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GEE-WHIZ. i At every motion of his body or limbs no said“ Gee-whiz.” If he raised his arm or croocked his elbow,or when he got up or sat down or bent over; if he bent his knee or turned his head, he said ”Gee-whizz.“ Gee-whizz was his way of expressing vexation and trouble, and he had his peck of it. Thousands do as he had done and have bushels of it. He simply did a very foolish thing. He took off Ins coat at the wrong time and in the wrong place. The time was when he was overheated and the place just where a cold draft struck him. He woke in the morning will sorness stiff ness from head to foot. If he had bethought him of the right thing to do, he would have .gotten a bottle of St Jacobs Oil and rubbed it over his body. Use it on going to bed and you’ll wake up, open your eyes and say “Gee-whiz!” the soreness and* stiffness are gone. Fast and Slow. Sho—He’s fast, I understand. He—No—slow. “You evidently don’t know how l:e spends money.’ * “Ah, but I know how he pays his debts. ” —Philadelphia Record. AN OPEN LETTER TO MOTHERS. We are assertiri" In the courts our right to th< exclusive use of the word “ CASTOKIA,” and ** PITCHER'S CASTOR! A,” as our Trade Mark. I, Dr. Samuel Pitcher, of Hyantiis, Massachusetts, was the originator of “ PITCHER’S CAS TOUIA,” the same that has borne and does now bear the sac simile signature of CIIAS. H. IrI,CTCHERl r I,CTCHER on every wrapper. This is the original “ PITCHER’S CASTOR IA ” which lias been used in the homes of the mothers of America for over thirty years. Look Carefully at the wrapper and see that it is tk* kind you have always bought, and has the signature of CHAS. H. FLETCHER on the wrapper. No one has authority from me to use mjr name except The Centaur Company of which ~ Chat. H. Fletcher is President. MkrcA 8, 1897. SAMUEL PITCHER, M.tt t The amusements offered to the public in the past meetings of the California Jockey Club have been far in excess of their expec tations. In view of the fact that its man agement has the personal attention of its genial Secretary, Mr. F. H. Green, who is qualified to satisfy the lovers of equine spqrt in securing the best-bred running stock to fill the daily programmes and please the visitors at the Ingleside race course, which has been so liberally patron ized during their past meetings, and will continue for two consecutive weeks, begin ning January 24, till February sth, inclu sive, visitors' from the interior should visit these beautiful grounds, which are super ior to any in these United States. My doctor said I would die, but Piso’s Cure for Consumption cured me. —Amos Kelner, Cherry Valley,llls., Nov. 23, ’95. | Money ... j| i; ,VI ... FOR YOU t G if y OU plant our new Vineless Bunch < ► ♦ Yam potatoes and get on the market 6 G ♦ weeks before your neighbors. EARLIEST G G LARGEST, SWEETEST and MOST PRO- G i > DUCTI\ E known. Postpaid 30cts. per ] ► G pound, by express not prepaid 15ets. G < ► Send 10 cts. for large catalogue of 50 seed j ► i ► novelties with testimonials from all over ] [ i ► the Union, and large starting package of ♦ < * our new home grown Coffee which costs ♦ < * only 2cts. a pound to raise and two crops < ► ♦ * a year in the south. Special Prices to G 4 G Agents who make $2.00 TO $5.00 A G G DAY selling this wonderful seed. Address G <> THE WESTERN NOVELTY SEED CO., BUCKNER, MO. i ► 4 L - » TREATMENT FOR WEAK MEN. TRIAL WITHOUT EXPENSE. The famous Appliance and Remedies of the Erie Medical Co. now for the first time offered on trial without expense to any bonest man. Not a dollar to bo paid In advance. Cure Effects of Errors or Excesses in Old or Young. Manhood Fully Restored. Ilow to Enlarge and Strengthen Weak, Undeveloped Portions of Body. Absolutely unfailing Home Treatment. No C. O. D. or oth< r scheme. A plain offer by a firm of high standing. ERjEMEDICAICOj^Mg - ’ OKfi BNJOYS Both the method and results when Syrup of Figs is taken; it is pleasant and refreshing to the taste, and acts gently yet promptly on the Kidneys, Liver and Bowels, cleanses the sys tem effectually, dispels colds, head aches and fevers and cures habitual constipation. Syrup of Figs is the only remedy of its kind ever pro duced, pleasing to the taste and ac ceptable to the stomach, prompt in its action and truly beneficial in its effects, prepared only from the most 4 healthy and agreeable substances, its many excellent qualities commend it to all and have made it the most popular remedy known. Syrup of Figs is for sale in 50 cent bottles by all leading drug gists. Any reliable druggist who may not have it on hand will pro cure it promptly for any one who wishes to try it. Do not accept any substitute. CALIFORNIA FIG SYRUP CO. SAN FRANCISCO, CAL LCUIBVILLE, KY. NEW YORK, N.Y. B m CU RESW HIRE ALL ELSeFNLsT^TSi Beat Cough Syrup. Twice Good. Uu to toe Bold by druygteu. gs * P. N. U.-L. A.-- No. 22. She—“l’m sorry to hei' you’ve lost your patient, Dr. Jones.” He —“But he was 111 a long, long time!”—Punch. Friend—“ How do you get along with the cooking?” The Bride—“ Admir ably! I blame it on the range.”—Puck. “How can you call a man a Christian who loves himself as that feller does?” “Well, I’ve heard that he is his own worst enemy.”—Puck. “Pounder has had to go out of the band.” “What was the trouble?” “He has got too fat to balance the bass drum.”—Chicago Record. “Our organist has an easy time of it.” “In what way?” “When he wants his wheel pumped up he attaches it to the organ.”—Chicago Record. He—“l suppose If your father found me here he -would kick me out of the door?” She —“Oh, I don’t know; papa’s punting is wretched.”—Detroit Jour nal. Chorus of Excited Voices—“ Heavens! A boat wrecked, you say? And none of its occupants escaped?” Life-Saver (grimly)—“Only the fellow who rocked it.”—Truth. Jill—“ls Gill a good judge of cigars?” Bill—“I think he must be. He had two last night and he gave me one. He must have kept the nest one.”—Yon kers Statesman. A bald-headed man fainted the other day from the heat. He was Very in dignant, when he was reviving, at hearing a Cockney exclaim, “Give him hair—give him hair!’” “The horse has another point of 1 1- periority over the wheel.” “What is it?” “When a horse is getting ready to shy at anything, you can tell it by his ears.”—Chicago Record. Hall—“ What are you doing now?” Gall—“Oh, I’m making a house-to house canvass to ascertain why people don’t want to buy a new patent clothes wringer.”—Chicago News. “Darling,” he cried, “I cannot live without you.” “But,” she replied, “my father Is bankrupt.” “In that case,” he despondently replied, “I guess I’ll go and shoot myself.”—Chicago News. Teacher—“ Don’t any of you know how to find mountains on the map? Now, look at this map of Alaska. What Is that row or chain of dark, round spots?” Class (In chorus)—“Nuggets!” —Puck. Alice—“ What a gallant person Mr. Dunkley is. He never addresses me without beginning ‘Fair miss.’ ” Dor othy—“Oh, that’s force of habit. He used to be a street-car conductor.”— Cleveland Leader. Bowery Bill—“ Say, young feller, you ought to stop smokin’ cigarettes. Dey ain’t good fer yer.” Cholly —“W-why not?” Bowery Bill—“ Look how nerv ous yer get just ’cause a geu’l’man asks yer fer a light.”—Puck. Teacher—“ Well, Jane, what is your father’s business?” Jane —“He’s a col lector, mum.” Teacher —“And for whom does he collect money?” Jane— “He doesn’t collect money. He’s a col lector of rags.”—Boston Ideas. She —"But surely you believe that . le sins of the father are visited on the children?” He—“ Rather. My gover nor promised to let me have a fiver this morning; but he lost it at poker last night, so I didn’t get it!”—Punch. “Boswell,” said Dr. Johnson, meet ing the biographer on the street, “I have been reading your manuscripts. There is a great deal about yourself iu them. They seem to me to be You moirs rather than Memoirs.”—Puck. She —“If you could have one wish, what would It be?” He—“lt would be that—that—oh, if I only dared to tell you what it would be!” She—“ Well, go on. Why do you suppose I brought up the wishing subject?”—Chicago News. Mrs. Porkley—“l often wonder how people manage to understand each other in France.” Mrs. Gotham—“ How absurd.” Mrs. Porkley—“Well, both my daughters speak French, and they can’t understand each other.”—Up-to- Date. Proprietor (average hotel)—“Very sorry, sir, but you will have to leave this house at once.” Guest—“ Goodness me! What have I done?” Proprietor (solemnly)—“You said something to a waiter which has displeased the cook.” —Yellow Book. Lady (Interviewing housemaid)— “Why did you leave your last place?” Housemaid—“ Because the master kiss ed me, mum.” Lady—“ And you didn’t like it, eh?” Housemaid—“Oh, I did n’t mind it, mum, but the mistress did n’t like it!”—Fun. Miss Quickstep—“ What part of town are we driving through, Mr. FibbleV” Fweddy—“l haven’t the least idea.” Miss Quickstep—“l was aware of that, Still, I thought it possible you might know what part of town we are driving through.”—Chicago Tribune. Miss Ancient Wantiman (suddenly awakening)—“l see you have my poca et-book; but there’s very little money in that compared with what I have in bank.” Burglar (gruffly)—“Well, there ain’t no way to git that!” Miss Ancient Wantiman— “H’m! Are you a single mau?”— Puck. . “Borus, in your last novel you spoil the story by raising an insurmountable barrier between the hero and heroine, who certainly ought to have married each other.” “I couldn’t help it, Nag gus. My wife Insisted that I was ihe hero of the story myself, and she got jealous of the heroine.”—Chicago Trn> une. A man who gets out of his usual rot, gets many an uuuecessary jolt DESTRUCTIVE STORMS ALONG THE COAST Reports of maritime disasters along the coast eome.in thick and fast. People who “go down to the sea in ships” should bear in mind one thing in particular, namely, that it is highly desirable to take along a supply ot Hostteter’s Stomach Bitters as a remedy for seasickness. Nausea, dyspepsia, billiousness, constipation, malaria, nervousness and kidney trouble, all succumb to its beneficent and speedy action. Helen—l wonder why Kato doesn’t mind her own business. Mattie—Sho hasn’t any. Helen—Business? Mattie—No: mind.—Chicago News. IT’S NOT EXPENSIVE. It’s the quality that’s high in Tea Garden Drips, Toboggan Maple Syrup and Pelican Louisiana Molasses. For said by first-class grocers in cans only. Money refunded if goods are not satisfactory. Don’t accept an imitation Sec that the manufacturer’s name is litho graphed on every can. THE PACIFIC COAST SYRUP CO. State of Ohio, City of Toledo, ( Lucas County. ) 8 * Frank J. Cheney makes oath that he is the senior partner of the firm of F. J. Che ney & Co., doing business in the City of Toledo, County and State aforesaid, and that said firm will pay the sum of ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS for each and every case of Catarrh that cannot be cured by the use of Hall’s Catarrh Cure. FRANK J. CHENEY. Sworn to before me and subscribed in my presence this 6th day of December, A. D. 1886 ■ seal.} A. W. GLEASON, ’ Notary Pup.lic. Hall’s Catarrh Cure is taken internally, and acts directly on the blood and mucous surfaces of the system. Send for testimo licils free F.J. CHENEY & CO.. Toledo, O. Sold by Druggists, 75c. Hall’s Family Pills are the best. RACING RACING PACIFIC COAST JOCKEY CLUB Ingleside Track, San Francisco Five or More Races Daily, Rain or Shine. S. N. ANDROUS, Pres. F. H. GREEN. Sec. YOUR LIVER Moore’s Revealed Remedy will do it. Three doses will make you feel better. Get it from your druggist or any wholesale drug house, or from Stewart & Holmes Drug Co., Seattle. ALASKA and the KLONDIKE How to Invest small Amounts FroJtaWv. If you cannot go personally, then be inter ested in an expedition that is fitting out a good man for two years service. Only 120 shares ?10 each. Send for particulars to P. L. GRIFFIN or the GRIFFIN INVEST MENT CO., 200 Currier Blk., LOS ANGELES, CAL. rr Lfcm ldrepT'teet hjncT £ Has. Winslow’s Boothing Syhup should always be 3 F used for children teething. It soothes the child, soft-1 Lens the gums, allays all pain, cures wind colic,and Is | the best remedy for diarrhoea. Twenty-five cents a j ©PlfflCS gB B with a world-wide reputation. Catalog free to till. JAMES J.H. GREGORY* SON, Marblehead, Mas*., Caledonian Lump Coal Is the best and lasts long/ est Sold as low as the poorer coals. Demand it of your local dealer# Caledonian Coal Co. Wholasala Office, 1«• & Breadway, Loa Angelas, Cah TeLMala dH San Francisco’s Emporium Riilq nj grow paying crops because they’re 9 9 fresh and always the beat. For 9 9 eale everywhere. Refuse substitutes. 9 9 Stick to Ferry’s Seeds and prosper. 9 9 1898 Seed Annual free. Write for it. 9 I D. M. FERRY & CO., Detroit, Mich. I A BACHELOR’S QUARTERS. Nothing Homelike About Them, Accord ing to the Married Man’s Story. They hadn’t met since the old college days, teu years before, and of course the benedict insisted that the bachelor should como home to dinner with him. “Married the year after I left col lege,’’ he said, “and I have the nicest littlo home and the finest lot of young sters that you ever saw. I want you to como out and see how nicely I’m fixed. I tell you a man doesn’t know wh»t lifo is until lie's married.” “No?” “Well, I should say not.” And so it happened that the bachelor went with the benedict and met the latter’s wife and played with his chil dren and made himself generally useful and popular until they were all seated at tho dinner table. It was over the coffee and cigars, aft er the benedict’s wife had left the table, that the benedict finally suggested: “Pretty comfortably fixed, ain’t I, old man? Children, why don’t you go into the ether room?” “Very nicely, indeed,” answered the bachelor, replying to the first question and ignoriug the second. “Oh, there’s nothing like home life,” went on the benedict. “Willie, stop trying to climb on Mr. Brown’s knee. He wants to smoke. Do you know, old man, I laugh when I think of my fool ish idea that I knew in those old days what happiness was. Why, a man doesn’t begin to live until— Maggie, put that nutpick back on the table. You’ll jab it in your eye the first thing you know. Yes, sir. I actually have to laugh when I think of it. Our idea of contentment in those days was to get a pipe and a book and a bottle of Scotch and lock the door and lie down and— Would you mind moving your coffee cup a little farther back on the table, old man? Tommie’s trying to reach it, and my wife would raise my scalp if I should let him break one of her very best cups. That’s it. Thank you. As I was saying, we didn’t know what ease apd contentment was in those days. No single man does. A man has to have a big armchair and his slippers all ready for him and everything sort of restful and quiet before— Now, don’t cry, Ma bel. If you didn’t want to get hurt, why did you grab the end of my cigar? Tommie, take her in to her mother. There, Willie, I told you you’d stick that nutpick into your hand if you didn’t look out. Run into the other room and ask your mother to put a bandage on it. Let’s see, where was I, old man? Oh, yes, I remember now. I was about to say that there’s nothing homelike about a bachelor’s quarters”— “No, ” interrupted the bachelor, with considerable emphasis, “there isn’t.” The benedict couldn’t quite see the reason for such an emphatic assertion, but he wisely changed the subject, just the same.—Chicago Post. Feeding a Baby Elephant. In St. Nicholas F. Fitz Roy Dixon tells of a baby elephant that was cap tured by friends of his in Ceylon, after the death of its mother. Mr. Dixon says: When Sidney was first brought over, virtually in order that she might be fed, the question naturally arose as to how she would take her nourishment. Cf course the proper way for an adult elephant to take in water is by means of the trunk, which is furnished with two tubes running its whole length. But when a howl of milk was placed before tho baby elephant she did not know what to do with it. She dipped the tip of her trunk into it, and the lookers on thought that there would be no difficulty about her drinking at all, since she recognized the sceut of the nourishment she had been accustomed to. But she was quite at a loss and set up a roar which seemed quite natural under the circumstances. Then some one suggested pouring it down her throat from a bottle, and this was ac cordingly tried, and after one or two in effectual attempts she understood. Sho was half starved when this was done, for she had had nothing to eat since the death of her mother, and her delight at being fed was most amusing. The only trouble was that it was diffi cult to satisfy her, and it Avas feared that the change of diet would disagree* with her, but fortunately it had no ill effect. Nearly 200 patents have been issued for horseshoes, but not one of the inven tions has ever come into general use. Better Protected. lie was crying, but be finally man aged to blubber through his tears: “I wisht I was a girl.” “ Why do you wish you were a girl?” asked the father, who was maiuly re sponsible for the tears. “ ’Tain’t so easy to wallop them,” answered the boy, hardly realizing how great the truth ho had hit upon.—Chi nacro Post. VVVV»«fSTW¥¥»W »¥¥¥¥•¥¥¥ W V W » WWW VWVVVVVVVVVVWVWWVVVWWV i 2 g m | It cures extreme nervous- 2 J « 1* ness, as well as alcoholism ; and the morphine habit. | s TAKE THE KEELEY \ 5 « C a P THE KEELEY INSTITUTE, rt P Comer North Main and Commercial Sit., over Farm»rt*and Merchant *' Bank, Lot Angela. c « 2 « AIDil IAIIJIIJH %AiUIAAAJHIIJIJUJUIIIA AAIJUUIAAAAiiIAAiAAiAAAAIIAIIiI THAT FAMILY CLOSET. And the Various Kinds of Skeletons That Abide Therein. Every family has its skeleton. Wo know that, of course, anatomical speci mens, neatly put together and stored away in a securo cupboard, of which only family members have the key—a skeleton key, probably. Only when the family is alone, with no visitors about, does it go to tho door cautiously and unlock it and bring the bony occupant forth. The family knows its own skele ton, but outsiders are supposed to b 9 in total ignorance of its existence, and if they are wiser than people think them— ind of course they always are—it is only a point of politeness to pretend to be blind and deaf. Os how many kinds are family skele tons? The Joneses possessed an uncle who died insane. You can’t go near the Jones cupboard, or, in other words, even hint at the subject of hereditary insanity in their presence, without the skeleton audibly knocking its bones to gether and all the Joneses turning pale. You can’t mention Turkish bonds to the Browns without their jaws suddenly falling; you can’t think why. And when drink statistics form the cheerful sub ject of conversation at the Robinsons’ table you observe with wonder that all the family grow uncomfortable and writhe in their chairs. You haven’t the faintest notion why, but the skeleton has. I met a man once at a dinner party who was perfectly sane upon every point on earth but one, and on that ho was the opposite. He could talk about politics, science, art, Shakespeare and the musical glasses, but if by any chance tho conversation touched on dueling he went straight off his head then and there. Dueling was the skeleton in his cup board, and the reason was one that can not be enlarged upon here. On one day in every year ho shut himself up in his house and was not seen by mortal eye. That was tho one day when his skele ton came out and stalked about. Many people have what seems to the general public a harmless enough skele ton, but it is real and ghastly to them selves. It is of humble origin. It is sur prising the pains people will take to conceal that their grandfathers were poor, but honest, the lies they will tell (which only proves that the grandpar ent’s qualities have not descended in the direct line) and the meannesses they will indulge in, in the pitiable effort to hide the fact that two generations ago they kept a small greengrocer’s shop or wore plush and powder. After all, the longer the line the more certain it is to contain ancestors who won their bread by the sweat of their face. If all the world were not descended from the same “grand old gardener,” there might be more common sense in trying to forget honest toil.—English Exchange. A Timely Retreat. A young botanist was showing a par ty of ladies and gentlemen through the conservatory and explaining to them the properties of some of the choicest plants. Among the visitors was a would be young looking middle aged lady, who at every description volunteered the statement that the plants and flowers she had at home were quite equal to anything exhibited here or indeed any where. Just as they were passing a giant cactus she was heard to exclaim: “Well, this is nothing extraordinary. I have a cactus at home that is still larger. I planted and reared it myself.” “Reared it yourself,” the professor gently observed. “How remarkable 1 This specimen is 63 years old, and if yours is still larger”— The lady did not stay to hear any more, but executed a strategic move ment to tho rear.—Pearson’s Weekly. Her Beginning. Tom—How do you liko that novel 1 brought you yesterday? Alice—l don’t like it at all. I don’t care to finish it. Tom—How much have you read? Alice—One chapter. Tom—Then you really haven’t got into the story. The first chapter’s mero ly a sort of introduction. Alice—But the first chapter isn’t the one I’ve read, and the heroine dies. No; you may take it back.—Chicago News. God is love, and you can never escape from love. No sorrow, no sin, no estrangement, no darkness, can enable you to escape from love. The omnipo tence is the omnipotence of love, and the omnipresence is the omnipresence of love. You may loosen your hand, but he will not loosen his.—Lyman Abbott In Garrick’s time when the weather was warm the men in the pit took oil coats and vests. A dull, throbbing pain, accompanied *>y a sense of tenderness and heat low down in the side, with an occasional shooting pain, indicates inflammation. The region of pain shows some swell* ing. This is the first stage of ovaritis, inflammation of the ovary. If the roof of your house leaks, my sister, you have it fixed at once; 1 why not pay the same respect to all your symptoms. * Her experi than any other living person. The fol lowing from Mrs. Annie Curtis, Tioon* deroga, N. Y., is proof of what we say: “ For nine years I suffered with fe male weakness in its worst form. I was in bed nearly a year with conges tion of the ovaries. I also suffered with falling of the womb, was very weak, tired all the time, had such head aches as to make me almost wild. Was also troubled with leucorrhoea, and was bloated so badly that some thought I had dropsy. I have taken several bot tles of Lydia E. Pinkham’s Vegetable Compound, and several of her Blood Purifier, and am completely cured. It is a wonder to all that I got well.” After being Swindled by all others, send us stamp for particulars of King Solomon’s Treas ure, the ONLY renewer of manly strength, MASON CHEMICAL CO., P. O. BOX 747. PHILADELPHIA, PA. Alaska Direct, All Water Route to Dawson City and points on Yukon River, Elegant First- Class Steamers, leaving SAN FRANCISCO June Ist, and thereafter, making close connec tion at ST. MICHAEL with our f?ew Com modioug River Boats. FARE, $300.?? including 150 lbs. baggage. Freight 10cents per pound. Send for Pamphlets. Maps Free. The Alaska Exploration Company (Under Management, H. LIEBES & CO.) Offices, 139 Post St. San Francisco, Cal Agencies in Principal Cities of the World. T\\7M\7T\ wSsur nVIVn .assb IT INVIfiODATPC the delicate youth, feeds II Hi TIUUAAILJ the nerves and enriches the blood. It adds new brilliancy to the intel lect and fortifies the system against disease. It produces cheerfulness, and prolongs life. By mail, 50 cents. THE AVIVA COMPANY, Peralta P. 0., Alameda Co., Cal. TlflTlCl * or tracing and locating Gold or Silver Kll IIN Ore, lost or buried treasures. M. D. ILUUL) FOWLER.Box 337,Souteington,Conn What Type to use is a question of taste; we carry all the latest and best standard faces. The only complete stock of Printers’ and Bookbinders' needs, from tweezers to per fecting presses. No other house can supply your wants so completely for so little money. Send for specimen book. American Typefounders’ Company, 405-407 Sansome Street, San Francisco, California.