One on C roiTrno",
jATni vniuKKn tells of nn
Sk amusing Incident that occurred
1 ilurlnu a rjulitcal meeting In Ken
tucky to which Representative
Groavcnor. tho republican war
hurso of Ohio, had bcfn Invited for tho
purpose of making a speech.
Tho suave chairman of the meeting arose
"Indira and gentlemen, It la needless to
oliserve that wo are fortunate, most fortu
nate. In having with us tonight tho most
eminent of republicans from the Imperial
state of Ohii. We shall have the great
pleasure of listening tonight to a man
whose name Is a huuwlwlj word through
out this great country a man who is
probably as well known in this state ns
he is In his own. You all know him. This
man Is our frtenJ; his name is ever on
our lips. I,atlio.s anJ gentlemen, I have
tho very great pleasure of Introducing to
you that stanch patriot, that sterling re
publican, that unsurpassed statesman.
General, General "
Here the chairman became very red,
stammered, turned pule and then red again.
Finally, the suspense, of the thing becom
ing too Intense for Mm:
"(Jeneral Gossamer of Ohio!" New York
Fnniloa on Valor.
General Funston, at a dinner party, com
plimented tho valor of tho Japanese.
'Their valor," he said, "is not like tliat
Of a certain captain of the post.
"This captain was about to lead his com
pany into battle. Ho drew his sword and
' 'Now, my bravo fellowH, he shouted to
nis men, 'you havo a tough struggle before
you. Fight like heroes until your ammuni
tion is gone, then run like antelopes. I'm
a. little lame, so I'll start now.' "
Shot at Ihr Miller.
Congressman Wade of tho Second Iowa
district has a well established refutation
as wit and raconteur. Especially in the
latter role does ho show to advantage.
Ono of bis best stories Is about a young
man who took a sack of grain to nn old-fa-shloned
mill to have it ground Into meal,
Tho ponderous wheels revolved so slowly
that only a tiny stream of meal trickled
feebly, while tho young man patiently
waited. Finally his patience was ex
hausted and he complained to the miller.
"Do ou know," he said, "I could eat that
meal faster than your old mill can grind
It." "Yes," replied the miller, "but how
long could you keep on eating It?" "I
could keep on eating it until I starved,"
was tho conclusive answer of the young
Lincoln's humor armed him effectively
against the Importunate persons with
whom, as the head of the nation, he was
During the civil war a gentleman asked
111 in for a pass through the federal lint
"I should be happy to obligo you," said
I.lnculn, "if my passes were respected.
Hut the fact is, within the last two years
I havo given passes to 230,000 men, and not
one has got there yet." Youth's Com
panion. lie Was Kcononitral.
Thomas W. Lawson, the lioston million
aire, believes that It 19 rather through en
terprise and originality than through econ
.L Of X L
omy that financial success may be at
tained. "Tho time Is past," he said the other
day, "for such economy as used to be prac
ticed by an old lioston rcstaurauteur, who
"The old fclow was economical to excess,
but while he pottered about his kitchen,
trying to make one egg do the work of
two, his neighbor across the way was In
troducing a roof garden and a mandolin
orchestra, and the economist, I understand,
hardly left enough on his demise to pay his
"He was, beyond any doubt, an econo
mist. A couple of plumbers were work
ing one day in his cellar. It was too dark
Uiere to eee, and the men asked for sumo
" 'Well,' said tho old fellow, 'here's a
candle. Make it go as far as you can.'
" 'One caudle won't do,' said the plumb
ers. 'It won't give us suttlcient light.
We must have two.'
"The old man knit his brows and thought.
"'How long, boys, will you bo woiking
down here?' he said.
" 'About tiftoen minutes," said tho plumb
ers. "Then, said the rentauranteur, 'cut the
candle in two.' " Hoston I'ost.
An I nuxunl Siicut.
Shortly beforo he sailed for Kurono Colo
nel W. H. Cody (Iiuflalo Hill) was enter
taining Hr. J. 1 Glrdner with a few les
sons In ethnology gleaned from his experi
ences among the Indians in the early
"Ky the way. Doc," he asked abruptly,
"ever see a red headed Indian?"
"Never did, and never heard of such a
"I saw one, a Cherokee, down on tho
Fort Scott trail," quietly answered Cody,
and then stopped, waiting for "a rise."
It came. "Kather unusual sight, that,
"ltather; but, you see, this Indian was
bald." New York Times.
Told liy Satolll.
At a reception that was tendered him in
tlm mayor's ottiee at lUilfalo, Cardinal Si
tolll praised tho fearless, independent,
hopeful charade- of the typical American.
"This Independence and hopefulness and
confidence," lie said, "are to bo found here,
I have been told, even in the little children
of tho poor.
"The bootblack, the newsboy, tho vender
of shoelaces never r pines or despairs, for
lie knows that he will save enough inc ney
to go to college and, eventually, he will
graduate in law or medicine.
"I havo a friend In America, a rich mer
chant, who bought a paper one morning
from a newsttoy whoso nature must have
bi en admirably confident and hopeful.
"My friend had not the money to pay for
his paper, and the newsboy Eald:
" 'I'll trust you, sir.'
"A day or two afterwards, pafslng down
that way, my friend singled out the news
boy nnd accosted him.
" 'You, I believe," he said, 'are the boy
1 bought a pnper from the other day when
I had no change. I owe you u penny. Hero
It Is, and thnnk you.'
"Hut the newsboy waved aside the penny.
"'Oh, that's nil right,' he said. 'Ke. p it
for your honesty.' " Philadelphia Record.
Story from 'Way Hack.
"Private" John Allen tells the following
as illustrative of the partiality of the
southern darky for long words of whan
meaning he Is absolute Ignorant:
"A negro named Klljah Thomas, living
In Tupelo, Miss., recently chanced to meet
a friend who complained of feeling miser
able. In fact. Thomas' friend feared for
his life, so 'tuckered out' was ho.
" 'Wot's do matter wlf youp' inquired
" 'I.lje.' moaned the second negro. Indi
cating the region where the pain lay. Tse
got Filch a awful pnlna In man back head!'
" "In dat case,' resonded Klljah solemnly,
'I knows what you oughtcr do! You oughtor
go over ter Jackson. Hey says dat dere's
th Hnest bncktcrlolgist ever dcre In do
whole ruuf !' "
Alive and Dead rrn(rra.
Carter Harrison, mayor of Chicago, while
on his way wct, chanced to meet an ac
quaintance, and together they trnveled,
chatting about boyhood days. The con
ductor came along, took up the ticket of
tho acouaintaneo, placed a tag on his hat,
resided pleasantly' to the mayor and, with
out examining tne hitter's pass, went on.
"Thank you," said the acquaintance to
"Wliat did you say that for?" nsked the
"Why. for the manner In which he dis
tinguished lietween us and for Indicating
that I am still classed among the living."
"I fail to understand," declared the
"It appears to me as very evident," ob
served the mayor's companion cautiously,
"that tho conductor does not consider It
cecesbary to label a deadhead."
Felix Adler, notably witty in his lectures,
lias, too, a decided humorous vein In con
versation. Here Is one of the stories he
tells on himself in casual talk: Two women
who had attended Mr. Adler's lectures at
CVnefrte ball, New York, for many con
secutive Sundays with unfailing regular
ity finally called on the lecturer one day
at his home. "We wish to tell you In per
son, Mr. Adh r," they said, "how much wo
have enjoyed your lectures. We wish to
thank you for them. Wo have enjoyed them
lor months, anil now we go back to our
own church perfectly satisfied!"
Couldn't Lose It.
Anent the easo with which some politi
cians, both democrats and republicans,
Ignnrn the principles of their parly, yet
claim to be loyal thereto when there are
spoil to be divided, t-'enalur H.xcuti of
Georgia, recently told this story:
"An old negro down my way arose at
prayer meeting ono night and delivered
himself thus: 'Hrcdderln an' slsterin, fso
ln.-cn a mighty mean nigger in my time.
Ise, had er heap er tips an" downs 'se
clally downs senco I Jined dn church. Ise
stole chickens an' watah mlllins. Ise
cussed. Ise got drunk. Ise shot craps. Ise
slashed udder coons wld my nizah, an' Is
dotio er sight er udder things, but, thank
de good Iawd, hrcdderln an slsterin, Ise
nebbrr yet los' my religion.' "New York
General P. 8. Hodge sat In the lobby of
the Grand hotel of New York. "As a rule,"
lie said, "I don't bellevo In omens. Once,
at a wedding, though, I beard a sentence
that I considered ominous Indued a sen
tence, pregnant with prophetic meaning.
"This sentence. Just before the ceremony
began, was directed In a stern voice by
tho officiating clergymun to tho mothej of
the bride. It was:
"'Step a little farther back, madam.' "-
New York Herald.
Sir Oman Poyle rec.oiitly told a story of
an lOngllsh otlleer who was lmdly wounded
In South Africa and the military surgeon
had to shnve off th.U portion of his brains
which protruded from Ids skull. Tho
officer got well, and later on In Ijntidoti
thn surgeon asked whether ho know that
a portion of his bruins win In a glus bottla
In a laboratory, "oh, that does not mutter
now," icpUi d the soldier, "1'vn got a er
manent position in the War otfleo."
Cjrus Townsond lirady, whan In the
west as a young clergymun, met a negnt
Methodist circuit preucher whose dish let
also coven d a vust expanse of territory,
ami who. In consequence, was ablo to uso
a sermon a long lime, so many different
communities did he visit on hia rounda He
had gone about three-fourths of the way
'round on one occasion when, coming front
his church after the service, ho encoun
tered nn old in gro, who, hat In hand, ap
proached and said:
"Pat's mighty fine sermon, sah, oil
yob's. Ah likes It ebrry time Ah hear I
It. Hm ma we cross each other's tract
putty ( f'n, sah, fo' today makes the sev
enth bles t lime Ahse heard yo' preach It.
Ah'm a bit uv u pnaeher myse'f, sah; tin'
Ah wants ter suy dat when yo' gits flu
wid dat sermon, All's ready ter buy it, sah.
Ought ter Inst a long lime yet, sah; It urn
such gfiod slutT. 'Heed, ah, Ahse willln'
ter gll yo' fo' bits now, Jos' to bin' tl
balig'ln, sah." New York Times,
Would DlNplace n Slur.
rtoprcsentaiivo Charles 1'". Landis, of In
diana, one ovinlng sought rest at a rural
Inn, tho proprietor of which was opposed
to him politically. While, seated on the
veranda a st ir fell and elicited from the
landlord's wife the comment, "Another eoul
lias gone to heaven."
"Madam." usihed thn statesmen good na
turedly, "will a star fall at my death, und
Indicate that I, too. have .t.no to heaven?"
"Mr. Iir.dis," raid the woman, lm.uc.htlly,
"to make room for such u big man us you
tit heaven a star must fall."
It Vi'ua Mure Core,
"There Is no excuse for Illegible hand
writing," said Miss Jeanetlo li. Gilder, idl
tor and critic "A tyiwwrltir Is one cure
for Illegibility ; euro is another cure, and a
third euro baa been devised by a friend,
"My friend writes well enough herself;
She applied the cure to a certain Woman
who writes miserably. This woman bad
bothered her with a number of iih Ihla
notes, and finally, when one came that will
unusually hard to read, my friend sat down
and wrote in answer to it:
" '' t il o great pie: si rr In accepting your
kind Invitation to dinner tomorrow evening
This brought a quick call on tho tele
phono. " 'My note nsked you to subscriho to our
freo lee fund,' the woman said. 'It was not
a dinner Invitation.'
" 'You write so badly,' said my friend.
" 'Oh, I'll be very much more careful la
the future,' said the woman.
"And since that time, I understand, her
writing has been legible enough." NvM
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