Newspaper Page Text
Hard to Ur Ilnnrnt.
Y WAY of Illustrating how difficult I -C I it Ih for a man to remain honest lJ while In the Ohio Iccislat lire Con gressman Heidler tolls a story. A sturdily upright mimlrr f.om one of the country dl.-l ricts was approached by a lobbyist, who nsk'd him to vole for a certain bill, hinting at a handsome monry consideration. The indignant raim'irr, who was opposed to the mfiisurp, began ti voice his anger, when the lobbyist siid the other side was spending a koo1 deal of money to defeat the bill. The member at once said hp should not take sidts at all, whereupon the lobbyist suggested that he stay away when the vote was being taken. The country legislator, thinking that was a pood idea, did mi. On his re turn t lie lobbyist handed him. $5X1 for ab senting himself. "Ureal Scott!" paid the astonished number, "is there no way for a man to be honest here?" And tin n ho pocketed the t'M Just like an old-finer. t l Mentioned Tuft's Digestion. "How Is your digestion? Is your stomach weak? Imps It subject yo'.i to incon venience and distress by day and dbturb your rest by night? Do-s Indigistion ac quaint you with the horrors of dyspepsia,'.'" Thesv- questions were pr pounded to Sec retary Taft In the first letter he nc lved after entering upon his dui.-s as bead of the War department. The quest! lis were clipped from a id wspap 'r adv. rlls -meat, and beneath theni was the 1 l tare of an Insomnia patient. The following note accompanl d the q':e-i-tlons: "To the Secretary of War Sir: The In closed questions are addressed to your con science as a public ofllcer. 1'nless you ca'i answer them in the negative y u should Immediately resign, l'rom u Common or Garden Lawyer." The handwriting was that of Secretary Root. Washington Times. Daniel Had I'orunt ten. Senator Daniel of Virginia, who h is just been re-elected, Is the author of a stnn.lnrd law book entitled "lanM on Negotiable In struments." lie was explaining in cne of his law lectures one day how he came in write the book, lb' siid he was In hi office some, years ago when a mm came In and ayked him If light drafts carry throe days of grace. He didn't know. Non of the other lawyers knew, and it ti ok a visit to a bank to lind out. He th' n de termined to write a comprehensive work on all negotiable Instruments, and he did so. As the senator was finishing a young man In the class said: "Senator, do sght drafts carry three days of graej?" Daniel hemmed and hawed, bviked confused, and finally said: "I'pon my soul, young man, I have forgotten." Philadelphia Htcurd. Admiral raglilnii and the Jackpot. An nnecdote of Admiral Coghlan was told In a senate committee room Saturday nprojios of present day events on the Isthmus of l'annma, where that naval offi cer is now stationed as second In command. It ' quite a number of years ago, when Cog. .in was returning north from South Amcricu. lie had stopped at lVrnambuco, on tho Hrazilian coast awaiting the sail ing of the ship. Tho future admiral went over to a private warehouse to chut with some friends ami Pealed himself oil the head of a big barrel, closed only by a board upon Its top. An amiable sort of fellow, whose business was buying tropical animals for circuses In the states, entered and Inquired for boa con strictors. The negro porter was sent to locate the receptacle in which the boas Were stored, lie hunted high and low till lie bethought himself of the barrel where Coghlan was Kitting, and there they were, two of them. Coghlan nearly Jumped to the celling at the discovery. The good ship sailed in due season. To while away the long hours of tin" passagn a poker game was soon in progress In the cabin. The admiral never was a devotee to poker, but although a greenhorn at It was pressed to take a hand to make out a sufficient number. The owner of the two boa constrictors which hail given him such a shock was likewise a passenger on the same boat, ami was sitting in the game. Finally, in a goodly Jackpot, the snake man went In with a four-card flush of clubs. Coghlan had three nines hearts, diamonds and spades. The two put their hands upon the table, the faces of the cards up. The snake man drew tlrst. His card, which remained conceal, d, of course, was tho ten of clubs. Coghlan held a "sider," because "he didn't know' any bet ter," as the story was told. His card was the nine of flubs. He fore the betting stopped all the snake man's mc.ney and his prolils on the boa constrictors were mortgaged to the naval otlii i r just now helping to conserve the Interests of the 1'nited States oil the isth mus. Washington l'l st. Poor, Suffcilng: Cuba. During a brief lull in the proceedings of the house of representatives the other day Speaker Cannon talkid to Asher Hinds, his parliamentary expert, about Cuba. "I went down there with Speaker llecd." said Hinds. "Hood always was opposed to the Cuban business in all its branches. Heed drove around tho city and one night went to see Jul Alui played that game on which the Cubans gamble madly. "He walked into the fronton, was shown his scat and looked around with much in terest. At one end of the court there was an Immense bluckloard on whicli the bets were recorded. Heed lnqulied all about tho game and had its gambling features ex plained to him. " 'How much has been staked so far? he asked. "The guide looked at the beard and said that ju.uo worth of mutual tickets had al ready been bought. " 'Nino thousand dollars,' Hoed said re flectively. Then, with much pathos, he added: 'l'oor, suffering Cuba !' "Saturday Lvenlng Host. til ertlone. One of the habitual loafers who Infest lower Hrondwny received a shock the other day that was a notable event to him. He held up a well dressed, h.ind.-omo man, who was entering the Kmpire building. ".Mister, can't yer help me. I've been out of a Job fer near three months. 1 need " The other inti rrupti d. "I'c been out of a Job myself fur about the same time. I can sympathize with yen. Hero's half a dollar," he said. As the stranger passed along, the police man at the door came after tho tramp. "Say, what d'ye mean by holdin' people tip around here. These fellers won't stand for it. That was Charles M. Schwab." The linbo nearly fainted. New York Times. Judged from A ppen rn need. Senator 1'roctor of Vt rmont likes to tell of an experience he had some time ago while making a tour of the west. He was uccompatilcd by Airs. 1'roctor and some fifteen or twenty other nun and women. The party made a stop ut Sail Lake City and Ihe senator and his wife went for a walk about the place, half a dozen women following them. That morning a largo party of tourists from tho east had ar rived there and some of thvin caught sight of Mr. Hroitor and his friends. Said one t.f the tourists In a stago whisper: "There's an old Mormon oat for a walk with his wives. 1 wonder If he has any more." Salt Lake Tribune. The Itelort In Kind. W. D. Howells. the novelist, seldom falls, when any one has animadverted on his cor pulence, to come out with a neat retort. When Mr. Howells was consul at Venice a very lean and long American said to him one day Jocosely : "If 1 were us fat as you I'd go and hang myself." "Well." said Mr. Howells. "if 1 ever take your advice I'll use you for a rope." New York Tribune. I'omliiu Kvrnls. While Cardinal tllhbnns, then a monslg nore, was living In Home years ago, ho went to dine at the American college. Din ner iiver, some bonbonnleres repn sent lug lints of every description wero passed around as souvenirs. Tho waiter currying the tray on which they were stumbled Just as he reached Moiislgnoro Cibbons anil a miniature cardinal's hat. the red trleorn, rolled from t ft- tray Into tho prelate's "jilate. Count Cassell, who whs a warm friend of the mensignore, paw the episode, and lean ing across the table, quoted the maxim: "Coming events cast their shadows be fore." I'.verybody laughed, nnd so did the mnn slgnore. but a year later, when the dignity of cardinal wa3 conferred upon him, Fcv oral recalb d the dinner at the American college. A Thrifty llntrhmnn. Senator Juny seldom tells a story. but when be dots It Is usually a good one. Ills latest Is a yarn told In the senate cloak room to illustrate tho high standard of morality In the keystone state. An old I'ennsylvanla Dutchman, a thrifty but not wealthy farmer, was elected to the legis lature. Several "meaty" railroad nnd other corporation measures came up for con sideration and after the session had cIosm! the old farmer surprised everybody by buy ing and paying cash for property worth IS'tCO. Someone asked If a fortune had ls'-n left to him. "Oh, no," was the reply. "I have Just been saving money while in Harrisburg at the legislature," "Why, Hans," said his friend, "yon could not save in.oeo n three months when our nalary was only 3 a day." "Ah, but you forget," explained the old man as he stroked bis beard complacently, "my wlfo didn't keep a hired girl all that time." I.OKleal Aim wer. Afti Hon. Cave Johnson had served his long nnd brilliant career In congress and b.nl retire. 1 to the quiet of private life, hn once stepped Into the ofllce of his nephew. Hooci't Johnson, Hon a young lawyer of much promise, and finding the young man engaged in writing with a gold pen had occasion to remark upon tho extravagance of tho rising generation. "Why Is It," he asked, "that every young man now has his gold pen, while tfiose of my day were content to use their goose quills?" "I suppose." replied Hubert. In the most Innocent manner ssible, "it is because there were mol e g. ese when you were a young man."--Huston Host. ('mine for Coolnrmi. The following Is told of the late Culled Slates Senator Sowcll and Colonel "Jim" Seovel: The colonel, who w;ls a stirring orator, but very erratic, had been for years a thorn In Sewcll's side when Kcwcll was commander-in-chief of the republican forces of tho stale. They did not even know each other when they met on the streets. In time Scowl Joined the Salva tion army and mellowed toward the sens tor enough to f.-d eneeouraged to ask Sewell for a pass to Chicago. "I'll send It to you!" the general said, and the next morning there was a letter itt Soovels mail from Sewcll's West Jersey railroad olllee. Seovel dashed out the moment he broko the envelope seal. "See here, g'neral!" he exclaimed, as ho rushed Into the s -iinfor's presence, "I bavrt the pii.ii to Chicago, hut then- Is no return coupon to It." "I am willing, sir," the senator re turned with fn ezhig dignity, "I am willing, sir, to send you to Chic igo. Hut I'm not d d fool enough to help you get back." Tho old-time coolness was on again at once. Church Sleeper. "Hew sleepers are one of the bugbears of pre.-.chcrs," said Hev. Dr. Hubert Collyer, the vitcran New Yerk minister. "I can speak fielingly from experience. On ono occasion when Henry Ward needier asked lee to go to Hlymoutli church to talk to his people, he remarked-Jokingly, let us hope that most ot them were hardworking folic who needed plenty of rest on Sunday, and he felt that a si rmon from me might bo gratefully received. "In the course of my talk I mentioned 1 1 1 1 rs and said that It wes, however, a mat ter upon which my feelings could not bo hurt, nnd that I owed tills Impervlousnoss to Mr. needier himself. I told them that one Sunday, years In-fore, when I was at tending a service at old Hlymoutli, Mr. Jlccclur was thundering forth, I saw one or his deacon;; asleep in a front pew. "I went on to say that always after this whenever I siw a man slumbering peace fully through my most stirring efforts lit the pulpit I would say to myself, 'Well, let hbn s'.ep; even the great l!eechcr can't keep 'cm all a wake.' " The I'lmt Whs the IjixI. The late Kr.-ilerle It. I'ouderl, the lawyer and wit, was a graduate of the class of l-.ro of Columbia. An aged Columbia man the other day described, with a pensive smile, a skating expedition that in his col lege days he had made with Coudert. "I nntl cd when we set out," he mid, "that my friend's skates were new, but I thought nothing of that. I was under tho Impression that he could skate admirably. "This Impression, though, was soon cor rected. Coudert no sooner got his skates on than his legs Mew up, and ho came down on the lee hard. I hurried to help him to his feet; but lie wouldn't get up; ho sat where he had fallen, taking his skates off. " 'Is this, old man,' I said, 'your first exwrlenee of skating?' " 'No,' he growled, unfastening the buck les quickly, 'no, It's my last." "New York Tribune. Turned Trick on Joiluc When Justice Alexander H. Hi gin r, re tired, was presiding on the probate bench, of the district supreme court a woman at torney appeared as counsel in a in it tor under consideration. The facts in the co-kj and tho law were all right, l-'or oui" ip.i son tho Woman could not dovetail the facts. After several att.-nipis to draw an older In accord with lh- law and facts in tho caye, in despair she appealed to J ist to Hagmr by sajlng: "Well, Judge, what do you think I had better do about lids matter?" With a twinkle in his eye Justice ilognc-r replied: "Well, madam, I would advise you to em ploy a lawyer to straighten It out for ou.' "Thank you." said tho woman, as sho turned from the bar. When court was ad journed she applied to Justice Higier for advice and got It. Washington Times.