our people can - make cotton - at all with the old method. Thousands of thoughtful men all through the South are considering earnestly tliis question: WHAT SHALL BE DONE? With prices of their products way down and,the prices of all they buy not re duced in the same proportion, what shall be done to feed the family, buy clothes and send the children to school during this New Year? All this time sensible men are cutting down every ex pense and resolving that they will make more at home. Milk, meat, vegetables must be made in larger a quantities and groceries saved ; corn, oats and grass must be provided for the horses, cows and hogs. High-priced fertilizers and eve ry extra thing,' are f entirely out of the question. The wise man will buy the cheapest and best ingredients only and make fertilizers at home this year. At this time, THE NORTH CAROLI NA PHOSPHATE COMPANY, an ex clusively North Carolina Company, work ing nothing.but North Carolina material, wants to inform the prudent men just described how they can help themselves and help a home enterprise by buying LIME PHOSPHATE, the cheapest Phos phate ever sold in North Carolina. It is to the interest of every farmer in North Carolina to write to the NORTH CARO LINA PHOSPHATE COMPANY at Raleighj N. C., and learn, how to save money and make a good fertilizer that will make a good crop at a very low price. l-3ms. W. H. HUGHES, Dealer in CHINA, CROCKERY, GLASSWARE, Lamps, Table Cutlery, Silver Plated Ware, Refrigerators, Tea Tras, Oil stoves, Ac. 309 Fayetteville Street, Raleigh, N. C. l-3m Southern Head quarters for Higb-Class, Prlze VVlnnlng PLYMOUTH ROCS, Send for Second Illus trated Circ!ar and Pnee List for 18-6. THOMPSON BROS , tf. Lincolnton. N. C. SMITH & Ws&MTF MOT TT TTF fTTP3 jOFi Jfm TfP WMSTORRa, , CARRY THE LARGEST STOCK. Sell at Bottom Prices and Appreciate your Trade.4 My. PARRISH WAREHOUSE, -IS LARGEST AND WAREHOUSE IN NORTH CAROLINA OR VIRGINIA. Sells more Tobacco for more money, and is regarded by everybody as headquarters FOR THE SALE OF LEAF TOBACCO I ' Has Unlimited Demand If you ship, mark your name on each package, and give full instrnc- ; tions by mail. . l? S HIGHEST PRICES ALWAYS GUARANTEED. 31' 10 y 6; GRANVILLE COUNTY LANDS AT from $5.00 to $30 per acre. Also some Resitlt nct H and Vacant Lots, in the growing town of 'Oxford, N. C. Terms reasonable. Address, l JOHN A. WILLIAMS, Dealer iri Real Estate, 2-3t. Oxford, N. C. W. J. WYATT 6 C0.p ; Commission Merchants AND DEALERS IN. HEAVY AND FANCY DUHHAM,N.C. J Consignments of all kinds. Country Produce solicited. 13m Fine Jersey Heifer Calf FOR SALT WILL SELL FOR CASH MY THOROUGH BRED J ERSEY H E PKR CALF, Solid Light Fawn, Biack Switch, tongue and 1 Hoofs, finely Shaped Head, and well grown., Dropped November 5, Mie B. Patrick, No. 97S, a. J. C. C H. R. Dam T'ortin, a thor-; ous?hbred Jersey C w Wm. Wiln wtock,, Maryland. JNot in nerd jjook Due n Kt. 4- For further information address D. H. BROYVDER, Raleigh. N. C.t or apply to Editor of the Progressive Farmer. : YOUNG LADIES, . j S3 YOU WANT A PIANO OE AN ORGAN?' You can be supplied through the Winston Salem Agency of Ludden & Bates' Great Southern Music House, Savannah, Ga. The leading Instruments of the world. Pianos Chickering, Mason & Hamlin, Ma- i thushek, Bent fc Arion varying from J2J0 to $1,000. Organs: Mason A Hamlin, Tackard and Bay State from $50 to 8750. Orders and correspondence solicited. Send for illustrated catalogue, prices and terms. Address or call on Prof. C. I. Wilson, ent. Office Singer Sewing Machine Co., opposite Post Office, Prot. Wilson will also train Vocal Classes, Church Choirs and Sunday Schools in city or country Method strictly by note. Also gives lessons on Guitar. Flute and Cornet. Musical instruments tuned and repaired. BROWN, TIIE - BEST ARRANGED for all Grades of Tobacco! i