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TTIE BEE: OMAHA, FRIDAY, MAY 27, 1010.
'Hie Omaha Daily Kee FOUNDED DT EDWARD ROBE WATER. VICTOR UdSKWATEO, EDITOR. Entered at Oman postotDoa III second claaa matter. . , Dally Ilea (including Sunday), per week. IE0 IOC -anjr ! (without Sunday), per wm..i JnilX Uee (without Sunday), one yar..4 w ' UUU DUUUaXt V!, JO... .. - LttXlVKREJU UT CAREIliH. Kvenlng Ilea (without Hundax. per week 1'n.nlt.a 1 I . .. . . w nA wAK . o-r 100 fcunday Jiee. one year 4 z baturuay Uee, one year V 1 Addreaa all complaint of Irregularities delivery to Cllv C'lrf .iLHnn DauartOltnt. l.bO in OFFICES. Omaha Tha Cea Building. fouth Omaha Twenty-fourth and N. Council Bluffa It bcott Btrest. Lincoln M Little Building. Chicago IMS Marquette BuiMlng. New York Hoomi 11UI-U02 No. 84 West Thirty-third street ... , Washington 7 Fourteenth Street, N. W. CORRESPONDENCE. Communications relating to news ana editorial matter should be addreesed: Omaha Bee, Editorial Department. REMITTANCES. Remit by draft, ezpreia or postal order payable to The Bee Publishing Company. Only 1-cent atamps roceived In payment of mall account. Persona checks, eioept on Omaha or eastern exchange, not accepted. STATEMENT or CIRCULATION. 6tate of Nebraska. Douglas County, ' Oeorge B. Traohurk. treasurer of The Bee Publishing Company, being duly sworn, says that the actual number of full and complete copies of The Dally. Morning, Evening and flunrfar Bee printed during the month of April. 1910, wag as follows: 1 40,800 It 41,730 t .....,10 IT... 4300 t .....42,100 II 43,340 4 44,400 It.... 49,680 43,770 10 43,560 43,640 XI.. 48.460 f..A .43.S30 IS 43,030 t ,....43 090 tl 43,100 43.060 14 41,400 10 (MH St 43,840 11 43,840 St 43,830 IS 43,060 17 43,000 It 43,600 18 4B.6M 14 43,680 SI ,...48,760 II. 43,700 It 43,370 Total 184,640 Returned copies 10,421 Net tout.." .... ...W74.UI Daily average ; 48,470 UEOUUH3 B. TZSCHUCK. Treasurer. Subscribed In my presence and sworn to before me tils 2d day of May. 1910. M. P. WALKER, Notary Publla, S subscribers leaving the city teas porarlly should have The Dee mailed to them. Addressee will bo ckssgtd aa oftea, as reaoested. Yes, it is a sweet mess the Sugar trust is in. The aeroplane hat will always be expected to come high. The man who fasted two months to cure catarrh has cured It, but he died in the act. . They've come back! Who's come back? Omaha's trade boosters have come back. Uncle Sam has ordered a laundry for hla bank notes, which suggests a pressing need. It goes , wljhout proof that Caruso can reach he high notes when he gets 1200,000 for singing one season. Jeffries, with bolls all over him, they say, is grouchy. In the name of Job, what do you expect of a man? Even yet It requires a strained con atructlon of the weather man's sen' tences to justify the wearing of a straw hat.. The Washington Herald insists that gas legislation Is needed. Speak to Mr. Tillman it he has sufficiently re covered. " . The Milwaukee man who went home and told hla wife he had seen two comets onjy made his case all the more difficult to plead. Etld the. census man miss you? Do you know of anyone whom the census man has missed. If so, speak up at onco before it is too late. It has been discovered that the big fortune left by an Ohio woman to a church consists entirely of debts. She must have been a backslider. Cleveland's "Golden Rule" chief of police, suspended under charges, de dares he will fight back and get even That's the golden rule, all right. Tho clergy's protest to the big fight reminds us that Mr. Jeffries' father, himself, is a minister, but up to date ho has not joined the Protestants. A cask of wine per annum is the salary of Poet Laureate Austin. If he drinks as excessively as he is paid Eng land may some day have to get an other royal poet. Rumors of graft, a contemporary tells us, are now current in Indiana Oh, perish the thought! As William Tell would Bay, "And have they netted my young fledgling, too." A western Pennsylvania man is run ntng for congress because, he admits he needs the money, which shows him to be much more candid than those wtio have had more experience. The South Omaha cut-rate insur ance man who bid low for under writ lng the Omaha city hall is to be let off and get his forfeited check back by paying the cost of re-advertising. Oh how easy! In spite of the desperate efforts of Lincoln's mayor to prejudice them the Nebraska Press association de cided practically unanimously to meet next time in Omaha. Some knocks are booBts. Now tho insurgents accuse "Uncle Joe" of preaching to them. It is safo venture, though, that they do not Bit in the Amen corner to hear the ser mon, or fall down at the mourner's be neb when it is over, .. . r Reconstructing the Commiiiion. The demand for the reconstruction of tha Interstate Commerce commls alon ao us to provldo for subcommls alons for Jurisdiction In their respect ive districts, voiced by Senator La Fol- ette In hla speech on the railroad bill, presents an Idea which has been re peatedly advanced by The Dee, and which we believe will be the eventual organization of the commission If It is to be made equal to the requirements. The Interstate Commerce commission is today in its composition and consti tution practically the same as when originally created In 1887, nearly twenty-five years ago, although In that time the business of the country has grown tremendously, and the varied relations between shippers and carriers many times multiplied. An nterstate Commerce commission con sisting of Beven members, with head quarters at Washington, cannot pos sibly exercise adequate supervision over the railroads of a country as vast as ourg serving 90,000,000 people. Practical railroad men have divided the country for their own purposes into traffic divisions along the lines of physical geography, and these di visions, which are the natural ones for operation, would ordinarily be best suited to government regulation and supervision. If the country were similarly districted and provided with a subordinate railway commission for each district, with appeal under limi tations to a central commission, some thing like our federal circuit court3 and supremo court, the complaints arising under the interstate commerce law would have much more prompt and effective consideration, whereas now tho filing of a complaint at Wash ington and waiting its turn for weeks and months makes real redress of grievances almost impossible. This reconstruction of the Inter state Commerce commission may not come right away, but it is sure to materialize in due course of time, and may coma faster than any one expects. Away with Provincialism. , Speaking of the general prosperity existing in the United States, an east ern paper lays down the excellent pre cept that this country is too big and too great for provincialism in popula tion or centralization In business and admits that "we New Yorkers do not know our Oklahoma, our Oregon, our Nebraska, our Virginia, our Illinois and so forth as they know us," add ing: "Speed the day when every in telligent provincial with something to tell and something worth saying will be welcomed to 'go Into big type' in. the big cities and when every 'city chap' similarly equipped may be sure of a hearing in the 'provincial' press." The inspiration of this advice and logic is sound, but It rests upon the mistaken notion that the country out side of r New York . constitutes the provinces. New York, "wrapt in the so4ltude of its own originality," strikes most observers as the most provincial thing in the United States. The aver age New Yorker has only the vaguest kind of notion about the west and its resources. He does not even realize that the west, beside feeding the east, is also furnishing it with many of its foremost .men, in the big channels of business and professional life. This air of self-content, which is only just now beginning to be penetrated by the rays of practical information, has been a deterrent factor in bringing about a more healthful relation be tween the east and the west, or, as the paper quoted chooses to put it, be tween the city and country. By all means let this relation be strengthened, for it Is essential 'to a better social condition as well as to permanent business prosperity. It is reassuring to note the changing senti ment in the east and to find, too, that cognizance Is being taken of the value of such a change of sentiment. The Ideal Juror. The other day a man was admitted to a jury in a North Dakota court who declared he could not tell who was president of the United States and never knew such a man as William H. Taft, "kinder b'lleved I'd heerd,tell o Roosevelt, but forget what 'twas I heerd 'bout him," never read newspa pers and "didn't know nothing 'bout the case at hand." The talesman was accepted and by the attorney for the defense declared to be "an Ideal Juror." The Judge re marked "he at least knows nothing of the case," but the judge gave the Impression of entertaining other views of his fitness to pass 'upon the guilt or innocence of a.fellowman charged with the commission of a crime. Such individuals as this can only oc casionally be found in this country, but lawyers are too prone to scour whole counties for them. By tho sys tem of examination pursued by some attorneys it is evident that they want Just such jurors. But it is a wrong and pernicious system that places a premium on ignorance for so sacred and solemn a service as deciding an Issue, civil or criminal, at law. It is a perversion of the principle of law and jurisprudence to act on tho theory that intelligence is not desired or de sirable in jurors. The law contem plates an average amount of Intelli gence In a Juror and the lawyer who prefers under-standard Jurors trans cends on of the fundamental tenets of law. The Ideal juror Is not the Igno ramus, but the man of common sense and experience in actual life, broad enough to be fair and unbiased by what he knows. Such a man, indeed, might know something about the case he is to try and still be eminently qualified to sit as a juror. Certainly In this day of the free public school and general newspaper circulation it supplies the basis of reasonable doubt when a venireman admits that he has not read anything of a case that has figured . prominently in the public prints. Hurrah for Sulzer! The house of representatives was given a touch of the real, old, slmon-pure-lS96-Blxteen-to-one democraoy the . other day by the Honorable Wil liam Sulzer of New York in a speech with which Bryan's "cross-of-gold-and-crown-of-thorns" simply Is not to be compared. Tho speech was on the subject of "Democracy," or "How the Republican Party Has Failed to Keep the Faith." To democracy he ascribed all the virtues and to republicanism all the vices since the signing of the Declaration of Independence. x In one sentence of thirty-five lines in the Congressional Record he has told "What true democracy Btands for," and the category contained every grace and virtue of a free and great nation. Then, dead spent from this three-quarter stretch, he comes down to the last lap of his fervid peroration with this: I have no fears of democracy. The dem ocratic party will never die until the pil lars of the republic totter and crumble and liberty Is no more. Its future Is as seours aa Its past is glorious, and Its ultl mato success In the struggle of equal rights to all will be the crowning triumph of the progress of the race and the bright est page in the annals of human destiny. It will live because it has a mission a mis sion that can never die the true mission of democracy to make mankind brothers and all the world free. Nor need the republicans, either, have any fears of democracy if its "future is as secure as its past is glori ous" and no more bo. If the house cheered at the conclu sion the Congressional Record de parted from its custom and failed to mention it. If it did not cheer it was probably to avoid laughing. One of the things democracy Btands for, Mr. Sulzer said, is postal savings, although the democrats In the senate recently threw all the votes they had against postal savings. Another thing democracy stands for is "personal rights and individual liberty and no sumptuary laws," although the thrice chosen leader of the party and the gilded-tongue prophet of democracy was at that verjr time hiring a hall in his own state to advocate sumptuary laws. For "sounding brass and tinkling cymbals" Mr. Sulzer's speech is the greatest thing that has happened since the days of the sacred ratio. It will surely make Mr. Bryan green with envy. New York's Inebriate Farm. The New York legislature has en acted a law creating an Inebriate farm for the dipsomaniacs of New York City, and in accepting the measure Mayor Gaynor says he leaves it to the Board of Estimates to say whether the city shall agree to the heavy expend! ture necessary to carry out its pro visions, as he Is not much impressed with Its efficacy. But the mayor ac knowledges that good mep and women are back of the law, which may con tain some practical advantages. . For himself he believes it can do no more than "furnish a humane and rational manner of restraining and treating In ebriates." This law provides terms of from one to three years in thlrfarm for habitual drunkards, contemplating . a cure by the end of that period. It seems to have been devised, not with any thought, of enforcing prohibition or to tal abstinence, but as a moans of cur tailing excessive drinking with its ac companylng disorder and neglect of obligations and will undoubtedly be watched with general interest because of its novelty. , Opinion in New York differs as to the wisdom of the law. Its friends believe it to be a great improvement over the old system of hauling drunk men into police court, fining them and turning them loose to repeat their act, while Mayor Gaynor ,and others take the view that, it cannot accomplish any permanent good and even involves so much doubt of its efficacy as to make the matter of appropriating money to carry it out questionable. Possibly Nebraska's experience with its dipso maniac law might throw some light on the subject. Drunkenness is less common in this country than it was some years ago and with all due credit to the religious and reform forces it must be admitted that Its. decline Is, due In a large meas ure to advanced methods of Industry requiring the clearest brains and most alert mlnds.v Reform wrought through such substantial Influences as these possesses a degree of durability that cannot be questioned. Did you observe the name of Colonel "Charley" Fanning In tho list of mili tary attaches who put up for the silver "wedding anniversary present to Gov ernor Shallenberger? Is this an effort on the part of the doughty Dahlmanite to square himself for bis noisy threat to resign when the lid law was signed, which threat he never made good? Or is it a try at riding two political horses at the same time? Physical valuation of the South Omaha stock yards plant, completed under direction of the State Railway commission, fixes the value at $1,725, 000, while the stock yards' company put it in at $2,591,000. Which goes for assessment and taxation purposes? The popular feel will be on the side of holding the fight, but it must dis gust rrost people asked to put up good money at the box office to hear public officials assert that this knock-down-, and-drag-out is merely a contest." "boxing Senator Burkett has secured a favorable report from tho committee on agriculture on his bill to establish a school of forestry at Nebraska City to train men for the federal forestry service. It would be a fine thing for Nebraska to secure such a school, if it is to be established, and Nebraska City, with Arbor Lodge, the homo of a former secretary of agriculture, has special claims to consideration. Such a school maintained by the federal government would . attract students from all over the country, and possi bly from foreign countries, and would be a drawing card of unusual power because of Its unique character. If the First Nebraska district only had a real live republican congressman he might help make this project materi alise by pushing the bill through the house after It passes the senate, which it has fair prospects of doing. It remains to be seen whether ' 3 Elmer Thomas will stick to the man suspected of dynamiting as closely as he has stuck tct the other ex-convicts with whom he has been Intimately as sociated in the cause of moral reform. Senator Elkins says not a member of the senate knows anything about freight rates or their making. And he owns a railroad or two, and Senator Cummins was the general attorney for one a long time, too. A Pertinent Question. Cleveland Plain Dealer. Western railroad men declare that rail roads make no money carrying freight. wnere Oo you get It, gentlemen?" Law for Sky Pilots. New York World. The session of an international congress in Paris to make laws for aerial navigation is a reminder that.no comprehensive and adequate automobile law has yet been adopted. The aerial legislators show a wise forethought in beginning early. Meed leas Worry. Chicago Record-Herald. Members of congress who are nertnrhtwi over the question what the government would do without them, should take cour age. The government was running when they went to the erade iohnni. arA th... are orators in the grade schools now who see where they could keep it going. Shippers Wait o Uo tta.. .... Pittsburg Dispatch. The men who pay the freight are in the Missouri class on the advance in freight rates. Except, of course, the business men whose trade consists of selling materials to the railroads. They are unanimous in tha opinion that there should be no fuss over a little, thlnor lib tuvuvmnnn . - ,...,.vv,vuu, V h BUy more Cost in conducting' business ' Raisin the Wreck. Boston Transcript. It Is reported that when the Maine is raised Spain will start a new court of in quiry with the purpose of establishing the correctness of the Original Spanish expert opinion that the vessel was blown up from the Inside. ' If thir statement of its inten tion is correct Spain rriay have a long time to wait, for our engineers assert that the $100,000 which congress appropriated to lift the wreck from tfte Waters, of Havana harbor is not more than sufficient to build the preliminary coffer dam. MB. TAFT'B LIMITATIONS. Sample Instance of Conarreasmatn Hltcheock'a Hysterica. New York Sun. Mr. Taft has been indicted on two grave counts before the bar of public opinion in one day. Senator . George B. Chamberlain of Oregon charges him with taking the re publican platform seriously. Tha greatest mistake he has made, says the Oregon senator, wagging his head in sage disap probation. "No president ever did that be fore," he adds. Certainly not Mr. Roose velt, whose friends insist that Mr. Taft must model himself on his predecessor pr take the consequences. Good faith is evidently one of Mr. Taft's weaknesses. The second count is that Mr. Taft is drunk with power. In the language of the accuser, Gilbert M. Hitchcock, a represen tative from Nebraska! "Whom the gods would destroy they first make mad.' President Taft apparently Is marked for their wrath. If ever there was a man drunk with power to the point of folly, he is the one. Rather than give up Ballinger he is willing to Involve his administration In every imaginable scandal and resort to every .trick and subterfuge of manipulation. He Is willing to sacrifice any number of good and faithful servants rather than to leave this member of his cabinet to the hands of juotlco." Here again Mr. Taft is untrue to the Rcoteveltlan policy. He is also a martyr to temperament and training. Tho hys terical Hitchcock would have him pre judge the Ballinger case, ignore the rele vant evidence, and cast out the secretary to be dealt with by the mob. No doubt Mr. Hitchcock would be willing to lead the mob. The only defence Uiat can be urged in behalf of tho president Is that he Is afflicted with a Judicial mind. The predecessor was not troubled with one. Neither the law nor the evidence impeded Mm in the dis charge of his duty. With equal facility he was prosecutor, judge, Jury and execu tioner. Mr. Taft knows only how to be judge. . . , Our Birthday Book May 87 1910. Julia Ward Howe, author of the "Battlo Hymn of the Republic," was born May 27, 1S19. Her patriotic poetry and songs enjoyed a large popularity. Charles Francis Adams, author and once president of the Union Paclflo railroad, Is celebrating his eighty-fifth blrthday He was born in Boston, la the son of one presi dent, and grandson of another. Of late years he has been devoting himself to lit erary pursuits. John Kendrlck Bangs, author and humor ist, was born May. 27, 1861, at Tonkers, rJ. Y. He contributes to 4ay magazines, but notably to Harper'. 1 Fred T. DuBols, farmer United States senator from Idaho. Is 13 years old today. He is a native of Illinois, and a lawyer by profession and was one of the leaders of the free silver movement. W. 8. Shoemaker, lawyer and democratic po.lticlan. Is M. Ha was born In Ohio and carries laa Ohio man's hunger for office with him. Ha has been city prosecutor, police judge, aaalatant city attorney and member of the laat legislative delegation from Douglas county to say nothing of Jobs Jut failed to connect with. Washington Life lone rVrrtlnf rfcaeee s OosWUttona Otawved at the Xfa4eaa Capital. "Many a gem of purest ray serene" loses Its luster In the pages of the Congressional Record. Here is one specimen resuced from the avalanche of railroad bill debate: Mr. Brlstow Now, the law forbids the railroads to charge one man a lees rate than another for hauling the same com modity to the same point. Mr. Lodge Precisely. Mr. Brlstow That would be a rebate. Mr. Lodge Precisely. Mr. Brlstow Why should the laws not forbid a railroad to charge one city more than another for the same kind of servicer Mr. Lodge Because a man is not a city. That Is the principal reason. Mr. Brlstow But a city Is an aggrega tion of men, la It notT Mr. Lodge Yes; but an aggregation of men and one individual are two totally different things. Mr. Brlstow They are totally different things, but in the application of this rule what Is the difference? Mr. Lodge The difference is most ob vious to anybody who has undertaken to study railway economies, Mr. Brlstow It may bo very obvious. and I suppose I am dull. I do not see it "Aa old Knute goes, so goes Minnesota." That is the theory on which the great mass of republican voters In Minnesota decide publio questions of moment, ac cording to a member of the house from that state, quoted by the Washington Times. They tell a story In the senate cloak rooms about a campaign orator who was delivering speeches In Minnesota. He mar veled at the hold Nelson had on the people of the state. One day he was discussing the subject with a Norwegian political boss. To his amazement he discovered that the rest of the folks In Washington who were generally supposed to have something to do with shaping the destiny of the na tion were a lot of amateurs when com pared with Nelson. He therefore decided to put the matter to a supreme test. "Knute Nelson," the Norwegian boss had declared "he ban smart feller. 8 mar tea' feller in whole worl'," "Do you think vNelson is aa smart as the Almight?" the campaigner asked. "Wal," answered the Norwegian, scratch ing his head reflectively, "Knute he ban young fellar yet" Chairman Tawney of the house commit tee on appropriations plans to have the air in the legislative halls of congress fresh as the ocean breeses or the stream-cooled atmosphere of a shaded mountain resort. . It was decided by him that he would In sert in the general deficiency appropriation bill an item of $50,000 to equip both cham bers with an .Invention by Dr. Stratton, superintendent of the government bureau of standards, which dries and cools the air by removing all of the humidity. It la not designed to hasten adjournments. Several years ago the. senate chamber was equipped with an apparatus to refrigerate the air. It was never . used, however, be cause some physician reported that such artificially cooled air would be fatal to men of sixty years or more. Wisconsin has gained the honor of fur nishing a $1,000 cow that will produce all the milk and butter that President Taft and his family will use, and Senator Isaac Stephenson of the Badger state Is the donor. Hen.ce the managers of thelattai-s stock farm at Homers, Kenosha country, are in a state of elation and excitement. "Mooley," erstwhile lacteal provider for the White House recently was killed in an accident, and Senator Stephenson has guar anteed a successor, essentially "regular" and devoid of all traces of "Insurgent" or conservation ideas. "Pick, out the beet bred cow in the herd, and the one most satisfactory for all pur poses," was the order of Senator Stephen son to Manager James P. Torrey, and Paul ine Wayne, grandaughter of the great Gertrude Wayne, has been elected to De the official presidential cow, and will be In the pasture near the White House within two months. As cows go, Pauline Wayne is an aristo crat of the first water. She is of the pur est Holsteln blood represented among the herds of the United States. She will be 4 years old in July and her grandmother, Gertrude Wayne, registered as No. 7665, re cently broke all records for 9-year-old cows. ' v Senator Smoot doesn't care a rap whether he has an audience when he addresses the senate or not. He even objects when an associate Insists upon a quorum.' Senator Heyburn of Idaho during the course of the recent Smoot speech on the long and short haul amendment, proposed that the roll be called. ' He wanted more senators to hear the argument being made. "I propose a roll call," said Senator Hey burn. "I want the senate to hear what the senator from Utah la saying. The material he is quoting is too good to be wasted on the desert air." It so happened that not more than one half dozen members of the senate were on the floor at the time. The others had strolled out into the cloak rooms or had gone home. "I beg of the senator from Idaho that he not Insist upon a roll call," replied Sena tor Smoot. "Just let the matter go. AH Interested can read my speech in the Rec ord. I would strongly prefer that I be al lowed to proceed." Senator Carter of Montana has one great legislative hobby. He has a great many legislative Ideas, but only one of them causes him to lie awake at night. Only one pops out In all of the senator's snatches. This is the Idea of reform In the Postofflce department. The Montana senator believes that not only millions, but scores of millions, of dol lars could be saved each year if the Post fflce department of tho Country was put on a solid business baals. "If the Poatoffice department of this government were run as the Pennsylvania railroad Is run It would cost this govern ment Just one-half what It costs now," said Senator Carter in a recent speech. "I maintain that the postofflce system Talks for people There never was a time like the present when an honest merchant can make such strides in the confi dence of his public. There never was a time like the present when the public Is so prone to listen to statements of high quali ties, best values, fair prices, because the trend of public thought Is toward economy. This Is the psychological moment to tell and reiterate quality, value and price. Take your atand fairly and squarely, tell tbe people every day about your la the greatest cash enterprise In this coun try or any other country, of this gnvern ment or any other government, on the faco of the earth. "It now coats the people of the United States $".0,000,000 a year to run its Pot- office department. It should ba run for $125,000,000, or Just one-halt of Its present cost. Its system Is all wrong. Instead of our having tha finest postal system w have the worst In the world, and the cost liest. "It is all because experienced men are not In command. As soon as a postmaster gets familiar with hla work he Is ousted to make room for some one else. It Is the same way through the whole system." PERSONAL NOTES. The astonishing newa cornea from Paris that In a duel Count Ismael de Lessepa was seriously wounded by Count Just de Pol Igny. Mr. Roosevelt's strenuoalty seems to be catching. "Stop our Sunday base ball," say the Pittsburg managers to the churches, "and we will stop your paid Sunday choirs." In timating that It's a poor blue law that won't cover alt trades. Madame Curie, the co-dlsooverer with her husband of radium, has been elected a member of the American Philosophical so ciety. She was the only woman on the list of fifteen members elected. An American girl who referred audibly to a German princess as a frump was ordered to leave the kingdom. The lesson should show her the futility of butting In. It really was no affair of hers If the princess was a frump. A Jamaica, L. I., man claims to be the possessor of a leather beer mug presented to Oliver Cromwell when he was lord pro tector; but unless history does him an In justice there was nothing very attractive about Oliver Cromwell's "mug." Mrs. Mary A. Millbank of Bloomfleld Is the first woman to be elected a school di rector in New Mexloo. Her election is the result of the opinion recently given by At torney General Frank W. Clancy that women were eligible to the office. A Tennessee practical joker, out hunting with a companion, hid himself all but his gray whiskers and made a sound Ilk a squirrel. His companion made a sound like shooting and the joke and joker fell flat. The companion ought at once to be given the job of foolklller. A young man and woman in Philadel phia who recently went through a mock marriage were jolted out of their amusing mood on finding tho ceremony was legal and binding. Aa each was engaged to marry somebody else the complications furnish tears for the principals and fees for the lawyers. MIRTHFUL REMARKS. Patron Waitress, bring; me some straw, berry shortcake, please. Waitress Shortcake's out. sir. Patron When will It be back 7 Cleveland Plain Dealer. His Wife Tou make It a business to pick m k , . n a' a-b. '.r f fnrmtt tnvi.lf Ant uu something ungrampiatioal or mispronounce a word. Prof. McGoozle Make it a business, my dear AlvlraT On the contrary, it is one of my recreations. Chicago Tribune. "I have written a high-brow drama, and It will be easy to stage, too." "As to howf" "Instead of lot of expensive frowns, tho leading lady merely has several changes of "A beauty doctor has to bo a good deal or a philosopher, doean t Tier "Why sor "Because no matter what are his troubles, he has to put a good faoe on the subject.'1 Baltimore American. John V. : Rockefeller,' tho morning of the record breaking collection In Dr. Aked's cnurcn. made a wise ana terse remarK. "What," said a fellow member to Mr, KocKereiir, "is nappinessT "Giving it," replied the multimillionaire. Washington Star. "When you are grown up," queried the visitor, "will you be a doctor, like your father T" "Oh, dear mo, no! Why, I couldn't even kill a rabbit' replied the boy with great iranicneas, Argonaut. The perpetually clever man listened sol emnly to the tramp's hard luck story. "That's the same old yarn you told me last weex, no saia, winning at his com pan Ion. "Maybe It is,"' admitted the weary one as he started on. "I'd forgotten havlnir met you. I was in the penitentiary last ween." success juagncine. "Most modern houses yet built," an nounced the enthusiastic agent. "Elec tricity, cemented yards. Instantaneous water heaters, all the modern, latest, up- to-date Improvements, including padded closets In every room." "Why padded?" asked the prospective ouyer. "So the neighbors can't hear the family skeletons in 'em rattling." Baltimore American. Mabel So you and Jack don't speak. What's the trouble? Majory We had a dreadful quarrel about which loved the other most Boston Tran script. WogBs Yesterday must have been an iin fortunate day up your way. I see' there were tour autos smashed, two trucks over turned, a trolley car derailed and a score of pedestrians hurt BogR-s Yes, confound It, and I told that kid of mine to keep his new veloclntdo off me sireet. i-uck. w THE CHILD'S DREAM. Mrs. Schuyler Van Rensselaer In Harper's Bazar. Last night I was a child that just had learned to die, A child like ma, but newly born 1 Into a beautiful morn Of starry sky. I saw the morning light, Yet there were stars, sliver and golden, softly bright. The stars were there, and music for the shapes, white-clad, Of angels, thousands, stood to sing, All whit of robe and wing. A harp they had, A viol, or golden lute; AH sang, but one; she smiled and held her harp-strings mute. My heart was full of tears; I laughed when 1 knew why: The angel of the whitest wing. She who cared not to sing, Leaned from the sky And smiled, and I could see My mother's lovely eyes, my mother smiled at me. In this our world I never saw my mother's face; She died; she died as I was born. But in that starry morn I found the place Where she abides, and knew They were her eyes, and wept, yet laughed and kissed her too. who sell things store and methods trod what you have to offer them. Let them know that your reputation, Intelligence and judgment are behind every article you sell. They will respond so quickly that you will be surprised. The advertising columns of The Bee will Introduce you to the buying pub lic of 41,000 subscribers. You can talk to 150,000 readers three times a week In a four-Inch space at the cost of about $50 a month. Mr. Merchant, our advertising col umns are open to you. Our help and advice are at your disposal. SPEHTA FORTUNE ON SKIN TROUBLE But tost All Hope of Cure Grew Worse and Worse in Spite of Many Doctors and Three Years of Hos pital Treatment Inflammation Made Her Almost Crazy with Pain. CURED BY TWO SETS . OF CUTICURA REMEDIES MI began to have an Itching over an? whole body about seven years ago anil this settled In my limb, from the knee to the toes. I went to tee a great many physicians, a matter which cost me a ' fortune, and after I noticed that I did not get any relief that war, I went for three) years to the hospital. But ther were unable to help ma there. I used all the medicines that I could see but became worse) and worio. I had an in flammation which made sue almost crazy with pain. When I showed ray foot to my friends they would get really fright ened. I did not know what to do. I wai so sick and had become ao nervous that I positively lost all hop. "I had seen tha advertisement of tno Cutioura Remedies a great many time but could not make up ray mind to buy them, for I bad already used so many medicines. Finally I did decid to .us the Cuticura Remedies and I tell you that I was never to pleased aa when I noticed that, after having used two set of Cutioura Soap, Cuticura Ointment and Cuticura Pills, tha entire Inflamma tion had gone. I was completely cured. 1 should be only too glad if people) with a similar disease would come to me and And out the truth. I would only recommend them to use Cutioura. Mrs. Bertha Sachs, 1021 Second Ave., New York, N. Y., Aug. 20, 1909." "Mrs. Bertha Sacha ts my alstnr-ln law and I know well how she suffered and was cured by the Cutioura Remedies after many other treatments failed. Morris Sachs, 821 E. 89th St., New York, N. 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