SHORT ESSAYS ON MAN,
HY A. \V. BKLT-A.W.
Tou'U find it
where 'or you go,
That men, the most discreet,
CDeKiro to have ft level head—
But don't want level foot,
Alphonso into ruptures fell
And. on licr chin, ho praised the dimple
Ho did not know, she would not tell
It was tho dent of a hit.- pimple.
Ill Btroots remote where thiovos do Bnatch,
We're bidden to keep guard and watch
But there tho traveler finds it hard
Sometimes to keop both watch aud guard.
The Rteak was tough aa royal oak.
To »aw or cut it wars no joke,
"Hoaveu hies* our daily bread." he roared,
"but Heaven help our daily board 1"
A flkotcb wo 900 quite lately written,
"How to genteelly givo tbe mitten,"
What most wo need to know in, really,
How to accept the mifc genteelly.
"My flon take off your coat straightway
Till eight you said you'd only stay."
"Well, don't go on nt such a rate,
that's what I did, I staid till late."
Detroit Free Press.
A LOVER'S EXPERIENCE.
BV V.'M. E. IIOTCE.
John, you and I have been fast
friends for somo five yeai*3, and yet I
never can understand you.
Often I hear you muttering in your
sleep, and several times I Lave heard
vou say: "O Mattie, Mattie, must I
lose ,vou forever?"
Now, old boy, I should judge a
Mattie has had something to do with
that troubled look of yours. Am I
"Well, Charley, you .seem to have
tho keynote to my misery, so I will tell
you of all mv trouble although you
are the first person whom I have ever
met to whom I would be willing to con
fide. I believe we both engaged
with the firm of Miller Bros. & Co.
the same week. Yon came from K—
west, and I came from cast.
Meeting strangers, we soon beeame
friends and I hope we may always re
main the same.
"Many and many a time I have
wLshod to tell you all, but you never
before asked me. Now, being as you
have, I will unburden my heart to you.
and perhaps you can advise me.
"Eight years ago this month, not being
iu good health, I thought to visit some
summer resort to recuperate, but while
my body was beiug made strong my
heart and mind lost their usual
•"Yes, Mattie it is who has caused me
•BO much trouble aud so many sleepless
nights and I have tried, O so hard, to
forget her poor girl, or woman rather,
'her life must be miserable. But she
•was not to blame.
'"After I had been at S about
two weeks I was one day taking exer
cise in a boat, all alone aud as it was
•an unusually pleasant August afternoon
went farther out than usual along
v':-out 4 o'clock I noticed a boat to my
right containing four persons, pulling
toward me, and as they came near 1
recognized a Mr. Kenolds, an old
chum of my school-days. As they came
alongside he greeted me, and made
KUO acquainted with his three lady
companions, to one of whom I took a
peculiar liking aud on my lonely trip
•home that evening I vowed that should
be my last trip alone.
"In a few days, meeting Kenolds, I
carelessly inquired who the young lady
was, as I had forgotten her name, and
ho told me it was aMiss Mattie
a very fine young lady of Portland, and
he also said she had returned to her
"It is needless to say I. was sorely dis-!
appointed in fact-1 loved her from the
instant our eyes met.
'Is she likely to return this season?'
"'No, I think not," replied lie, 'as her
parents are not very well off, and can
not afford to let her remain here long.'
"I went to my room that evening with
a. heavy heart, and while I remained
there my life was more miserable than
it was ever before, but leaving there
did not ease me. I worried constantly.
"Thf!lext season I went there again,
but she did nor come.
"And the next seasou I went again
just before I came here, in the vain
hope of mooting her. I could not af
ford it, but I went..
"Joy to my aching heart! the first per
son I met was Mattie and, strange
to say, we recognized each the moment
we met and straugev still, we met as
if we had been old friends.
'O, can any one imagine the burden
lifted from my heart as her band
touched mine. I invited her to walk
to the hotel with me, au invitation she
blushingly accepted, Before we parted
it was agreeably settled Ave should go
boating after dinner, which we did, aud
I look back on part of that evening as
tho happiest of my life, and part as the
"I poured my soul out to her,and asked
Iter to be mine. But when I hau
ft.iii.shed, Charley, imagine my feelings,
if you can.
"She looked at me with tears gush
ing from her eyes and said: 'Forgive
me, dear sir, but I am alrerulv married.'
"For an instant, heaveu fordid, I was
tempted to take both our lives, but my
better nature overcame the
and our return to shore was in silence,
except her bitter soli
"As I took her hand to assist, her land
tug nil my hatred turned to pity, and I
humbly begged for forgiveness.
'Friend.' replied she, 'It is 1 who
should ask forgiveness. I should have
fcoid you all before, but I could not,
wo were such strangers. Xt has all
been -so sudden. I am not married yet,
lull just as good. God grant I may
havo strength to fulfill my promise."
"What could 1 say? what could I do?
Must I give up hope, yes, my very life?
"No. 1 could not no 1 would uot. I
nii'ist know all.
"Placing her arm in mine, we started
for the hotel, some three-quarters of a
mile distant. In silence we walked
along until we came to the park. Here
I made a bold effort to control myself,
aud asked her to take a seat and tell
me all, but sho hesitated, then said:
'It is due you, and I will, but remem
ber, there's to be no argument.
I have given my promise, and for ray
parents' sake I must fulfill it, al
though it may take my life.
'My father is in the sliip-building
business at Portland, and somehow or
other has been losing money for three
or four years.
'About ten months ago he had a large
vessel about half completed, when he
found himself short of money. What
was to be done? We contrived every
means, and svt last father went to his
book-keeper for help, as he had plenty
'After showing father his standing
he said he would think about lending
him the money. At the same time he
said if the vessel could be completed
he would come out all right. It was
agreed he should come to our house
that evening and make arrangements
for the loan. Now I wish you to know
the same gentleman had been calling
upon me, and had proposed, but as I
did not love him, I refused his offer.
'When he called that evening he told
my father he could have the money on
one condition, and that was I should
promise to marry him.
'Father was almost struck dumb,but
not knowing of his being rejected by
me. I was sent for and made acquainted
with his proposition. My father about
to be ruined, and I could save him!
But how? By marrying a man I did
'How could I I asked for one day
to decide, but his book-keeper Baid one
day would ruin my father. I had no
time to think of myself, but thought
only of my father and ruin. In a
moment I had given my promise.
'So now, my friend, for I hope yon
will remain so, you know all: and I
humbly ask your forgiveness for even
recognizing you when we met.
'I know from the first moment we
met you loved me, and, (rod forgive
me, I returned it. Now let us part
friends, and never more meet again. I
go to a life of misery, but you try to
forget me, aud perhaps you may once
more be happy in some true woman's
"With this sad story finished she arose
and prepared to go. What could I say
There was no chance for argument-. We
walked to the hotel in sileuce, and I
bid her good-bye—forever.
"My life was blighted, and is so long
as time lasts. Next morning I left, and
soon after came here. Now. my friend,
cau you blame me
"No, indeed, I cannot, but so far as
advice goes I believe I can advise.
Have you ever heard whether they
were married or not?"
"No I never dared trust myself with
inquiry. I have only tried to forget
but these long eight years have made
no change my love to-day is as intense
as it was the evening we parted."
I did not venture to say more, but
made up my mind to learn if possible
whether or not Mattie was married
wrony scarcely ever wins thought I.
Next morning John was summoned to
tho general manager's office, and that
cveuing he told me he was to start for
Portland at 1 the next morning to at
tend to some-collecting for the tirm.
In about a week he returned, aud I
will tell you his story, as he told it to
On arriving at our room the evening
alter his return I found John busily en
gaged in packing his trunk.
hat sup, old boy?" I asked, sur
prised: but one look at his radiant face
told me all. .Such a joyous look I never
"What up," said he, jumping up
and clasping mhand, "everthing.
everything take a seat, and light this
cigar. Now, by Jove, are you comfort
ably settled if so, I will' tell you all.
St. Andrews, don 1 look happy, and
Lord, ain't 1
too happy to live
Say, Charley, you must puck up your
duds and go along with me."
"Oh, no, you don't say but st'op now,
get to business, and tell me all."
"l'ou say no? Well, but old boy it
has got to be yes to-morrow noon we
"But hold on here now tell me
what's up," replied I, "and don't run
on in that manner one would think you
was an escaped lunat ic."
"Well, I will yes, I will, but—well
I will be-doggone if I can, but I will try.
Vou know I went to Portland to attend
to some collecting well that was soon
done and, as I hail an hour or two be
fore train time I strolled down to the
shipyard and the very first thing that
met my eve was a large vessel named
•The Mattie and by Jove, it was
newly painted. What could it moan?
But I did not take long to think. In a
minute I was asking the foreman Mr.
's place of business.
"Arriv:ng at his o.'lice I met an elderly
genilemau just about, to leave. 1 asked
for Mr. and the gentleman said,
'I guess I am the man you are looking
"Handing him my card, I asked him if
there was anything I could do for him
to-day. He road, then reread my
card for an iustaut he looked at me,
'Your name is John So-and-so,is it?'
'Yes sir,' I replied.
'Well, sir, I have advertised for a
gentleman by that name for about
seven years. Have you ever met a
lady at S the famous watering
place, by the name of Mattie V—
'Yes, sir, I have mother twice once
iu 1S7—, and two years later.'
"'You are the man come with me.
You are to dine at my house to-day.'
"I thought no more about my train,
nor did I ask him about Mattie. At
his office door his carriage was in read
iness. and we soon arrived at a splen
did mansion. I was shown into the
parlor, and Mr. asked to be ex
cused for a few moments. He had been
gone, perhaps two minutes, when tho
door opened softly and a young lady
entered. She advanced toward me,
then of a sudden stood motionless. I
tell you, Charley, I can't tell you
any more. It was my Mattie, and we
are to be married day-after-to-morrow,
and you are to be my right-hand man.
And, further, you are to be our book
"Well, now, John, where are you
running to again? Book-keeper for
"O, didn't I tell you. Mr. gives
the management of the business into
my hands, and requested me to bring a
good book-keeper with me, so you see
you can't savno now pack up your
"But you haven't said what became
of your rival book-keeper?"
"O, vis, I forgot. He is now
serving out a twenty-five yaars' sen
tence in tho Maine penitentiary for em
The next morning we settled with
the firm and started for Portland,
where the next day I witnessed the
marriage of the happiest couple I ever
N.ILI.ONNIT KIJEVISY XKKUI.ES.
Few people are aware how far
foreign substances may travel in the
human body or how long they may re
main there without their presence be
ing suspected. Hundreds of cases are
known to every physician where a
sharp bit of metal, such as the point of
a needle, a slim sliver of iron, or some
such thing, has entered the less sensi
tive tissues, remained unsuspected for
months, and even years, and then
pushed its way through the skin at
some point far distant from where it
entered. Fortunately, all foreign sub
stances move toward the surface, and
if they do not become encysted will
sooner or later make their appearance.
They may occasion no pain for along
time and at last strike or cross a muscle,
where they may cause great local irri
tation and inflammation, sometimes in
volving neighboring organs.
One of the most remarkable cases on
record is where a little girl swallowed
a paper of needles. Emetics were ad
ministered, and it was thought that all
trouble had been avoided. But in the
course of a few weeks she began to
complain of sharp pains all over her
body all movement was painful, and
her health rapidly declined. No one
knew what was the trouble, and she
was treated for all manner of obscure
diseases. Finally two or three pimples
appeared upon her back, and from one
of these a needle was extracted. This
caused search to be made, and soon
other pimples appeared, from all of
which needles were extracted, some be
iug in the thighs, some iu the back,
aud one was found in the left arm.
The needles had penetrated the
stomach and gradually worked their
way to the surface, no less than eleven
being found. As soon as the causes of
irritation were removed the child re
covered at once. St. Louis Globe
SAW TECUMSEH -FR ALL.
William Legg, better known as "Un
cle Blllv," living near Benjamin, in
Lewis County. Mo., has passed his
ninety-fifth milestone. He was born in
Eotecoirt County, Va., August 25,
1792. He lived with his father until
the war of 1812 broke out, when he en
listed under Col. Eichard Johnson, of
Kentucky, May 19, 1813. He was in the
battle of Thames, October 5, 1813, saw
Tecumseh when ho fell and thinks Col.
Johnson killed him. He lost his horse
in that battle and says "Uncle Sam"
has never paid him for it. When the
war was over he returned to Virginia
and learned the blacksmith trade. He
moved to Lincoln County, Ky., in
1820, went to Fayette County, Ohio,
iu 1822, and moved to Meade County,
Kv., in 1821, where on July 12, 1827,
he was married to Miss Susan France,
ol' that county. Nine children were
born to them, seven boys and two girls,
three of v.hicli are living, as follows:
George C. Legg, aged 52, and Mrs.
Nancy Games, aged 11), living in Louis
County,and William Legg, Jr., aged 55,
of Pittsburg, Texas. The veteran lives
with his son, George C., having moved
to their county in 1850. His
still liv-ug aud in fair health, at the
age of 8 years, the aged couple having
traveled life's pathway togethe fox
over sixty years. —St. Louis Globe
POVKOTY is tile want
avarice of everyihitj.'.
if much, but
Gossip About Matters inWliieh
the Dear Creatures Take
SEASONED WITH A LITTLE WIT.
A Column or Two of Tilllc-Tallle Anent
Matronly Mothers, Modish Maidens,
and Merry Misses.
A rhotvyraphir. 'Irst.
Pretty Girl—I can't tell you how
anxious I am about that picture. It is
to be sent to a dramatic agent. I want
to become an actress if I can.
Omaha Photographer--You will suc
"Oh, do you think so?"
"I know it."
"But you never saw me until this
"No, but any one who can assume a
natural expression when facing a camera
can face an audience."
How She Jie.if arris (he Alan.
I have observed with pain that Bos
ton women generally seems to consider
it quite the thing to look down upon
the men. It is very hard. I cannot
imagine why it is. But they do. It
appears to be the fashion here to re
gard the male animal of the genus
homo as rather a necessary evil than
otherwise. As a producer of money he
is useful, but in all else not particularly
desirable. If available as a partner in
marriage, ho receives the attention due
to such a party but once disposed of
matrimonially, he r. lapses into the for
lorn condition of other Benedicks, who
pass their time when not engaged in
business lounging at the club, while
their wives are busy forwarding the
work of societies for the advancement
of human knowledge in various
branches.—Cor. JVeio Orleans Picay
Uncertain, Coy, atirl Hard io 1'lcasr.
A finished young women—One who
knows so much that no one will marry
her.—Xew Haven. News.
An English lady has introduced sew
ing into boys' schools. It is nothing
new for women to teach the boys to
sow their wild oats.—Boston Com
When a young man wants to press
his suit successfully with a pretty girl,
a good way to begin is by pressing
her new winter suit gently around the
"I'm going to take riding lessons,"
she said, as she leaned her head against
his shoulder. "Indeed?" "Yes, and
my father is going to buy me a horse."
"Ah!" he murmured as he fondled one
of her re—auburn tresses, "a white one,
of course?" Two minutes later he was
wending his way home a sad and soli
tary man.—Bo*ton Courier.
Worth Thciv ilcifjht in Goftf.
The New York Mail and Express
gives tho following list of women "who
are worth their weight in gold:"
Mrs. John Mintnrn is worth
Mrs. Kate Terrv is worth nearlv
Mrs. Thomas A. Scott counts her
wealth at $5,000,000.
Mrs. John Jacob Astor is worth
Mrs. Edwin Stevens, of New York,
Mrs. Hettie Green, of New York, is
worth about $10,000,000.
Mrs. Robert Geolet, worth *3,000,000,
owes her fortune to hardware.
Mrs. Jayne, tho widow of the patent
medicine man, is worth S3,000,000.
Mrs. Marshall O. Koberts is the
eight-millionaire widow of a mining
Mrs. Martin Bates was left SI,500,000
which her husband made in dry goods.
Mrs. Joseph Harrison, the widow of
the man who built the first railroad in
Eussia, has $1,000,000.
Mrs. Jane Brown received Trom her
husband's estate about $1,000,000,
which was accumulated in banking.
Mrs. Josephine M. Aver, who gets
her inomy from patent medicine, is
estimated to be worth $1,000,000 to
-I Woman- end* a Alensage.
"I want to send a message in a great
Tho Western Union operator braced
him-elf for a "rush" message.
"It's to Chicago."
"Well, we have an open wire to Chi
"Cau you send it right away!"
"Well, you see Emma's baby's sick
and Charlie is awav on a tri-
"You see. I can't just think where
is. Do you know?"
The operator had to admit that ho
'•Well, suppose you scud to Chi
"Well, suppose you do. Where is
'"Have von a Chicago directory here
"Ves, ma'am," lian ling :t to her.
"I'm afraid I have forgotten the ad
"What business is he iu?"
"I don't know, he makes a good liv
ing. though. .Don't you think a tele
gram addressed to Chicago would
"I'm afraid not."
"Well, then, I'll go homo and find
out his address. Can you tell me the
nearest car that will take me home?"
"No, ma'am, I cannot."
"Well, it seems queer to me. that you
telegraph operators don't know any
Cuviositirs it) OM'tsllip.
A California miner, having amassed
quite a fortune, was returning by ship
to revisit old friends aud to find him
self a wife. A young woman on board
tho ship, serving in the capacity of
nursery governess to the family of a
merchant oil board, pleased him much
by her neat and modest appoarance.
He therefore introduced himself one
day, and broke tho ice of his purpose
with one reckless plunge: "Madam, my
name is -, my paronts and family
reside in New Hampshire I have
properly amounting to $200,000, and
expect to engage in business in I
am a perfectly temperate man. and I
can give you good reference to testify
to my general upright character. I
am unmarried, and want a wife will
you marry me The lady took in the
character of her sutor at ouce. "Thank
you." said she. "I will," aud on land
ing they were forthwith married.
How the Princess Louise of Savoy
evor recovered from her humiliation
after having offered herself in marriage
to Charles, Duke of Bourbon, only to
receive a grave but positive refusal few
women can understand. Ladies, how
ever, are permitted to assist a bashful
Either ho fears Instate too much
Or his doaort too small,
Who fears to put it to tho toufiU
And win or lose it all.
Such was tho case with tho young
lady who assured her lover that she
could make a beautiful cake, all filled
with fruit, with a ring on tho top, and
when the astonished swain exclaimed:
"Why, that is a wedding cake!" re
plied "I meant wedding," and which
brought matters to a crisis immedi
More shrewd still was the young
lady—and more daring—who told her
admirer that she was a mind-reader,
and could read what was going on in
his mind at that moment that he
wanted to propose to her but did not
know how to do it, which, of course,
relieved the young man from his em
A very bashful man having succeeded
in winning a wife, a lady relative teased
him to tell her how he ever plucked up
courage enough to propose.
"Now, tell me the truth, N ,"
said she "did not the lady have to
do the courting for you?"
"N-no," answered the gentleman
"but I own she smoothed over the hard
places for me."
And this seems to be the ladies" mis
sion in courtship—to smooth over the
THE Fins t.
to UTS I sr.. not).
If we are to believe an Austrian pa
per, tho first lightning-rod was not con
structed by Franklin, but by a monk of
Seuftenbcrg, iu Bohemia, named Pro
hop Diwisch, who installed au appara
tus the 15th of Tune, 1751, in the gar
den of the curate of Prenditz (Moravia.)
The apparatus was composed of a pole
surmounted by an iron rod supporting
twelve curved-up branches, and termi
nating in as many metallic boxes filled
with iron ore and closed by a boxwood
cover, traversed by twenty-seven sharp
iron points, which plunged at their
base in the ore. All the system was
united to the earth by a large chain.
The enemies of Diwisch, jealous of his
success at the Court of Vienna, excited
the peasants of the locality against
him, and under the pretext that his
lightning-rod was tho cause of the great
drought, they made him take down the
lightning-rod which he had utilized for
six years. What is most curious is the
form of the first lightning-rod
which was of multiple points like
the one which M. Melseu afterward
J'I/PU .A it ITR.i.v I VN.
Swans will not sing before tliev die,
and spiders will not cure earache. Whale
bone is not bone at all. and Jerusalem
artichokes never saw Jerusalem. Cleo
patra's needles were not built by Cleo
patra and Potnpey's pillar has nothing
to do with Pompey. The bank of En°
gland holds no colossal fortunes iu
trust for undiscovered heirs in America.
Alfred the Great did not found Oxfor-J
University and Bishop Hatto never
persecuted the-poor in fact, this much
calumniated character is said to have
been a very excellent and kind-hearted
old gen:Ionian, and '.he rats tiiat swarm
the lUiine aud scaled his casile walls are
like the false facts that overrun every
page of his story and every nook and
cranny of our daily I'.v^.—I/arpers
Wnv condcmn the gamblor? Has li0
uot chosen a better part?—Texas Sifi..
ENGLISH waiters assert that a typical
American rarely gives tills.—Texa3
ISN'T it strange that a rooster should
crow, and a crow should hawk, and 1
hawk should fly, and a fly should flee
TIIE single eye-glass is worn by the
dude. The theory is that he can see
more with one eye than he can compre
"THE story of a worm that eats stec!
rails ia now declared to be a hoax.''
Tin's surprises us. We supposed it was
an infernal lie.
DR. Toniucv, .of Boston, marries 1
pair in eight seconds. Thero are many
young persons who would like to makj
a minute of this.
PAT stole a watch, Mike a cow, and
both were arrested. "What time is it?'
says Mike. "Faith," answered Pat,
"just milking time."
HOST (to visitor)—I don't know what
the mattor with our dog. He gets fu
rious whenever any other dog comes
about. Look out, he'll jump at you.—
IT is the everyday duty of a mug
wump to weep copiously because he
wasn't called in to settle the trouble in
Paradise by kicking the occupants out
and kicking himself in.—Judge.
W'IFK (one day after marriage)—No,
dear, don't give me any money I might
lose it. Same wife (one year after mar
riage)—I took S20 from your pocket
book last night John. New York
PROF. HOPKINS says the Prohibition
ists want to put their conscience in
their ballots. That might easily be
done, and without embarrassing the
election inspectors to the sb'ghtest de
LADV (to fond mamma)—Oh, the lit
tle boy will improve as he grows older.
Fond mamma—His papa gets so out of
patience with him! He intends to edu
cate him, as ho will be good for noth
MRS. POPINJAY—Mr. Popinjay doyoa
propose to put up that stove to-day, as
I requested you Mr. Popinjay—But,
my dear, you know— Mrs. Popinjay
—Mr. Popinjay, either put up or shut
up!—Burlington Free Press.
"WOMEN cannot be satirical," says a
writer, "any more than they can be
humorous." So? How is it that when
a man, after courting a girl for seven
years, proposes, she says: "Oh,
George, this is so sudden."—Bosion
"WHEN you get very tired," said one
man to another, "do you ever lose com
mand of words and ideas?" "No," said
the other man, "I can't say that I do:
but I have felt that way sometimes
when I got home very late at night,"—
So merville Jou
MKS. Huur JINKS (very English)-
Bridget, see if the "broom" is at the
door. Bridget—An' what would ye be
wantin' wid the broom, mum'? Mrs. H.
J-—I am going out to ride. Bridget
(sotto voice)—Och, murt-her! I'll be
after lavin' at once for service wid a da
cent family.—Deiroit Free Press.
Mk. CiuMsoNiiEAK—You play the
piano a great deal do you not? Miss
1' ussanfeatlier—Yes, I play at home a
good deal, to drive dull care away. "J
guess you're successful aren't you?"
'"Why?" "Well, I understand yon
drive everything else away. I don't
suppose dull care would wan't to stay
either."— l"onkers Statesman.
HUKAL PARSON—I -was very glad to
see you at church last Sunday, Farmer
Acorn. Farmer Acorn—You preached
a powerful sermon, parson, and it bad
a good effect on me. "Well, it was tho
first of a series of sermons on charity:
'The Stranger Within Thy Gates.'"
"W ell, parson, I've been turning tramps
away for a good while, but after I heard
that sermon I made up my mind to do
diflutent, and that night when a tramp
asked for a place iu the barn I gave
him abed in my house." "Ifeel greatly
encouraged, Farmer Acorn." "Well.
I uon t. The next morning I discov
ered that the stranger within my gates
had decamped with everything he could
lay his hands 011."— Omaha World.
A r/toi rr iisi.i: WATCH.
"Is time money?" asked a gentleman
of a jeweler.
"It is said to be."
"Well, I thought so, and here is an
e\jdeuee of it. I bought this watch
I here six months ago, and it has gained
lime enough to pay for itself."—Cart
1 W \T 33 truth for one mav not 1 E
truth for another. You don't
what you may do. You may put a
straw across a trickle, which will turn
a river another way.—Mrs. A. D. T.
^INI KLLIGENT people make many
bamders, because they can never be
lieve the world as stupid as it ia.
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