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A Soft Answer.
Mrs. Nowcomer Good morning! Is this Mrs. Teachcm's private school 7 Mrs. Blinks . (hotly) Indued it isn't. This is a private house, and these are my own children. Mrs. Newcomer (hastily) I thought It must be a school, because the children looked so cultivated, and educated, and scholarly, and and refined, you know. Mrs. Blinks (genially) Oh, yes, of course. Come in and sit down. Lucy, call In your six brothers and five sisters, and introduce them to the lndy, while I get ready to go around with her and show her where Mrs. Tcnchem's school is." Tho Duel Was Abandoned. An Irishman traveling in France was challenged by a Frenchman to fight a duel, to which he readily consented and suggested shlllelnhs as weapons "That won't do," snid the Frenchman's second. "As challenged party you have the right to choose arms, but chivalry demands thnt you should de cide upon a weapon with which Frenchmen are familiar. "Is that so?" replied tho Irishman, coolly. "Vory well, we'll fight with guillotines." Too Much Imagination. Flty tho man or woman devoid of imagination, but he or she who allows the Imagination too great liberty be comes its subject rather than Its mas ter. The man who wears a rubber on the pedal attachment to his cork leg because the cork foot aches without the rubber Is as unfortunate a victim as the Scotchman who fainted on ac count of the heat In church tho first Sunday after stoves were set up, al though a fire had not been lighted In any of them. Latest Blander on 'the Bex. "1 can cure you of that peculiar af fection of your neck, madam," the phy sician said, "but I shall have to pre scribe a most heroic remedy." "Not a surgical operation, doctor?" faltered bis fair patient. "Worse than that, madam," he re joined. "For six months you must re frain absolutely from turning your head to glance at the attire of anybody whom you happen to meet on the street." Chicago Tribune. Latest. La Montt What has become of Larklns? Last time I heard of Mm hr was In New York. La Moyne Why, the poor fellow is under the ground. La Montt Dead? La Moyne No, motorman on a sub way train. Grounds for Divorce. A woman sat up till 2 o'clock the other morning waiting for her husband to come home. At last, weary and worn with her lonely vigil, she went upstairs to retire, only to discover tho missing husband there fast asleep. Instead of going downtown he had stolen quietly upstairs after supper and crawled Into bed and it made his wife so mad that she didn't ask him for money for a week. Car MagnatePays Fare. H. H. Vreeland, president of the New York Street Hallway Company, never uses a pass on his line, but in variably pays his fare. Should an un lucky conductor overlook him on his collecting tour, as conductors frequent ly do with others In the rush hours, he would probably hear from the presi dent's office the next day. Other Side of lb She (at the depot) It must be awfully trying on those poor foreigners who come to this country and find themselves strangers In a strange land. He Oh, they are used to it, having been born and raised in foreign lands, you know. - She Why, of course, I never thought of that A Weil-Known Fact Magistrate What have you to say to the charge of being drunk and disor derly last night? Prisoner You know, y'r honor, that w'en a man is drunk, he thinks he's sober, and it's the other people is drunk. Magistrate Um yes, I have heard o. Prisoner That's how it was, y'r hon or. Th' perliccman was drunk. Can hs and Effect. Johnny Say, maw, ain't that hair oil In that bottle? Mamma No, Johnny; that's glue. Johnny Huh! No wonder I can't trot my hat off. Two Points of View. "You ought to be proud of your six handsome daughters," said the old bachelor, "each as handsome as the other." "Yes," rejoined the father, sadly, "and each as husbandless as the other." Friendly Suggestion. Wlndlg I don't know what we are going to do with our youngest boy. Joblots What's the trouble? Wlndlg He's getting so we can't be lieve a word he says. Joblots Why don't you get him a Job In the prediction department of the government weather bureau? Where tlio Troublo Was. An Irishman who was not feeling well after having worked overtime at a Thanksgiving feast, dropped in to con sult a pill dispenser. The latter began operations by feeling thep atient's pulse. I'fwat s tlr good av feel in mo wrist, docther?" asked the son of Erin. "Faith an' it's in me sthouiack th' tbrouble do be." In Doubt. "You enjoy a classical composition more after you have heard It a few times." "I don't know," answered Mr. Cum rox. "whether I eniov It or whether T get used to It and don't notice It so mucn. v UHimiKiuu oiar. The Feeble Lad. Indulgent Mother John, I wish you'd quit sending that boy around on all sorts of errands. He's not a bit well lately and hardly able to get back and forth from the practice meets of his athletic club. Baltimore Ameri can. Crafty Man. "But," protested rhoxy's young bride, "you promised me when we were married you would give me any thing I wanted." "No, dear," replied Fhoxy, "I was careful to say 'anything you were In want of.' You are not in want of a sealskin sacque." Philadelphia Press. Knar to Recall. Jack- How Is It that automobile mystery stands bo vividly In the minds of you girls. May Why, er I suppose lfs ba cause the principal character was Mr. Hugg. Never Satisfied. "When a girl marries," said the land lady, "she is apt to have a rude awak ening from her dream of love!" "Possibly," rejoined the bachelor boarder, "but she no sooner becomes a widow than she closes her eyes and pro ceeds to dream again." Natural Inference. "Say," remarked the half back of the Podunk football aggregation, "the cap tain of the Grasstown gang says he is going to mop up the field with us in to morrow's game." "Huh!" exclaimed the quarter back, "I always suspected him of managing a scrub team." . It is generally more profitable to reck on up our defects than to boast of our at tainments. Carlyle. An Explanation. "Look!" exclaimed a lady toherconi' panion at the uintlnee, "there is Mrs. Ohllne In thnt box. Her hair is jet black now, but I'm positive It was streaked with gray the last time I saw her." "Very true, dear," replied the other, "but you know her only brother died three months ago." "What has that got to do with the color of her hair?" asked the first speaker. "Why, don't you understand?" re joined her friend. "She's In mourning." Counting the Cost. " 'Thinking before you speak,' Is a fine maxim," said the peaceful man. "Yes," answered the prudent per son, "and it is especlaly applicable to modern conditions, in view of what telephone service costs." Washington Star. Different Brands of I.J ins. "As one makes his bed," said the self-niado man, "so he must He on it" "True," rejoined the natural born aristocrat, "but the trouble with you upstarts Is you Ho about It oftener than you lie on it." The Idea. Miss Pechls I wish you would call some time when father Is at home. I should like you to have a talk with htm. Mr. Nerve Oh, Miss Pechls, this is so sudden! Philadelphia Press. London now has an automobllo baby carriage. It can easily be stopped by a child in the car depressing a pedal with its foot or by tho person in charge push ing forward a lever on tlio side of the car. As this lever is fitted with a locking gear, it is impossible for the child to re verse it and restart the car. Orthographical Gymnastics. The Japanese josh jiu-jitsu Is a terrible tiling if it gitsu. You're up in the air Before you know where You're at when the awful thing hitsu. New York Mail. Judicial Wisdom. Judge (to witness) What is your age, madam? Lady Twenty-one plus Judgo (to clerk of court) You may now swear the witness to tell the truth, the whole truth, rnd nothing but the truth. A Jolly for Papa. She And what shall I say In case papa asks what your prospects are? He Well, er you might say I am fig uring on securing one of the most promi nent, influential and wealthy men in the city for a father-in-law. That ought to fetch him. Would Relieve Ulm. "I wish," sighed the suburbanite, leaning on his snow shovel, "I wish that Jiggs, who has never returned my lawn mower, would come around this winter and borrow my snow shovel." Confidence Game. He Have you sufficient confidence In me to marry me? She Yes; but I haven't sufficient confidence In my ability as a washer woman to support you so I'll have to pass you ud. Time to Rise. "Look here!" exclaimed the boarder who was anxious to enter society. "Do you know anything about 5 o'clock teas?" "A 5 o'clock teaze," replied the boarder who rises early, "Is an alarm clock." "Did you know your husband long before you married him?" asked th casual female acquaintance. "No," answered the bride whose honeymoon was on the toboggan, "but I'm beginning to find him out now after midnight." "Trifles Light as Air." Whiffers Been having a domestic jar, eh? Well, such clouds will come, you know. Witters (whose wife found a strange hair on his coat) Yes, they are caused by trifles light as hair. A Case of Quality. A clever little gentleman well known In the scientific world was one day standing with half a dozen tall men, when one of them turned to him and said that he had not seen him before, as he was so very small. "Very likely," replied the little gen tleman. "I am like a sixpence among six copper pennies not easily per ceived, but worth the whole six to gether." London Standard. Where Traveling: Is Comfortable. She Don't you think that traveling is more comfortable In the West than It is here? He I know it Is. Why, I have tray eled for days there without meeting a single creditor. Chicago Journal. His First Job. "Why do you weep?" asked the druggist of the young physician. "For joy," replied the young M. D. "I'm sick therefore I have a patient at Inst" A Suggestion. Rounder I wish I could get a hat that would fit! They're all either too large or too small! Dealer Why don't you try one with a rubber band? Detroit Free Press. Engaging Candor. "So fou want to marry my daughter, eh?" said the stern parent. "Well, sir, what have you to live on?" "Why, er if I succeed in marrying your daughter I'll have you," replied' the nervy youth. One Is Too Many. The Maid A man who has too many wives is a bigamist, is he not? The Bachelor Not necessarily. A bigamist is a man who has two or more wives. Very Little. Stubb Harkcr Is going around say ing: "Man wants but little here be low." Penn Yes, he Is going to marry a petite girl. Insinuating, Ernestine I don't see why youl chaperon should have been offended because Jack played the piano. It was certainly better than lovemak lng. Moyrtllla Yes, but he Insisted upon playing "Always in the Way." The Earth's Diameter. Although the diameter of the earth has been roughly known for many years, it has lately been accurately as certained after thirty-years' labor and at a cost of $500,000. It Is 7,020 miles at the equator and 7.SU9 from pole to pole. A Generous Lad. Teacher- Now, Tommy, when anyone gives you anything you should always try to give them double in return. Give us an example. Tommy Yes'um. Billy Brown gave me a black eye, an I give him two In return. Philadelphia Record. Cuuso and Effect. Mlfkius Wasn't Benedict's death rather sudden and unexpected? P.Ifklns Well, it was sudden, but not necessarily unexpected. His wife had just graduated from a cooking school. wan tea a Silent Wire. Her Mother How In the world did you induce Mr. Gotrox to propose? The Daughter Well, you see, he at tempted to kiss me when we were alone is the parlor, and I told him I would never speak to him again. Not Quite Such a Fool as He Look. Cholly So Miss Tartun loosened up and said a good word about me, did she? Archie Yes; she said that when ons got better acquainted with you one found you were not half as big a fool as you appeared to be. -Chicago Tribune. Somewhat Different. He So you refuse me, eh? She You have said it. He But yon accepted my presents. She Yes; they were of some value. There are forests of leafless trees in some parts of Australia.