Secretary liar "an HI Callers.
, I ,"tr IS not alone on the chetisboard ot
(I I I ntornUona politic that Secre
11 tary of State John' Hay display
his diplomacy. lie la a strategist
of no moan order In foiling; the
moves of powerful opponents in the garni
of congressional spoils.
Not long ago a well known western rep
resentative In congress was chosen United
State senator. He immediately began to
figure what was really due him from the
government In the way of patronage. Al
ready powerful in the republican councils
of his state, the new senator bethought
himself of the added glory of government
plums that should be plucked by his pnrty
workers and their friends. Their name was
legion. There naa, in fact, a glut In the
market of available timber for official sine
cures. The clamor for office was deep,
loud and Insistent. The new senator pon
dered over the prerogatives that, rightfully
or unrightfully, belong to the toga-bearers
of the nation. He finally saw his' oppor
tunity. At least he thought he did.
Straightway with true senatorial dignity
be summoned four of his henchmen. He
promised them choice berths in the con
sular service. Such appointments are rec
ognized senatorial perquisites. He took his
four friends to the State department, and
brushed past the sable-hued messenger,
who vainly tried to explain that Secretary
Hay was busily engaged on pressing Inter
national matters. The senator and the
quartet of wouldbe officeholders stalked
single file toward Secretary Hay's desk.
"I am Senator Blank." said the senator.
"Good morning." replied the author of
"And these are Mr. ," etc., "of my
state," added the senator.
The secretary quietly nodded recognition.
"Now, Mr. Secretary." continued the sen
ator, 'Tve been examining the consular list
and I find that my great commonwealth is
not adequately represented there. My state
hasn't its quota of places, and I have now
selected some of the desirable posts for
some of the deserving men of my state."
A cold. Impenetrable expression stole over
the face of the premier of the Roosevelt
cabinet. It was a look he assumes on occa
sions of great moment, and one that a
number of the diplomatic corps have
learned to recognise as a sign to look to
"For Instance?" suggested Hay.
"Well, here's Stuttgart. It's a good post,
pays well, and desirable all around. I would
like that appointment made first."
"Certainly. Walt a moment I'll look into
It." And Secretary Hay pressed a button.
"Sand for the appointment clerk," he or
dered. The latter hurried In.
Mr. Hay's face became as solemn as tho
Visages of the Goths In the olden "days.
"Mr. Mosher," he Inquired, "why did not
Tou report to me that tho consul at Stutt
rart la dead?"
"But, Mr. Secretary"
"I want to know, sir. why you failed to
report that fact to me?"
"But, Mr. Secretary we have no such report-no
advices even to indicate that he
bad been 111.'
Hay turned to tho senator. "Senator." he
said, "there's some mistake. Tou must have
been misinformed. The consul at Stuttgart
la still alive."
There was an awkward silence. The sec
retary stood grim and somber. The four
who had coveted the foreign posts shifted
. 0... 1.
position uneasily. The senator boiled wtth
Indignation. But suddenly, from some
where in his Inner subconsciousness, there
came a realisation ot the situation and of
the futility of argument. He and his bevy
of political adherents lost no time In filing
out, while Secretary Hay, confronted with
problems of worldwide moment, but none
the less a ready friend of consular reform,
smiled and resumed the consideration ot
treaty making. Collier's Weekly.
George Goald's Favorite Story.
"I don't believe George Gould ever told a
funny story in his life." said an old friend
of his to the writer, "but I don't hold with
others that he Is utterly lacking in appre
ciation of humor. There were certain
stories that wero favorites of his, and his
attitude toward a story was the same as
toward a friend he never grew tired of
either. I know in college ther vas a
young fellow who once told a story about a
German running to catch a ferryboat. The
student told it with the German accent Biid
with great particularity. He related how
the German went tearing down the street,
knocking over baby carriages and stumbling
over dogs In his efTort to catch the boat be
fore it pulled out Finally the man got to
the pier Just as the ferryboat was six feet
from the dock, and with a superhuman
spring leaped out over the tide, landing on
the deck and knocking over the captain.
" Veil, py chimminles, I voa make dot
boat, anyways!' cried the delighted Ger
man, all out of breath.
"But the captain, picking himself tip and
brushing his clothes, swore like a pirate and
" Tou crasy Idiot, the boat Is Just coming
"Ten years after George Gould left col
lege this same man told the same story one
night at a banquet at which Gould was
present. George laughed as heartily at It
as he did the first time he heard it 1 al
ways did ;ike that story.' said he" Brook
What's tho Csef
The late Stephen Crane, whose posthu
mous novel of Irish life Is soon to appear,
had an imagination at once vivid and deli
cate. One night, in a studio In New York, he
was talking of old iigc-.
"I can Imagine myself." he said, in his
strange, quiet voice, "an old man, a very
old man, 80, 90 years old. I can Imagine
myself, at that great age, taken down with
an Illness. My friends gather about my
bed. It Is thought that I will die.
"But I grow better. I see myself recov
ering. The friends are surprised and
pleased. They urge me to get up.
"I can Imagine, though, how the weight
of my years oppresses me, and how. though
I am well, death seems so near that I say:
" "Oh, It Is hardly worth while to get up
and dress myself again.' "-Chicago Record
Herald. Why Ho Gave Thanks.
Recently, when Edmund Clarence Sted
man was visiting In New England, he was
called upon by the head of the house while
at dinner to Invoke the divine blessing.
"I was rather surprised, and for half
a minute sorely tempted," said Mr. Stod
man. In relating the Incident "Then I
rose fa the occasion and asked a grace
which I remembered."
"But. Mr. Stedman," demanded a young
woman of the party eagerly, "to what wero
you sorely tempted V
"To do as Charles Imb did under sim
"And that was?"
"He looked about tho board and asked
In his surprises- Is there no clergymen
present ?' The host -shook his hood. Then
Lamb prayed: 'For this and all other mer
clo, O Lord! make us truly thankful. ' "
Only One Story,
Chief Justice Story attended a public
dinner In Boston at which Bkiward Everett
was present. Desiring to pay a aellcuts
compliment to tho latter, the learned Judge
proposed as a volunteer toast:
"Fame follows merit where Everett goes."
The brilliant scholar arose and responded:
"To whatever heights Judicial learning
may attain In this country, it will never get
above one Story." Success.
Usefal In tho Family.
A woman doctor went to Utah to practice.
She was a pleasant lady, as well as skillful,
and her patients were very fond of her.
"How I wish," said one of them, "that I
could convert you to our religion! If you
would only marry my husband and come
and live with us"
The doctor lied in horror to another
friend, to whom she told the story. Her
self-respect began to revive and she felt
comforted, seeing how the eyes of her lis
"I don't wonder you feel as you do," re
plied the friend, indignantly. "The idea!
Why, that Mr. Is perfectly horrid.
What you want to do la to marry my hus
band and come and live with us"
A Nervy Deed.
"During the war between the north and
the south, in 1863," says Admiral Dewey in
"V. C," "I was a midshipman on Fara
guts temporary flagship Monongaliela, a
youngster getting his wisdom teeth cut
on the shells of battle. One day while we
were besieging Port Hudson, on tho Mis
sissippi river, a round shot from one of the
heaviest batteries out the mainmast in
two and fell on the deck. A thrill of ap
prehension ran round tho ship; no one
knew if It were a shell or not I must ex
plain that in those days tho oldUme fuses
were used. But in the midst of the panlo
one of the crew strolled coolly up to tho
shit, picked It up and threw It overboard.'
During the visit of the Moseley commis
sion to Chicago the members visited sev
eral public, schools, seeking pointers to
enlighten Englishmen. One of the schools
visited was at Palos Park, a little frame
building where about thirty youngsters
were cultivating their gray matter. Tho
youngsters gased awestruck at the English
men and were made speechless when they
heard the visitors speak. There was on
youngster in the crowd who bad bis nerve
with him and his tongue In trim, and ho
answered to tho name of Richard O'Con
nell. After some commonplace questions as
to the methods of the school, Dick O'Con
nell made himself famous In the following
"The boy In the third seat back, what's
"You have studied history. What did
we have in 1776?"
"Against whom was It?
"The British redcoats.
VWhat did we do to themr
"Wo licked em."
"Did we ever have any more trouble with
"Yes, In 1S1J; we licked them again."
"If we ever have any more trouble with
thm would we lick them?"
"You bct.' .
At this point one of the commissioners
lost pationce and remarked:
"How perfectly ridiculous to teach
child a thing like that."
When Doctors Disagree.
"There were two sisters living up In my,
state," said Senator Burrows of Michigan,
"who were fond of each other and all that,
but who warred constantly about the two
great schools of medicine. One pinned her
faith to allopathy and the other to horns
opathy. "One day there was great excitement ia
tho family of . the lady who believed In
homeopathy, and It was soon announced
that she was the mother of bouncing twin
"The other sister came down In a hurry.
Well,' sho said, 'now see what's happened.
I wanted you to have an allopathic doctor.
After this, I fancy you will listen to me.'
Once la a Plenty.
There recently visited Washington an
Englishman who at home Is more or less
known for his newspaper "leaders" on mat
ters sociological. The Briton was Intro
duced to Gilford Plnchot, who Is at tho
bead of the division of forestry of the De
partment of Agriculture
In conversation with Mr. Plnchot the for
eigner soon Initiated a discussion of his
favorite topic, end. In connection with some
statistics of suicide in this country, ob
served to Mr. Plnchot that he rather
fancied that in proportion to the popula
tions of the two countries there were mora
cases of self-destruction here than In tho
"I am Inclined to think." oracularly re
marked the Britisher, "that one of' tho
prime causes that make for suicide la tho
United States Is the great nervous strain
under which you race through everything.
I should say, you know, that In the case ot
the Englishman he doesn't commit suicide
so often, you know I"
"And yet," said Mr. Plnchot, musingly,
"I never beard of an American killing him
self more than once, have you?" New York
Missed Iter "Vocation."
Postmaster General Payne is a master of
the epigram. He demonstrated that fact
recently when be was questioned sl'ont
some charges that had been brought rpb?"
one of the officials of bis depBrt:r .
Shrewd political organizer and man- -.
for many years one of tho kltrhen eel-Wt
of several administrations, systemntl",
quick and unhesitating In his own private
business policies, his command of Incisive
speech on occasion and aptitude at epl
grammatlo replies are pot to bo wondered
"It Is not clear who brought these
charges," said Mr. Payne.
"They were worked up by Charlotte
Smith." suggested his Interviewer. "She la
a reformer who Is a familiar figure at tho
capltol." . .
"Charlotte Smith?" repeated the post
master general. "Yes, I know her. Fsthera
everything; mothers nothing I" Collier"
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