Newspaper Page Text
THE SEMI-MONTHLY MAGAZINE SECTION
7 FRESH FINDINGS FROM MARK TmiN Author of Mark Twaini A Biography Uhutnttana Jfcr HORACE TAYLOR jnY permission of Harper and Brothers, the jf authorized biographer of Mark Twain contrib- utes to THE SEMI-MONTHLY MAGAZINE SECTION the following pergonal reminiscences and inccdotes gathered daring hit long and Intimate association with the great humorist, selected from the recently published life of Mark Twain. MIS IIOKTLY boforo Christmas at the Players' Olub in New York, n mem bor named Scott said one day: ''Mr. Clemens, you liavo nn extra overcoat linn'niK in tin) coatroom. 1 'vu Kot to attend my unelo's funoral, a n d it 's ruining very h a r d. 1 t liko to wear it." Tlio coat was nn old one, in the pockets of which Clemens kept n melancholy as sortment of pipes, soiled handkerchiefs, neckties, letters mid what not. "Scott," ho said, "if you won't loso anything out of tho pockets of that coat you may wear it." An hour or tuo later, Clemens found n notico in his mail-box that n packago for him was in tho oflicc. Ho called for it and found a neat bundle, which somehow had n Christmas look. Ho carried it up to tho reading-room with a showy nir. "Now, boys," ho said, "you may mako all tho fun of Christmas you like, but it 'h protty nice, after all, to lw remembered." They gathered around and ho undid tho package. It wns fdled with the pipes, soiled linndkerchiefs nnd other articles from tho old overcoat. Scott had taken extra precautions against losing them. Mark Twain regarded them a moment in silence, then ho drawled: "Woll, d n Scott. 1 hope his un- clo's funeral will lo n failure! " OING down in tho ho tel elevator, on his last visit to Chicago, a m n n stepped in from ono of tho floors swearing vio lently. Twain, lean ing over to a friend w h o accompanied Kim, with his hand to his mouth nnd in a whisper audiblo to every one, said: "Bishop of Chi cago. ' ' Q'NE day in Hartford n drop-letter camo to tho Clemens homo nsking tho hu morist to lecturo for n church debt. Ho began to rngo over tho exceedingly cool wording of tho request, when Mrs. Clem ens said: "I think I know that church, and, if so, this preacher is a colored man; ho doesn't know how to writo a polished letter. How should he f" Twain's manner changed 60 suddenly and so radically that Mrs. Clemens said: "I will givo you n motto, nnd it will Imi useful to you if you will adopt it: 'Consider every man colored till ho is proved white.' " Recounting tho incident, Mark com mented laconically: "It is dorn good, I think." PATRICK camo to us thirty-six years ago. Ho was our coachman from tho day that I drove my young brldo to our new home. Ho wns a young Irishman, slender, tall, lithe, honest, truthful, nnd ho never chnnged in all his life. Ho really was with us but twenty -five years, for he did not go with us to Europe; but he never regarded that ns a separation. Ho wns with us in New Hampshire last summer, nnd his hair was just as black, his eyes were just as blue, his form just ns straight nnd his heart just ns good as on tho day wo first met. In nil tho long years, Patrick never made a mistake. He lieu-r needed an order; ho never re ceived a command. Ho know. I have been nsked for my idea of an ideal gen tleman, nnd I givo it to you Patrick MeAleer." HPWAIN onco wrote a friend npropos of somo adverso expression with regnrd to a high protective tnriu": "Thank you for any hard word you can say about the tariff. I guess the government that robs its own people earns the luturo it is pre paring for itself." MON(l t h e m a n y books Mark Twain projected, but never carried to conclusion, w a s a burlesque manual of etiquette, of which nro these unpublished frag ments: At Billiards. If your ball glides along in tho intenso and imincdinto vi cinity of tho object ball, and a count seems exquisitely imminent, lift ono leg; then ono shoulder; then squirm your body nround in sym pathy with tho direction of tho mov ing ball; and at the instant when the balls seem on the point of colliding throw up both your nrms violently. Your euo will probably break a chandelier, but no mntter; you have done what you could to help tho count. At the Dog-Fight. If it occurs in your block, cour teously givo way to strangers do siring a view, particularly ladies. Avoid showing partiality toward ono dog. However, let your secret sympa thies and your compassion bo always with tho under dog in tho tight this is magnanimity; but bet on tho other ono this is business. At rolcr. If you draw to n flush nnd fail to fill, do not contjnuo tho conflict. Jf you hold n pair of trays, and your opponent is blind, nnd it costs you fifty to seo him, let him remain un perceived. If you hold nothing but ono nco high, and by somo menus you know that tho other man holds tho rest of tho nces, and ho calls, excuse your self. Let him call ngain nnother time. Wall Street. If you livo in tho country, buy nt 80, Bell nt 40. Avoid all forms of eccentricity. In the Restaurant. When you wish to get the wniter'B nttcntion, do not sing out "Say!" Simply say "Szt! " QNCK when conundrums were being asked nt rt party Mark was urged to make one. "Well," he said, "Why am I liko the Pacific Ocean?" Several guesses were mude, but none satisfied him. Finally all gavo it up. "Tell us, Mark, why arc you like the Pacific Ocean f" " I do n 't know, ' ' ho drawled. ' ' I was just asking for information." "WHEN angry count four, nnd when very angry BTvear. " "TTAN was made at the end of tho Ail week's work when tho Creator was getting tired." Are You Interested in Yourself? Where's tho man who won't say that ho U7 Wlioro's tho man who Is free to admit that perhaps after nil he's Ills own worst enemy nnd millstone? Tew will, It Is true. Yet there nro thousand of thcml Anil, usually, thc men uro tho hardest to convluco that they're on tho wronir track. Ifyou are on tho wronir track, thcre'sn switch open to you rlirlit now that'll actually jnildo you Into tho right way. 1 f you nro ambitious to ram an Income, of 1,000 to $3,000 a year and bo absolutely free and you rown boss you nwo It to yourself to at least inTettitate Hits Wnuchuln, r lorlda, offer wo nro now mnkliur. Wauchula, Florida, Is God's country I I t'sn place whore yourpretent effort and capital will actually brliu; 111 ten tlraei as many dollars. It Is o siot In this wonderful, semi-tropical country where men Just like you have come to and made coodl It Is a country whom you are not crowded out, pushed nsldo orhaunicrcd for tlm lack of opportunity. Wauchnla. Florida, Is nn Ideal spot In nn Ideal mouey-maklnirhtnto; n placo where tlm combina tion soil, tho ullmatn nnd the yield of earden truck and citrus fruits nro all nltovo criticism; clgnntto croiw of vegetables keep you the first four years, then liouutlful yields of uttldcu Grapo Fruit nnd Fnnious Florida Ornnires come and you're Independent ! Wnuchuln, Florida. Is n live little town of 1,500. Four banks, with nearly KOO.OOO.W deimslts ludlcnte the pros perity of theso jrrovo owners. Churches, nn uiMo-dato school system, lodecs, wcll-euulpped and modern stores, nil these mako It easily possible to live nnd enjoy ono's self In Wnuchuln. There nro first-class transportation facilities, a llvocash market, ready to take all your vciro tnbles nnd citrus fruits nnd conircnlnl lieoplfl nt Wnu chuln. Good water, jrood drainage, a healthful climate (no malaria here, rememlierl) nnd tho best of Florida soil (wo can prove It) mako this stmt tho safest Inud Invest ment you can no in to. Wauchula, Florida 1 Backed and Guaranteed - Bv Florida Jh? Bankers OlirTwntiiwip 1a President of tho li'lnHiln fUfniD - - ij . - lllPllllPl- fir llln mmtinntf la fltintmlntli c.t.tid I ..,. H.I. TLrwo limit - - - . -1 ivj.'v uunnuo UEr r- wtcsuiiiiwiilfUUUUji J till J1UVO U 7 - I ,u HuyitiU JUUI 1U1II1 milt 111 fin.n ., '..i I, .if un.li llml ... ..... jum "u. DuuoiRi, juiurii your ..iv... mm mu iuu bia iK-rui'iii. interest on miu.uuiivj JUU u inuu nil VJUUllIIIIt lLbaiO QS a -w........,viit, ijuui nutuuuu una oiuy oecnuso wo know that when you como Into tho l'eaco ltlver alley where Wnuchuln Is located you will bo eon. rlnced pf what wo say and want tohavo at loast ten acres of tins remarkablolnnd foryourown, I.10,1.11!0 l)elow allows bean Held bcloiitfmr to Mr. I'. 11. Halney.our postmaster nt Wnuchuln. This Held coiitalns only 4H acres and last ffprinir produced a rrrosslncomo of $1,760 with a total expenio of KOO maklnir fl,4M net or nn avcraco of fh22.22 per ncre Jinny other successes Just liko this. Wo hnvo hun dreds of lliio photographs nnd all Information about many of these, truck farms and Grnpa Fruit Groves around auchuln. Get the actual facts nnd fls-uros. Let us show YOU how ensy It Is to make eood nt Wnu cliuln, Horida. Wo'rowlllliur to 1'ltOVK every clnira wo mako. Write us today. Get our handsome, Illus trated book and Danker' Guarantee. All mailed Freo to i you-postpco prepaid. Here's a clinnco to prore whether you'ro Interested In yourself or not. Xet's talk It over. WAUCHULA DEVELOPMENT CO. Box 305, Wauchula, Florida . -mr r- - - He loiet both hU liunlnras and nilrertl.lue appropriation, who fail tu make g-ood.