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The Parker Post AN INDEPENDENT NEWSPAPER. Published Weekly By— POST PUBLISHING COMPANY, INC. • J. B..FLANAGAN, Manager. subscription rates: One Year $2.50 Six Months 1 50 Three Months .75 Entered as second-class matter Ma 2S, 1910, at the postoff<ce at Parker, Arizona, under the Act of March 3, ‘879. Straphanger is a noun that has long been heard. Invent your own term for those who have to hang on to the seat back handle. No woman, It has been ascertained, can live on less than $8 a week, but a man’s minimum stands unexplained and uninvestigated. Eastern divine alleges women are not progressing morally as rapidly as men. How can they when one con siders hobble skirts? New York has only 5,332,000 inhabi tants, owing to the freakishness of law *hich forbids It to annex Connec ticut and New Jersey Did you ever notice how difficult it is for a woman to be very friendly with any other woman her husband ever was engaged to? Nobody ever receives a Carnegie he ro medal for wearing the first straw liat of the season. Mr. Carnegie is too narrow in his views. An inveterate gambler was sen tenced by a judge to gamble with no one but his wife. Nice way of keep lng the money in the family. That youth who married a girl to keep his father from marrying her certainly set an example of self-sacri flee seldom seen these days. The real triumph of the cubist-fu turist artists will not come until one of them-draws a picture of himself in despair over a bow-legged model. Another thing you must have no ticed is that when you hasten to stock your refrigerator with 100 pounds of ice the weather suddenly turns cooler. A Chicago woman says corsets are the mainstay of character and a cor setless woman just cannot be good. Maybe that’s what’s the matter with men. Now that soda water season has opened, it is well to remember that, although all drinks are charged, ydu will have to pay for them just the same. A southern young man drove two miles alone before he discovered his sweetheart had fallen out of the buggy. And then they rave about southern chivalry. The New York girl who spent seven years looking for a “real man” may have heard of Napoleon’s confession of unfaith: “Good lx>rd! how rare men are.” Now comes an expert and declares that much riding in automobiles is the cause of flat feet. Hut, in the opinion of most automobilists, that isn’t as bad as flat tires. A Kansas medical scientist is go ing to try two-year, cold-storage eggs on a squad of men. They are luckier than most of us, who have to take the older brands. Mexican Indians have been tortur ing people. Little can be done about it just now because the Mexican In dians are outside the humanizing in fluence of baseball. Then there is that morbid form of self-conceit that leads a man to con- j sider himself a hoodoo because tfce home team always loses when he at tends a ball game. If that proposal to require the dat ing of eggs is carried out it may be come necessary to teach the hens to read and write and to provide each with a fountain pen. On the latest and greatest steam- I ship just launched there are lifeboats for 5,250 persons. Still, the proper thing for a ship to do with lifeboats is- not to need them. The scheme of an organization or women to dress husbands on a total expenditure of fifty dollars a year looks like a conspiracy with the wives to be the chief beneficiaries While four French aeronauts were sailing over the Sahara desert in aero planes five others were killed in a bal- i loon’s collapse in France. It is get- j ting so that danger cannot be graded An alleged bigamist is said to have married under the names of “Beer.” “Dear ” "Near’’ and “Fear.” which goes to show that it takes almost no , immigration to induce some women to wed. Women who constantly wear veils suffer in time from deterioration of features, says a London physician Af ter that stage has been reached the wearing of veils should he made ob ligatory by law. Just what does the “slash” skirl prove? j&asebail is a good game, provided your team wins occasionally. Also our notion of a useless occu pation is that of raising artichokes. in the barbers' strike riots in New York revolvers were employed. Next! If all jokes were judged by points, a big bunch of them would score minus zero. Another much needed invention is a golf ball that will whistle whenever It is lost. The silk hat has survived a century. But the green one —a few months should suffice. When the Balkan states feel like borrowing $1,000,000,000, what does Turkey feel like? The dollars are flowing in for tur tle serum, but where are the absolute proofs of worth? It is our notion, however, that the world needs simplified talking more than simplified spelling Los Angeles has two lady “coppers” and It is said to he quite a sensation to be pinched by one of them After all, why correct the proof i even if the compositor does set it up vulgar instead of Bulgar styles. What a comfort it would be if mos qiritoes were as fastidious as are rain bow trout in the matter of biting. ’Twas a mean man who insinuated that at a suffragette meeting lie not only heard plain things but saw ’em. Pickpockets may conclude to plead chat in this day of empty purses and dollar watches they earn what they get. They say that the taste for Manila cigars can be cultivated. Anybody who likes artichokes ought to be deve it. When unnecessary noise is abol ished the picture of a messenger boy looking at an automobile horn will be pathetic What has become of the man who used to eat strawberry shortcake all the time and then wonder what ailed his system? Irrespective of currency reform, there should be dough for everybody soon.- The winter wheat crop has the best of prospects. An advance of $5 a foot is an nounced in the price of show snakes. But an advance in the price of the bar room kind would be better. This country has imported $16,000,- 000 worth of gems since the first of the present year. Somebody must be trying to square himself with liis wife. The strength with which a man wields a piece of bamboo depends up on whether said bamboo is a compo nent part of a carpet beater or a fish ing rod. “How long since you have seen a woman darning a pair of socks?” asks the Cincinnati Enquirer, thus offering an admirable topic for the historical societies. The new British ambassador is re ported to be a baseball fan, which may prove even more influential than profi ciency on the tennis court or the golf ing green. That all potato cars must be heated In winter is the mandate of the inter state commerce commission. There must be a society for the prevention of cruelty to the potato. The blasting at Panama is killing the sea serpent. This will not do. At least one of the sacred traditions of ages must be preserved from the com mercial iconoclasts of the age. One sporting writer says that it is now anybody’s pennant. But fr<fm the claims put forward by the various baseball managers we are led to be lieve that it is everybody’s pennant. Every time it rains in the city hun dreds of dollars’ worth of benefit comes to the back yard gardens and damage to the extent of thousands of dollars comes to women’s hats and dresses. You remember, don’t you, that Gau temala borrowed $2,600,000 from Great Britain in 1869? Well, Great Britain is unreasonable enough to think it is time for Guatemala to whack up, and is beginning to be un pleasant about it. The statement made that a woman saw a soul passing from a dying rela tive’s lips is received by scientists j with skepticism. Even were such 1 a thing allowed to be possible there are so many souls so sxnall as to ; be invisible under any circuin- j Stances. The public health bureau says that fear of the germs they may contain need deter no one from amassing greenbacks as swiftly us possible, since the ink kills the germs. Was anyone ever discovered who allowed such a fear to keep him poor, and If such a craven-spirited soul exists, Is it worth while to reassure him? THE PARKER POST, SATURDAY, AUGUST 9, 1913 ACTOR-MANAGER AS A STAF Must Be Given Time to Visit the Bo> Office and Waxh the Money While Being Counted. Rex Beach said at the inaugural meeting of the Authors’ league in New York: “I don’t prophesy that this league will make author-publishers of us — that author-publishers will become as common as actor-managers. In fact, I’m afraid an author-publislier wouldn’t get on. He is not mercenary enough “Have you heard, by the way, the latest story about our famous actor manager, liamfat? “Hamfat’s reader was turning down a play. “ ‘My good young friend,’ the reader said, ‘it is plain you don’t understand modern, up-to-date play construction. Why, in this play here Mr. Hamfat, as the star, wouldn’t be off the stage five minutes from the first act to the last.’ “ But,’ faltered the young play wright, ‘I thought the stars all liked that.’ “ ‘No, no,’ said the reader: ‘not your up-to-date stars; not your twentieth century actor-managers. No, no, young man. You must always leave your modern actor-manager at least 15 min utes in the second act to go round to the box office and watch the money be ing counted.’ ” Smart Gateman. “I had always thought the public servants of my own city were the freshest on earth,” said a New York man, “but a recent experience in Kan sas City has led to a revision of that notion. “One afternoon I dashed into a rail way station of that town with just half a minute to buy my ticket and enter a train for Chicago. I daslied through the first gate and, pointing to a cer tain train, asked hurriedly of the gate man : “‘ls that my train?’ “ ‘Well, I don’t know,’ replied he, with exasperating deliberation. ‘May be it is, but the cars have the com pany's name on them.’ ” —Harper’s Magazine. Complaint. “You are always complaining about the taxpayer.” “Yes, I sympathize with the masses.” “How much do you pay in the way of taxes?” “My dear sir, that has nothing to do with the case. The man who is pay ing a whole lot of taxes is usually so busy that he hasn’t time to do his own com plaining.” WELL, FROM S2OO DOWN. Wifey—l do really need a new bon net. Hubby—How much? Wifey—Well, I could get one foi from $lO up. Hubby—l’d rather know from how much “down.” Worked Both Ways. “Two mighty sad looking women.’ “Aren’t they?” “1 wonder what their trouble is?” “One of them was jilted by the man she was in love with.” “And the other?” “Oh, the man she was in love with married her.” Her Injunction. “When you kissed your weeping mother goodbye, and went out into the world to make your fortune, J pre- i suine her last tearful injunction was -’or you to be good?” “No, make good.” Claiming the Credit. “His wife has made a fool of him.” “He doesn’t know It.” “How do you knew he doesn’t?" ■“He says he is a self-made man.” I TECUMSEH BY PROXY By WM. LIGHTFOOT VISSCHER. Tom Lansing and Lucile Bell were strolling around the equestrian statue j of grand old “Tecumseh” Sherman, in j the moonlight of May. Near them towered the granite facade of the treasury, yonder twinkled the lights of the White House. “Sit there,” he said. For with his handkerchief he had switched away file dust from a block of stone where stood, in real bronze, one of the sol diers that, at quadrangle corners, guard the “Leader to the Sea.” As he seated himself beside her he said: i “When Sherman was leading his le gion through Georgia a handsome young captain of a cavalry regiment had a remarkable episode. A cavalry brigade had captured the town of Ros well, on the Chattahoochee, at the ex treme left of the army, and Roswell was simply a town of cotton and wool en factories. The exigencies of war demanded the burning of the factories and they were committed to the flames, but what disposition to make of the thousand or more pretty girls of the confederate looms became a serious question. Gallant old Tecum seh was equal to the occasion, how ever. He ordered a regiment of bold sabreurs to the front and directed ■ that each trooper and officer should take a pretty maid upon an impro vised pillion, behind him on his steed. “The girl that rode with her arms about the waist of the handsome young captain was the prettiest one of the thousand, and they were near ly all remarkably pretty southern girls who were patriotically working to clothe the soldiers of the south Moreover, she was of a good family -w> * Each Took a Pretty Maid. of Georgia and had held some sort of official position in one of the fac tories of Roswell. “Os course. Don't you know I was born in Marietta?” questioned Lucie Bell. “Yes, I know,” returned Tom Lan sing. “But this was many years be fore you were born.” “A young womjm who stood at the gate to the beautiful grounds I told you of, watching with amused face the passing regiment of double riders, when she saw the young captain and his charge, rushed screaming between fright and joy, toward them, and then something happened. The captain’s horse plunged and reared, and thy voung officer adroitly lifted the maid en to the ground and to the arms ol her cousin, the young woman who had come from the gate. But other of the horses taking, contagiously, the fright, plunged against him, and rider and horse fell among rough-shod hoofs. “Quickly the spot was cleared, but the young captain was taken up, un conscious, and by direction of the two girls was borne to the grand house among the trees and roses. The young captain happened to be known and loved by General Sherman who sent his own staff surgeon to at tend the injured officer. “There were days of anxiety foi those about the young captain. He was long unconscious and then foi lowed a fever. The left arm, with which he had so gallantly saved the girl from among the trampling horses, was broken and cut, but youth and a good constitution triumphed at last and shortly after Sherman had start ed on his march to the sea, Capt. Tom Lansing and Lucie Gill, his bride, the girl he had brought from Ros well behind him, and who had nursed him through his fight with death had arrived at Lansing’s home, in au tumn, on the shady banks of the river Des Plaines.” “Tom Lansing!” Lucie almost screamed. “Why that’s your name! And Lucie Gill —that’s my name— Lucie Gill Bell. My father had a cousin named Lucie Gill whom he loved so much that he named me foi her, but he died when 1 was a baby and of course never told me of hei history.” "She was my mother. I am th« only son and youngest of five chil dren.” “Then you and I are kin.” “Yes, but very far removed, I am thankful.” “I don’t see why you are so exult ant about the distance of our relation ship. I’m just as good as you are, Tom Lansing.” “A thousand times better, little girl. But 1 am glad we are not near of kin I because I want you to be my wife ” I “Lift me up,” she said, “until I can ; kiss the bronze lips of that old in* i vader.” “Can’t do that,” he said, “but I will he old Tecumseh’s proxy for once.” (Copyright bv Daily Story Pub. C®.) 1 Colorado River Supply Co. 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