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Secretary liar "an HI Callers.
, I ,"tr IS not alone on the chetisboard ot (I I I ntornUona politic that Secre 11 tary of State John' Hay display his diplomacy. lie la a strategist of no moan order In foiling; the moves of powerful opponents in the garni of congressional spoils. Not long ago a well known western rep resentative In congress was chosen United State senator. He immediately began to figure what was really due him from the government In the way of patronage. Al ready powerful in the republican councils of his state, the new senator bethought himself of the added glory of government plums that should be plucked by his pnrty workers and their friends. Their name was legion. There naa, in fact, a glut In the market of available timber for official sine cures. The clamor for office was deep, loud and Insistent. The new senator pon dered over the prerogatives that, rightfully or unrightfully, belong to the toga-bearers of the nation. He finally saw his' oppor tunity. At least he thought he did. Straightway with true senatorial dignity be summoned four of his henchmen. He promised them choice berths in the con sular service. Such appointments are rec ognized senatorial perquisites. He took his four friends to the State department, and brushed past the sable-hued messenger, who vainly tried to explain that Secretary Hay was busily engaged on pressing Inter national matters. The senator and the quartet of wouldbe officeholders stalked single file toward Secretary Hay's desk. "I am Senator Blank." said the senator. "Good morning." replied the author of "Little Breeches." "And these are Mr. ," etc., "of my state," added the senator. The secretary quietly nodded recognition. "Now, Mr. Secretary." continued the sen ator, 'Tve been examining the consular list and I find that my great commonwealth is not adequately represented there. My state hasn't its quota of places, and I have now selected some of the desirable posts for some of the deserving men of my state." A cold. Impenetrable expression stole over the face of the premier of the Roosevelt cabinet. It was a look he assumes on occa sions of great moment, and one that a number of the diplomatic corps have learned to recognise as a sign to look to their laurels. "For Instance?" suggested Hay. "Well, here's Stuttgart. It's a good post, pays well, and desirable all around. I would like that appointment made first." "Certainly. Walt a moment I'll look into It." And Secretary Hay pressed a button. "Sand for the appointment clerk," he or dered. The latter hurried In. Mr. Hay's face became as solemn as tho Visages of the Goths In the olden "days. "Mr. Mosher," he Inquired, "why did not Tou report to me that tho consul at Stutt rart la dead?" "But, Mr. Secretary" "I want to know, sir. why you failed to report that fact to me?" "But, Mr. Secretary we have no such report-no advices even to indicate that he bad been 111.' "Sure?' "Certainly, sir." Hay turned to tho senator. "Senator." he said, "there's some mistake. Tou must have been misinformed. The consul at Stuttgart la still alive." There was an awkward silence. The sec retary stood grim and somber. The four who had coveted the foreign posts shifted and orn. jiiSi . 0... 1. ii iiii position uneasily. The senator boiled wtth Indignation. But suddenly, from some where in his Inner subconsciousness, there came a realisation ot the situation and of the futility of argument. He and his bevy of political adherents lost no time In filing out, while Secretary Hay, confronted with problems of worldwide moment, but none the less a ready friend of consular reform, smiled and resumed the consideration ot treaty making. Collier's Weekly. George Goald's Favorite Story. "I don't believe George Gould ever told a funny story in his life." said an old friend of his to the writer, "but I don't hold with others that he Is utterly lacking in appre ciation of humor. There were certain stories that wero favorites of his, and his attitude toward a story was the same as toward a friend he never grew tired of either. I know in college ther vas a young fellow who once told a story about a German running to catch a ferryboat. The student told it with the German accent Biid with great particularity. He related how the German went tearing down the street, knocking over baby carriages and stumbling over dogs In his efTort to catch the boat be fore it pulled out Finally the man got to the pier Just as the ferryboat was six feet from the dock, and with a superhuman spring leaped out over the tide, landing on the deck and knocking over the captain. " Veil, py chimminles, I voa make dot boat, anyways!' cried the delighted Ger man, all out of breath. "But the captain, picking himself tip and brushing his clothes, swore like a pirate and exclaimed: " Tou crasy Idiot, the boat Is Just coming In.' "Ten years after George Gould left col lege this same man told the same story one night at a banquet at which Gould was present. George laughed as heartily at It as he did the first time he heard it 1 al ways did ;ike that story.' said he" Brook lyn Eagle. What's tho Csef The late Stephen Crane, whose posthu mous novel of Irish life Is soon to appear, had an imagination at once vivid and deli cate. One night, in a studio In New York, he was talking of old iigc-. "I can Imagine myself." he said, in his strange, quiet voice, "an old man, a very old man, 80, 90 years old. I can Imagine myself, at that great age, taken down with an Illness. My friends gather about my bed. It Is thought that I will die. "But I grow better. I see myself recov ering. The friends are surprised and pleased. They urge me to get up. "I can Imagine, though, how the weight of my years oppresses me, and how. though I am well, death seems so near that I say: " "Oh, It Is hardly worth while to get up and dress myself again.' "-Chicago Record Herald. Why Ho Gave Thanks. Recently, when Edmund Clarence Sted man was visiting In New England, he was called upon by the head of the house while at dinner to Invoke the divine blessing. "I was rather surprised, and for half a minute sorely tempted," said Mr. Stod man. In relating the Incident "Then I rose fa the occasion and asked a grace which I remembered." "But. Mr. Stedman," demanded a young woman of the party eagerly, "to what wero you sorely tempted V "To do as Charles Imb did under sim ilar circumstances." "And that was?" "He looked about tho board and asked In his surprises- Is there no clergymen present ?' The host -shook his hood. Then Lamb prayed: 'For this and all other mer clo, O Lord! make us truly thankful. ' " Philadelphia Ledger. Only One Story, Chief Justice Story attended a public dinner In Boston at which Bkiward Everett was present. Desiring to pay a aellcuts compliment to tho latter, the learned Judge proposed as a volunteer toast: "Fame follows merit where Everett goes." The brilliant scholar arose and responded: "To whatever heights Judicial learning may attain In this country, it will never get above one Story." Success. Usefal In tho Family. A woman doctor went to Utah to practice. She was a pleasant lady, as well as skillful, and her patients were very fond of her. "How I wish," said one of them, "that I could convert you to our religion! If you would only marry my husband and come and live with us" The doctor lied in horror to another friend, to whom she told the story. Her self-respect began to revive and she felt comforted, seeing how the eyes of her lis tener biased. "I don't wonder you feel as you do," re plied the friend, indignantly. "The idea! Why, that Mr. Is perfectly horrid. What you want to do la to marry my hus band and come and live with us" A Nervy Deed. "During the war between the north and the south, in 1863," says Admiral Dewey in "V. C," "I was a midshipman on Fara guts temporary flagship Monongaliela, a youngster getting his wisdom teeth cut on the shells of battle. One day while we were besieging Port Hudson, on tho Mis sissippi river, a round shot from one of the heaviest batteries out the mainmast in two and fell on the deck. A thrill of ap prehension ran round tho ship; no one knew if It were a shell or not I must ex plain that in those days tho oldUme fuses were used. But in the midst of the panlo one of the crew strolled coolly up to tho shit, picked It up and threw It overboard.' Chicago Patriotism. During the visit of the Moseley commis sion to Chicago the members visited sev eral public, schools, seeking pointers to enlighten Englishmen. One of the schools visited was at Palos Park, a little frame building where about thirty youngsters were cultivating their gray matter. Tho youngsters gased awestruck at the English men and were made speechless when they heard the visitors speak. There was on youngster in the crowd who bad bis nerve with him and his tongue In trim, and ho answered to tho name of Richard O'Con nell. After some commonplace questions as to the methods of the school, Dick O'Con nell made himself famous In the following dialogue: "The boy In the third seat back, what's your name?" "Richard O'Connell." "You have studied history. What did we have in 1776?" "The revolution." "Against whom was It? "The British redcoats. VWhat did we do to themr "Wo licked em." "Did we ever have any more trouble with them?" i "Yes, In 1S1J; we licked them again." "If we ever have any more trouble with thm would we lick them?" "You bct.' . At this point one of the commissioners lost pationce and remarked: "How perfectly ridiculous to teach child a thing like that." When Doctors Disagree. "There were two sisters living up In my, state," said Senator Burrows of Michigan, "who were fond of each other and all that, but who warred constantly about the two great schools of medicine. One pinned her faith to allopathy and the other to horns opathy. "One day there was great excitement ia tho family of . the lady who believed In homeopathy, and It was soon announced that she was the mother of bouncing twin boys. "The other sister came down In a hurry. Well,' sho said, 'now see what's happened. I wanted you to have an allopathic doctor. After this, I fancy you will listen to me.' Philadelphia Post. Once la a Plenty. There recently visited Washington an Englishman who at home Is more or less known for his newspaper "leaders" on mat ters sociological. The Briton was Intro duced to Gilford Plnchot, who Is at tho bead of the division of forestry of the De partment of Agriculture In conversation with Mr. Plnchot the for eigner soon Initiated a discussion of his favorite topic, end. In connection with some statistics of suicide in this country, ob served to Mr. Plnchot that he rather fancied that in proportion to the popula tions of the two countries there were mora cases of self-destruction here than In tho United Kingdom. "I am Inclined to think." oracularly re marked the Britisher, "that one of' tho prime causes that make for suicide la tho United States Is the great nervous strain under which you race through everything. I should say, you know, that In the case ot the Englishman he doesn't commit suicide so often, you know I" "And yet," said Mr. Plnchot, musingly, "I never beard of an American killing him self more than once, have you?" New York Times. Missed Iter "Vocation." Postmaster General Payne is a master of the epigram. He demonstrated that fact recently when be was questioned sl'ont some charges that had been brought rpb?" one of the officials of bis depBrt:r . Shrewd political organizer and man- -. for many years one of tho kltrhen eel-Wt of several administrations, systemntl", quick and unhesitating In his own private business policies, his command of Incisive speech on occasion and aptitude at epl grammatlo replies are pot to bo wondered at. "It Is not clear who brought these charges," said Mr. Payne. "They were worked up by Charlotte Smith." suggested his Interviewer. "She la a reformer who Is a familiar figure at tho capltol." . . "Charlotte Smith?" repeated the post master general. "Yes, I know her. Fsthera everything; mothers nothing I" Collier" "Weekly.