MINES AND MINING.
Klondike Output of Gold for the Year
1900 Will Beach u local of
Dawson, V. T., August 18. The
Klondike output of gold during the
yeai 1900 will reach $25,000,000.
Improved methods of mining, resulting
from tne introduction of suitable ma
chinery, together with a better knowl
edge of conditions here, etc., cheapen
ing the cost of production, and ground
that was formerly unprofitable is now
paying. Wages are fairly good, $0 per
day and board being the ruling pay,
and, while there are many idle men
complaining of dull times, one who
rta'ly wauts work can get it.
i The action of the Canadian govern
ment in prohibiting relooations on all
the creeks and closing Bonanza and El
dorado to locations, is driving out the
prospector and small miner, and re-
tards developmment to that extant.
Capital is coming in, however, . and
' groups and blocks of claims ara being
l.ought up for large workinga. It is
the old story of the individual miner
giving way to the syndicate, an
-hunting new prospects.. Hundreds (
.these during the last spring have leu
the Klondike and gone to American
' territory, where, it is claimed, the poor
' man has a better chance than here.
', Nome has taken the majority, but
nam- have gone to nearer poirts.
An early rush went to the Koyuknk,
Vat late reports from there are very
unfavorable. Parties just returned say
that very little gold lias been taken out
in that camp, and the ground JJis ex
ceedingly difficult to work: on account
of glaciers which overlie the bedrock.
The Forty-Mile and Birch Creek dig
gings, both of which were practically
deserted in the rus"n to Dawson in 1897
and later in the Nome stampede last
fall, are again coming into favor, for it
fas never been disputed that there is
much good ground there that will pay
wages and more.
The latest candidate for popular fa
vor is the Tanana district. Reports
from there are generally good. The
ground is three to seven feet deep only,
overlaying a slate and porphry bed-,
rock, and there is plenty of water for
sluicing, all of which makes it an ideal
counrty for summer working. It is
said to be easily approached from the
Tanana river. One to four ounces per
day is said to be the usual amount per
man, shoveling into the sluices.
The recent action of the United
States government in surveying a rail
road and telegraph route from Valdes
to Eagle City, and its promptness in
pushing through a trail with stations,
etc., along the line, is attracting much
attention here. The further fact that
the various civil officers for the eastern
division of Alaska, embracing the Koy
ukuk, Tanana and Yukon water-sheds,
are now duly installed at Eagle City,
gives great satisfaction. It is a long
Etep in the right direction, and great
developments may be expected in Alas
ka within a few years.
In Yamhill county, Or., hoppickers
are quite generally paid by the pound.
Walla Walla apples have taken a
third prize at the Paris exposition.
Deer are reported to be more numer
ous in Coos county, Or., than for some
Spokane's assessed valuation is about
$20,000,000, and the city's indebted
ness is $2,388,159.
Pomeroy. Wash., is rapidly rebuild
ing, and in several cases substantial
brick buildings will replace the old
wooden ones destroyed by fire..
An evaporating plant of 20 tons ca
pacity daily is in course of erection at
Spokane. It will handle prunes and
apples, and next year will also engage
The barbed wire telephone line, con
necting Condon, Or., with several of
the ranches in the neighborhood, has
been completed, and is pronounced a
The Walla Walla Watchman has
suffeied from "Too Much Johnson."
A solicitor of that name made adver
tising contracts for the paper, collected
on them and suddenly departed.
Work has commenced on the con
struction of Rose burg's, Or., new water
system. Pick and shovel men are ex
cavating for the reservoir pn the hill
between the town and Riverside addi
tion. The Albany Herald says that people
who are coming home from the moun
tains report that numerous parties are
hunting Denny pheasants. The game
warden and his deputies are doing their
best to stop the unlawful shooting.
Mrs. L. J. Davis, of Jefferson, Or.,
met with a singular accident one day
last week. She was canning green
beans and a can exploded, the contents
striking her in the face. Fortunately,
her eyes were not seriously injured,
and she will soon recover.
A deal was consummate. 1 recently in
Baker City, whereby 8,000 head of
sheep changed hands and a check tor
nearly $20,000 passed in payment. The
sheep were the property of Gale Bros.,
of Baker, and the flock was one of the
finest in the country. The purchaser
was Mr. Nealy, of Idaho. The sheep
will be transferred across Snake river
into Idaho as soon as cool weater sets
Pat Shine is the name of the chair
man of the Spokane county Populist
The outlook for beef-raisers is pretty
good at present, says The Dalles Times
Mountaineer. Buyers are offeiing to
contract for cattle at 4 cents for fall
The Butteville, Or., hop region is
the largest in the state, and the agree
ment of growers to pay 35 cents a box
is having an important bearing on the
price to be paid pickers generally.
Crass and water are both reported
short in the mountains of Grant coun
t , Or., and many bands of sheep will
be in poor condition for the winter.
From August 1 to 11 Walla Walla
sent 35 carloads of fmits and vegeta
bles to the North Central states. The
shipments consisted principally of ap
ples, pears, plums, potatoes and onions.
The fund for work on the road be
tween Eugene and Blue river, Or., has
reached the respectable total of
$5,241.50. Of this sum, Lane county's
commissioners subscribed $2,500 and
the Lucky Boy Mining Company $500.
ALL ARE EAGER TO BUY.
Countrj I Actively Preparing; for the
R. G. Dun & Co.'s weekly review of
trade says: After a great wave of ad
vancing prices, optimism as to business
is generally dangerous. But the top
was reached the middle ot March, since j
which time reaction has tome to every I
great industry, so that consumers are
asking wbether in some directions the
decline may have not been reasonably 1
large as was the advance, and whether
buying on the present basis of prices is 1
not fairly sure. There are fresh evi
dences of weakness in raw materials,
notably the break in structural iron,
but each one is availed of to place
heavy contracts. New York is wel
coming buyers from all over the conn- j
try in larger numbers than for many
years at this season, in drygbods, 'groceries,-
in jewelry and in hardware,
and if contracts are not placed to as
large a volume as expected, it is be
cause of the conservatism of those who
think tbey may compel some further
shading of prices. Reports this week
from other important points of distri- .
bution show the same eagerness to buy I
when the time seems right. It is be
coming more apparent that the bottom
has been reached in prices of iion and
steel. The decline was severe and re
covery must be slow, but gradual ad
vance and moderately increasing activ
ity are more healthy than violent
changes. In no single division is the
improvement more striking than in any
other. Except steel rails, all forma of
iron from the ore to the finished pro- j
duct are being sought more eagerly and
with less effort to secure further con
cessions in prices, but when the secre
tary of. agriculture was reported as pre
dicting "dollar wheat" before the end
of the year, the market showed an in
clination to disagree, and the Septem
ber option fell below 80 cents for th
first time in two months.
PACIFIC COAST TRADE.
Onions, new, lMc
Lettuce, hot house, $1 per crate.
Potatoes, new. $15.
Beets, per sack, 85c$l
Turnips, per sack, 75c.
Carrots, per sack, $1.00
Parsnips, per sack, $1.25.
Cauliflower, native, 75c.
Cucumbers 10 20c.
Cabbage, native and California,
2c per pounds.
Tomatoes 50 60".
Butter Creamery, 25c; Eastern 22c;
dairy, 15 18c; ranch, 14o pound.
Poultry 12c; dressed, 14c; spring,
Hay Puget Sound timothy, $11.00
12.00; choice Eastern Washington
Corn Whole, $23.00; cracked, $25;
feed meal, $25.
Barley Rolled or ground, per ton,
Flour Patent, per barrel, $3.50;
blended straights, $3.25; California,
$3.25; buckwheat flour, $6.00; gra
ham, per barrel, $3.00; whole wheat
flour, $3.25; rye flour, $3.804.00.
Millstuffs Bran, per ton, $12.00;
shorts, per ton, $14.00.
Feed Chopped feed, $19.00 per ton;
middlings, per ton, $20; oil cake meal,
per ton, $30.00.
Fresh Meats Choice dressed beef
steers, price 7Kc; cows, 7c; mutton
7; pork, 8c; trimmed, 9c; veal, 9
Hams Large, 13c; small, 13 Hi
breakfast bacon, 12c; dry salt sides,
Wheat Walla Walla. 54 c;
Valley, 55c; Bluestem, 57c per bushel.
Flour Best grades, $3.10; graham,
$2.50; supertine, $2.10 per barrel.
Oats Choice white, 87c; choice
gray, 35c per bushel.
Barley Feed barley, $15.0015. 50;
brewing, $17.00 per ton.
Millstuffs Bran, $13.00 ton; mid
dlings, $20; shorts, $15; chop, $15 pex
Hay Timothy, $1112; clover,$7
7.50; Oregon wild hay, $67 per ton.
Butter Fancy creamery, 45 50c;
store, 27 Mc.
Eggs 17c per dozen.
Cheese Oregon full cream, 13c;
Young America, 14c; new cheese 10c
Poultry Chickens, mixed, $3.00
3.50 per dozen; hens, $5.00; springs,
$2.504.00; geese, $4.005.00 for old;
$4.506.50; ducks, $3.004.00 per
dozen; turkey s, live, 16 17c per
Potatoes 40 50c per sack; sweets,
22c per pouna.
Vegetables Beets, $1; turnips, 75c;
per sack; garlic, 7c per pound; cab
bage, 2c per pound; parsnips, $1;
onions, 1 Uc per pound; carrots, 90c.
Hops 2 8c per pound.
Wool Valley, 15 16c per pound;
Eastern Oregon, 15 16c; mohair, 25
Mutton Gross, best sheep, wethers
and ewes, 3c; dressed mutton, 7
7)4c per pound; lambs, 6c.
Hogs Gross, choice heavy, $5.00;
light and feeders, $4.50; dressed,
$5.006.50 per 100 pounds.
Beef Gross, top steers, $4. 00 4. 50;
cows, $3.504.00; dressed beef, 6
7 c per pound.
Veal Large, 6c; small, 8
8o per pound.
San Francuco Market.
Wool Spring Nevada, 11 13c per
pound; Eastern Oregon, 1014c; Val
ley, 1618c; Northern, 910c.
Hops 1899 crop, 11 13c per
Butter Fancy creamery 2222.1i'c;
do seconds, 21 21c; fancy dairy,
19c; doseconds, 16 18c per pound.
Eggs Store, 17c; fancy ranch,
Millstuffs Middlings, $17.00
20.00; bran, $12.5018.50.
Hay Wheat $8 12; wheat and
oat $8.00 11.00; best barley $8.50
alfalfa, $6.007.50 per ton; straw,
'2537c per bale.
Potatoes Early Rose, 30 75c; Ore
gon Burbanks, 90c $1; river Bur
banks, 30 60c; new. l&2c.
Citrus Fruit Oranges, Valencia,
$2.753.25; Mexican limes, $4.00
5.00; California lemons 75c$1.50;
do choice $1.752.00 per box.
Tropical Fruits Bananas , $1.50
2.50 per bunch; pineapples, nom
inal; Persian dates. 66c per
Railway authorities of the Mexican
government have been ordered to use
certain safety appliances. All the pas
senger cars must be so equipped before
the end of 1904.
Forty -oue gas engines using blast-furnace
gas are working in Germany, the
total horse power aggregating 21,950.
The horse power of such engines in
Belgium is 3,700, France 3,250 and En
A company formed by English and
American capitalists is about to build
the largest wood-pulp plaut in the
world at Grand Falls, New Brunswick.
The works are to cost $0,000,000, and
they wuT'-be capable of turning out
5,500 tons of white newspaper, 225 tons
of ground wood pulp and 175 tons of
sulphite pulp daily.
A Russian chemist has found that
copper is dissolved by an alkaline solu
tion of gelatin, the copper going into
solution as colloidal copper. The old
rule that the metals are insoluble in
water is being widely disproved, solu
tions of metallic gold, mercury and sil
ver, and now of copper, having been
prepared quite recently. In all these
the metals are in a very fine condition,
but are true metallic solutions.
In painting or papering the walls of
tt room the question often arises, What
color reflects the most and what the
least light? Recent experiments in Ger
many gave the following results: Dark
blue reflects OVi per ceut. of the light
falling upon it; dark green about 10
per cent.; pale red a little more than 10
per cent.; dark yellow, 20 per cent.;
pale blue, 30 per cent.; paie yellow, 40
per cent.; pale green, 461:! per cent.;
pale orange, nearly 55 per cent.; pale
white, 70 per cent. Glossiness and var
nish of course increase the amount of
The play of "Robinson Crusoe" Is
now given in one of the Paris theaters
with four animals in the cast of actors.
These are a goat, a monkey, a paroquet,
and chief of all, a dog who enacts the
part of Robinson's faithful companion,
Toby." The dog's real name is Faro,
and a wrfter in La Nature says Jie will
respond to that name only when in the
street or at bis master's home, but on
the stage .he answ'ers promptly the call,
'Toby." When Robinson shoots a bird,
"Toby" runs and picks it up, climbs up
a ladder into Robinson's but, and gives
the bird to "Friday," who acts as cook.
This vapor in the air is entirely In
visible until the air. is brought to a tem
perature just below the dewpoint, when
a fog is formed. How often a dense
fog in the morning is dissipated by the
sun, and we say the sun has "burned
off" the fog. Fog rarely forms except
In a perfectly clear, still air. This per
mits intense radiation from the ground
and smoke particles, and this cooling
finally brings the air to its saturation
point, when the vapor either condenses
on the smoke particles or on moisture
particles, thus becoming visible in fog.
When this fog occurs far above the
earth It is cloud.
A PLUCKY YACHTSWOMAN.
She Steered a Boat a Long Distance
with a Broken Wrist.
The heroine of the Long Island coast
is Miss Annie It. Tinker, only 19 years
old, and the daughter of Henry C.
Tinker, of New York. While out yacht
ing she was steering the boat when she
was struck by the fiying spokes of the
wheel and her wrist fractured. She
made no outcry, however, but remain
ed at the wheel as if nothing had hap
pened. Mr. Tinker's country residence,
"Brlarcroft," is on the west side of the
bay at Port Jefferson. Some time ago
he had a yacht built, and when the
boat was finished announced that in
the near future he would give a lunch
eon party to the men who worked upon
It and their families. It was arranged
that the party should be carried from
the village of Briarcroft in one of Mr.
Tinker's launches, and when the party
got aboard Miss Tinker took her posi
tion at the wheel. The minute the
craft got under way the wheel spun
round and struck Miss Tinker on the
right arm. But not a word did the
brave girl say of the accident, and
steered the boat for a mile and a half
withher left hand, to her father's land
ing. When all were ashore she ordered her
horse hitched and drove three miles to
a doctor's office, where the bone was
set. Returning home, she made no
mention of the accident and assisted in
entertaining her father's guests.
SARDINES CANNED IN AMERICA.
Few of the Toothsome Little Fish Are
Brought from Abroad.
"Next to the French the American
leople are the largest consumers of
sardines in the world," said a leading
wholesale dealer In such canned goods
In New York to the writer recently.
"Last year the consumption of sardines
in the United States amounted to
2,000,000 cases, or 200,000,000 cans. Of
this quantity 1,400,000 cases were the
product of the State of Maine, 150,000
cases were put up in California, and
the remaining 450,000 cases came from
France. Thirty years ago all the sar
dines eaten in this country Were Im
ported from France. To-day nearly
'nK TOI-Nf? TACHTSWOMAIT.
three-quarters' of tire sardines sold her
are put up in fifty-one packing-houses
in Maine. These concerns are con
trolled by a trust-company, which em
ploys 6,000 workmen, who can turn out
1,500,000 cases of the fish annually.
"In Maine sardines are caught off the
western shores of the St. Croix River
and Passamaquoddy Bay. The fishing
season commences early In May and
lasts until late In the fafl of the year.
The fish are taken In brush weirs, re
sembling "ordinary pound " nets, into
which they are led by means of large
leaders and wings, which terminate in
a funnel-shaped entrance. Their, escape
is prevented by the extension of these
wings into the Inclosure, thereby form
ing a triangular. hook at each end of It,
so that the fish, as they circle inside tha
weir, are directed past the entrance.
When the fish are-plentiful in the nets
quantities of scales appear upon the
surface of the water. The nets are then
lifted and their contents are dumped
by the fishermen into their boats. -The
fish make a little squeak when taken
from the water and die almost instant
ly. An ordinary cajch of sardines gives
to each boat anywhere from 2,000 to
(5,000 fish, the price of which is from $2
to $2.50 per 1,000, according to the
quantity of fish that are being caught.
"Arriving at the packing-house, the
fish are carefully cleaned. This opera
tion over, they are sorted according to
size and carried into another part of
the establishment, where they are put
"The length of time required by this
operation varies according to the size
of the fish. After this the fish are
washed and placed with care upon wire
nets, called 'grills,' on which they are
sent to the drying-room, where they
aredriedby means of large fans or ven
tilators run by powerful machinery.
When dry and while still upon the
grills the fish are cooked by plunging
them into tanks containing boiling
olive oil. After this cooking the sar
dines, still upon the grills, are left to
cool, and when cold the work of plac
ing them in halves and quarter cans
filled with olive oil, tomato and mus
tard sauce is begun. This work done,
the cans are sealed with, solder and are
ready to be put in cases, holding 100
tins, for the market.
"Like canned goods of every descrip
tion, sardines are cheaper now than
they formerly were, and American sar
dines are sold for less than the im
ported. American sardines are now
exported from this country to the West
Indies and South America." Washing
GUIDED BY HIS SON'S GHOST.
Successful Gold-Seeker Was Piloted to
a Find by a Spirit.
There was something uncanny In the
story that Albert Davis told at the
Union depot. Albert Davis is a Blue
Mountain prospector, bound for his old
home in the village of Arkwrlght, N. Y.
Not far from his home is Casadagua
Lake, the assembly grounds of the
Spiritualist cult, and from association
with Spiritualists Mr. Davis became in
time a sort of lukewarm believer in
their teachings. He returns, he says, a
true believer. He also returns with
wealth in prospect. Mr. Davis told his
story in the presence of several fellow
passengers at the depot. It was In sub
Three years ago his only son died.
The father was all but heartbroken; he
would not be comforted by the prom
ises of his Spiritualist friends that the
young man would come back to him.
But oue night the boy did come, and
again and again. After several of these
nocturnal visits, the son told of ac
quaintances that he had made In the
spirit world, among them, he said, being
one whose name was John Fremont.
This spirit told of his wonderful life in
the West, and among -other tales, one
of a rich mine that he had discovered,
but which never had been found by
others. On subsequent visits the son
told more particularly of the mine and
gave detailed descriptions of its situa
tion, until Mr. Davis became so deeply
interested that he resolved to go in
search of it. Two years agg he came
to Colorado, and after a long search
found the range of mountains that had
been described to him. They were the
Blue Mountains, near the Utah line.
But his search was not completed.
Weeks and months were spent in pros
pecting and hunting for the marks on
the surface that would disclose the
hiding place of the treasure. He was
on the point of giving up, and also of
losing faith in the spirits, when one
evening he'eame ftnto the very spot that
he was searching for. He knew It, he
said, as well as if he had been there be
fore. Mr. Davis lost no time in making a
mineral location, and is now returning
to bis old home to get money, when he
will return to Colorado to develop the
mine to which the spirit directed him.
He has not yet found ore, but he ex
pressed a firm belief that it was there.
Honor to White of Selborne.
Gilbert White, the father ofall tht
nature lovers and observers who are so
common since Thoreau, is to have an
ideal memorial. The forest of Wool
nier, one of the crown properties of
England, is to be made into an asylum
for the wild creatures of England, and
surrounded by defenses to keep out all
intruders, though the forest will be al
ways open to men of White's sort. A
statue of the Selborne parson will
stand at the main entrance, with hand
raised in the act of liberating a bird
that has been trapped. Gamekeepers
and watchmen will guard the forest
night and day; cat nor dog will be al
lowed to enter the paradise of free life.
This is a wonderful thing to contem
plate in this day of indiscriminate and
exterminating slaughter, and it Is a
beautiful honor' to Gilbert White.
No Oysters in the Baltic.
Oysters cannot live in the Baltic Sea.
The reason Is that it is not salt enough.
They can only live in water that con
tains at least thirty-seven parts of salt
In every 1.000 parts of water.
One of China's Superstitions.
Black dogs and black cats are the fa
vorites in China in the line of food, be
cause when eaten In, midsummer they
will insure health and strength.
"I have lived nearly eighty years,"
an old man said the other day, "and
have seen very little to live for."
SET BURGLAR UP IN BUSINESS.
Novel Experience of a Physician Who
Dressed a Housebreaker's Wounds.
. "The strangest patient I ever had,"
said a prominent physician of this city
the ether evening, "was a burglar. My
acquaintance with him began in a sin
"After I was graduated I was en
gaged at night in one of the lacgest
hospitals In New York, where I saw
many strange sights. One night our
ambulance brought in a prisoner pa
tient, accompanied by two policemen.
The officers said .that the, man had been
surprised while attempting to rob an
apartment In a large flathouse. A po
liceman was called, who chased him
Into a room with a window opening on
an airs!) a ft.
"It was warm weather and the shaft
window was open, as was also the
window in the apartment on 'the op
posite side. Finding himself closely
pursued, the burglar, who was young
and athletic, Jumped from one window
to the other, jumped across the airshaft
"He landed In the other apartment
all right, but fell plump on a man who
was asleep In bed close to the "shaft
window. The sleeper so rudely awak
ened gave a yell and attempted t& seize
the burglar The mtter, in seeking to
elude him and at the same time avoid
the policeman, who was at the opposite
window, threatened to shoot, fell down
the airshaft and was badly Injured.
"I made an examination and found
that he had broken his right leg at the
ankle, was considerably bruised, and
also suffering from shock from his
fall. I fixed him up all right and he
remained ? prisoner in the hospital for
several weeks. At first he was morose
and surly, but gradually he began to
show gratitude for the kind treatment
he received. He became a favorite
with all the doctors and we gradually
learned his story.
"He had been an honest, hard work
ing man in another city and had come
to New York to better himself. Hav
ing no friends here, he was unable to
obtain work and soon spent all his lit
tle savings. He kept getting poorer
and poorer, and while penniless and
almost starving attempted his first
burglary by breaking Into the - flat
where he was caught
"We took such an Interest in him
that, although he was convicted, the
judge suspended sentence upon our
proving his previous good character
and that it was his first offense. He'
was an expert tinsmith and we raised
a subscription and set him up in busi
ness in a little shop. We sent all our
friends to him and he prospered and
now has a large store he-e. He mar
ried and has several children and 1
have been his family physician for
years. Although all the doctors at the
hospital helped him at the start, he
showed his gratitude especially to me,
as I received him and fixed up his
broken leg the night he was brought a
nrisoner to the hospital." '.
William Pett Ridge, the author of
"Mord Em'ly" a story of the East End
of London has had his new novel, "A
Breaker of Laws," published In this
country by the Macmillan Company.
Mrs. Esther Baker Steele has built a
fine public library in Ehuira, out of the
royalties from her own books and the
text books of her late husband, J. Dor
man Steele. This Is to "be called the
Steele Memorial Library, in memory of
"The Enslavement and Emancipa
tion of the People" is a little book by
J. B. Herboldshimer, in which phases
of a prominent question of political
economy are considered. The author
paints the present condition of the in
dustrial world, and suggests an original
and practical solution of its problems.
The work Is published by the author,
at Gibson. City. III.
An author's manuscript often has
strange experiences before It reaches
Its destined publisher if it ever does.
Certain members of the new firm of
Doubleday, Page & Co. received the
other day the "copy" of "The Sea-Far-ers,
a novel by Mary Gray Morrison.
Each remembered it as a manuscript
they had passed favorably on some
years ago, when they occupied the po
sitions .of under readers in separate
houses, but, alas, the head readers did
not agree with tbem, and so the manu
script started on its wanderings once
more. It will now travel no further,
for its date of publication has been set
for the near future.
Minute Measure lor Temperature.
Prof. S. P. Langley, of the Smith
sonian Institution of Washington, has
recently improved his wonderful bol
ometer, an Instrument for accurately
measuring the most minute variations
of temperature. He is now able to de
tect variations in temperature as slight
as the one eighteen-millionth of a de
gree Fahrenheit If the temperature
of the air were slowly and steadily to
rise at the rate of but one degree a year
this instrument could measure the
change which would tale place at this
rate In each second of time. The ap
paratus is kept shaded and fully pro
tected in a constant temperature room,
which is not allowed . to vary more
than a fraction of a degree the year
The great majority of moonshiners
are to be found in the mountain fast
nesses of Georgia, Alabama and Ten
nessee, and here they live in conditions
of civilization as crude as their ances
tors, most of whom were English fugi
tives from justice who reached this
country more, than a century ago. In
deed, in many respects these descend
ants have retrograded rather than ad
vanced. Had they been surrounded
for a century by a Chinese wall they
could not have been more destitute or
ignorant of the modern conveniences.
It doesn't pay to stick your nose into
other people's business unless you ar
In a quarrel, the one that gets tha
worst of tt is the first to become mean.
HUMOR OF THE WEEK
STORIES TOLD BY FUNNY MEN
OF THE PRESS.
Odd, Curious and Laughable Phases
of Human Nature Graphically Por
trayed by Eminent Word Artists of
Our Own Day-A Budget of Fun.
Anxious Father I suppose among
other virtues you are training Freder
ick in economy?
Employer He's pretty well up In
that; you ought to see how careful he
Is about wasting steps! Nashville
She That Mr. Boorisch, of Chicago,
is a .man of pronounced tastes, is he
He Monotonously so. He makes the
same sounds over his soup as he does
over his meat or pie. Philadelphia
. At the Summer Hotel.
"Who is that good-looking young
waiter who is tossing the plates across
the room? Is he a student, too?"
"Yes, He holds the record In Harvale
for discus throwing." Cleveland Plain
dealer. Family Pride.
Small Child (calling) 'Ere, Billy!
Run and fetch ve bloomin' amber
lance! Billy (from distance) Wot's up,
Small Child Muvver's met ve lydy
wot pinched ar doormat Sketch.
"I don't suppose your wife will care
to go to the lecture on 'Cannibalism'
"Oh, yes, she will. She never neg
lects to go anywhere where they talk
about things to eat." Cleveland Plain
dealer. -There Are Many Such.
Mrs. Hoon You can believe very lit
tle that Mrs. Gabbleby says.
Mr. Hoop No; the poor woman is
sadly afflicted with palpitation of the
In the Rhetoric Class.
Young Professor Give me an exam
ple of sarcasm.
Sweet Junioress The phrase, "Man's
superiority to woman." Somerville
A Real Vacation.
"You and your wife don't seem to talk
to each other much when you travel."
"No; we agreed before we started
that we'd get rested." Chicago Record.
Old Gentleman How old are you, my
Newsboy Nearly 7, sir.
Old Gentleman And how long have
you been in the newspaper business?
Newsboy Oh, ever since I was a kid.
Needed No Help.
Sympathetic Friend Won't you come
down to lunch? Shall I bring anything
up for you?
Seasick Sufferer Thanks. No, I can
do all that for myself. Fun.
Wanted a Wife.
Miss Antique You ought to get mar
ried, Mr. Oldchapp.
j Mr. Oldchapp (earnestly) I have
wished many times lately that I had a
I Miss Antique (delighted) Have you,
I Mr. Oldchapp Yes. If I had a wife
she'd probably have a sewing machine,
and the sewing machine would have an
oil can, and I could take it and oil my
office chair. It squeaks horribly. New
"Did you ever enjoy a straw ride in
"By George, old man, you ought to go
on one once!"
"I have. I said I never enjoyed one."
Could Speak Feelingly.
"Her father, you say, gave you a
pretty broad hit that he didn't want
you coming there any more, did he?"
"No. 10, E width," brefly responded
the young man. Chicago Tribune.
"I'd like to know, of course," said the
new man, with some concern, "whether
my job Is to be permanent or not."
"Well," returned the employer, "you
can stay as long as you please. That's
fair, Isn't it?"
"Certainly. I'm much ob "
"On the other hand, I reserve the
right to discharge you whenever I
please. That's equally fair, Isn't it?"
"Ye-es, I suppose so:" Chicago Trib
une. - 1-
A Scandal Spoiled.
Miss Goussip I haven't heard any
thing of Miss Pechis since I got back
Miss' Kidder No, she's living under
another name now.
Miss Goussip (scenting a scandal)
Aha! I thought that girl would come
to that. She thought she was so hand
Miss Kidder So did Mr. Milyuns.
That's how. she happened to become
Mrs. Milyuns." Philadelphia Press.
"Pa, what is action and reaction?"
"Well, George, my white duck suits
make me cool, and my laundry bills
make me hot"
What He Paid to Learn.
"I waited three solid hours for that
palm reader id get around to me."
"He told me I didn't get on in life
because of my tendency to fool away
A Hot-Weather Error.
"Did Wiggs' garden party go off all
"No; they took ns all into the house
and made us play euchre."
Diagnosed His Case.
He I feel like a fool to-night.
She So glad you've recovered.
Journal Four Tous.
A Good Suit.
Bobbs Clothes do not make the man.
Dobbs No, but many a lawyer has
been made by a good suit Baltimore
Swelling the Lost Dog Column.
"Do you keep a dog?"
"Never more than a couple of days."
Mistress Why, Jane, what In the
world Is the matter with the cream?
Jane I don't ,see anything wrong
with it, ma'am.
Mistress But what makes It so pale?
Jane I reckon that's because I nearly
beat the life out of it when you ordered
it whipped, ma'am. Chicago News.
She I adore all that is beautiful,
grand and noble.
He Really, you flatter me. Chicago
"Mrs. Highsome did not seem to be
in good voice at that musicale the other
"She was after she got home. I heard
her roasting Highsome for having in
sisted on her trying to sing." Chicago
Ask for What You Want.
"My dear, won't you give me a Iocs
of your hair?"
"With pleasure, my darling."
"And a nice gold locket to keep It In?
Mrs. Homestead Onr son at Yale
writes that he received our letter and
immediately takes pains to reply.
Mr. Homestead Thet don't surprise
me any the fust sight of anythin' re
sembliu' work tillers gave that boy a
pain somewhar or other. Judge.
Too Wise to Let Go.
"Why can't you afford a vacation
trip, Billy? You need a rest."
"A rest? When I go away for a week:
the other boys in the office pile up three
weeks' work on me." Chicago Record.
She-Appearances are deceitful.
He Yes; a person can never tell Just
how much it is going to cost to keep
them up. Puck.
Built to Fit the Flat.
"Oh, Isabel, what a queer looking
- "Grandfather's clock! That's our Ice
chest" Indianapolis Journal.
"Well, old man, I am going down to,
the seashore to visit my fiancee,"
"Who Is she?"
"How do I know?" Life.
The Cheerful Idiot.
"I can't see," said the shoe clerk
boarder, "why a Sctochman should say
'hae' for 'have.' "
"It is his economical disposition. He
saves a V every time he does so," said
the Cheerful Idiot Indianapolis Press.
Miss Summit That young Mr. Gallo
way doesn't know nearly as much as L
thought he did.
Miss Palisade You must remember
he has been out of college fully two
years now. Life.
The Reply Unkind.
Leading Lady What did you think
of my facial expression?
Soubrette I didn't notice any. Ha
He Settled It.
It was In the 'bus.
"Let me pay your fare," the first girl
"No; let me pay yours," said the sec
"No; I insist on paying yours."
"No, you don't; I will pay yours.1
"Nor; I will." 1
"I will!" )
There Is no telling what might have
happened had not an old meddler, who
was seated opposite, leaned over and
"Listen, young ladies; do not lose
your heads. I think I can settle this
matter without blood being shed. Each
of you pay for the cither, neither for
herself; that will make it right neither
of you out. Do you see?"
'Oh, how nice!" they both exclaim
ed, and when the conductor came round
they did what the old meddler sug
gested. Both then sat pleased and
magnanimous looking until the end of'
the ride. ,
The more a boy expects the less h
gaams to acquire,
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