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Shakespeare Modernized. CASSIUS AGAINST C.KSAR. llonor is the subject of my story; I cannot tell what you aud Think of this life, not being a mind reader, But. for mv single self, 1 had as lief not ba As to live to he in awe ot such a thing a,s \ndaf ter you have ta'en a good square I think\viil you he of the same opiuion. I was born as free as Caesar, llaviug been ushered into thei world North of Mason ami Dixons line; So \velS3 you ; we have led as well* And can both endure the winter s cold. And get along without a chest protector as well as he. Vot. once upon a raw and gusty dav. The troubled Tiber being m high rafting OuSSnid to me : " Cassius, 1 will bet you Two (toilers aud a half you will not leap . Into the”angry flood and swim to Hunters Quicker than yon could have said j. Robinson Crusoe, accoutred as I m I iilung-ed 111, and hade lnm follow me, And so, indeed, the suoozer did. The torrent roared, and we did bnflet it, With lusty sinews throwing it asnae, And stemming it with hearts of coutro- For irrthose times two dollars and a hall were not picked up every day. But ere we could arrive the point proposed, Caesar weakened, and cried: l.eip 111 ‘ ’ Cassius; . I’ve got a cramp m my leit leg . 1. as yfincas. our great ancestor. Did from the flames oi Ixoy, j Ipon his shoulders the old A''hi s es hear, So from the waves ot I iber. <ua i tne Plavcd-out Caesar; and this man is now Become a god. and thinks of running for WhiSiis is still a wretched tramp And must bend his body If Caesar carelessly but nod 10 him. He had the fever and ague when be was Canvassing for a book in hpain; And when the chill was on him 1 did mark how he did shake, Aud how, like an endman’s bones, ilis teeth did chatter ; 1 could have toU Him that quinine and whiskey Would knock the chills hirfierthan The price of butter, but 1 <lidn t no u, No; 1 rather enjoyed the situation. Now, in the name of all tlie goos at once; What lien roost uoes this, our Caesar, pat ronize, , ? That he hath grown so great. —Oil City Derrick. BEAU HICKMAN AND CAN ADA BILL. Canada Bill one time was .passing through "Washington, 011 l*:s way^H V (j\y i orlv. :iltor :i succonsi tl mm —V | 1 wag, fhmous, sSMm trick The two sports met on the steps of the huge marble capital. Hickman had been pointed out to Canada Bill by a bootblack. “Is your name Hickman, paid?” inquired Bill, extending his hand. “The same, sir. Whose hand might I have the honor of pressing ?” returned Hickman, thinking his new acquaintance was a newly arrived Westcrn member of Congress. “The hand you grasp, pard, is one generally known to be able to deal more cleverly than fairly,” responded Bill. “I, like yourself, am one of so cieties razor strops. lam ” “Canada Bill, by gum!” “Shake the uumber-two-times—for I’m glad to meet you, llickman.” “How long are you going to stop in town '?” “Stopped off expressly to make your acquaintance.” “Are you known in this city ?” “No.” “Then I will turn you to good ac count. How much money have you got to venture on a sure thing?” “Got $6,000.” “With you ?” “Right here,” and Canada Bill pul led forth two huge rolls of bills. “H<Jw would vou like to turn that into #*2,000 within the next three days ?” “Name the job, and I'm your man.” “\Sh! We'll take a drink,” and Hickman led the monte-tosser into the card room of a fashionable sam ple room. The next day a genteel, solemn looking man walked into the gentle tleman’s parlors at Willard’s Hotel, which were filled with Senators, Con gressmen and office seekers and hold ers of all grades. He carried a small note book in his hand and as he ap proached each group he would bow and say : “Gentlemen, I am collecting mo ney for a widow lady and her three children. They belong to a once proud, but now cast down family. If you will aid them please ask no further questions, but give what you see fit.” In the entire hotel the gentlemanly beggar only received sthree dona tions ol twenty five cents each. T lie others waved him impatiently asiue, while some plainly told him he was an impostor. Before leaving he said quietly to the three gentlemen who lad given him money : ‘“This will he repaid to you ten fold to-morrow evening at this hour.” He then took the address of each, asking them not to fail to be in the parlor next evening to get their mo ney, and cautioning them to speak to no one oi his promise,that he was Sir Orlando Matterson, President oi the Royal London Society for the Encouragement of Benevolence. Asa matter of course before ne -iVS a uiaupv* v* had got a block away from tne hotel everyone knew all he had said and done, and all considered him some crazy fanatic. Then a report got about that lie was an immensely rich but insane nobleman, who spent /ear ly hundreds of thousands in seeking those out who were willing to lend aid to the needy and rewarding theij| afterward, so that, according to his cracked brain the chanty I might be in a acce.cr ated. The next evening h#again asked alms, and everv one was on the look out for him. lie first singled out the three gentlemen who had g him twenty-five cents each, and very quietly parsed each an envelope con taining $2.50, and a small card up -011 which was printed, ‘“Live am* you shall receive.” “Cast your breafl on the waters, and it shall lie retur ed to you tenfold.” “Remember thff example of Sir Orlando Matterson you journey through life.’’ * Sir Orlando Matterson took s7Bjflj donations from the house that and it was noticeable that those whom his example had thus quicken ed were very careful that he should have correct address. The sam& iSmdt followed in each of the Mcoresm hotels and sample-rooms he BrUnitiatcd the night‘before. The .jpß ho with a solemn lace, ro- Kd donor of th" prewLjUs Biro- 0 ■act-toilful Ldoi teatat tnocitbVen'Plhf beautiful city to be thoroughly gen erous to the poor.” * This night he was like the ticket seller at the railroad. One, two, five, ten, and even twenty dollar bills, were shoved at him from all sides, so great had been the awakening in the cause of benevolence which the ex ample of Sir Orlando Matterson bad aroused. A benign smile hovered ' about bis mouth, and a tear that glit tered in his kind eye proclaimed the joy his soul felt as he shoved bill af ter bill into bis pockets and gazed with the look of a father upon his converts. That night Canada Bill showed up to Beau llickman something over SIB,OOO. “We’ll split her now,” suggested Bill as be ceased counting. ’Twouldn’t give you $12,000,” quoth llickman. “Let it be till to morrow night. I think I can raise a little hushmoney on this racket.” Next night Beau Hickman went the rounds and found groups of ex pectant converts waiting to see Sir Orlando Matterson. One at a time, as fast as he could do so, he would take one after another of the most prominent gentlemen aside and whis per in his ear: “I have got a little subscription book here which was handed to me by a friend this morning as he took the train for New’ York. Sorry you got sold on Orlando Matterson. lie’s skipped out. That was Canada Bill, the three card-mcnte man.” “Is that so ?” “Sure. Here’s the book with your name in it lor $20.” “Well, for gracious sake, Beau don’t show that book t,o anybody. And scratch my nan e off it, will yon ?” “Certainly,” returned Hickman, scratching over the naiuu with iris pencil; but,Gove nor, I urn kiud of short to-night. Couldn’t you lend me S2O till to-momm V” With a wry face the victim would pull for his pocket book, and placing the bill in Hickman’ hand would slip quietly from the hotel to the street. That night the two - on hies divid- j THE AGRICULTURIST. ~Z Tlpe share of each was over ed, and ll eau jjj c i inian Canada " ot “Kte.tricks on the unwary ob- Bill, wh* em thousands ol dollars tamed flk. an j were hurried as pau died pol* the moral is. that no mat pers ; allmmh a man may make by ter hoMUy or trickery, he will soou dishoneip } je f oun <i out, and doubt er or deserted, outcast. 1 .esad r Rennet won his Case in Bow Ijp* Court. . Aiffspoudent of the New York f has the following respecting Stephens’ experiences as one °T in the ante-bellum alawjf”v days: named Royson had sued A dCj nc t for his bill long over- I’eter £S|tMiding the wife of the lat due, i*ox. H. Stephens was on the ter. fskle, Robert Toombs, then Benn-jLftkthe United States, was for Stnaljlyakou. The doctor proved Dr. U.ber of visits, their value ac his ** u *iupocal customs, and his own cordinj®t 0 Jo medical practice. anthorJR n8 his client that the Mr. made out his case, and physir ;tvas nothing vitjierewith to as tin,, oggoj, the claim, the only rebutff V fiß to pay it. “ No” said 1 thing At hired you to speak on my • r*eter speak.” ■ /inn.-i nr . 1 ■* • . 1 case anjghens told him there was ®Mi* ay • ]. e }, at ] looked on to ma le out, and it was. obstinate, and at last told him to make a if he thought one tide. cowMhM said Peter Bonnet, “if ‘■fe-hnbs won’t be too hard on and Bob” 1 promised, and of the Jury- —You and ‘ and if we don't I is ’ere lawyers and stick a ,i-oantntr doctor. a;n uue-iur bd, "n't Icm. hi rue jury. Ifdon’t believe he is no doc tor, no way. There is doctors as is doctors, sure enough, but this man don’t earn his money; and if you send for him, as Mrs. Sarah Atkinson did, for n negro boy as was worth SI,OOO, he just killed him and wanted pay for it.” ' , “I don’t,” thundered the doctor. “ Bid you eure him ? ” asked Peter with the slow accent of a judge with a black cap on. The doctor was silent and Peter proceeded: “ As I was savin’, gentlemen of the jury, we farmers, when we sell our cotton, has got to give valley for the money we ask, and doctors ain’t none too good to be put to the same rule. Aud I don’t believe this Bam Roy ston is no doctor, no how.” The physician again put in bis oar with “ Look at my diploma, if you think I am no doctor.” “ His diploma !” exclaimed the new fledged orator, with great contempt. “ Ilis diploma! Gentlemen, that is a big word for printed sheepskin, and it didn’t make no doctor of the sheep as first wore it, nor does it of the man that now carries it. A good news paper has more in it, and I pint out to you that he ain’t no doctor at all.” The man ot medicin was now in a fury, and screamed out: “ Ask my patients if I am not a doctor ?” “ I asked my wife,” retorted Peter, “an’ she said as how she thought you wasn’t.” “ Ask my other patients,” said Dr. Uoystoil. | Phis -ieemed to be the straw that broke the camel's back, for Peter re plied with look and tone of unutter able sadness : “ That is a hard sayin, gentlemen of the jury, and one as re quires me to die or to have power as I’ve heard tell ceased to oe exercised since the Apostles. Does he expect me io bring the Angle Gabriel down to toot bis bo n before his time and cry aloud, ‘Awake, ye dead, and t 11 this court and jury your opinion of | Koystou’s practice ?’ Am Ito go to the lonely churchyard, and rap on the silent tmnb, and say to mu as is at last at rest trom physic and doctor’s hills, ‘Get up nere, you, and state if you died a natural death, or was bur’ ried away by some doctor '?” lie says, ask his patients, and, gentleman of the jury, they ai 'efdl dead! Where is Mrs. Beazley's nfan, Sam? Go ask the worms in the grave yard where he lies. Mr. Peak's woman, Sarah, was attended by him, and her funeral was appointed and he had the corpse ready. Where is that likely Bill as belonged to Mr. Mitchell ? Xow in glory a-expressin’ his opinion of Royston’s doctrin’. Where is that baby gal of Hany Stephens t She are where doctors cease from troub ling and the infants are at rest. “ Gentlemen of the jury, he has et chicken enough at my house to pay for his salve, and I furnished the rags, and I don’t suppose he charges for makin’ of her worse, even if he don't pretend to charge for curin’ of her, and I am humbly thankful that he gave her nothing for her in’ards as he did his other patients, for somethin’ made um all die mighty sudden ” Here the applause made the speak er sit down in great confusion, and, in spite of a logical restatement of the case by Senator Toombs, the Doctor lost and Peter Beunet won. Josh Billings to tL Girls. Dear girls are you in search of a husband? That is a pumper and you are not requested to say ‘‘yes” out loud, but are expeckted tew throw your [ eyes down onto the earth as tho you j was looking lor a pin and reply to I the interrogatory with a kind of draulin :;lgh. Not to press so tender a theme un til it becomes a thorn in the flesh, we will presume (tow avoid argument)' that yon are. on the lookout lor some thing in the male line. Let me give you some small chuneks of advice how to spot your future husband : * 1. The man who is jellous of every little attention you git from some other fellow, you will find after you are married tew him he loves him self more than he does yu, and what you mistook for solissitude, you will discover has changed tew indiffer ence. Jellosy isn’t a it is a ilver komplaint. •*! cies—often does the on sile that won’t rise anything else. Don’t for get that those things which you ad mire in a follow before marriage, you will probably in a husband after, and a mustash will gel to be a very weak diet after a short time. i>. If husbands could be took on trial as Irish cooks are, two-thirds ov j them would probably be returned; ! but there don’t seem to be enny law for this. Therefore, girls, you will see that after yu get a man yu’ve got tew keep him, even if you luz on him.— Consequently, if you have enny kold vittles in the hous, try him on them once in a while during courting sea son, and if he swallers them well, and sea he will take sum more, he iz a man who, when blue Monday comes, will wash well. 4. Don’t marry a phellar who is alwuz telling how his mother doz things. It iz too hard to wean a young one. 5. If a man can beat you playing on a pinnaner, and kant hear a fish horn playing on the street without turning a summerset on account of the musick that iz in him, I say to leave him ; he might answer to tend baby, but if you set him to hoeing out the garden, you will find you have got to do it yourself. A man whoze whole heft lies in musick, (and not too hefty at that) ain’t no better than a seed-litz powder; but if he luvs to listen while yu sing some gen tle ballad, you will find him mellow and not soft. Hut don’t marry enuy body for one virtew enny quicker than you would flop a man for iist one fault. G. It is one of the most tulfest tilings for a female to be an old maid successfully. A great menny has tried it and made a bad job of it, and had u bard time. Everybody seems to look, upon old maids jist as they do upon dried herbs in the garret— handy for sickness—and therefore, girls, it ain’t a mistake that you shud be willing to swop yourself oph with some true hearted phellow, for a hus band. The swop is a good one; hut don’t swop for any man who iz re spi-ktable just because his father iz. You had belter bean old maid for four thousand years, and then join the Shakers than tew buy repent ance at this price. No woman ever made this trade who didn’t get either a phool, a mean cuss, or a clown for a husband. RECIPES. Com Bread. —Two cupfuls yellow corn meal, one cupful wheat flour, one-half teaspoonful salt, and two teaspoonfuls of baking powder, sifted all together; one-halt teacupful molas ses, and two teaspoonful of melted butter stirred in the molasses; two eggs well beaten, and milk to make a stiff batter; bake in a quick oven. Nice Cookies for Breakfast. —One teacuptul of butter, or of drippings of salt pork, two cupfuls of sugar, one cupful of sweet milk, two teaspoon fuls of cream tartar, one teaspoonful of soda; and flour to make a dough. Roll thin and bake in a quick oven, but do not scorch. In the absence of sweet milk, a teacupful of cold water will do very well. West Indian Black Bean Soup. — Take one quart of black beans, and let them simmer in three quarts of cold water till they crack and begin to grow soft, then add one-half poifhcH lean salt pork, onions, pepper and salt, and let it boil down to the thickness one likes thin soup. About fifteen minutes before taking from the fire, put in two bay leaves, pinch of thyme (not powdered thyme) and four whole cloves. Then strain through a colan der ; add juice of one half large lemon, and slice the other half; if small, the juice of one and slice another; also, slice up a hard boiled egg, and serve at once. Beaches with Bice. —Take some peaches and cut them in halves; sim mer them in a syrup for half an hour, then drain, when cold arrange them on a dish around a Shape of rice made as three tablespoonfuls of rice,and washed clean, in done put in a Dfisin -'lake a custard with a gill of milk and the yolk of four eggs ; when cold mix with the rice. Beat up to a froth' a gill of cream, with some sugar anJfl a pinch of isinglass dissolved in a lit tle water; mix this very lightly with! the rice and custard; fill a mould 7 with the mixture and set it in ice. When moderately iced turn it out on a dish and serve. Bean Porridge. —When the beans are skimmed from the kettle to be baking, leave a teacupful or more of the beans in the kettle. Set the ket tle on the top of the stove w here the beans will slowly cook fine. Then season the broth with sufficient salt, pepper and butter, to make it relish, and, with good Graham bread, it makes a soup fit for a king or a dys peptic. Breast of Veal. —Cover thickly with crumbs of bread, put small lumps of butter about on it, and sprinkle with pepper and salt when baked, making a gravy of butter. This is a very nice dish. Both the rack and breast, as commonly dressed, a/e but little esteemed, yet in' this way make excellent dishes. '* 1 Mincemeat Fritters. —With half a pound of mincemeat mix two ounces of fine bread crumbs (or a tablespoon ful of Hour,) two eggs well beaten, and the strained juice of half a small lemon. Mix these well and drop the fritters with a desert spoon into plenty of pure lard; fry them from seven to eight minutes, drain them in a napkin and send them very hot to the table. They should he quite small. —The female gate keeper on the National pike has been removed for dead heading her sweetheart. She never toll’d her love.